Lizbeth

I am fairly new here . . . posted once before and have since just been reading all the other posts. It is so amazing to me how similar the stories are. I have been on a rollercoaster with my AH for the past four years. He keeps promising to quit and keeps drinking anyway. He won't get help. He and my daughter don't get along at all. He left Sunday afternoon and I haven't heard from him since. I am pretty sure I know where he is - we have a camper out in the country on a piece of land. That is where he always goes. But this is the longest he's been away and not called or come back. I think this may be it. I think he is probably ready to walk away rather than keep trying. I guess I want it to be his decision. The first few days he was gone was a relief. But now I'm feeling sad. Not that I really miss him. It's more the realization that the marriage might be over and was probably a mistake from the beginning. It's probably for the best but is still hard to deal with . . . like a death, in a way. Anyway . . . I'm tired of burdening my family with my problems with my AH so I thought I'd post it and hope to get some support from you guys. It has been really helpful reading all your posts. That alone has given me strength. Thanks! Liz

GettingBy

(((Lizbeth))),

That is tough spot to be in. Not knowing what is going on, or when they will come home. But, the flip side of all of this is that you and your daughter are free to get on with taking care of yourselves. What do YOU want for your life? Realizing that I could not expect my husband to bring me my dream life was a huge relief for me. Accepting responsibility for myself and my happiness, allowed me to detach from him and let him start living his life again... and I'm happy to say it gave me my life back too!! It took time, and I still have much more work to do... but I'm making progress!

Have you given any thought to Al-anon?

Please keep coming back, post all you want! We're here to listen!
Shannon

walkingtheline

(((Lizbeth ))))

I agree with Shannon. Find your local al-anon meeting and go! You'll find a wealth of knowledge and tools.

I've read both your posts. Both are filled with sadness and regret.

You are entitled to peace, contentment and joy in your life. And you CAN get those things and more.

Please hang around, read and talk to us! Many here will have had similar experiences and can tell you what worked for them and what failed.

I'll pray that you recieve some peace and will look forward to your posts.

cwohio

((lizbeth))

welcome and keep posting - we are all here to share our experience, strength & hope with you. please do take shannon's suggestion and look into al-anon whether you end up staying or going. it is a program that will teach you some life tools you can use. there are even a few online meetings here that you might want to try out - i think kel-kel posted something for tonight.

hugs - christie

Zoey

Liz....
Do you want support in hanging on, or getting out???

Have you made pro's and con's lists about which is best as you see it today??

If you have wanted to stay , have you gone to Al-Anon?? open AA meetings, read all the books??.

There isn'nt any right or wrong in either leaving or staying.

somebodysfool

You've heard from some of the best and they are right on the mark. I have just been coming to terms with the changes I have to make in me, for me and it is possibly the hardest thing to do. Figure out WHO you are apart from your husband and be that person with or without him. What do you like? What is fun? Keep trying new things, talk to old friends, ask the people closest to you what make you terrific, they know. And they'll be glad to tell you. Good luck and don't give up on you.

J

meli2005

HI Liz,

The end of a marriage or the thought of it is very much like a death. There was a time when my AH wanted to not be married, I felt like I was grieving. In fact, I think I am still working on the stages of grieving right now. I go up/down still, but a lot more calm these days.

I hope things work out. Things will...in time.

Lizbeth

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. I did order the "under the influence" book that was mentioned in some earlier posts. I think I need to be tough at this point. There have been way too many "second" chances. He doesn't take me seriously. He said recently that he was trying to have it all - meaning our marriage and the booze. I don't want that in my life and he knows that so I guess now is the time to take a stand. I probably should have done it earlier but I don't think I truly "got it" that he was an alcoholic. I thought it was simply a bad choice he was making. I think it's bigger than that. He really needs help. I have worked really hard on myself the last four years and have made a lot of progress toward my own personal goals. I still have a ways to go but I am definitely on the right road. I still don't know which way the marriage will go. But I know whatever happens, my daughter and I will be alright.

Cynay

*Hugs*

That is a hard place to be.... just not knowing but I have to say it sounds like you are doing what you need to in making sure you and your daughter will be ok.

Im still morning the death of my relationship with my ex-abf... its hard to let go sometimes of the hope of a relationship.... even when they stop drinking their behavior does not change ... Im told "the fog" can last a long time. Knowing that I have to completely give up on that relationship and move on with my life ... stop looking back is something Im still working on.

I agree with the others... Find an Al-anon meeting and the suport of people that have been where you are. Stay strong and remember your not alone in this.

meli2005

Lizbeth,

We keep ourselves in denial for a long time too, I think it is a way of protecting ourselves from hurt/pain. I think it's a really natural response to be honest. Did the same thing myself, kept saying it wasn't as bad as it seemed. Wish I had realized it years agao that it was bad and he was an alcoholic!!

Yes, you will be allright. I'm in the same situation you are in, I don't konw which way my marriage will go, but my main objective now is to take care of myself. I am praying daily for GOD to give me the answers of what to do w/my life. I just know I cannot live anymore with an active alcoholic. It is too painful. I also need stability in life as well.