somebodysfool

My AH did not come home last night and did not call to say he wasn't going to come home. I struggle with the fact that I don't know how I feel anymore. I am not angry, I felt sad, I have a peace about it because I know he is safe. I couldn't take the waiting anymore so I drove past the shop and the car was there, I called him and he apologized. No explanations just fell asleep there. I am not going to make up an explanation in my head, well that's not true, I already have but I am not going to write it down, okay I will. I think he was partying at the shop or stayed out later than he should have (that's a given) and figured it was easier to sleep there than here and have to get up to be there by 7:00am. It doesn't matter. He is safe and that is important to me. I can't possibly understand how his head works. I want to feel angry because through this whole ordeal the past few months the only thing I asked him for was to come home and sleep in our bed. But I gave this up to God finally and totally yesterday and maybe He was trying to show me that none of my security lies in my husband. Listen to that I can't figure out how my husbands feeble mind works and I have the audacity to attempt to figure out God. I don't even know what I am looking for here. I guess just a safe place where I can process something and even if there is nothing to respond to I will know someone listened. And that helps.

J

GettingBy

J-

It's hard, really hard, when you want them to be the loving, caring husband that you think they can be. If only we could create a loving enough home, so they would want to come home to us. We want to take care of them, so maybe they could see how good life can be with us.

But maybe God wanted you to see that he can take care of himself, so that you can (and should) get on with taking care of you? I know you want your husband in your bed at night, but that isn't something you have control over. So maybe it's time to let that want go and start focusing on the things you do have control over.

What did you do for YOU last night? And more importantly what are you going to do for you TODAY??

We're always here, and we're always listening!
Shannon

Pick-a-name

Thank You; when I read this; I KNOW it was answer to my prayer. Now; I just need to remember it. Funny (well, not really "ha-ha funny" ) but the A's DO have a way of making this point and FORCING me to remember this.

Take care, and keep posting...it helped me,too..thanks!

somebodysfool

I'm glad I can give a little back to all of you wonderful people who give to me.

J

walkingtheline

Seek and ye shall find.

I don't think you're figuring out God's thought process...just hearing his message!

You AH is okay. His life is his.

Shannon said it clearly: Now is the time for all good women to come to the aid of.....themselves!

somebodysfool

After my night class I watched taped episodes of Big Brother with my kids. With all this messiness we haven't had that kind of just being together time. And today I cleaned my house which is a pick me up. Now I am going to take a long, hot shower.

I spoke with my AH he has been so distant that most conversation has been idle chit chat and need to know stuff. Although I know not to expect anything from him he was receptive to me. So that's that. I will keep on keepin on and as I work out my STUFF I will be better!

J

GettingBy

To clarify what I mean... I'll answer those same questions!

Last night, the old me would have rushed right home to wait and see if my husband was going to come home right after work. Every minute after 5:30 would have been spent panicking, wondering 'Where is he? Is he drinking? Is he spending our money?', and then I would have started calling his cellphone, and panicked some more when he didn't pick up. I would have assumed, "Oh man! He's at the bar! And he's drinking! Here we go again!!" And I would have gotten myself all worked up into a big panic attack. NO GOOD, that's not taking care of me! That's not letting my husband OR ME live our own lives. I'd be wasting my life trying to control someone I have no right controlling.

So the new me?? I like to bike ride so 3 months ago I joined a cycling club and last night was a club ride. With all that is going on between B and I, I was tempted to go home and spend all night talking to him... but I didn't because that would have been me putting my wants/needs second. So, I went for the ride, and enjoyed every minute of it! I didn't call hubby every 15 minutes to check and see where he was, I didn't really care because I was too busy doing my own thing!

And what about tonight? Well tonight I have the house to myself... and so I'm having my mom over for dinner, and then I may work on some of my painting, or I may go and buy new running sneakers... I also need to get some hangers for my new bird feeders. I probably won't get all those things done, but I'm going to try my hardest! I don't mind because I'm doing all of those things for ME, ME, ME!!

So what is that YOU want? I really would like to know!!

Big hugs,
Shannon

GettingBy

Oops... looks like I posted just after you!!

Glad to hear you are putting YOU first!! Keep it up Girl!!

somebodysfool

J