I'm failing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I'm failing.
After getting myself somewhere good last night it unravelled - it all unravelled.
I feel like I'm failing, failing to hold on to my own emotions, failing to make the small decisions we make all day.
Drunk D tells me all the psychological symptoms that are happening, the rest he displays - including extreme paranoia, especially with work but with me as well. Sober he still displays stuff but tells me less.
I have a feeling he will miss work again today - I have no idea whether that is to drink or whether it's because he genuinely can't get out. Do I take the hard line and just walk away? Let him face the consequences alone? Do I try and speed up the help on offer? Do I ring the docs again and TRY again to tell them this IS out of hand? Do I ignore what he's telling me? Is this a breakdown or an excuse to drink?
I want someone else to answer all these questions so I don't have to - I want to know the answer are all correct so I can have some peace. I'll be very relieved if he does get to work - it feels a slim chance though.
I feel like I'm failing, failing to hold on to my own emotions, failing to make the small decisions we make all day.
Drunk D tells me all the psychological symptoms that are happening, the rest he displays - including extreme paranoia, especially with work but with me as well. Sober he still displays stuff but tells me less.
I have a feeling he will miss work again today - I have no idea whether that is to drink or whether it's because he genuinely can't get out. Do I take the hard line and just walk away? Let him face the consequences alone? Do I try and speed up the help on offer? Do I ring the docs again and TRY again to tell them this IS out of hand? Do I ignore what he's telling me? Is this a breakdown or an excuse to drink?
I want someone else to answer all these questions so I don't have to - I want to know the answer are all correct so I can have some peace. I'll be very relieved if he does get to work - it feels a slim chance though.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
You are there and see what is what.
Intervention, a helping hand, codie helping hands, sitting on hands...
Let your own instinct guide you. You are dealing with things beyond just alcohol. The rules are not rules but are a guide. Your situation is not the same as any other. Then again it is but the same rules may not work for you as they would for another. What may work for you and 10 other people may be different then the next 10 as well.
In your situation I would say... trust your instincts and do what you feel is best for you both.
Intervention, a helping hand, codie helping hands, sitting on hands...
Let your own instinct guide you. You are dealing with things beyond just alcohol. The rules are not rules but are a guide. Your situation is not the same as any other. Then again it is but the same rules may not work for you as they would for another. What may work for you and 10 other people may be different then the next 10 as well.
In your situation I would say... trust your instincts and do what you feel is best for you both.
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Equus,
It seems to me that sometime back you shared with me, I cannot quote it exactly and it is late here for me but something along the lines of... You do what you can live with if you think it is best for you to reach out again and help than do so. Your judgment is good, your mind is sound and he's very ill. You may not want to answer the questions for yourself, but you are the best woman for the job in this case. You are so very strong and have always had incredible insight that has helped many of us on here. I am confident that you will know what to do.
It's okay to have emotions and it would be unhuman to not have any in the situation that you are dealing with. He's telling you what he is feeling, that is a blessing, at least he's able to identify what they are... the feelings are why we need to medicate ourselves as addicts, alcoholics or whatever ya wanna call it. We don't want to feel or identify those feelings.
My prayers are with you tonight.
Hugs,
~Faithchaser
It seems to me that sometime back you shared with me, I cannot quote it exactly and it is late here for me but something along the lines of... You do what you can live with if you think it is best for you to reach out again and help than do so. Your judgment is good, your mind is sound and he's very ill. You may not want to answer the questions for yourself, but you are the best woman for the job in this case. You are so very strong and have always had incredible insight that has helped many of us on here. I am confident that you will know what to do.
It's okay to have emotions and it would be unhuman to not have any in the situation that you are dealing with. He's telling you what he is feeling, that is a blessing, at least he's able to identify what they are... the feelings are why we need to medicate ourselves as addicts, alcoholics or whatever ya wanna call it. We don't want to feel or identify those feelings.
My prayers are with you tonight.
Hugs,
~Faithchaser
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Equus, hon, neither of you can go on like this. I think your gut is telling you what you need to know. This isn't about the alcohol, imo. This is very much about the depression. I can understand why he's panicking now that he's put steps in place to get help - it must be terrifying for him. And for you.
Have you tried calling MIND? 0845 766 0163. They might just be able to give you the advice you need.
Hang in there.
Have you tried calling MIND? 0845 766 0163. They might just be able to give you the advice you need.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Thanks everyone.
He's not going to work. The first thing he said when he woke up was that what he told me last night was true. I've agreed to ring his work - they've said they will only accept a phonecall for illness, not emails SH!T another decision for me, emails made him independent. D has said he isn't up for anything outside the house and that includes the docs - but he's said it has been worse than this lots of times and it passes. Do I push him to make an extra appointment? He only went on Monday and is due back in two weeks.
I'm calling in my work too - not to babysit but to book myself into the docs, perhaps go to APAS - maybe ring that advice line - anything to try and feel better.
I'm still angry that he drank so much last night - I feel caught between condoning it and having basic humanity for someone ill. My confidence to get this right is in negatives.
He's not going to work. The first thing he said when he woke up was that what he told me last night was true. I've agreed to ring his work - they've said they will only accept a phonecall for illness, not emails SH!T another decision for me, emails made him independent. D has said he isn't up for anything outside the house and that includes the docs - but he's said it has been worse than this lots of times and it passes. Do I push him to make an extra appointment? He only went on Monday and is due back in two weeks.
I'm calling in my work too - not to babysit but to book myself into the docs, perhaps go to APAS - maybe ring that advice line - anything to try and feel better.
I'm still angry that he drank so much last night - I feel caught between condoning it and having basic humanity for someone ill. My confidence to get this right is in negatives.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Those who are the only caregivers in any situation need some relaxation time.
Are you trying too hard for correct answers??
Did the Dr. change his Rx the last time?
I have no idea, but does depression show up on a brain scan?? Would that be worth a try??? They do shock treatments here if Rx's don't work.
I have heard A's talk about the paranoia from alcohol. Seems drink can do different things to different people.
I am concerned about you. Do you have Drug and Alcohol counselors there??
Would he give that a try??. He will go to the Dr. so maybe he would.
Perhaps idiotic question, but are either of you affected by the Full Moon??
I know nothing about it, but some nurses claim it seems to affect some of us.
So wish I could give you a hug.
Are you trying too hard for correct answers??
Did the Dr. change his Rx the last time?
I have no idea, but does depression show up on a brain scan?? Would that be worth a try??? They do shock treatments here if Rx's don't work.
I have heard A's talk about the paranoia from alcohol. Seems drink can do different things to different people.
I am concerned about you. Do you have Drug and Alcohol counselors there??
Would he give that a try??. He will go to the Dr. so maybe he would.
Perhaps idiotic question, but are either of you affected by the Full Moon??
I know nothing about it, but some nurses claim it seems to affect some of us.
So wish I could give you a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I've booked too see my doctor this morning FOR ME!! D has agreed to go to alcohol counsellors for an assessment on saturday - I'm not sure how that will work if he's still struggling to get out - but it's the plan. I'll almost certainly contact them after I've seen my doctor - and the mind link.
I feel in real trouble here - all I can do is ask for help, I'm glad I'm seeing MY doctor, he's a sweety and always tries to convert me, he never manages but I know he could lose his job for trying and in a way that makes me know he cares.
I feel in real trouble here - all I can do is ask for help, I'm glad I'm seeing MY doctor, he's a sweety and always tries to convert me, he never manages but I know he could lose his job for trying and in a way that makes me know he cares.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Hello you.
Sorry to see you're having such a bad time just now. I know exactly what it is you're going through. I'm not as courageous as you and I have to admit that I've stuck my head in the sand with L. She does it, I do it and nothing changes. Nuts!
You are doing so well in trying circumstances. Please give yourself some credit for this and take comfort that you're doing the best you can. That's all we can ever do.
I'm thinking of you and hoping that your visit to the docs goes well. What is it he's trying to convert you to, by the way? My mind is boggling!
Hugs to you
Jane
xxxxxxxxx
Sorry to see you're having such a bad time just now. I know exactly what it is you're going through. I'm not as courageous as you and I have to admit that I've stuck my head in the sand with L. She does it, I do it and nothing changes. Nuts!
You are doing so well in trying circumstances. Please give yourself some credit for this and take comfort that you're doing the best you can. That's all we can ever do.
I'm thinking of you and hoping that your visit to the docs goes well. What is it he's trying to convert you to, by the way? My mind is boggling!
Hugs to you
Jane
xxxxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
What is it he's trying to convert you to, by the way? My mind is boggling!
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Ah, I see. Hmmm 
A doctor being that open, discussing his own health, is very rare. We certainly wouldn't get it in the village clinic! You're very lucky to actually know your doctor and to trust that he at least knows you a little.
I haven't been to a doctor for about 7 years, maybe 8. I was seriously depressed and asked for help. Village doctor told me not to be so self indulgent and realise I had at least another 10 or 12 years before I could change my priorities and stop being a full-time mum! ARGHHH!!!
Sounds like you landed on your feet with yours. And it sounds like you're taking care of yourself.
All good!
You holding up there? When's your appointment?
Jane
xxx
PS Just to let you know, that doctor made me so angry that I defiantly changed my life. Weird! It was as if I wouldn't do it for myself but would to spite him and his little world. Minds are strange countries!
A doctor being that open, discussing his own health, is very rare. We certainly wouldn't get it in the village clinic! You're very lucky to actually know your doctor and to trust that he at least knows you a little.
I haven't been to a doctor for about 7 years, maybe 8. I was seriously depressed and asked for help. Village doctor told me not to be so self indulgent and realise I had at least another 10 or 12 years before I could change my priorities and stop being a full-time mum! ARGHHH!!!
Sounds like you landed on your feet with yours. And it sounds like you're taking care of yourself.
All good!
You holding up there? When's your appointment?
Jane
xxx
PS Just to let you know, that doctor made me so angry that I defiantly changed my life. Weird! It was as if I wouldn't do it for myself but would to spite him and his little world. Minds are strange countries!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey Equus,your Dr. has personal experience.Wow,how cool is that.
I know that for myself,when another has gone through similar issues as myself,and they have come through them,over-come,i tend to listen more,to the wisdom that they share.
Sending my prayers to both you and hub...
I know that for myself,when another has gone through similar issues as myself,and they have come through them,over-come,i tend to listen more,to the wisdom that they share.
Sending my prayers to both you and hub...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
It was just what the doctor ordered!!
Basically the doc has worked a miracle in putting my mind at rest. His attitude was that it does sound as though the anxiety, drinking and depression are out of control BUT that there's plenty that can be done to help. His advice to me was to not worry because he's open to getting help and as needs increase so will the help. He also said that D sounded like a 'robust character' in having dealt with this for years - he felt D would respond better than most to help once the ball was rolling. On the mental health front his advice was 'let it happen' because the help is there when it's needed but unfortunately not before.
With the drinking he said he was certain D is self medicating and his feeling towards it was that the underlying issues have to improve before it's realistic to expcet to much improvement - however he added again to remind me he is getting treatment. He's also said he will tell D's doctor to read his notes carefully - but he won't say more than that, the rest is down to us. He said in his experience there are differences in people self medicating with alcohol, especially when they have shown improvment on their own previously - he was VERY reassuring.
He's happy for me to go back any time - I was 40 mins on a 10 min appointment but hewasn't rushing anything and..... he still found time to try and convert me!!
Basically the doc has worked a miracle in putting my mind at rest. His attitude was that it does sound as though the anxiety, drinking and depression are out of control BUT that there's plenty that can be done to help. His advice to me was to not worry because he's open to getting help and as needs increase so will the help. He also said that D sounded like a 'robust character' in having dealt with this for years - he felt D would respond better than most to help once the ball was rolling. On the mental health front his advice was 'let it happen' because the help is there when it's needed but unfortunately not before.
With the drinking he said he was certain D is self medicating and his feeling towards it was that the underlying issues have to improve before it's realistic to expcet to much improvement - however he added again to remind me he is getting treatment. He's also said he will tell D's doctor to read his notes carefully - but he won't say more than that, the rest is down to us. He said in his experience there are differences in people self medicating with alcohol, especially when they have shown improvment on their own previously - he was VERY reassuring.
He's happy for me to go back any time - I was 40 mins on a 10 min appointment but hewasn't rushing anything and..... he still found time to try and convert me!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Oh and.... he gave me some very liveable with guides for helping D - basically how to make sure info gets across to his doc, reassuring him and accepting the drinking is self medication but the doc will be working on it.
It felt like I was let off the hook, I handed it over to someone qualified and came home with a far easier task than the one I've been trying to do!
It felt like I was let off the hook, I handed it over to someone qualified and came home with a far easier task than the one I've been trying to do!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
(((equus))) what a wonderful bloke he sounds like (i am trying to expand my horizons - lol)! you are soooo lucky to have someone like that to share your concerns with and know you are going to get excellent feedback from. what can you do for you while you are there - something i hope!
prayers and thoughts going out to you & D
hugs - christie
prayers and thoughts going out to you & D
hugs - christie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
what can you do for you while you are there - something i hope!
And so.....
I had a long kip this afternoon after a big fry up brekky at the local greasey spoon. I'm just off for a long shower too. Then I think I'll watch a pay as you go movie - do a little shopping and cook a lovely tea (fresh trout I think).
Hey up cwohio.... ya pickin' up the lingo!
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