Hangin' In

I need some help/advice please. As I stated in earlier posts, I'm new to this Al Anon thing and dealing with the A in my life. I'm trying to find an Al Anon group, but until then I'm coming here to read and try to learn.

My A is my daughter. First let me say she is in outpatient treatment and being very open to wanting help. For that I am thankful. But as we all know, that doesn't make her well.

She is 20, but probably about 15 emotionally. Her doctor & counselor tell me that A's stop developing emotionally at the age they started drinking. I have no idea when she started drinking (she doesn't care to share with me all the details and, to be honest, I don't think I care to know them.) Anyway, she is involved with a 25 year old man, but he acts more like a boy. He is a non drinker, in fact, he is a youth minister. So for that I am thankful too for he isn't a bad influence on her in the drinking department.

But this boy is awfully immature, has terrible insecurities himself and doesn't understand what my daugther is going through. At first he said, "You don't need help. You don't drink everyday." Man, this boy needs educating, but I can't make him get the education he needs.

I know he claims to 'love' my daughter but I know he is no more capable of knowing what true love is than my daugther. I might add he is from a broken home, his mother being married 3 times but her last marriage stuck, ten years now.

Anyway, my problem is this and any advice would be appreciate. After a hellish weekend where she and this boy fought all weekend (and the fight was mainly being about him not wanting to go to an AA tailgate party because HE wanted to watch the football game at HIS house....see, he's spoiled and doesn't support her like he should), she had a very hard time dragging herself out of bed this morning to go to her outpatient treatment (she goes 4 days a week from 9:00 - 11:30). I don't THINK she had been drinking or drugging last night, but I'm not the most perceptive parent when it comes to drugging cause I never did it. I can smell and I didn't smell alcohol on her last night. (I might add she has done VERY GOOD with her outpatient treatment and going to AA meetings. If she's acting, she's doing a great job of fooling me but she appears to be VERY COMMITTED to getting better.) But this a.m. when she had trouble dragging herself out of bed, the thought crossed my mind that she could have taken something last night. Afterall, she had been over at the boyfriend house, crying most of the night, SO UPSET over losing him. (Geeze, losing him would NOT be a great loss but she doesn't see it that way.) I tried to explain to her that she needs a boyfriend (if she's going to insist on having one right now) that will SUPPORT her, not drag her down.

I know she is so insecure that she bases her self worth on if he loves her or not and if he stays with her. It is so sick.

So back to my question....sorry, I think I'm rambling. I woke her up three times this a.m., THREE times for her to get up and go to IOP. Now was I supposed to just let her lay there in bed, miss the very thing she needs in her life? And I don't want to make this sound like it is a money issue, but let's face it folks, I'm paying an arm and a leg to get this help for her. I think it is SO inconsiderate of her to not care enough to drag herself out of bed and go to the treatment that we are providing. Her dad and I are busting our tails to do everything we can to help and support her, yet she can't drag herself out of bed because of stupid fighting all weekend with the boyfriend who isn't supporting her?

Big sigh....can you tell I'm frustrated??? So should I have just left her in bed? I'm thinking ya'll are going to tell me yes. And someone will probably say, "Yes, leave her in bed and tell her she will owe you the $$$ for the missed day at treatment." Well let me add that she is NOT working because of treatment. She had to withdraw from college in order to be able to attend treatment and treatment has been our main focus. So if I tell her she owes me $$$ for missed days at treatment, that doesn't mean diddly squat cause she knows that she and I both know she doesn't even have the means to pay me. It is her dad and I that are putting $$$ in her account for gas and lunch money so she can go to this treatment (it's out of town.) We do NOT give her excessive amounts of money, just enough to get here there and back, money for lunch and a little left over. That's all.

I'm just feeling very frustrated and can use any advice/help I can get.

Thanks for much for reading this long and rambling post. I can see if I'm going to be a regular poster here, I'm going to have to learn to be more concise and to the point.

Btw, I'm in the process of printing off Melody Beattie's "Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps". I think I need a crash course!!!!

Stephanie

Hi Hangin'in,

There are alot of moms here that have gone through similar experiences and will be able to offer their experience strength and hope. They will be along to post replys as well.

I will say this, you sound like a very devoted mother and your daughter is lucky to have such supportive parents. I, too am a recovering addict and it sound like your daughter is doing great. She is making a lot of effort and seems to have a good grasp on what she needs to do. If she truly wants to recover, her boyfriend won't be able to get in the way, especially if he doesn't drink. It is her program and her responsibility to do what she feels is best. I know you want what's best for your daughter, she may just figure out on her own that her interests are changing and the relationship doesn't work for her anymore.

Like I said there are a lot of real supportive moms here who will be able to offer you the advice you're looking for.

Searching

JT

Hangin in,

I probably would have done what you did...get her butt out of bed. Right? Who knows. I do what seems right at the time. Now, I wouldn't do that forever, but on occasion no problem.

And about the boyfriend, it sounds like you know this, but backing off is probably your only option. It doesn't sound like you are saying much but you sure are THINKING it.

This is one more thing that you have no control over. I know, I know. It seems as tho it is ALWAYS about us. Don't fill your mind with it. You can't change it...it is wasted time!

Try not to sweat the small stuff, as they say. Go with what you think is right at the time. If it turns out not to be right, don't do it again! That is how we all learn.

(((HUGS))))
JT

Josie

Hi Hangin'in,
I don't relate to the inpatient, but
I sure relate on all other counts! When
I start thinking about my son's (both
addicts), relationships I get this huge
headache-it's just too complicated for me.
I know what they "SHOULD" be doing, but
I have no control over it, so I have to
let go. I have a 20 year old in jail right
now, it's good that your daughter wants
help at this young age. As far as getting
her out of bed-well, I used to take on
that responsibility too-I don't do it
anymore. The other day my 29 year old son
said well, you can take me to sign up for
anger management etc. I said well, it's
a 4 block walk, if you really want to do
it-you will do it on your own.
Do what you feel is right, the answers
will come if it's working for you or not. I've been doing this for 16 years-so I'm pretty tired. I don't want to do anything anymore, except love them.
I can't remember if you said if you were
reading Codependent No More. I love this
book!
Keep coming back, my prayers are with you
and your daughter.

Hugs,

Ann

Hangin In

My son is an addict too, but much older than your daughter. At 20 I would have done the same thing. Through this program I have learned that I am powerless....I have done all I can and he knows I love him...the rest is up to him.

My prayers are with you and your daughter.

Morning Glory

Hi Hangin' In,

I did the same thing over and over again for ten years with my son. Trying things for awhile is good. Doing the same thing for 10 years when it doesn't help is not so good for us or for them. My son did not learn in all that time. It just exausted me and didn't do a thing for him. I wasn't even aware of my son's addiction problem until several months ago. I just thought he drank a lot at times, but didn't know much about alcoholism.

You have a head start here. She is young and you are getting support and learning. She is in treatment, but has a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.

Take if a day at a time and do the next right thing.

Hugs,
MG

Hangin' In

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I know I have a lot to learn and know I can learn from those of you who have been in this situation longer than I.

I am thankful, so thankful that my daughter is wanting and willing to go for help. It's just not the best timing for her to have a boyfriend who hasn't a clue about alcoholism. It only drags her down, but for some reason and I know there are insecurities in her, she feels security in having him. Good glory, if I could just fix this for her!!!

BUT, I KNOW...that is why I am here, seeking help, so I will get out of these codependent ways and realize that only she can control her life and that includes the drinking and the choice of boyfriends.

And yes, Jose, I do have a copy of Codependent No more. Funny thing is I bought it cause my other daughter is codependent and I bought me a copy to read to help her! HA! Ya'll quit laughing. I know ya'll are saying, "Read it yourself, honey!!"

Ok, alright...putting "read Codependent No More" on my list of things to do.

Thanks again, guys and gals, for your supportive words. I can already see this message board is a God send for me.

Ann

Hangin In

I know God brought me here too, I truly have no recollection of how I stumbled on this site.

And people told me to read "Codependent No More" for over a year. Finally one day as I walked into a book store looking for something else, I knocked over a display of books...you guessed it..the display was of "Codependent No More". I am equally positive that God set that stack of books right in front of me and I was too embarrassed to not buy a copy. I have since bought about 20 copies for everyone I know who could use it (that in itself is a little codependent of me...but hey - I forgive myself )