rebecca

Hello everyone, why do I tink I'm different? I mean, why do I think I can manage thiis alcohol thing myself? why do I go to AA twice and fail? why do I get no suppore from those who say they love me? Why do I continue to look for other ways to slow down my drinking?
I'm I really alcoholic? I've been arrested for DUI, but got out of it. I've made a total fool of myself many, many times. Noting good seems to come of my drinking. But, then again, I only got drunk twice last week. I almost did it again last night, but stopped after 4 drinks. Just what is my problem? My spouse seems to think that I drink because I'm a very unhappy person. Well, he'd be unhappy too if her were blind, and had lost his career because of it. I can't deal with that. I've been to countless couselours and nothing seems to help.
My marrage is suffering because he doesn't understand why I just can't get over this and "be happy". My spouse uses drugs and alcohol when he's off, but he says he's just having fun.
I don't drink first thing is the am. I hide lots of my drinking, but not bottles in the closet or anyting like that. It hits me about 4pm everyday. sometimes, I want to quit, but other times I don't.
I know that an alcoholic doesnt' need a reason to drink. I believe it is a psychological disease, but a physical one?
I'm just confused and need support. I have to hide my AA books, this site, and all other books, tapes, etc. that have to do with alcoholism.
I can't taklk to him about it. I guess he just wants me to drink myself to death. but, then again I go blaming others and not myself. At least, most of the time.
Please give me your feedback. And, God help me to stay sober, just for today.
Rebecca

Luckyv2

Hey Rebecca it talks in the Big Book on chapter 4 "We Agnostics" it has two question there for you to answer for you to decide if you are an alcoholic. We don't like to pronounce anyone as alcholic, you have to determine that yourself. And this disease is a three fold disease, Physical, mental, and spiritual. I know that I always thought that I was different than you people, and somedays my head still tells my that I am unique, and I guess that I am in certain ways, but as far as the alcoholism, I am no different than anyone on this board. I sure hope that you can determine to you intermost self that you are alcoholic, and that is step one. So I will be praying for you and I do wish you the best. Vic

CarolD

Alcoholism is a disease. Untreated alcoholism is progressive and inccurable and fatal. No exceptions.

Rebecca... you know if you are an alcoholic.

It is not when or where or what or how much you drink, it is about how alcohol affects you.

One drink is never enough and you have no idea what you will do after you start.

I hope you will try again to stay sober. Blessings...

rebecca

Thank Vic and Carol! Iwill go to the AA world services site and look up Ch. 4. I need to clarify that I got the DUI about a year before I had to give up driving, due to increasing blindness. I did really well, probably too well in the two weeks that I was in the program. My husband did NOT support it. He told me I just needed a psychrisist. Then I had to have another eye treatment (more vision loss) and I couldn't take it all. So, I gave in and gradually started drinking again. Slowly I get back to what I call my bottom point. I start obsessing about drinking. I usuall start about 4pm and drink till I go to bed. If my husband's off call I drink with him, if not I slip me some in my coke, or have wine secretly in my coke can. Or, I can slip down to my neighbours. They are older , retired people and love to maake daquries or have some wine and cheese.
Anyway, I did try a psychrisist after the last AA fail. I've been to many, as I said. She had me on so many drugs that I felt totally out of it, and of course, I still drunk. Anyway, I 've been doing ok with trying to stay busy and just drinking three or four days a week, and trying really hard to not get drunk. Of course, my tolerance is up there so it's not easy.
I have a obsessive/compulsive spending problem too. I jsut consuladated all my bills with the help of a legal firm, so I could try to get myself out of that whole.
My marriage is a mess. And, I just don't believe it's all me and my psychritric problems. I tink it's a lot deeper. All I know is that I have to some how heal myself. If it takes AA then that's ok. I have some numbers of the girls that I'm sure would love to hear from me and be glad to pick me up. Anyway, thanks--going to go look that up now.
Rebecca

Luckyv2

Thank you Rebecca and you know there for a while I used to say that AA and NA never worked cause I kept screwing up the last year, but all of these other people were staying clean and sober WTF. Well the reason that it was not working for me like it did them, is because I was not working the program, all I did was go to meetings, they say here meeting makers make it, well I could prove that wrong to LMAO. I sure hope that you stick with us and you do come to realize that one is tooooo many and a thousand is never enough

In memory of miracle

It's called DENIAL...

michski

"normies" never even care about having a drink or not... Once I felt that fuzzy feeling all over my body I never wanted to stop.

Don't forget that alcohol is a major depressant.. we often forget how down in the dumps a couple months of daily dosing will get us. I was depressed I thought I needed anti depressants... I just never could see my life in a positive light. I so hope you can pull off enough sober time to FEEL good and explore this sober side of life... cause it's sure worth the struggle.

rebecca

Hi, yes, I remember that wonderful feeling of feeling better. The second time I went to AA, I had been sober about a week. I felt wonderful! I've been using the little yellow book a lot, "Living Sober". Today i am focusing on how great I will fell in the am, and avoiding the drunk by avoiding the first drink. If I do that I can avoid problems like not being able to remember what I did, or said today and tonight. That alone will avoid lots of problems.
Sometimes, I think part of my problem with AA is that after I go and do really well for a week or so, I start thinking I'm not really alcoholic. Then I gradually, over weeks or a few months, get back into my old habit. Is that common or just my being weird?
hugs, Rebecca

CarolD

to see you again! Well...actually to hear you again as I can no longer read. I noticed you too have vision problems. Bummer isn't it?

Problems are still in my life too.
AA has taught me how to deal with them them with dignity and peace.

So..what is your next move towards recovery?

jpeace2

Boy can I relate to so much of this. I just looked up those questions, Vic.....sigh....yep, I belong here. I think Carol said it very well. It isn't how much you drink but how it affects you. Denial is a powerful weapon the disease has to use against us, but only if we let it.

I let it for 21 years before I gave in. Now it's hitting me like a ton of bricks: yes, I am an alcoholic. No, I don't drink every day. No, I don't hide my bottles in the closet, the hamper and the laundry basket. Yes, I do get out of control at parties and say and do really stupid things when I am happy and drinking. Yes, I have a bad attitude and start fights when I am angry and drinking. Yes, I go on crying jags when I am sad and drinking. Yes, I have a mission when I pick up that first drink: to hell with the warm fuzzy feeling, let's go for total obliteration. Let's drink shots because the beer or the mixed drink isn't getting me there fast enough.

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Yes, I need help. Yes, I belong here. Rebecca, only you can answer this for you, but thank you for helping me answer it for me.

rebecca

Hey, just me again. I prefer to drink alone. There have been few times where I go to parties and really make a muck of myself. I try not to drink hard liquor. Although, I did for awhile. If I concentrate on being sober and not getting drunk, I do ok. But, it will hit me a couple days a week when I just want to get out of it, and get drukn. I have been trying despirately to avoid the drunk of the last 3 weeks. i've done ok, just 3 days where I was stressed out to the point where I wanted to be drunk.
i know it's probably denial. And, I do have a problem because I don't remember things I should. I knw I have to sober up enough to sort through my personal problems. I know I have to change. I know I have to accept the fact that I am legally blind and can no longer work at my perfession. I know I have to get out of my financial whole. I know I have to get back to being that strong person I once was.
Anyway, game plan today is to stay busy. If I stay busy, I will not let things get me so down. And, obsessive house cleaning is perfectly healthy and a good thing. I'm planning a tag sale for the first weekend in August. this will give me something to do and I can make a few extra bucks too.
Hugs, Rebecca