Sasha99

The other night my boyfriend and I had an incredible sexual encounter. We were so connected. He was very open, expressive... we talked the whole time... it was just this sublime physical/spiritual experiende. It was the kind of experience I've always dreamed of. It went on for at least an hour and a half maybe more. I thought about it all the next day.

The next evening I complimented him on the experience and it turns out he didn't remember ONE SECOND of it. He remembers that we went to bed and went immediately to sleep.

I said, "I want to believe all the things you said to me. Can I?" He said, "Yes, I was THERE-- I just can't get BACK there," that is to say that a blackout is a memory loss, not a dissociation (where it's not really YOU).

Was that intimacy an illusion? Or did it really happen but the bottle of wine he drank before bed erased the memory of the experience? He was not a radically different person. He says things like this to me at other times; it's just that during that encounter EVERYTHING was there-- the closeness, the caring, the tenderness, the humor, the passion, the intensity-- yikes!! What really happened?

Please someone help me-- :-(

Stephanie

Dear Sasha,

First of all, welcome and I'm glad you found us. There are a lot of people here with knowledge and who are always willing to give support.

To answer your question, a blackout is when someone drinks too much that, even though they are awake, they are unable to remember the experience at all. It can be very dangerous because as you experienced, that much alcohol lowers ones inhabitions and makes one more daring wheather it be emotionally or physically. It was him there, it didn't change him into another person, it just allowed him to open up more because he was not considering the risk.

As I said, blackouts can be very serious especially if he were in a situation that demanded his full attention, like driving. I would be more concerned if he were driving you somewhere and he was in a blackout or if he decided to do something illegal because he wasn't thinking clearly, all of this can have a profound effect on your safety and well being.

I don't know if your boyfriend is an alcoholic or if his drinking was a one time thing, but I certainly would talk to him about it.

Keep posting and don't worry, you can cherish your experience, I would just concentrate on why my boyfriend is having blackouts in the first place.

Sasha99

...for your prompt reply. He does drink too much (in my opinion). In the past, when he drank he would get very intellectual and want to debate topics like the bible and politics. Lately he has become more open and emotionally expressive toward me when he's been drinking. I don't drink often, so I'm not sure really sure what "too much" is. He's 6'3" and weighs just over 200-- and he'll drink a 1.5 liter bottle of wine in an evening. I have never seen him drive while he's been drinking. He drinks at home when I'm there and when he's alone...

Thank you for telling me that was really him.

LASS

Hi, Sasha:

Welcome. I have been on both sides of the "blackout" fence. My ex not remembering a special night, or I the same. It is pretty much like the lights are on but nobody's home. Although inhibitions are lowered when drinking/using or whatever, you cannot take what is said to be the "truth." I know I have said things during a blackout which were totally unlike me, some of them were complimentary, others were just hurtful. I was quite shocked when these things were brought to my attention later! I heard from an Addictions Specialist that even under hypnosis the person who blacked-out will not recall the incident. That part of the brain is altered and the memory is gone.

Ann

Sasha99

If he is having blackouts, he has a problem...no matter how much of what he is drinking or how big he is.

I think you have bigger problems here than whether he meant what he said during a blackout.

If he is unwilling to get help, I recommend that you get help for yourself, because you'll need it. Al-anon, Nar-Anon are both terrific meetings and I recommend reading the literature offered there are on the "sticky" posts at the top of Al-anon here.

My prayers are with you.

Kittycat

I have to throw this in.......maybe he does recall and it is to intense for him to admit? Is he embarassed or guilty for the what he said and did? Does he have sexual iinhabitions without a drink?
For a guy that big, a bottle of wine I would not imagine would make him that drunk.....but I am not sure about that.
Love Kitty

LASS

Just another throw in, like Kitty. One night my ex-husband consumed four beers. He ripped a pierced earring from my ear and went back to bed. Obviously, it hurt like hell and there was blood all over my blouse. In the morning, he remembered nothing. He was then served with an Injunction. I guess tolerance levels change in alcoholics. For myself, I know sometimes 3 or 4 beers could get me toasted. Other times I could drink all night. Just a thought.

Glow Worm

I am weighing in because Sasha, your boyfriend sounds very much like my new husband. We dated for two years and I, like you, thought he drank too much, but didn't think he "had a problem." Also, his alcohol of choice is wine and he was drinking about as much as your boyfriend through our courtship. (He is 6 feet about 190)

We have been married for eight months now and several things have happened. First he lost his job, that started the spiral. He then punched a hole in the wall, and fell down while drinking by himself at home for me to find him bleeding and passed out on the bed (He did not remember this incident at all). At my friend's out of town wedding, he had a seizure. This did not signal that there was a problem... yet. I was becoming progressively more worried and trying to hide the very obvious fact that he IS an alcoholic. Finally in September, he was arrested for OMVI after a minor traffic accident at 2:00 in the afternoon. His blood alcohol was almost 3 times the limit- and he thought he was FINE! (Come to find out he had been drinking up to 3 1.5 liter bottles of wine and hiding it from from me for weeks)

I don't know if your boyfriend's story will turn out like my husband's has, but I can tell you we are consciencely working towards a happy ending. My husband has been through 4 days inpatient, 5 days all day outpatient and is now 3 nights a week intensive outpatient counseling. He has been sober for 18 days and has attended AA meetings every night since he was released from inpatient. He has a sponsor and is working very diligently on the steps. He shares some of his sessions with me, and some he keeps to himself. I share these things to let you know that you don't always have to leave relationships with alcoholics.

Meanwhile, I am working on my own recovery from co-dependecy. I am working on detachment (from his alcoholism and previous behavior) and focusing on MY wellbeing which has really helped me (and us) achieve a better sort of harmony in our relationship.

Anyway, I apologize for my rambling but your story sounded really familiar to me. One thought: if he isn't ready to accept recovery, you won't be able to make him (Believe me, I tried!) I am glad that you found this site because it has really helped me, and hopefully will help you too. Feel free to email/private message me if you want.

Hugs, Glow