Watchin' her fade from far away
Future Philanthropist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 233
Watchin' her fade from far away
I'm in recovery a couple months now.
My ex (who's been a good friend for a long, long time from before we dated and survived that mess to still be good freinds today) was in town for training so we got together. She lives in Atlanta, me in Philadelphia so we dont see each other but once every year or so though we talk on the phone quite a bit. I drank coffee and she drank a bottle of wine and then some one night, almost a 12 pack the other. She doesn't remember parts of either night we went out.
I want to say something, but dont want to come off as some sort of born again sober person, like I've seen the light 'cause at my point I haven't seen any light. I'm using all my energy to manage myself, and I know I'm in absolutely no position to push my sobriety on someone else or exert the effort even if I was in a position.
On the other hand, I feel like I just can't watch her fade away any longer. The last few telephone conversations she's been bombed. I'm having a hard time just listening to her make no sense with the choices she's making in her life, and it pains me to watch the inevitable wreckage coming. Her drinking's accelerating and we're growing further apart everytime we talk. I feel selfish, uncaring, like I'm abandoning her. It's not threatening my sobriety, it's just threatening my morals to watch a good freind step headlong into the path of another disasterous firing or botched relationship. I'm finding myself incapable of mustering her support anymore for the bad decisions she makes when she drinks, and then calls me drunk to tell me about them.
What options do I have from 800 miles away? I want to help, 'cause I'm afraid I can't maintain this freindship the way it exists now. I'm so confused and hope I'm making some sort of sense. I dont know what to do.
My ex (who's been a good friend for a long, long time from before we dated and survived that mess to still be good freinds today) was in town for training so we got together. She lives in Atlanta, me in Philadelphia so we dont see each other but once every year or so though we talk on the phone quite a bit. I drank coffee and she drank a bottle of wine and then some one night, almost a 12 pack the other. She doesn't remember parts of either night we went out.
I want to say something, but dont want to come off as some sort of born again sober person, like I've seen the light 'cause at my point I haven't seen any light. I'm using all my energy to manage myself, and I know I'm in absolutely no position to push my sobriety on someone else or exert the effort even if I was in a position.
On the other hand, I feel like I just can't watch her fade away any longer. The last few telephone conversations she's been bombed. I'm having a hard time just listening to her make no sense with the choices she's making in her life, and it pains me to watch the inevitable wreckage coming. Her drinking's accelerating and we're growing further apart everytime we talk. I feel selfish, uncaring, like I'm abandoning her. It's not threatening my sobriety, it's just threatening my morals to watch a good freind step headlong into the path of another disasterous firing or botched relationship. I'm finding myself incapable of mustering her support anymore for the bad decisions she makes when she drinks, and then calls me drunk to tell me about them.
What options do I have from 800 miles away? I want to help, 'cause I'm afraid I can't maintain this freindship the way it exists now. I'm so confused and hope I'm making some sort of sense. I dont know what to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcme to friends and Family site..
Guess everone else went to bed.
Glad you posred and I would love to have an answer for you.
Do I get the feel that you don't want to help, but you will feel guilty and selfess and uncareing if you don't??
If you are the last and only one that she has, perhaps you need to not be available to take calls, let them go to answering set.
The let them hit bottom thing. If she feels lost not being able to talk to you, maybe that will make her think maybe I better do something.
If she has enablers then she will keep drinking, is that what you found in your days of drinking???.
Golly! you should be smarter than us Al-Anons, (if you have been an alcoholic) but I know, I go to the counselors and say , "I know all the answers, but I can't do it".
I gotta get back to bed. Some other people on here might have good stuff to share and they will be back. We are here cause we want to help .
To just put the problem into writing helps a lot. So post anytime. clancy46
Guess everone else went to bed.
Glad you posred and I would love to have an answer for you.
Do I get the feel that you don't want to help, but you will feel guilty and selfess and uncareing if you don't??
If you are the last and only one that she has, perhaps you need to not be available to take calls, let them go to answering set.
The let them hit bottom thing. If she feels lost not being able to talk to you, maybe that will make her think maybe I better do something.
If she has enablers then she will keep drinking, is that what you found in your days of drinking???.
Golly! you should be smarter than us Al-Anons, (if you have been an alcoholic) but I know, I go to the counselors and say , "I know all the answers, but I can't do it".
I gotta get back to bed. Some other people on here might have good stuff to share and they will be back. We are here cause we want to help .
To just put the problem into writing helps a lot. So post anytime. clancy46
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
I am also an alcoholic in recovery and my best friend still drinks. As with you..she is in D.C. and I am now in Atlanta.
Here is what I do...I linit the calss. She starts out OK but usually gets the babbles in 30 minutes. I tell her I gotta hang up. She is often in a blackout and does not remember anyway!
My Mom always hung up on me if I called drinking. I still called and I still drank.
When newly sober I took several friends with me to AA.
All of them needed to quit and not one did.
I suggest you try writing a letter. Perhaps that will nudge her. I did that too but while she agreed with me...no action was taken.
Sad I know...Blessings to you both.
Here is what I do...I linit the calss. She starts out OK but usually gets the babbles in 30 minutes. I tell her I gotta hang up. She is often in a blackout and does not remember anyway!
My Mom always hung up on me if I called drinking. I still called and I still drank.
When newly sober I took several friends with me to AA.
All of them needed to quit and not one did.
I suggest you try writing a letter. Perhaps that will nudge her. I did that too but while she agreed with me...no action was taken.
Sad I know...Blessings to you both.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi 2t2d:
Welcome; but sorry you find yourself in the position to need to be here. First: congratulations and continued success on YOUR sobriety. That said; I imagine that being in recovery yourself puts several "special" spins on this situation you find yourself in.
I do not have much advise to offer but to say that you are not alone....you summed up my feelings about my own situation very, very well. The only difference that the A in my life is my A/H of 27 yrs, and the father of our 2 children. We are not living together basically because of the reasons you said (in fact, he is now divorcing me)..............this disease is a nightmare, for everyone involved. Let go; let God.......that is all I can do at this point. Many times I need to remember to do that over and over again about the same things, during one 24 hour period........ Do what you have to do for your own health and sanity (I some days wonder how much "sanity" I have left! haha); take care of yourself because no one else will.
Best of luck to you, and your friend....I know how very difficult it is. I will be anxious to read the other responses, also.
please, keep posting
Welcome; but sorry you find yourself in the position to need to be here. First: congratulations and continued success on YOUR sobriety. That said; I imagine that being in recovery yourself puts several "special" spins on this situation you find yourself in.
I do not have much advise to offer but to say that you are not alone....you summed up my feelings about my own situation very, very well. The only difference that the A in my life is my A/H of 27 yrs, and the father of our 2 children. We are not living together basically because of the reasons you said (in fact, he is now divorcing me)..............this disease is a nightmare, for everyone involved. Let go; let God.......that is all I can do at this point. Many times I need to remember to do that over and over again about the same things, during one 24 hour period........ Do what you have to do for your own health and sanity (I some days wonder how much "sanity" I have left! haha); take care of yourself because no one else will.
Best of luck to you, and your friend....I know how very difficult it is. I will be anxious to read the other responses, also.
please, keep posting
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