Rose56

Ok, here's the thing...a couple of days ago Hubby and I were picking up the car that needed repair and he was acting angry. Not unusal..his acting angry...after a few beers this is where he goes. So I say are you angry about the car? And he says "you just doen't get it.. do you? and then he starts talking about how we never have sex and and comments about my friends and whether they are having sex. Well this takes me off guard - I am surprised and hurt by his attack. I drop him off to pick up the car and go to the library before going home. I was able to recognize that he is feeling low and unloved. So when I got home I said to him, "I'm sorry that you are feeling unloved - I never intended to make you feel that way." He apologizes for what he said stating that he is under a lot of pressure. So we let it go and I am surprised again to have him come into the bedroom and want to have sex. So I agree, but I am not into it. But it goes ok and we talk a laugh afterward.

So here's my point: I am 46 years old and no beauty queen, but I work out at the gym several days a week and try to maintain my weight and improve my strength. He does none of those things, he is overweight and out of shape. When I married him he wore a size medium shirt and now he wears an extra large. I believe in marriage, I believe in sticking to it, however I am not physically attracted to my husband anymore. So what do I do about that? I don't want him to feel unloved, but I don't want to feel obligated to have sex when I am not attracted to him. I will admit that sometimes I do look at men that I am attracted to, and I feel sad that I will never have that excitement in my life again. Oh fooey, where do I go from here? There seem to be so many hardships to face with this alcoholism. Here I am thinking I am doing well to just be faithful and put up with all his stuff and at the same time I am being asked to be loving in a way that is hard for me. What's up?

TexasGirl

Well, I can't help too much because my situation is a little different, but I'll share anyway. My husband is still attractive half of the time, but I found myself pulling away from him because I was disgusted by the effects of drinking the other half. Somehow, the morning after a binge, he would always be interested. The thought of his rotten beer breath, bloodshot eyes, scruffy face, and lack of, well, full attention grossed me out. He would get upset that I wasn't interested. But with him, sometimes he just went ahead and did it anyway. Now that sucks. He stopped drinking 2 1/2 weeks ago (not because he was choosing to be healthy but because his probation officer caught wind of wrongdoings, and he got scared), and it has been great. He's attractive to me, we go to bed at the same time, it's great. Will it last? Hoping for yes, expecting no. All that to say, it is hard when you don't feel attracted to someone. I don't have an answer...just an "I understand."

Buster

Ditto to what texas girl said

****************************{Rose 56}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

cwohio

rose - another ditto from the peanut gallery! i think the residule association after a long period of time puts the "crimp" on things as well. You tend to associate making love & the negatives as somehow synonymous. ok - that probably didn't come out right but that coupled with menopause has really put a stopper on any activity.

splendra

[QUOTE I am wondering if that statement isn't just a little bit negative? Are you not projecting and predicting the future here?

I understand how it feels to be grossed out by someone who's grooming habits and dietary choices have caused their body to be out of shape. Is it possible for you to invite your H to the gym with you? Or maybe you could gently say something about being concerned for his health as being over weight is not healthy.

Or are you just looking for a reason to have an affair?

GettingBy

Ooh, this one strikes a nerve. Amen to everything that has been so far. My husband is blessed with a very high metabolism so while he may stay physically attractive, he can be so ugly emotionally. While I can detach from the drinking, I still can not do it well enough so that I can have sex with with him during/after one of his drinking episodes. Missing out on all that intimacy is really taking a toll on our marriage.

I too understand with the husband's feeling of being "unloved". It's the same old dichotomy of: men have sex to feel love... women feel love to have sex. There has to be a give and take and compromise from BOTH sides. Unfortunately, when one partner is sick with alcoholism, that partner may not be capable of their share of the compromise. I know that B is going through an extreme selfish phase right now, and all he can focus on is the drink... leaving little to no energy to put into our relationship. Without attention/love/care from him, sex just isn't going to happen for me, but I don't beat myself up for it, and I will NOT accept full responsibility for the death of our sex life!!! LOL!

brightlight

I have a different problem, it is me that has gained weight and he still finds me attractive. He looks about the same, but lost muscle tone, but the SMELL of the beer and cigarettes is unreal and I am mad. He always wants to the NEXT day and I am mad and it is like I am a trophy to win. He wins me over and then his whole attitude changes and he goes back to the bar. If I stay mad 2 days then no bar for 2 days. Just weird, but also I hate the weight gain on me and I feel horrible and I am exercising and trying to lose weight and I think I will feel a lot different about everything when I feel normal again.

Zoey

GettingBy.....You said a good thing about the diff between male and female.
We hate it but truth.

This post is going to be about manipulation, but I feel manipulation for good is OK??

Very sad that sex is how they feel loved, important, needed. If we give sex then everything is wonderful between us as far as they are concerned and assures them they are still a powerful healthy man..
If we do not act as if they are the greatest sex partner their EGO's go into a tailspin. (Aways exceptions) (Hey guys! it is OK. Somethings males and females can't change, women cry, men don't, etc etc. we can't NOT cry and that makes males want to run)
In the case of my A, work came first, arn't men what they do, work ,then sports. and the ability to do man things. (Wonderful to have around to open jars etc etc )
If we LOVE and WANT to keep them I think if we could allow that AM sex, but make a deal. Say. " I love sex with you ANY time, but I am rather half asleep in AM, so can we have some eve time, take baths and really enjoy and have fun, and add ,I would soo love that. Gee! I am getting excited already.". ( Say or try only if you can mean it??? This is an honest program we are in. and the A's see throuh us if not true.

I believe men want to please us and make us content and happy with sex with them, don't we feel the same???. We want them to find us the most attractive ever.

Doesn't our sub-consious say to us ,that this is the glue that holds things together???
(Sex is a very strange thing.)
If his fav sport is football, we prob can't join in, but we can enjoy sex. IF we are still in love.)

I tried it with my hubby, worked great, but I wanted the good stuff. Wanted is the key.
Always remember these just my thoughts, suggestions, and each case is different.
clancy46

Deeds

Oh man this is a daily thing for me until after a while he stops trying and when he stops trying I don't even think about it due to the morning after issues. Which leads to his anger and then leads a lot of yelling and critisizing and later no talking.

that is a wonderful suggestion I just wish my husband was intrested in seeing more than just before he passes out and after he wakes up.

Rose, I feel for ya and if I find out a better answer, I'll let ya in on it

Rose56

Thanks all, for your thoughts. Splenda, no this is not about an excuse to have an affair. That is not an option for me. It's more about really considering separating from this man and his disease. For the first time I am really considering whether separating from him would be the best option for me. I am feeling like I love this man but no longer in love with him. It's like seeing this option for the first time, without the fear of making the wrong choice. I don't know. I can relate to the beer breath and also as he nears 50, his performance is not what it once was. Well thanks for listening.

luvmyfurbabies

This is also where I have an issue. What disgusts me is the swaying, the red eyes, the smell, blah blah blah. He has a way to ask me if it will happen tonight and lately I tell him I'm waiting for you to come home not drinking so I don't have to compete with the beer. It's so hard to deal with.