The Other Woman Update....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
The Other Woman Update....
I met with my Therapist for the first time last night. Earlier in the day Dave and I had spoken, so I was able to sit down and work through our conversation.
It's quite apparant that he is very angry with me. His back is against the wall and he's fighting everything and everyone right now. He point blank told me that he wanted me to feel the pain and that he was doing this to hurt me. Again, the disease talking, not the man that I know and love. This disease has gotten the best of him and right now is his sinking and I think truly about to hit rock bottom.
The Therapist and I worked through my feelings. I realized that while I expressed anger over his drinking and his lack of communication which brought us to where we are today..it was actually fear. I was afraid of losing him, afraid of him going to jail, killing someone while driving, or killing himself. All things that in reality I really don't have control over. By trying to use control, I thought I was protecting him. I still have a great deal of work to do on this, so ya'll just bare with me here.
In any event, he and I are supposed to meet today so he can get this things out of the house. She had me draft up a letter to him that I would read or have him read. This would give me a chance to do the "When you...I feel" without losing my place or misplacing my emotion. Although she said tears would be okay....LOL!!
Regarding the other woman...I feel that they are both responsible parties here, neither of them is a victim of circumstance. He went somewhere with her that noone else pushed him into. He made this choice, whether he was drunk or not, it was his choice. She accepted this, knowing that he was in love with another woman. She could have sent him packing and she chose not too. I'm sorry but it takes 2 to tango. Had she had a heart, she would have let him work out his issues before becoming sexually involved with him when he was vulnerable. I've already learned that just as many of you indicated, she is trying to now manipulate our friends against me...I guess she doesn't realize that they really don't care for her and they saw her true colors before I did. But I still have their respect for speaking with her and I know ya'll think I was foolish, but I said my peace.
On a funny side note...while I was at the Therapist, Dave and she met up with our friends to discuss the trip for this weekend. She ended up getting stuck with the tab. This is twice now because he is overdrawn at the bank. She was not the happy camper about this at all. However, just wait til she sees how expensive he will be to her at the tournament this weekend.
I thank you all for your honesty...it took me a couple of days to come in and lurk and read and then take away from it what I could comprehend at the time...I heart you all for your insight, experience and sharing of information. I am from the bottom of my heart glad that I have found you all. Sometimes the truth hurts...
It's quite apparant that he is very angry with me. His back is against the wall and he's fighting everything and everyone right now. He point blank told me that he wanted me to feel the pain and that he was doing this to hurt me. Again, the disease talking, not the man that I know and love. This disease has gotten the best of him and right now is his sinking and I think truly about to hit rock bottom.
The Therapist and I worked through my feelings. I realized that while I expressed anger over his drinking and his lack of communication which brought us to where we are today..it was actually fear. I was afraid of losing him, afraid of him going to jail, killing someone while driving, or killing himself. All things that in reality I really don't have control over. By trying to use control, I thought I was protecting him. I still have a great deal of work to do on this, so ya'll just bare with me here.
In any event, he and I are supposed to meet today so he can get this things out of the house. She had me draft up a letter to him that I would read or have him read. This would give me a chance to do the "When you...I feel" without losing my place or misplacing my emotion. Although she said tears would be okay....LOL!!
Regarding the other woman...I feel that they are both responsible parties here, neither of them is a victim of circumstance. He went somewhere with her that noone else pushed him into. He made this choice, whether he was drunk or not, it was his choice. She accepted this, knowing that he was in love with another woman. She could have sent him packing and she chose not too. I'm sorry but it takes 2 to tango. Had she had a heart, she would have let him work out his issues before becoming sexually involved with him when he was vulnerable. I've already learned that just as many of you indicated, she is trying to now manipulate our friends against me...I guess she doesn't realize that they really don't care for her and they saw her true colors before I did. But I still have their respect for speaking with her and I know ya'll think I was foolish, but I said my peace.
On a funny side note...while I was at the Therapist, Dave and she met up with our friends to discuss the trip for this weekend. She ended up getting stuck with the tab. This is twice now because he is overdrawn at the bank. She was not the happy camper about this at all. However, just wait til she sees how expensive he will be to her at the tournament this weekend.
I thank you all for your honesty...it took me a couple of days to come in and lurk and read and then take away from it what I could comprehend at the time...I heart you all for your insight, experience and sharing of information. I am from the bottom of my heart glad that I have found you all. Sometimes the truth hurts...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Pine, VA
Posts: 6
I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better but why are you still focusing your attention on the ex and his new girlfriend. Read your post - you mention how the other friends feel about her - is that really any of your business??? She had to pay and was not happy about that - again is that any of your business??? If these friends are running back to you and reporting on the activities of the ex and the new one are they really friends?? First they are keeping you in the middle of something that is clearly none of your business. Second, how do you know what they are saying to the ex and the gf?? I've known many people in my life who will tell me something about someone else and indicate they don't like them, etc. and then I found that as soon as the other person was around they were best friends and were saying things about me. I'm really not trying to bust on you - I'm being very blunt because a lot of what you have said reminds me of myself and I can tell you from my experience you are not doing yourself any good by worrying about him and about what everybody else thinks. Take care of yourself. Move on. You will be glad you did even though you may not think so right now. And don't get your hopes up about meeting him to get his stuff - have no expectations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by newmie
I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better but why are you still focusing your attention on the ex and his new girlfriend. .....If these friends are running back to you and reporting on the activities of the ex and the new one are they really friends?? First they are keeping you in the middle of something that is clearly none of your business. Second, how do you know what they are saying to the ex and the gf??.....And don't get your hopes up about meeting him to get his stuff - have no expectations.
Regarding the friends...I agree, I am tired that they are filling me in on everything. When I spoke to them this am...we agreed that they would do this no more...because it's only affecting me with the healing process.
He's already put off picking his stuff up today. Just as you said. He says it might rain.
Let the healing process begin for everyone...for he and I...only time will heal these wounds that run so deep in my heart.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Awwww......Lisa (((hug))) I think you've come a heckuva long way since the first post. You got hit pretty hard and I was wondering if you were gonna come back 
I'm glad you did. Yeah, the truth hurts. And, it's helpful to hear it from others cuz they're objectional and the ones that have been in your shoes can relate with you.
It's gonna take awhile for you to get over the hurt of the other woman. That's understandable. You've loved the man, for better and for worse, for a long time and in the short amount of time that he's been with the other woman,.....it's gonna sting for awhile.
Psychologists say that on a scale of least to most stresses in our life, losing a loved one to divorce AND infidelity are up there at the very top. There's some greif there to work through and give yourself time to do that.
She'll find out how he is. Only time will tell the truth. But, yeah......the friends gossiping, that's just gonna get messier. People LOVE to talk, especially if it's not about themselves. Misery likes company. If it were me, I wouldn't discuss it anymore with anybody but your counselor, here on the boards, close family and mostly God.
Rumors can get in there and just tear things up worse. It's nobody's business until we make it their business. So, I've learned to keep my mouth shut.
You're doing good considering what you've been through. Just keep hanging in there, girl!
I'm glad you did. Yeah, the truth hurts. And, it's helpful to hear it from others cuz they're objectional and the ones that have been in your shoes can relate with you.
It's gonna take awhile for you to get over the hurt of the other woman. That's understandable. You've loved the man, for better and for worse, for a long time and in the short amount of time that he's been with the other woman,.....it's gonna sting for awhile.
Psychologists say that on a scale of least to most stresses in our life, losing a loved one to divorce AND infidelity are up there at the very top. There's some greif there to work through and give yourself time to do that.
She'll find out how he is. Only time will tell the truth. But, yeah......the friends gossiping, that's just gonna get messier. People LOVE to talk, especially if it's not about themselves. Misery likes company. If it were me, I wouldn't discuss it anymore with anybody but your counselor, here on the boards, close family and mostly God.
Rumors can get in there and just tear things up worse. It's nobody's business until we make it their business. So, I've learned to keep my mouth shut.
You're doing good considering what you've been through. Just keep hanging in there, girl!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
Agreed!!
It's time to stop the madness and start the healing process. I've got a lot on my plate and I'll meet again with the Therapist tomorrow morning. Sadly, I was supposed to meet up with him today and go over everything with her tomorrow. But he's put it off yet another day. Funny last night when he was drunk he was so adamant about getting it and now he is blaming it on the rain. Deep down..he knows...he knows. He's just fighting it when he's drunk because the evil one has taken over. But I've got to heal...he's got to heal. Since my therapist told me to quit begging and pleading because that did not work..what now...do I push the issue about getting his stuff? Remember again, that despite all this, yes I do want him back. I know ya'll think I am crazy...but I do.
It's time to stop the madness and start the healing process. I've got a lot on my plate and I'll meet again with the Therapist tomorrow morning. Sadly, I was supposed to meet up with him today and go over everything with her tomorrow. But he's put it off yet another day. Funny last night when he was drunk he was so adamant about getting it and now he is blaming it on the rain. Deep down..he knows...he knows. He's just fighting it when he's drunk because the evil one has taken over. But I've got to heal...he's got to heal. Since my therapist told me to quit begging and pleading because that did not work..what now...do I push the issue about getting his stuff? Remember again, that despite all this, yes I do want him back. I know ya'll think I am crazy...but I do.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
What to do about his stuff? Leave it where it is, and start focusing in on your "stuff".
Your problems are not about him, they are about you.
What positive step have you taken today to rid yourself of codependent, non-healthy behavior? Al-anon meeting? Read recovery books? Called a recovering friend to share your feelings? That might be a good beginning.................
Take care
Your problems are not about him, they are about you.
What positive step have you taken today to rid yourself of codependent, non-healthy behavior? Al-anon meeting? Read recovery books? Called a recovering friend to share your feelings? That might be a good beginning.................
Take care
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Just a thought, but can you put his stuff in storage and afford to pay for it for a month?
That's what I would do, let him know, give him the key. After a month if he doesn't pay, they get rid of his stuff.
If you can afford it, that's what I would do and get his stuff the hell out of there without his help. Sheesh ...... big brave man when he drinks.
That's what I would do, let him know, give him the key. After a month if he doesn't pay, they get rid of his stuff.
If you can afford it, that's what I would do and get his stuff the hell out of there without his help. Sheesh ...... big brave man when he drinks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
He phoned me this evening and said he would meet me to hear the letter that my Therapist told me to write him. Of course three lines, I broke down and started crying...but my Therapist said crying was allowed. The letter was to keep me focused in what I had to say without expressing any other emotion. I never begged or pleaded. As the Therapist told me since that didn't work, try something else. He said Thats all fine and dandy, but you took my business away from me. It was at that point that I realized how fruitless this all was. He doesn't see that he had already lost the business and we were trying to salvage what was left and I used my last $$$ to save it (yes, I am foolish, but I didn't want the customer to not get their printing job). I told him I was sorry that he felt that way but that it wasn't really his business to begin with and that I really wanted no part of it, that the decision was made by someone else regarding this. He claims that had I not done that he would have felt different. I call B.S. on that. He was already gone, already with her when all this happened. I decided at that point...he and our partner can work it out. I really didn't want to take the business from him, it was at her request that I did it as well as the pressure from our friends to cut him off. I admit being confused and listening to people when I probably should not have. But what's done is done. I'm going back to my business and devote my time to it, my family and my therapy.
Let the chips fall where they may...he got in 700.00 yesterday and instead of being responsible and paying his car payment, he's going to spend it in Houston at the tournament.
Going to see my Therapist in the am and learn how to deal with the loss and sadness of it all and focus on getting me back. While I did not sleep last night, tonight I will. For once I will be able to go out of town, enjoy myself this weekend, not have to babysit and pick up the pieces...that's someone else's job now. It will be interesting to watch it as a bystander looking on. Tomorrow, I will go clothes shopping. I haven't done anything for me in so long but now it's my turn. My turn to have a life.
Yes, it hurts a great deal, and many of you know first hand the pain my heart is feeling...but it's truly a lost cause. Because I really did want him to come home. But he's not willing to meet me halfway on anything. While there is no emotion between he and this other woman, she lets him get away with murder and there are no ties, no boundaries, no control over him. I don't feel like playing the game with him/her. He told me this is what I wanted when I pushed him out, this is what I get and now I can deal with it. Well I'm too old to play games. My love was on the table and he turned it around on me again...as if I had given him back the business he would think about coming home...NOT. He's paying her rent...something I could not get him to do here the past 6mos. That says enough right there.
Thank you all for listening...This will be my only sounding board since I am not going back to my friends for anything anymore...
Let the chips fall where they may...he got in 700.00 yesterday and instead of being responsible and paying his car payment, he's going to spend it in Houston at the tournament.
Going to see my Therapist in the am and learn how to deal with the loss and sadness of it all and focus on getting me back. While I did not sleep last night, tonight I will. For once I will be able to go out of town, enjoy myself this weekend, not have to babysit and pick up the pieces...that's someone else's job now. It will be interesting to watch it as a bystander looking on. Tomorrow, I will go clothes shopping. I haven't done anything for me in so long but now it's my turn. My turn to have a life.
Yes, it hurts a great deal, and many of you know first hand the pain my heart is feeling...but it's truly a lost cause. Because I really did want him to come home. But he's not willing to meet me halfway on anything. While there is no emotion between he and this other woman, she lets him get away with murder and there are no ties, no boundaries, no control over him. I don't feel like playing the game with him/her. He told me this is what I wanted when I pushed him out, this is what I get and now I can deal with it. Well I'm too old to play games. My love was on the table and he turned it around on me again...as if I had given him back the business he would think about coming home...NOT. He's paying her rent...something I could not get him to do here the past 6mos. That says enough right there.
Thank you all for listening...This will be my only sounding board since I am not going back to my friends for anything anymore...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((SS)))))
You don't owe him anything. It sounds like you have been more than fair. Take care of you.
The OW will learn soon enough and hopefully by that time your heart will have done some good healing when he tries to come bouncig back.
Keep walking forward and don't look back. There are lots of men on this planet. If nothing else now you know what you don't want to put up with anymore
You don't owe him anything. It sounds like you have been more than fair. Take care of you.
The OW will learn soon enough and hopefully by that time your heart will have done some good healing when he tries to come bouncig back.
Keep walking forward and don't look back. There are lots of men on this planet. If nothing else now you know what you don't want to put up with anymore
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Sexysadie,
He doesn't want to take responsibility for anything so he's trying to turn it on to you.
It's all B.S what he is saying.
Take care you, move on with your life. He's only paying her rent to hook her in then he'll stop and revert back to his old ways.
Anyway never mind just carry on with you.
Ngaire
He doesn't want to take responsibility for anything so he's trying to turn it on to you.
It's all B.S what he is saying.
Take care you, move on with your life. He's only paying her rent to hook her in then he'll stop and revert back to his old ways.
Anyway never mind just carry on with you.
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 48
You aren't kidding about the friends...one of them, our mutual best friend...phoned me last night. He'd been drinking. He's the only one besides BF in our group that drinks...he started hitting on me over the phone. I've been up puking my guts up all night long. I really can't take much more than this. He's the one who's driving with me to Houston now that Dave is going with her. This will be a very uncomfortable drive. But hopefully he won't remember.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
If you deceide to get even by finding another man, or thinking a new man will help, Please, don't go to the bars??
We are people that are attracted to another one, and we can't tell untill it is too late.
Just don't want you to stop learning about this disease. We need all the knowledge we can get.
Find men that walk their dog in the park. Or they go to library, etc.
We are people that are attracted to another one, and we can't tell untill it is too late.
Just don't want you to stop learning about this disease. We need all the knowledge we can get.
Find men that walk their dog in the park. Or they go to library, etc.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
