10 Ways

Old 07-11-2005, 11:50 PM
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10 Ways

I posted this in naranon, I had a request from Cloudy to post it here. Here goes Cloudy .

10 Ways
Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem

By Ed Hughes, MPS
CCDC 111-E

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common, Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind. If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.

Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction. Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame. The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of there disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use. Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use.
Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others. This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say.Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don’t extract promises.
A person with an addiction cannot keep promises.
This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don’t preach or lecture.
Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger.
These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict. (A spouse confided that she would set her alarm to get up and pick her husband up from the bar.)

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.

And Best added #11 not part of the original, but one I thought could be of great help as well, thanks best.
#11 Pray pray pray
and as you pray, seek out the things that are needed through your prayers.
The strength, wisdom, and understanding to follow what is written above.
Place the situation in God's hands and trust Him knowing He is in control.



Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon. By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery.

I also find it very helpful to tell family members that these suggestions offer the best opportunity for the alcoholic/addict, perhaps motivating them to seek help for their problem. In the beginning, family members are extremely focused on helping their sick family member and have very little interest in helping themselves. So, a strategy of ending enabling behaviors and withdrawing inappropriate support that is designed to help their loved one become more willing to seek help will be more readily accepted by the family and will provide them with incentive to take these difficult actions. The family will eventually recognize the positive effect their changed behavior is having on them as well.
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Old 07-12-2005, 06:55 AM
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Thank you for posting this
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Old 07-12-2005, 07:33 AM
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Great post! A lot of good, clear information that I need. I really have to work on accommodating. That one is tough for me. Thanks!
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Old 07-12-2005, 07:51 AM
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All I can say is.... oooops

Thanks for posting this!
~Faithchaser
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Old 07-12-2005, 09:47 AM
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I have responded to the above 11 ways family members can help and find myself confused and wondering just what it is that I am not doing right.



1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction. Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
2) Ok I kinda get this. I don’t believe that it is due to upbringing or short coming. I do believe it is a learned behavior. I believe that a person turns to beer and pot (in my husband’s case) to dull the realities of life from his childhood years to now.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of there disease.


3) This one is difficult because I don’t see any consequences he has ever had to endure. He stays out all night and I don’t react because that doesn’t seem to help. However by not reacting it is almost as if I am condoning the action by not getting mad . So he is free to do as he wishes.
3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.

4) Considering he is the main monetary support in our family this is a non issue. At the same time he is a very functioning alcoholic. It is amazing how plowed he can get at night to the point he may even loose bodily functions and yet get up in the morning as if nothing has happened the night before and go to work.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use.
.


5) I agree it is an addiction but I have a hard time with the disease idea.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say.


6) I gave up threats a long time ago. I know that it is important to say what you mean and follow through however, speaking how I feel often leads to his getting mad at me for telling him how I feel even though he asks.

6) Don’t extract promises.
.


7) I have not ever asked for promises because I learned at a young age that promises are always broken form a drunk.

7) Don’t preach or lecture.

8) I believe this to be true as well

8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger.

9) Weather these actions create painful rollercoaster for the loved one but feelings of anger and hurt or natural and unavoidable in these situations so how can it be avoided? How you react as you are angry is another issue. Be angry and sin not. I have no pity for people who drink too much.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease.

10) I refuse to accommodate my husband for the vary reason he isn’t being healed responsible for his actions.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
11) I think I find myself drained from the worry of what kind of mood he will be and trying to react in a way that will upset. Like the saying walking on eggshells. I understand that isn’t the way to be however, how do you live in a way that you are not walking on eggshells and yet are not in a battle at the same time?

.
#11 Pray pray pray
and as you pray, seek out the things that are needed through your prayers.
The strength, wisdom, and understanding to follow what is written above.
Place the situation in God's hands and trust Him knowing He is in control.


12) For me prayer is usually all I have!

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Old 07-12-2005, 05:58 PM
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deeds you might be getting ahead of yourself and going to fast. Sometimes we need to slow down and take things as we undertsand them one day at a time if not one hour at a time untill it can all be absorbed and able to move onto the next situation. I know exactly how that feels because I myself get ahead of things and wanting to understand it all at once. But it took us many years to become who and what we are, so it is not gonna be overnight to understand and change everything at once.

Do you attend any face to face alanon meetings? If you do not I strongly recomend trying some out in your area to better help you understand alcoholism. to try and help you with number 1, For me and my research i have found that alcoholism or addiction to drugs is a disease because it is predictable. If one has cancer, there are certain things that will happen and how the body responds and the deteriation of the body. Like addiction or alcoholism if you look closely enough all of them will and do experience the same experiences in body deteriation, mind alterations, and family disconnection due to there "illness". It has been proven that addictive people have a different tolerance for alcohol and drugs that us "normies" or non alcoholics do not. There body does in fact process the chemicals differently and they do not respond to the toxins as we non addicts experience which for us creates a bad experiment so we will tend to steer clear from alcohol or drugs. As much as we can not understand there addiction, they can not understand why we don't like it. But once these addictive gene has taken that first drink or drug, it now is a matter of time before it invades every part of there body. No drug addict or alcoholic wakes up one day and just decides "hey I want to destroy my mind, body, and liver make everyone around me hurt". It takes its course slowly and by the time they even realize they have a problem, there bodies have now become dependant upon the drug they are ingesting to function. And if they try to stop, they find the withdrawals are a harsh reality they can not endure. There bodies have become so dependant on the drug ingested they litterally have no power to stop on there own untill they have come acrossed a bottom and realizing they need help outside of themselves. That is best i can descibe it being a disease from my findings, mostly on the web and thru here at SR. Now some people and some places will argue this and say that it is only labeled a disease for insurance purposes. If it is labeled a disease then the insurance has a responsibility to pay for rehabs and or medical care concerning the person with the disease. I personally go with the disease explanation but it is entirely up to you to come to these findings by your own research and of course feelings on the whole thing. I think tho no matter how you dice it slice it, they do ultimately become sick and can die from alcoholism and drug addiction. Maybe the first drink or drug was a choice, but after the drug has invaded there bodies it has taken over and it simply isn't a choice to get thru the day. If they do not drink or drug, they will get sick and there body craves, like when your hungry. It needs fed. Hope that helps in understanding it, from my point of view anyway.

Number 2 for me sounds EXACTLY like you. I simply do not react anymore, but even tho it seems it is not helping, it is. Just not the person we are not realizing it is helping. It is helping us to rest better, sleep better, go on with our daily lives. We have stopped becoming reactions to there actions and for that my friend is change, not in them, but in us and for the better I might add . Your doing good if you are doing this and not allowing his stuff become yours. You can not control him anyway, but you can control you.

Number 3 for me again is like your situation. My AH is the bread winner and somehow no matter how Drugged up he is the night or weekend before and I know during work he still manages to to get his paycheck to pay for his drugs.

Number 8 and your question is one I am working myself. Good question tho, maybe someone with more program and have been able to get passed this can come along and give us some insight here .

number 10 is a tuffie, wow good question. I am working on this as well.

Just stick in here deeds it all gets better in time and the more you learn and understand the better you will feel. We can survive this kiddo and thank god we have such a place here to come and learn and understand.
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Old 07-12-2005, 07:22 PM
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I was reading your post and I was thinking how I wished I had read it years ago. It took me a long time to "get it" so for those of you that don't quite grasp this stuff yet, don't be too hard on yourself. And I'll tell ya a secret - even those that do "get it" and work their program on a daily basis, well, we still fail every now and then. It's human - not a catastrophe.
But thank you for posting this post. I was reading through it and was thinking - "Yep, I remember doing that way too often"....."Um, yep, I did that too".......and so on. I can only hope that I've learned enough that I will stay focused on my recovery and not the A's. Hard - but it makes life a little easier to bear in the long run.
Thanks again for a great post.
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Old 07-14-2005, 05:12 PM
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thank you barbie :- ) i still really like this a lot and emailed it to myself
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Old 07-15-2005, 03:36 AM
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Great thread! Great reminders.
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