gbtusa99

I've attended a few AlAnon meetings still getting the hang of this. My AW, she doesn't think she has a problem, has been steadily declining over the past year. She continues to drink, is withdrawing from the family and has no accountability for her actions. Totaly denial. She is taking anti-depressants while she is drinking. Last week she decided to leave the house for a few days, I would not let her take her car as she was not sober at the time. My son and I both pleaded with her to stay and sleep it off, when we weren't looking she snuck out of the house with a bunch of clothes in her arms and walked off. Later, her drinking buddy friend called to say she had found my AW in a cemetary about 4 miles from my house. She came back a 2 days later, again she had been drinking. This event was witnessed by my 12 year old son.

I told her this morning that I want to talk tonight. It is my intent to ask her to leave the house as her drunken displays are starting to be apparent to my kids. My question is twofold, is it reasonable to ask her two leave and what if she refuses and second do I make her return conditional on her recieving any help for her problem or do I simply ask her to leave and leave it up to her to clean up her act and ask to come back.

I am at my wits end with this situation. I have tried and am working on myself, but it seems nothing changes with my AW. I cannot take it anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated.

CarolD

to SR....

If she is not willing to go Now what?
I suggest you speak to a lawyer as each state has different laws.

Does her doctor know she is mixing meds with alcohol?
You also might want to rtalk to him/her.

Sorry for the situation...Prayers for all of you.

blueangel

I am still new to this as well but have been down this road with several A's. I changed the locks on the door this weekend while my AH was still in the house and he still doesn't have a key to the house. Sometimes asking them to leave is all you can do. I had to do that times in my past with A's just to ensure the safety and sanity of me and my child. The irony of my changing locks in his presence was that he agreed to get help which he has never done before, and we are both now getting help. Please remember your child is old enough that they probably have known for some time what is going on so alateen meetings may work well for them or even counseling. One person can't get healed. the entire unit needs to get treatment for this problem. I sought personal therapy for my child and her anger issues concerning her being a miniature manhater due to the A's in her life due to my relationships, and it helped alot. that may not be for everyone but it's just 1 persons opinion....Good Luck

cupowater

I think its one thing when you yourself have to deal with the AW/AH's, but when your children are brought into it on that leval, it puts a whole new perspective on things. I think the main thing is that you let her know that her behavior is unexceptable to you and for your child, and that things have to change. Maybe you could organize an intervention. I would speak to a counsoler and or a lawyer to find out your options.
((((((((((gbtusa99))))))))

walkingtheline

Welcome. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Just my opinion:

You have every right to do whatever you need to do. What's best for you and your child is paramount.
This would be my choice. I prefer to let them find their own way.

However, please keep in mind you must have a long-term view.
What is she says "no"? Are you prepared to get a restraining order to remove her? It's important that before you speak you know you must say what you mean and mean what you say. Are you prepared for the pleading, the promises, the manipulation-what many of us have seen. Are you prepared to stand steadfast?

Have you considered any other methods? Intervention? Her doctor?

I'm so glad you've found al-anon. You also might search for a group for your son. This is a lot for a child, he may have many resentments, fears and/or anxieties. He may need a 'safe' way to express them and learn about his mother's disease.

I hope you find a way to find peace for your family.

gelfling

Hi and welcome,

Lots of good ideas above. Particularly the ones about talking with her doctor about the combination of meds and alcohol and doing an intervention. You could discuss this with him also.

My heart hurts for your son and what he's probably going through. And chances are, he's not telling you everything he's feeling. Please find alateen meetings for him. And alanon for yourself. You both need an education on this horrible disease.

Blessings

gbtusa99

Thanks all for the quick responses. What a great place. I have asked her to leave before but she simply won't go. No pleading, apologizing, nothing, she just won't go. She says she does not have a problem. So I suspect her reaction this time will be the same. I may have to go the legal route.

My son does talk about this issue from time to time, but one of you said, he is probably not saying as much as he is thinking. That really concerns me. I've asked him to raise his concerns with his mom, but he says he is afraid. But you are right, he needs a venue to get his feelings out. I will work on this asap!

I've considered intervention. There are plenty of family and friends that are very concerned for her. She has eliminated them from her life. She blames me for telling them that she has a problem. She was a wonderful person before all this started.

Her DR. is not my/our DR. is it ethical for me to contact him?

cupowater

I work in a hospital, So I am all too aware of the HIPPA laws. You can contact her doctor and voice YOUR concerns and offer up any information that you feel he/she needs to know in order to better care for his/her patient, but you cannot ask for any information about her, and he should not give you any either. That would be breaking the privacy (HIPPA) laws.

CarolD

doctor is wise as miximg some meds with alcohol is fatal.

Keep in touch..we care...

Zoey

I feel the Dr. knows. I also feel maybe Dr. mentioned it.
If DR. mentioned the drinking to her she ignored it. I am sure all Dr. are different, some just arn't going to get into it.

First I would talk to an attorney. Look in Yellow Pages , they sometimes mention one free consultation, sorta general idea, maybe answer acouple of questions.
Also just thought, call your States Attorney, I think there is one in each county seat. Ours here would be great, he in a recovering A.
Look for drug and A councelors, ask about interventions, think they would tell you the good and bad on that.
On intervention you have to have family and friends that mean business, that is hard to do, as if they have never lived in a house with an A, it is hard to understand.
If she ever mentions suiside, call the police, they will take her into protective coustody, at least I think they still do, ask them.
Hauled of to jail might be a wake up call.
If depression is really bad, perhaps see if she will talk to a psychiatrist, He maybe could put her in hospital. Hope you have Ins.
Talk just about the depression, they never ever want to hear about the alcohol.
I do not want to discourage you from talking to her Dr. always worth a try.
This is so hard for all of you.
Keep comeing back. To just vent helps soo much. Remember these are suggestions only. Take what you can use and leave the rest. These are just ideas, nothing is black and white or written in stone. clancy46

gbtusa99

Thanks to all who responded. It really helped me calm down and think this through more objectively.

I actually have 3 children, 17(boy), 15(girl), 12(boy). Both boys witnessed some or all of the madness that occured the last few days. My daughter was out of town with a friend.

As I think this through, each time my AW has an episode it is worse than the one before. And recently my children are expressing themselves with regard to her behavior. I have come to realize that they are much more affected by this than I though previously.

If I asked her to leave and she either doesn't agree or attempts to come back, my fear is the kids will let her back into the house. I have decided to first have a discussion with my children, and come up with a plan together, one which the children understand and support. Then I will implement it. I want them to be on board with mom having to leave for awhile to get help or at least stop harming my children. Then we will take it day by day to see what happens.

My wife was home last night. No mention of what she did the last several days, no apologies, nothing. She acted as if nothing happened. I know she needs consequences, but more importantly my children and I need sanity in our home. I came to the point last night, after reading alot of posts here and other information, that I cannot 'fix' this. I have been trying to fix this for 3 years and of course nothing has worked. I need to make this her problem to deal with if she chooses to. I need to stop feeling guilty that I cannot make her happy enough to stop drinking. I need to stop expecting her to love us enough that she will see on her own what she is doing to our family. I need to value my own happiness enough that I will expect to deserve to be in a happy relationship.

It makes me crazy that I seem to be the one that is hurting and working on our problems and she appears to be happy and content with her life. I have taken on all of the pain of this, while she is having a good time. I cannot allow this to continue. I have been hesitant to confront her as each time I do, she just throws back at me all the things she thinks I have done to drive her to drink. Logic doesn't work, concern doesn't work, expressions of love don't work, empathy doesn't work. I was and now I think my kids are (since they are starting to hold her accountable) the devil to her. We are the cause of her problems. It frustrates me to no end that I cannot make her see that her behavior is out of control. Early on a friend of mine whose husband in now a recovering alchoholic said, there is no sanity where alchohol abuse in involved. You can keep looking for it, but you will never find it until the A is sober. I now understand this to be true. But how do I overcome the overwhelming frustration that this can be fixed? That seems to be where I am stuck.

walkingtheline

Alcoholism is such a heartless disease!

If she has many friends and family who would be willing to participate in an intervention and if you could perhaps recruit a medical professional that might be perfect. You would need to have a treatment alternative in place...ready to take her if she is agreeable

1) it's a positive step
2) she'd have a choice...to leave for treatment or to just leave--and you'd have many who love and care to stand arm and arm with you. It might also help the children, if they see she's being offered help it might ease their minds.
3) Irregardless of how it plays out, everyone can honestly know they tried.

It's like faith, you simply have to accept it. The ONLY one who can fix her is her.

Again, I'm so glad you found this wonderful forum and I hope you find ways to find peace for all, particularly the children.

Cap3

Alcoholism the "family" disease.You say that your child needs to get his feelings out.And that you, will work on this asap...Your children are of the age that the program ala-teen will be helpful to them.There will be fellowship,understanding from other children,their age. Teens think us older folks know very little,,,lol..Your children will learn the tools of living in recovery.They will learn about the disease,alcoholism.That Mom is not hurting them on purpose,nor is it their fault.This is so important for them to understand.When i talked to my youngesters about Dad,s drinking,all they saw or thought was that i was against...him,and that i wanted them to gain up on him also.This was of course NOT,the case,but its what they believed,in their confusion.All they understood at the time was 2 parents,going against each other.Im a firm believer in this ala-teen program.Although my own children never went i know others who did.I eventually let go and let God.Had reading material around for them to read.They witnessed recovery,in us,one day at a time..There are no parents there,at ala-teen..No misunderstandings.They help each other through their recovery....Just a suggestions if i may.You know best....
all the best to you and your family,sending my prayers,for all of your recovery.

Girlfriend

No,gbtusa99,......we can't "fix" their problem. It'd be great if we could and many of us have tried over and over again, but to no avail and the same end result is that we are powerless over this disease and we have no choice but to let go and let God.

I was a drinker, myself, for 10 years. My children were ages 5 and 3 when I started. They never really understood it because they were so young. All they knew was that I was always sad or mad (not at them. My family or my ex husband....etc). Kids ALWAYS think it's their fault. Even though it has nothing to do with them, they still think "if only I was better, Mommy wouldn't be so sad".
My daughter is 23 now and we talk openly about it because I've been sober for 11 years now and she's a recording artist/songwriter and she even wrote a song about the feelings she had back then seeing me that way. It's so sad to me to think that they thought all that time that it was them. I had no idea back then what my drinking was doing to them. They didn't say much about it, never cried or said "Mom, stop drinking". They just kept their feelings to themselves.
I saw a videotape of myself after a few drinks at my daughter's 13th bday party with 25 of her friends around her. I hadn't ever seen myself "buzzed" before. I was TOTALLY SHOCKED!! It appalled me to see me acting like such a fool in front of my kids and their friends!!! That was rock bottom for me. I quit after that and went into therapy. Have been sober ever since, thank God.
Kids pick up more than we think they do. They observe much more. They see things that sometimes we adults don't see and they internalize it. Which is not good. Because, that does build up in their hearts and minds and they don't understand it very well. Being a child of an alcoholic can sometimes effect them for years to come. Your children are older than mine were, but still. I'm sure they hate seeing their mom that way. Al-ateen sounds great, therapy, counseling....something for them to release their frustrations and fears and sadness and for them to also have someone explain to them that it's a disease and that the A can get help for it (if the A wants it).

Good luck to you and my prayers are with you. It's not an easy road, but hang on to hope because I'm living proof that A's can and do get sober and that the family can heal and become whole again.

gbtusa99

Well, I've been talking alot with my two boys, both of whom have witnessed the craziness of late. They told me that my AW apologized for them having to see her acting this way. Not for her behavior directly but for them having seen her. She asked why they are not talking with her and they told her that until they believe she will listen, they have nothing to say to her. I am proud of the way my boys are handling this.

We have not done the intervention yet, though I have been very careful to explain to the kids that we do not hate mom, we love her, and we want to help her see that she needs help. We are doing this out of love not anger. My oldest son brought my daughter into the loop on things last night. She now has a clearer picture of what is going on and seems to support the intervention idea. Tonight I hope to meet with the kids and lay out our plan.

I realized that for so long I was trying to avoid dealing with this directly. I was trying to save my kids from alot of heartache and pain. But what I've come to understand is that the kids have been looking to me for a way to resolve this problem. Either mom leaves or mom gets help, but the status quo is not acceptable.

Anyway, that is where things are now. Wish me luck.

cupowater

Sounds like you are off to a good start. My prayers are with you!

Zoey

Will you have an intervention counselor with you?? We A's are tricky.
Bluff and con, along with all you know about, lie, beg, get sad, make promises, threats.
An intervention is where one really has to hang in. Keep repeating, "we want you well, we want you to do this for you". etc. In your words of course.
I feel it would really be worth having an intervention person on board. Hopefully you have.

gbtusa99

At this point, I am not planning to use an intervention counselor. I have done alot of research on the intervention process and believe I understand it pretty well.


I am not intending to be bluffed or to fall for excuses. My plan is to simply have each of us quickly explain how we feel. I will not allow back and forth interaction or discussion. At the end of the presentations I will offer her options and take if from there. I won't allow a dialogue to take place. To me it's much like when you have to terminate an employee...less is more. All the talking has already been done, just make the presentation, ask for a decision and move on. No real discussion is needed.

You are right though, if given the chance she will try very hard to convince us that we are wrong and she does not have a problem. Been down that road before, not going to happen again.

Am I wrong?

cwohio

prayers to you and your kids that you can find peace & recovery for your family!

gelfling

No amount of research is going to assist you in this process. You need a professional. Please consider it.