Rho

I am so confused on what to do. One minute I HATE my AH the next I care for him & assick as it is the next I have sex with him again even though we have not lived together since Feb of last year. He moved out to get clean and sober to his moms well long story short he is still at his mommies. He was clean until feb of this year so he says, and now he is claiming to PLEASE Give him another shot becasue he is back to meetings and has a sponsor and wants to make our marriage work. He states that if I really love him and our son that I would give him another cahnce. Yet just about 3 monthsago now I asked him to get an aprtment eith me and my 2 kids (our son my 13 yr old daughter) his answer was "No he wanted to go to school and get a degree first". He isn't working, and has not worked in over 2 years except for a two week thing here and there to make quick cash casue he does construction. Yet I work my ass off as a Project Admin for the VP of operations at my company, go for training take care of the two kids emotionall and Financiall becauseh edoes NOT pay Child support becasue he calims he can' afford it.

Do I believe in him and give him another shot? What do I do? Or do I get my divorce lawyer and get rid of the DEAD END situation as other people call it???

Help I am so lost:nervous

best

People can change. There is hope for him yet.
I happen to be one who has changed and our marriage has been healing and improving ever since.

What I would say... proof from him that he has changed is what is needed.
Not a day or a week but over enough of time that you can see the changes. Not changes that he is telling you are happening but changes that you see with your own eyes.

I have changed said he. Show me would be your reply.
Actions speak louder then words. You will know when his actions are speaking.

No threats or promises towards him... just answers such as ... we will see.
and changes will dictate what will be.

Rho

Thanks best. My family CAN NOT stand the thought of me giving him another shot and I was spending time with him and getting intimate with him again UP UNTIL I found out he picked up the drugs again, and it really burned my A$$ becasue he can't pay child support for our son but he can go but his crack?!?

justme

Be strong and only you know what to do.My husband is an heroin addict and it only pauses to get better for a short time and than back on the rollercoaster of emotions.Don't wait your life wondering what if. Move on and if in time he changes great but live for yourself today. You only live life once.

minnie

imho, that is NOT recovery-speak, that is emotional blackmail. Do you want to be with someone who resorts to such tactics?

Actions, not words. And actions take time. I firmly believe in seeing evidence, over time, of serious recovery before making any decisions such as this one.

What do YOU want to do? Not what he wants, or what your friends think, but YOU?

Rho

[QUOTE=minnie]imho, that is NOT recovery-speak, that is emotional blackmail. Do you want to be with someone who resorts to such tactics?

Actions, not words. And actions take time. I firmly believe in seeing evidence, over time, of serious recovery before making any decisions such as this one.
QUOTE]

He is still tossing demands my way and using our son to mess with my emotions, it is always if you love our son then you wouldn't hurt his daddy (my AH) this way or that way. That I am letting my/our son down by giving up on my AH. If I love our son this if I love our son that. DOES IT EVER STOP?!?!?

megamysterioso

It won't stop until you make it stop. I would take a lot of Minnie's advice here b/c actions are the key sweetie. If he hasn't held a job in so long and is not in school when he used schooling as an excuse not to move back in with you, that says volumes. Is he really serious??? Doesn't seem like it. Does he want to be with you now b/c now it would be easier and more comfortable for him? Possibly.

It does not sound like he's come very far in his emotional recovery. He is using your son to pull on your heartstrings and that is not the markings of a mature man that has changed.

megamysterioso

Whoops-- sorry Rho! I didn't realize that your initial post was a year or so old! Is he working now?

LaTeeDa

Hi Rho. I'm a little confused with the old threads being bumped up. I don't know if I'm responding to something that is happening now or in the past. Maybe you could start a new thread and let us know what is going on with you now. (Or maybe I'm just easily confused.) LOL

L

LaTeeDa

Okay, this appears to be the current part of the thread.

I say if you love your son, you do your best to provide him with a happy and peaceful life, free from addiction and all the dysfunction that goes along with it.

And, I think it stops when you put a stop to it. Boundaries?

L

Rho

Sorry for confusing you I was reading through old post and the sick thing is that the MFer is still putting me through HELL, he is NOT working, drugging but yet going to meeting and rehabs an speaking he is now on his 5th sponsor, going to church asking the preacher for a support letter to stae that he is active in the church attending meetings and a WONDERFUL father. How I found that out I know a few peeps that go to that church. He is working the system and trying to do nothing but SCREW me over and make me life an F-ing hell.

He is great at messing with me mentally, emotionally, my heart and mind is ALWAYS fight with each other. He wants to have sex still, he ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I need to shut up and crawl in a whole some where and NEVER come out:uzi2:

best

I think what you need to do is get to some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings and get some peace into our life. What are "you" doing for you? We know what he is doing.

Rho

What am I doing for me?
Staying drug free,
Working everyday,
Hitting the gym each morning @5 NOT A CRACK PIPE!!
paying bills,
being the best mom I can,
looking into finding a sponsor Becasue I REALLY NEED ON RIGHT ABOUT NOW,
laughing some
going through with the divorce
stop having sex my my AAH
I don't know putting myself through hell trying to figure out how a F-ing loser like him is getting away with all the **** he does, not working, not paying chilsupport, not paying his bills but making his mom pay them and she only lives off a VA check, not paying his probation fees (only know what cause I get the bill), not followingthe court orser of having supervised visit with his son, he does what he want when he wants and when I call the PO on him he talks his way out of it , makes it out that I am razy, stupid f-ed inthe head and so on...I don't know what am I doing for myself. I should be in bed casue I get up at 5am and it is 1:08 am now.

best

That is a two sided thing. Him doing it, you allowing it.

He is getting away with nothing. You are seeing the results of his poor actions in your life but know this... one day it will all catch up with him.
He can only affect your life to the degree you allow him to do so.
Right now the things you are thinking he is getting away with you are allowing to make you angery. Leave his issues for him to deal with and do what you need do for you. He will have to find his own solutions for his issues.

Rho

It kills me to see all that he gets away with,
AAH goes to the Drs on my expense because I have to carry him on my insurance until we are divorced,

I would love to go to college but can't afford it, but yet he is going to college on NYs money because he is a so called recovering addict, shoot they pay him 17cent per mile for gas to and from school but yet he still uses drugs, I wish some one would pay me 17cents a mile for gas becasueI am a recovering addict making my life better for me and my kids NOT HAPPENING,

Harrasses me and I had him arrested finally 2 time becasue of it but he gout OUT of it becaseu he is a RAT and because he turned a big dealer in he gets off.

Me I got arrested for calling and asking him to go to marraige councling 3 times in a row last summer and he told the police he felt threatend and alarmed and wanted me arrested I got arrested couldn't afford a lawyer becasue of family court lawyer fees and I had a reframe from order o protection placed on me to NOT alarm, scare, threaten him again and if I did I could be charged with a felony

I call the cops on him when he is out with Josh our son on his own, by time the cops show p to check on the status he mother LIES for him and saud no SHE IS CRAZY and I was with my son and grandson, But she WASN'T!!!

Hedoesn't pay child support but keeps getting away with it becasue he has gotten DR note 1 after another stating health reason why he can't work and becaseu he is a so called recovering addict and going to school to better his life his lawyer fights that working would interupt his great behaviorand action s of better his life.

He can afford a family court and criminal court lawyer, but yet can't pay me the $70 a week in child support which got lowered from $120 a week.

He smokes cigs and play lotto has his truck insurance paid monthly, gas in his truck, loto tickets all the ime, hi beer and crack, dr visit and meds paid for becasue I have to keep him on my health insurance.

You know I need to stop I understand what you stated about it being to sided. The thing is I live a positive constructive life, and I live pay check to pay check, stress myself to make sure my kids and I are okay kiss ass at my job so i can continue to succeed but yet he is a ******* loser and gets everything he wants in life and doesn't do nothing but watch TV , drive around all day waste space when he is in it. Yeah I have to worry about my self, and I have and maybe I am just getting to a breaknig point where it is like what the **** why is it so hard on me and I am the correct one and he is what he is and lies everytime he opens his mouth and FILL MY SONS head with EMPTY promises. Jut the other day my little boy said mommy my da-da is going to buy me a racecare bedand a fishing pole. I said oh honey to my AAH are you really where is my child support you ahave not paid in 1-1/2 yrs and he tells me to go F myself that he would like to get it but can't. SO WHY LIE TO A LITTLE INOCENT BOY!?!?

best

He sounds so much like my brother and you need to LET it Go.

Know this... my brother did the same and kept himself out of jail for 10 years. Sooner or later it will catch up to him, just as it did for my brother.
8 years in, no parole was granted.

What we see on the surface, it looks like he is getting away with so much.

What you need do is keep working on your own recovery and do what you need do to keep you and your son safe and happy. If his taking your son is putting him at risk...don't leave him there. You are looking for rational results from someone who isn't acting rational.

Rho

Thank you and I understand what you say but it is court order to be there on the days he is andif I DO NOT bring him myAAH will sprint to the COPS and file a VIOLATION on me. They thesysytem thinks it is okay because it is at my mother inlaws house but hte woman is afriend of her own son my AAH and LIES for him all the time, but I hear you but it is not as easy as people think it is.

megamysterioso

Oh Rho--- I cannot wait until your divorce is finalized. He sounds like a real piece of work and even though he appears to "get away with everything," it will catch up to him one day.

I really understand your anger as you are doing your best to be "the good citizen" and he is a drug addict living a lie and appearing to get his way all the time. IMO, the system can only be fooled for so long. His doc will hopefully one day see the light and cease the notes and the police will catch onto him eventually. He may have people fooled now, but it rarely lasts. One big problem I see in all this is that his mother is a HUGE enabler in his life. Once you are out of the picture, she'll probably take care of his every need, but who cares??? That is their own hell to live with.

I know it's easier said than done, but do have faith that his day will come and try to allow yourself enough comfort in that to let go a lot of your anger. Your anger is stressing you out big time and it would be best to just delve yourself into your own life and things that you actually have control over rather than obsessing about his. Work on your own recovery and your own post-divorce plans.

Is there any way you can move really far away from this man after the divorce? I think you need a fresh clean slate away from him.

laurie6781

RHO tell you what, the part that is really bothering me here, is he is suppose to have supervised visits. So may I suggest the next time you see him out with the boy and just him and your son, snap a picture. Print the pic out, and date it, or if you have a camera that imprints the date, make sure the date and time are accurate in the camera.

Hell buy a one time use camera, just for taking pics of him and son ALONE and then keep a written record of time and date each pic was taken. They will speak louder than 10,000 words when its court time for the divorce.

Also, because child support has been ordered and he is NOT paying it, file for AFDC, that will get you the child support and the government will be on his azz for repayment.

Hope that helps.

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job for you and the kids. Focus on you and the kids, his actions will catch up to him.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Rho

This is how I feel. Yeah you would lthink the sysytem would soon catch on but a long story really short he is 33 and has been drinking and drugging on and off since he was 12/13 got discharged from the Army way back because of drugs and alochol. He is a rat and becasue of that the cops tollorate him and blow off what I have to complain about. SICK BUT TRUE! And move away, why should I have to change my life, my daughters school and my job to get away from him!?!? Also he is trying to get it where I can not live more then 20 miles from his home. My lawyer is laughing at it but that is another one of my sad AAH trys in F-ing up my life and happieness..