just not good
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
just not good
i hate to even write this on here....and bring down anyone that is having a good day.....i cant stop crying.....i feel like i want to throw up...im not understanding why i get so much disappointment in my life...i was having a good weekend...i had come so far with the whole ex relationship thing.....ive talked alittle about my son on here. he has what i call "episodes". hes been in and out of rehabs and mental hospitals. the episodes consist of aggression, severe agitation,threats,nastiness,unable to rationalize, there is just no talking to him when he is in this state....there is NOTHING that will stop it.
years ago, he would admit to drug use,and then end up in rehab and or a mental facility. in recent years,they have happened less frequently,but he always denies any drugs are involved.the only diagnosis that ever came out of the years of hell,was "severe depression with pychotic tendencies". at that time they wanted to put him on meds, and he skipped out. over the years, i have begged him to get on meds, he says he will when he is rational, and then doesnt. now he has a very co-dependent fiance. they always get me involved in their sh*t. i have told both of them over and over that they need help before they should even THINK about marriage. they agree,and then again--nothing. the whole time, even though she sees his episodes, she is still pushing the marriage,and pushed to buy a house that they moved into this week.
last nite,i get one of "those" calls from him. out of control,telling me her father and whoever else, got into a physical fight with him at the father's house. for two hours,it is off and on on the phone with the girlfriend, while they are DRIVING,he is ranting and raving, making threats against her family, and she is hysterical, telling me she doesnt want him to leave town,like he wants, because SHE LOVES HIM. he will not talk to me because he does not like what he knows i will say. we keep getting disconnected, and i sit here worrying about what is happening. at one point i go to the airport, because they are there, and he is carrying on so bad,i know he is going to get arrested.i get there,cant find them and realize i have no money with me to get out of the parking lot. all in all i have three hours of total chaos, them not answering two cell phones at times, when i do talk to her, she is hysterical so im not getting any answers, then the line goes dead.
i talk to his father on the phone, she had said he was going up north, the father said he could. all he can say to me, is what he has said from the day all this started YEARS AGO....."he needs to be put away"........and then when i say i told her she should let him go up there he says."what, so he can come here --is that what you want, SO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM????????"
i calmly tell him......no, so that maybe because going up there,is all he ever talks about,he will go up there,and with his fathers no tolerance rules,he will finally get the help he needs.
and i hang up on him. a couple hours later he calls me back and says he wanted to call back cuz he didnt want me to think he hung up on me,as it was noisy,and he was on the cell phone then. if i understood and heard right, he said the son and girlfriend are driving up there this week.
my last conversation with the girlfriend i told her to tell my son, that i do not want to hear from either one of them again until they both go get the help they need.
i told them all again last night. i cant keep dealing with this. i shouldnt have to deal with this. none of them realizes what i have dealt with for years and years. my daughter tells me to move----so i can get away from my son---so he cant find me to stress me out......
i finally said i have to just let it go....he is an adult,and what he chooses to happen,happens.
i cant make his father become the father he should have been for the past 17 years...oh yeah, he didnt even know how old our son was, in the conversation called him a twenty-two year old, he is 26!!!
im on the major pity party bus. i know i can hang up when he is in these episodes. (though i am always afraid of what he might do--not just to someone else or himself,but in doing something to my property just because he is pissed off...though he never has)...i know i can stick to the unless they get help, stay away....etc etc......but here i am yet again, wondering what i ever did in my life that i keep getting all this turmoil, disappointment,stress, etc etc..............
as someone said on one of the threads a few weeks ago, i am not suicidal but i could care less if i live or die anymore. I AM TIRED......SO SO TIRED. how many times can you keep getting up??????
years ago, he would admit to drug use,and then end up in rehab and or a mental facility. in recent years,they have happened less frequently,but he always denies any drugs are involved.the only diagnosis that ever came out of the years of hell,was "severe depression with pychotic tendencies". at that time they wanted to put him on meds, and he skipped out. over the years, i have begged him to get on meds, he says he will when he is rational, and then doesnt. now he has a very co-dependent fiance. they always get me involved in their sh*t. i have told both of them over and over that they need help before they should even THINK about marriage. they agree,and then again--nothing. the whole time, even though she sees his episodes, she is still pushing the marriage,and pushed to buy a house that they moved into this week.
last nite,i get one of "those" calls from him. out of control,telling me her father and whoever else, got into a physical fight with him at the father's house. for two hours,it is off and on on the phone with the girlfriend, while they are DRIVING,he is ranting and raving, making threats against her family, and she is hysterical, telling me she doesnt want him to leave town,like he wants, because SHE LOVES HIM. he will not talk to me because he does not like what he knows i will say. we keep getting disconnected, and i sit here worrying about what is happening. at one point i go to the airport, because they are there, and he is carrying on so bad,i know he is going to get arrested.i get there,cant find them and realize i have no money with me to get out of the parking lot. all in all i have three hours of total chaos, them not answering two cell phones at times, when i do talk to her, she is hysterical so im not getting any answers, then the line goes dead.
i talk to his father on the phone, she had said he was going up north, the father said he could. all he can say to me, is what he has said from the day all this started YEARS AGO....."he needs to be put away"........and then when i say i told her she should let him go up there he says."what, so he can come here --is that what you want, SO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM????????"
i calmly tell him......no, so that maybe because going up there,is all he ever talks about,he will go up there,and with his fathers no tolerance rules,he will finally get the help he needs.
and i hang up on him. a couple hours later he calls me back and says he wanted to call back cuz he didnt want me to think he hung up on me,as it was noisy,and he was on the cell phone then. if i understood and heard right, he said the son and girlfriend are driving up there this week.
my last conversation with the girlfriend i told her to tell my son, that i do not want to hear from either one of them again until they both go get the help they need.
i told them all again last night. i cant keep dealing with this. i shouldnt have to deal with this. none of them realizes what i have dealt with for years and years. my daughter tells me to move----so i can get away from my son---so he cant find me to stress me out......
i finally said i have to just let it go....he is an adult,and what he chooses to happen,happens.
i cant make his father become the father he should have been for the past 17 years...oh yeah, he didnt even know how old our son was, in the conversation called him a twenty-two year old, he is 26!!!
im on the major pity party bus. i know i can hang up when he is in these episodes. (though i am always afraid of what he might do--not just to someone else or himself,but in doing something to my property just because he is pissed off...though he never has)...i know i can stick to the unless they get help, stay away....etc etc......but here i am yet again, wondering what i ever did in my life that i keep getting all this turmoil, disappointment,stress, etc etc..............
as someone said on one of the threads a few weeks ago, i am not suicidal but i could care less if i live or die anymore. I AM TIRED......SO SO TIRED. how many times can you keep getting up??????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by sunshinebluesky
i finally said i have to just let it go....he is an adult,and what he chooses to happen,happens.
You only get caught up in his drama if you let yourself.
And all things being what they are, getting arrested might just be the best thing that could happen to him.
It's your life sunshine, yours.
You get to choose how you're going to live it.
So what's it going to be?
A life wrapped up in his drama, or you going out there and finding your bliss?
Take some time off from all this and do some nice things just for you.
Re-charge your emotional batteries.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
oh, i forgot about the......
embarrassment and humiliation i now feel..........i could not look her parents in the eye....................even though,they are involved with the drinking every weekend,etc......
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I agree with what Gabe said.
It sounds like this situation is very similiar to that of living with an active A.
You are living right in the middle of the insanity with your son. You don't have to if you YOU don't want to. Let him go, let it all go. Maybe he needs to be arrested and hit his bottom. That's not for you to decide though. You can't control it; I wouldn't answer his calls anymore.
You are trying to heal yourself, and with all this other drama and chaos, it's only sucking you back into the insanity.
Maybe moving and changing your number would be a good thing..
It sounds like this situation is very similiar to that of living with an active A.
You are living right in the middle of the insanity with your son. You don't have to if you YOU don't want to. Let him go, let it all go. Maybe he needs to be arrested and hit his bottom. That's not for you to decide though. You can't control it; I wouldn't answer his calls anymore.
You are trying to heal yourself, and with all this other drama and chaos, it's only sucking you back into the insanity.
Maybe moving and changing your number would be a good thing..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
You do not have to be a player in the drama.
You don't HAVE to accept their invitation.
If you recognize it's one of "those" calls, why do you stay on the line to listen? Wouldn't a quick "Sorry, I've got to run, love you!" serve you better than listening?
There's your answer. You said it.
Do something to be nice to yourself and enjoy the rest of this holiday!
they always get me involved in their sh*t.
i get one of "those" calls from him
i cant keep dealing with this. i shouldnt have to deal with this.
Do something to be nice to yourself and enjoy the rest of this holiday!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Love and blessings to you as you try to survive this insanity.
My daughter (age 22) is an alcoholic and she was committed to psych ward of hosp. last week and put on anti-psychotic drugs. She was very resistant and gave them a lot of trouble. She claims she's "not crazy". They say she has "borderline personality disorder', which could be the reason for a lot of her troubles, including the alcoholism...She's out now and taking her meds, but she relapsed and broke two months of sobriety on Saturday...
In any event, I can understand the gut wrenching feelings when you get those phone calls. We have a connection to our adult children, like it or not...
Are you going to Alanon, seeing a counsellor, and working a recovery program for yourself? I am doing all of those things and it is really helping. The first thing I learned in Alanon is that I can't control my daughter, or her disease.
Another thing I learned in Alanon was to detach with love. This is helping me feel at peace with the daily insanity around me.
A dual diagnosis of metal illness and alcoholism in your adult child is a difficult thing to deal with. You need help for yourself. You need to take care of yourself. Stress can be very damaging to your helath once you get into your forties and older.
It might sound like a bit of a cop out to say "detach with love and focus on your own recovery" but I have found it to be very good advice.
love and blessings to you and your son.
Robin
My daughter (age 22) is an alcoholic and she was committed to psych ward of hosp. last week and put on anti-psychotic drugs. She was very resistant and gave them a lot of trouble. She claims she's "not crazy". They say she has "borderline personality disorder', which could be the reason for a lot of her troubles, including the alcoholism...She's out now and taking her meds, but she relapsed and broke two months of sobriety on Saturday...
In any event, I can understand the gut wrenching feelings when you get those phone calls. We have a connection to our adult children, like it or not...
Are you going to Alanon, seeing a counsellor, and working a recovery program for yourself? I am doing all of those things and it is really helping. The first thing I learned in Alanon is that I can't control my daughter, or her disease.
Another thing I learned in Alanon was to detach with love. This is helping me feel at peace with the daily insanity around me.
A dual diagnosis of metal illness and alcoholism in your adult child is a difficult thing to deal with. You need help for yourself. You need to take care of yourself. Stress can be very damaging to your helath once you get into your forties and older.
It might sound like a bit of a cop out to say "detach with love and focus on your own recovery" but I have found it to be very good advice.
love and blessings to you and your son.
Robin
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