minnie

I'm looking to tap into all your wisdom, particularly that of the mothers on the boards. I'm trying hard to do the right thing, but I'm not really sure what that is.

Bit of background - my ex A fiance (R) has a 13 year old son (A) who lives 500 miles away with his Mum (K). They split up when he was about 2 and R then moved away, visiting sporadically. A does not have a happy time at home with K - she has a b/f who doesn't make any effort with him and he is very much excluded. His paternal family, who live a few miles away, don't see him except when R visits. A has started getting into bits of trouble - cries for attention, imho.

When we got together, in true codie fashion, I ensured that they saw each other regularly, including A visiting for 4 weeks in the summer. Since Christmas, R has only seen him once - too busy with his new woman (?women). I had an up and down relationship with A - especially after I learnt about boundaries!!! On the whole, though, we got on pretty well, although we would never speak between visits. You know how teenage boys are? He would speak to me quite candidly when we were on our own sometimes, though. R has admitted to him that he has a "drink problem", but really just left him with that information, which must have been confusing for him.

I have had no contact with A since I split up with his father in December. I have no idea what has been said about the break-up. I was in no fit state to know what was best to say and, knowing his Dad and his probable reaction, I didn't want to create a drama. I knew that whatever I said would be denied by R and cause A to think that I was lying to him - of course he would believe his Dad over me.

Anyway, as I get healthier, I realise that this poor lad has lived a life of abandonment, denial and lies. If I don't explain things to him, no-one else will, and he will feel that someone else has gone out of his life with no explanation. (R was married before me and when they divorced, R just said she was a nutter). However, I will be creating a situation where his Dad can lie to him again. He is visiting his Dad for 4 weeks from Monday and I know his Dad is drinking again.

I want to keep my side of the street clean. I want to pass on some of what I have learnt - that life with an alcoholic is insane and it is not A's fault. Yes, I want to do some rescuing!

I read so many stories about children of alcoholics and the feelings that arise from that. It breaks my heart to know that A is subjected to the same environment. However, I do not want to get involved in the drama again. I am not his Mum and never once tried to be in that role. From the first time I met him, I stressed that we were, or would be, pals.

Any advice on what I should do? Should I write him a letter once he gets home? Should I speak to him on the phone? I may see him in a few weeks when I meet R for a business meeting.

I know this is a bit rambling, so feel free to ask questions!

Thanks

Minnie
xxx

CodeMaster

I dont have any good advice for you.

But I share with your your experience of no contact with ex-A for a while... to be honest, sometimes I really miss her... sometimes I still dream of her, and sometimes I want to contact her.

Like you, I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping no contact though. I think its probably better for both of us.

And everyones advice is right, finding a different girl doesnt help me forget her. I can be with a wonderful girl who will do anything for me but even so, I still cant help my anger for her when I lift and feel the pain or thinking and sometimes missing her a few times a day.

In any case, I do hope she is happy and recoverying and whatever she is doing, I do with her the best... I will be journeying on to see what life , what destiny is trying to shine light on for me to see...

I hope you contacting your ex wont be a bad thing, I cant say I know if its good or bad, but I wish you the best always Minnie.

historyteach

Minnie;
It's always hard when we deal with children from our SOs. I had step children for 24 years before their father and I divorced. When we see each other, I express my love for them, but, don't talk about our divorce at all. That is between their father and me. Not them. Our relationship is seperate from their father.
It sounds as if yours with A is too. I would write his son a note, and let him know that you care. Tell him he can keep in contact and that you'll be there - IF you will. I would leave his father out of it; A will know soon enough if he doesn't already. But, their relationship belongs to them. Don't interfer with it. He will only resent you if you do.
You might want to tell him about www.sober-teens.com too. There's a good place for him if he choose to reach out in a safe environment.
I think it's wonderful that you care so much about A. That, in the end, will mean a great deal to him.
Keep up the good work!
Shalom!

closethippie

Minnie,I do not have any good advice to offer you. Dealing with exs children is difficult. What to do and not do. Think the advice given above was good about the www.sober-teens.com .
Will sent good vibes your way. Know you will make the right decision. Good luck.

minnie

Teach and closethippie - thank you both.

Teach - Why did I forget about not getting involved in THEIR relationship?!! Guess it's because I don't have kids myself. I have been composing a letter in my head for months but knew I didn't have it quite straight in my head. Thank goodness I've learnt to wait until the time is right. I think I'll send him a card and just write that I care about him and I'm there if he needs to talk about anything and that our conversations are private (he knows this already as I never betrayed his trust when I said this before). Then I'll leave the ball in his court (I'm watching the tennis!). I may never hear from him again, but at least he'll know he's got an ear if he wants it.

Thanks again.

Love

Minnie
xxx

minnie

Actually, I've changed my mind. He's of the cyber generation, so I'll keep it casual and text message him - "Have a great holiday with your Dad. If you ever need to talk, you know where I am. Love you. Minnie.xx"

What do you think?

historyteach

I think kids know when you are genuine and when you are not.
Do what you know to be best for the two of you!
And don't forget to mention www.sober-teens.com .
Shalom!

gelfling

Hi Minnie,

The idea of sending a message is great. Just let him know you love and care for him. Sometimes, a simple message is the best. He'll remember.

FriendofBill

Hi Minnie....

You always amaze me with your calm, cool ability to find the solution! The text idea sounds wonderful to me.

Though you dont need to get into rescuing someone else, you certainly can be a friend to the young one and a text wouldbe a gentle, non-intrusive way of letting him know you care!

Theres always a solution, glad you posted today!

Hey,,,Im watching tennis too, only 5 hrs behind you! Go Roddick!

sunshinebluesky

hi minnie. my first thought was just let it all be......yeah,right coming from ME!!!!---but i think if its in your heart to contact the son, you all have the right idea of keeping it simple and keeping it strictly between you and the son,letting HIM do any talking of your ex,now or in the future. if you say ANYTHING negative about your ex...even though it is fact, it is usually human nature to rebel and defend those you love,or have loved........you just dont know how that would go, so dont take that chance.
nice gesture to just let the son know you are thinking of him, and are there for him if he wants or needs you.

Savana 54

I think thats a great idea texting him!! He's lucky to have someone like you, that cares about him.

minnie

Ha! I calmly come here and get ideas from you guys! I've done it and now that's another monkey off my back. Only another 249 to go and I can start walking a bit more upright.

Thank you for all your support. You are all the best.

Love

Minnie
xxx