thrashej

After a dysfunctional upbringing with an alcoholic parent, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no dreams. I have absolutely, positively NO CLUE as to what I want out of life and why I am here. NONE.

Oh..........I've thought about it. Believe me. I have no idea what I want to do with myself or what I would be good at professionally (and I am 29). I have no idea if I want kids or SHOULD ever have kids for that matter. All I know is what I don't want. I don't want to be poor, have a relationship with an A, lose control of my life, stay feeling the way I am now..blah, blah. But, if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, what I was good at..........complete BLANK. I wonder if my childhood has robbed me of the passions that normal people have.

Lately I have been on a career exploration. Well, one of the things the counselors ask you is "what have you always wanted to be since you were very little" (yeah, right). Ok, well, I wanted to be safe in my own bed at night. Yep, that was my big dream. Anything outside of that and I have no memories of what I did as a child. I can't remember ****.

Any of you feel lost like that? And no amount of self reflection seems to be helping???

sloane2468

I feel exactly like that and I am a lot older then you. I am sitting here right now with no clue as to what I want to do Period!! I only know where
I've been and what I've lost on the way. I can't talk to anyone in my family because no one ever wants to talk "truth" so that leaves me here,on this board. It just helps some time to at least get it out, and strangers are some times better than those you know......

escape artist

i had a dream when i was younger, but now i am beginning to wonder if it was just a delusional dream of grandeur. could of been. i am just following the leader of my HP. and i have heard -just pick something!- so i did. now i have to work on setting goals. i believe i can have more than one. anything is better than going back to the way it was. it is tough - it feels like a giant rubberband that i am pulling- hopefully soon enough it will boing me to where i am feeling truly happy. just keep praying for guidance and let the rest go.

DesertEyes

Hi there thrashej,

Yeah, I know that feeling of "floating" with no direction. What I wanted to be as a kid, ever since I can remember, was to be _different_ than my alcoholic parents. I wanted to be the kind of person that did _not_ hurt others.

That wasn't very helpful once I grew up and got out of the house.

Since I am not able to find _positive_ direction in my life as a result of being raised in a "toxic" family I have found it necessary to use _negative_ direction.

For example, I know I don't want to be a bartender. Instead of making a list of what I _want_ in life, which I don't know. I make a list of what I do _not_ want in life. It's a pretty long list, but what's left over is what I want.

I just didn't know that's what I wanted.

Mike

escape artist

a friend of mine told me that i should not focus on what i don't want cause that is what i will conjure up. so i stopped doing that. and it is very hard to think *positive* but therein is where the majic lies.

nocellphone

Wow... My story, right here on SR. And I have no recollection of posting it.

I can sooooooooooooooooo relate, thrash.

My standard answer to "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" has always been, "I dunno. Older???" To say that I've been a bit directionless with regard to career decisiveness is like saying George Carlin is kind of a cynic. Having grown up with alcoholism, I always thought I'd be dead by 25 anyway, so why bother with long-range thinking?

Even though I've been in recovery for some time, this is one issue that I've yet to seriously tackle. I know that fear is what's stopping me: fear of success, fear of failure, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of boxing myself in... fear of growing up. When it comes down to it, the idea of claiming my adulthood does not appeal to me.

I realize that all the above-listed fears have no basis in reality, yet I continue to allow them to drive me. Perhaps it's time I let my Higher Power take over, rather than letting fear be the higher power?

When people tell me I look much younger than I am (I'm 36. If I shave my goatee, they won't let me into the movies by myself...), I tell them "I attribute my youthful appearance to Emotional Growth-Stunting!" They laugh... but I know it's the truth. I spent ten years thinking and feeling I was 17, which (not) coincidentally was the age at which I first picked up my drug-of-choice---a beautiful young lady who was an adult (well, adolescent at the time) child of alcoholics... just like I am! I hear that we attract what we are, and that like attracts like.

Today I still don't feel 36, but I'm at least somewhere in my mid-20s. Hey, recovery works!

Now that I think of it, I have made some inroads into the whole "career" thing. For a while, I added the following to my prayers: "Higher Power, today I am willing to hear what it is you would have me do as a profession". I wonder where that went...? Guess I must've been motivated or something.

Thanks for giving me something to think about!!!

chess

Me too

That's me you're talking about, innit?

Just yesterday I was shopping for some summer wear and while looking at myself in the mirror wearing a baseball cap I realized that I'm still dressed as 20 year old. That got to me.

Later,

Chess

escape artist

not to go off-topic but this is very interesting as i felt i wouldn't live past the age of 21. and i have heard others make the same comment-young college practicing alkies who evidently grew up with alcoholism as well- i was just wondering what the reason is that lots of ACOA's would think like this?

detox_nurse

Sounds like alittle depression to me. I know that for me recovery has given me a purpose. Sometimes I don't have to know where I'm going, I just trust that all will be well.

nocellphone

Welcome, detox nurse! Guess I won't need to ask what you do for a living...

Oddly enough, this is the first time I've shared that and had someone relate to the feeling!

Yeah, I didn't actually feel like I would die or kill myself (though that option loomed large in my mind many a time) by 25. It was more like a feeling that life would just somehow... stop, or simply fade away...

I guess that's a side effect of living with the disease of alcoholism, a distortion of thinking. For a while after hitting 25, I felt as if I was living in some sort of overtime period. When I started attending Al-Anon Adult Child Focus meetings, the closing said, in part, "We have survived against impossible odds until today. With the help of our Higher Power and our fellows, we will survive the next twenty-four hours. We are no longer alone!" That really got to me...

I'd certainly like to hear other's viewpoints on this sub-topic!

Katchus

There are some really great books out there but I've found that the posts on this site go beyond paper and ink because there are so many of you giving "real life" input.

I just wanted to say "thank you" for giving so freely of yourselves with your personal experiences, advice and continued support by responding to the posts.

It never ceases to amaze me on the depths the human spirit will take to help those (me included) in need.

Kat-

thrashej

Good to know I am not alone. Of course, that feeling of having something in common with someone else apparantly only seems to occur in cyber world for me!

I found this poem on the internet (from www.fadetoself.com) and it very accurately describes my current mental state. Mentally, I am declining lately due I guess to not seeking help and having no resources for support. In addition, I just entered nursing school (first week, ahhh!) and wonder if I will even make it thru considering. Makes me wonder what the he%$ I was thinking! Anyway, here's the poem...


On the outside
I look fine
I seem fine
I feel pretty good
I have a positive attitude...

Inside, alone, I carry dark and heavy thoughts--
repressing memories of abuse
fleeting thoughts of suicide.
Words cannot convey,
the feelings, the pain

I ignore them--
for a while, perhaps--
a long while, all day, many days--
figure it will go away -- ignore
It's automatically not even recognized mentally.

Forcing myself day to day, week to week,
contact with people and life
My sorrow hidden,
My anguish contained

I push forward;
I feel like dying.
I tell no one.
I carry my feelings alone

nocellphone

Can you get out to some Al-Anon meetings? You'll find oodles of commonality there...

Bers

Reading this post was like a wakeup call for me. I feel the exact same way. I'm 27 years old, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I either feel that I'm not worthy of doing anything good for myself, or that I'll never be able to succeed. It's nothing but sheer terror that keeps me from trying something new. I want to go back to school, but I don't. Why? Too scared. Scared of what? Everything - failure, rejection, success??

All my life I've thought I would have children, but every year there's a new reason not to. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we're still not married (can you say "fear of commitment"?). We both always said we wanted children, so why don't we have any? I always convince myself (and him) that now isn't the right time, as if there is ever a "right" time to have children. I think deep down it's a fear that I will do something horrible to a little child, the way horrible things have been done to me. It's a recurring theme in my life - I don't know what to do so I don't do anything at all.

thrashej

Hey Bers!
You will make it thru! Try school, you have nothing to fear! We are our own wost enemies.
That said, I had an emotionally breakdown after first week of nursing school but something good came of it. I make an appt with a therapist who recommended that I seek medication. She said that honestly, due to what I have been experiencing and even more so to my family history. So, I am going to see her once per week for "talk therapy" and have an appt for a psych to see if meds will help me for a while and/or if they are even necessary. It made me feel better though that the therapist told me she thought I needed them. I did not want to go to a psych and have he/she throw meds at me if I did not need them. The therapist thinks they will benefit me greatly.

So, thinks are looking better for now. I can't wait to see the psych. I am trying to keep my head above water for now in school. I told my husband that I am going to write positive affirmations on my white walls with black sharpie. Hey, anything that works!

JT

I can identify with this thread so much. But do you know what? I just turned 53 and I am in a place I never thought I would be. From where I came people just don't get to where I am. I am in a lovely home decorated by me for me. I am an administrative professional in an office full of people I can call friends and the grandmother of the world's most charming 7 year old.

Because of recovery I learned to remain open. Because of recovery I refused to remain with people, in places or surrounded by things that didn't feel right. So I simply moved from day to day turning corners and now here I am. Because of recovery I learned to be grateful for what I had which allowed me to dream a little more. In Al Anon I learned to not force solutions for other people but that bled over into not forcing solutions for myself.

Now I am a believer that we aren't intended to know what we will be when we grow up. By remaining open to the plan we will end up exactly where we are intended to be.

JT

virgo_baby

Watch out.. newbie! :shysmile:

I went to my first al-anon meeting last week. I'm nearly 29. Until then, I had nothing. No hopes, dreams, goals, nothing. I haven't held onto a job for longer than 8 months, and I depend on my mom financially and emotionally. But emotionally didn't exist. I spent my life trying to fix her, make her life easier. I had no idea how much damage I was doing to myself.

I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm very grateful my feelings of guilt are gone for neglecting her, and trying to figure myself out. I just plan on trying a bunch of things and figuring out what it is I like and don't like.

I'm so glad to have discovered al-anon, and this board looks like a great place.

bb143

I hit rock bottom a few months ago to the point of feeling suicidal. I felt the same as most of you felt...without direction, not knowing what to do or where to go. Hating my life and hating myself for not being....ummm...I guess for not being anyone else but me. I thought everyone else was so much more successful than me, which made them better than me, more desirable than me.

From that point on I decided that I couldn't continue beating myself up. I accepted who I was and started on a path to loving myself for who I am...not for who I want to be. That acceptance has changed my life. And I realize now that (as far as my career is concerned) I'm actually doing what I always set out to do, and I'm doing it well and making a decent living. I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud at how far I have come in life. It's nice to finally say that. I was so consumed with the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I was blind to my accomplisments.

Anyway...I THINK that my story applies to this thread....not positive.

mushroom

Hey that's a very important start. Too many people don't even get that far and end up in violent relationships they can't get out of.

I had no dreams or plans for the future as a child. Just to survive to adulthood. That was my only dream. Did achieve it at least! Friends are surprised that I had no dreams and my parents never pushed me towards anything. Only thing my parents prepared me to be was a battered housewife and it took everything I had in me to avoid that fate. You'll come up with something, don't worry. I try not to compare myself with what my friends and peers have achieved - it would be too depressing - but they didn't have to start from as far back as I did. So the little I have, is more than I might have had. I'm 45 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I'm doing something anyway. Just completed a degree and have temporary work and looking for something permanent now, working with a bunch of 20 yr olds. That's depressing but it can be kinda fun too, and the supervisors are all my age and they like me and are supportive. When I get tired of that I'll do something else. Much more important to have personal passions that carry you through whatever. And to accept who you are, limitations and all. Everyone is handicapped in some way. Me by my terrible upbringing. Others by a motorcycle accident. Still others by having had everything handed to them. Just do what you can with what you have.

I am VERY proud that I avoided ever being a battered housewife. Huge accomplishment, and enough by itself considering. My cousin, with a similarly traumatic background to mine, once decided that she would never ever be on welfare again and she went on to become an engineer and has a great husband and career. But that one goal was what put it all in motion. Without that one goal she never would have achieved anything. Your goal to not be poor and to be safe in your own bed is a great start.