Girlfriend

He's FINALLY going into rehab tomorrow. After slicing his wrists (which weren't deep enough to leave scars) over 2 weeks ago, he stayed in the psych ward for about 4 days.

Then, this rehab didn't have a bed for him, so he had to wait until one was available. One is.........YAY!

He stayed sometimes with his parents during the interim. "Couldn't stand" it there, so he went back to his apartment. And, of course, drank while he was there.

My bday was a week ago and he SO wanted to take me out to dinner and have thee perfect date for me. He asked me several times and I thought "well, if he's staying with his parents, he won't be drinking".

WRONG! I could smell alcohol on his breath on our "date" on my bday. When I asked him about it, he got angry.....started acting weirdly aggressive and then ignored it. He never denied it, so I know he did. After being with some one for so long, you recognize the signs of the drinking for that person quickly.

The only way he can keep his job of 25 years is to go into rehab. If he doesn't go or walks out of rehab (he's on probation for another alcohol related incident), he's going to jail for atleast 9 months.

He volunteers at a museum where there is old airplanes. He always wanted to be a pilot in the military, but never made it because of his knee injury's in high school. He had a chance to fly one of the old airplanes this last Monday and did. He acted like he never just tried to commit suicide, has to go to rehab to stay out of jail/keep his job and he just acted like he was on a vacation. I KNEW and had a feeling that he would do anything to get out of rehab.

So, that was it for me. (again, but this time for sure). He didn't tell his ex that he won't and can't pay child support and his job thought he was in rehab or seriously working on it. I contacted his work and told them what he was doing, they called him all that day to ask him if he indeed was flying airplanes. I told his ex wife that he won't be paying child support because when the support stops and she isn't getting it.....she's gonna wanna know why and wouldn't of been able to find out where he is because his family and she do not get along. That may not have been my place to do that, but here is a guy that has been lying and covering up his drinking and telling everybody that life is good and it isn't. His parents enable him to the max.

They don't even know what alcoholism is and do NOT want to go to an Al-anon meeting. Because, then THEY'D have to take a look at themselves and that scares them. There is so many secrets kept in an alcoholic family and it effects them all. His sister tries, but she gives up and before I started helping him 10 months ago to get help in several different areas......they just let him sit at home and drink himself to death. They just ignored it all and pretended like it wasn't there. Family denial.

So, NOW........he texts me on my cell ALL day yesterday saying that "everytime I look at my scar on my arm, I'll think of you. My family can't stand you.......stay away from them and my work. My own mother called you a "B****" (when just months ago I was an "Angel" for helping him go to meetings, counselors, doctors and church.........etc.). I don't have a need to contact his work anymore OR his family. I did that so that he would HAVE to go to rehab. It worked, so I'm not sorry I did it.

He's imploding right now and very angry, blaming me for the sliced wrists and telling me that his counselor says I'm "bad" and that his family can't stand me. He wants to blame all of it on me. He has done that with his past ex's. It's always everybody else's fault but his. And now his family doesn't want to have anything to do with me? I'm sorry, but,........to HECK with them. I'm gonna pat myself on the back and say that I'm the only one that knew he was an alcoholic and that desperately needed help. So, I helped him for 10 months and now.......it's all my "fault."

AFter all the venomous texts yesterday to me..........he finally gives up on being mean and sends one that asks me "Do you still love me? Tell me the truth".

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? The guy has lied to me for 10 months, stepped on me while trying to get help, coming to my house in the middle of the night to "give" me back the little gifts I've given him over the last months, slices his wrists for attention (if he really wanted to commit suicide, he would of. He called both me and his brother-in-law before he cut himself and told us he was gonna do it. So, we called the police right away), blows off his responsibility of getting into a rehab asap after 4 days in the psych ward and now is telling his family crap about me.

NO! I don't love him anymore. He's sick and has a disease and needs to take care of it. I drank for 10 years and 11 years ago, I quit, for my kids' sake. And, my faith got me through it. Never want to go back to that ever again and he doesn't love anyone enough, especially himself, to stop drinking. As long as that continues, he can't "love" anybody.

Sorry for venting, but I let this "man" do this to me and I'm not taking it anymore. I'm GLAD he's going to rehab. Maybe he can find a girl in there that he can use up. I'm not gonna be that doormat anymore.


WHEW! I'm done.

ASpouse

The simplest easiest way to have done this was to just leave him and forget about it. You had no right calling his work or his ex wife or wives. You were wrong on that count, especially when you had no vested interest except being the girlfriend. If you think you are going to get a big "Thank you so much for your help and trouble" forget it, right now you look like the bad guy and unfortunately always will be. I'm not sure about your statement about Al Anon, but Al Anon is for partners of Alcoholics, to help them live their own lives and not involv/immerse themselves in the disease of their significant others, which you did for 10 months and got nowhere right?

You were trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable. If he died from drinking, well then he died, if he died from attempted suicide, well then so be it.

It would have been much simpler if you just broke up with him without trying to "save" him from himself. The only person who can save an alcoholic is the alcoholic, no one else, not even the person with the best of intentions, you in this case.

Girlfriend

THat's easier said than done, ASpouse. You were pretty harsh and judgemental there.

You don't know the stuff I went through except for what was typed in here. He was pulling the wool over everybody's eyes and getting away with it for years.

Let him drink himself to death? I don't think so. Let him commit suicide? I don't think so. Maybe you can close your eyes to that, but I can't.

This way he HAD to go to rehab. He may hate me now,......but IF he gets sober.....he may even be grateful it happened that way.

I'm not looking for that gratitude, just for him to get sober. I'm not feeling like the "bad guy".

minnie

You don't have that power, hon. HE is the one who makes those decisions. That's what ASpouse was saying, I think, in her own special way.

Rehab is only the first step in a very long journey. If he is forced into it, I would bet my house on it not making any difference.

That was a pretty long post you wrote about him and his family there. What about you?

ASpouse

Girlfriend, no harshness intended. Turn a deaf ear, pretend I don't see .... my friend I did that for more than 20 years and married the same guy with the same problem twice all because I thought I could do what you've been doing for 10 months only I did it for 20 years ... so yes dear, I've been there and done that many many many times over.

Rehab only detoxes them ... it's no miracle. My husband was homeless living on the streets for a few years, still drinking, still manipulating, still stealing. He finally served 5 1/2 years in jail, a hard core jail here in New Jersey. Believe it or not, he even drank booze in jail.

Lost jobs? My God, there are too many to count. The Phone Company, Home Depot as a store manager and many jobs in between. Why? Because of drinking and stealing and feeling a "perceived" pressure that he had to perform some outlandish thing.

This is the first time in 35 years that he has completely recovered and still recovering. So if I am being harsh then so be it, but believe me my friend, I've been where you are and if you continue on this road there is nowhere for you to go but down trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. The decision is his, not yours to make.

Thank you Minnie, I'm glad you understand where I was coming from.

It's not your decision to make about whether he lives or dies, it's between him and God and it's a personal thing.

ASpouse

Minnie, I'll take that bet ........ how many bedrooms? :-)

Girlfriend

Thanks, Minnie!

Me? I'm angry! He scared the crap outta me when he tried to commit suicide. I called 911. He had already cut himself and was bleeding in the tub.

He'd come to my house, he'd call constantly from his work when I'd tell him not to. He'd yell at me one minute and treat me like crap and then the next,.....try to make up.

And, I'm writing this in tears because I'M SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THE "BAD GUY" HERE?

That's not fair. I did everything I could to try and help him stop. I know I don't have that power to make him quit, but darnit, I was gonna keep trying and not give up.I LOVED THIS MAN! I've known him for 30 years since we were kids in school. He wasn't always a drunk. I just wanted to see that person back.

Nobody ever took the time with him to try and help. His family would of let him drink himself to death. They closed their eyes to it. His parents didn't even know that he drank a 750 of vodka a day. He kept so many secrets from so many people and that's how he got to continue to drink.

His ex wife knows he lies. She knows what he's like and I just emailed her and told her that she may not get child support cuz he may go in jail if he doesn't quit drinking. She thanked me for that information. I WOULD OF WANTED TO KNOW if I was about to not get 9 months of child support or more and not know who to contact to find out where he was.

His job needed to know that I had asked him not to call me anymore and he still did repeatedlly from their phone. He had to stop. I couldn't get a restraining order on him "until he did something" to me. I was scared to death of him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These things I did because I wanted him to have to go into rehab. Or else, he's going to jail. Or killing himself. Once he's in rehab,.......if he walks out, that's on him. I have no control over that. I have no control over anything, but I felt I had to do something to get him in there. He blew a 2.39 the night he tried to commit suicide. He knew what he was going to do that night. He did it because he said "I can't live without you". I had told him previously that day to stop calling me and that I was through with him.

So, I'm the bad guy for trying to get him into rehab the only ways I knew how on my own cuz nobody else would help me?

He may not get sober. I'm praying that he does. I just wanted him in rehab before he got thrown in jail, hurt himself and/or hurt me.

I'm angry, scared and hurt.

That's it.

minnie

I hear you, sweetie. And I'm sure every one of us here has done many or all of the things you have done out of love. The thing is, why are we all here if we could change things? You aren't the bad guy. However, I will say that you might be banging your head against a brick wall. Or not. You'll find out soon enough which it is.

Has he ever taken the time to help himself? My ex would get anyone and everyone to help him, but never put the effort in himself. He has a continuous history of women who tried and failed. I'm just another on that list.

We had couples counselling before I left and I continued on my own after I had made the decision to split up. My counsellor made sure that we spoke out the possibility of his suicide and that it would never be my fault. Ever. Not matter what he said. And that is the truth - you see, I don't have that much power. His demons would have the power.

That doesn't quite make sense to me. You know you don't have the power, but you're going to try anyway. Forgive me, hon, but that sounds like insanity to me.

I say all this with all the love and compassion in my heart. I've been there, and so have many others. Do what you need to do and we're here for you in your journey.

Love

Minnie
xxx

ASpouse

You're not the bad guy ...... you're making it too easy for him. He has to hit bottom and even rehab or jail might not be his bottom.

Tell me, what did you expect his parents and family to do? So what that his ex wife wouldn't get child support, again that is HIS problem, not yours that you so willingly took on.

He tried to kill himself because you told him not to call you? He had to drink until he was so plastered to try to kill himself? I guess it's true what they say about A's, they truly are gutless wonders, they never cease to amaze me.

Girlfriend

With his parents.........wake up to the fact that he's an alcoholic even after he himself broke down one night in front of them and told them so. They still choose not to look at it. That's what I expected from them, but .....you're right. I'm not them.

With the ex wife.....I know his girls and all 3 are sweethearts. My problem is that I care too much for other people and don't want to see them hurt. In my own way, I was thinking that in the long run, I was helping her by telling her where he would be cuz nobody else would of.

I've got to stop taking on the world's problems and being a "savior" cuz I'm not and Minnie....you're right....it does pull you down into insanity.

Thank you! ((((hugs))))

ASpouse

Yes it does pull you into insanity and the sad part is that that insanity starts to feel like sanity after awhile. Now that is someplace I've been and truly never want to go back.

I understand the way you feel about the kids, but again, their father is an alcoholic and it is something they need to know someday when the time is right.

ASpouse

Girlfriend, I have a question about something that is bothering me about your last post. First, please do not misconstrue as I am constantly learning about Co dependent behavior. OK, now that this is cleared up, let me ask you,

How do you know they didn't look at it? How do you know that it isn't hurting them as much as it is you? Is it because they didn't do what you have done, force the issue to go to rehab? Force them to look at their son's shortcomings? To feel some responsibility at what is going on? What it sounds like you see from is parents is denial. We all suffer from denial, even you. You strongly believe that if he goes to rehab he is well on his way to recovery, that in and of itself is a form of denial.

The responsibility for one becoming an alcoholic lies solely with the alcoholic alone. No one is to blame, no one is responsible for his addiction and disease but himself and on the flip side of that coin, no one can help him recover except other alcoholics who have been where he is.

FriendofBill

Too true, Aspouse,,,youve said it very well.

Girlfriend

Only because of what the sister has told me about how for years, they've (the parents) told him "just stop drinking!" and not realizing that it's not that easy for an alcoholic to do. They even admitted they don't know what alcoholism is, but when asked to go to a Al-anon meeting, they don't wanna go. Yeah, it scares the mom to see her son in the psychiatric ward after cutting his arms and saying "I never thought I'd ever see my son in a psychiatric ward", but yet doesn't want to look into why he got there.

One thing to clarify, I'm not "forcing" him to go into rehab. In order to keep his job, he needs to go. His job knew he had alcohol problems way before I complained to them that he was harrassing me with phone calls from his work. THat's the decision they came up with and told him to do.

Since he blew a 2.39 BAC on the night he slit his wrists, his probation officer told him that he has to go to rehab and if he leaves, she'll have a warrant out for his arrest and he's going to jail for atleast 9 months on a 18 month suspended jail sentence.

Today, after reading the posts, I realize I am in denial. Because, I was thinking that surely "OH GOOD! He's gonna get the help he needs and he'll be sober" by going into rehab. But, unfortunately, if he doesn't want to get sober, rehab will just "detoxify" him.

I'm praying that he DOES get sober for his own sake not mine because our relationship is over and I don't care to resume it. And, he always said to me "I'm gonna go to rehab and come out sober and then you and I can build our lives together" and I would tell him "no. Just going to 30 days of rehab isn't gonna take care of it. You'll need to work on that same focus when you get out and really shouldn't be in a relationship for atleast a year afterwards or more because that could take the focus off of your sobriety".

Living like this for the last 10 months has been hell on me even if I was trying to be his "savior". I just know what alcohol can do to you since I was a drinker for 10 years and how low it can take you and I wanted to help him. It started out platonic and then I developed deeper feelings for him. I made a mistake there. If I had been just an old friend from school wanting to help another friend try to get sober by telling him how I did it and introducing him to other things .........that would of been okay, whether or not he chose to stop drinking. But, I got more deeper than that and wanted him to be sober SO badly for himself and for "us".

I realized a few months back that that will never happen.

Thanks ASpouse. It sounds like you have been pretty hurt by your (ex?) AH and I'm sorry for that. 20 years is a long time to have to go through that. I put in 10 months......I would of gone plumb crazy after 20 years. You're a strong woman. Sometimes we do not-so-smart things for the ones we love,huh? The last thing I wanna do is become bitter in life because of what an ex AB chose to or not to do with his. Life's too short and I'm gonna move on and enjoy mine.

Thanks to all of you!

meli2005

Please remember, he may not mean a lot of what he is saying. Alcoholism causes total insanity. Seen it a few times in my AH. It hurts even though you know it's the alcohol talking still.


I hope the rehab works for him. If I were you, I would have left it up to him to contact his work and his ex-wife re: child support.

He really needs to go into rehab for himself and not to keep a job or a relationship, or stay out of jail. He has to do it for him and him only.

My AH left rehab twice early, it was so heartbreaking. Right now he is in an outpatient rehab program and attending AA meetings nightly on the nights he doesn't have outpatient rehab meetings. I am seeing more improvement in him doing this program than in the inpt. rehab.

But rehab does increase your knowledge. Realize that rehab is just the beginning of a lifelong fight against alcoholism. There may be relapses after this.

I hope things start to clear up for you.

Alcoholism can turn life into pure chaos.

Girlfriend

He would of never of done it. Some people agree with it......other's don't. If he's calling me from his work and harassing me, you bet I'm gonna call his work and tell them. And after that........his boss contacted ME on how to get a hold of him.
I've already explained the ex wife thing and why I did that.I've got to know in my heart why I did it and feel good/bad about that and I know why I did it. I did it so that he would get off of my back and leave me alone. I told him many times that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, he would not leave me alone.I wanted to show him I meant business and I did and he's off my back now.

I can live with that. I'm feeling like I'm being judged here on that issue and that's not helping me.

But, thanks anyways

CodeMaster

Girlfriend, whatever happens dont blame yourself. Its typical for alcoholics even after sobering up or before to blame the world!!! They'll resent anybody near them and do what it takes to hurt them even if you fall to your knees they'll still kick you to the ground.

We are all not perfect, but something sick about alcoholics blame is sickly unreasonable...

And I promise you, destiny is watching you and will lift you up from the grounds as it did for me.

Loves always

minnie

Hon, where in that sentence is your name?

To be honest, I would say that he is more likely to hit his bottom without a job. So, you might have just stopped him reaching the point where he will really get into recovery, rather than just rehab.

I have done the same. When I first started seeing my ex A fiance, he was living in a rented house, his ex wife had cleaned him out of furniture, he was a month away from being kicked out by the landlord and he had no money and was buying booze on almost maxed out credit cards. Bear in mind that this guy is a middle-class professional and this was really hurting his pride. Well, along I came, heard the sob story, bailed him out and started the worst 3 years of my life. I don't really do "what ifs" anymore, except for this one. What if I had not got involved instead of rescuing him?

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

FriendofBill

If she doesnt see, Minnie, I surely see!

Thanks for yet another reminder........

ASpouse

I'm sorry I'm not judging you at all ...... believe me I am no one to judge anyone, I only answer to myself now. All I wanted to do was point out some things you are doing. You are trying to justify your actions concerning an alcoholic. If alcoholics were "normal" and took responsbility and control for their lives you wouldn't need to feel you need to justify your actions ..... it's like a whirlpool that sucks you in, with the enabler holding on for dear life not to get sucked in. It's a vicious horrid cycle of abuse, manipulation and game playing. If you feel good about what you did to get him in rehab, speak to his ex wife, save his job, save him from jail etc, then great, just don't be surprised when it doesn't pan out the way you expected, because like Minnie, I'd bet my last buck this isn't the end of this problem.

Yes, I am still with my AH ..... we still have some issues, trust issues and so on, but we work on them and I'll tell you what, it's damn hard and it would be so easy for me to just run away, but I don't because I'm committed as is he.