Savana 54

Maybe it's just that I'm having a terrible day, but it seems that Al-Anon might not be for me. I don't know if I'm getting much out of it, I mean it's not like I can go and speak freely about my life and feelings. Everyone says Al-Anoners are like a family, but how come I don't feel like part of that family?

I love it here, but I think it's unfair that possibly my xabf may be reading my posts. I just want a safe place to come to, to talk about things, and now I feel upset that he has used this place as grounds for spying and checking on my life, only to make sure last week his things were given back to him. I know him enough to know that he wouldn't have contacted me that quickly to pick up his belongings if it weren't for the fact that he *read* on here that I was moving, when I announced it on a very positive post.

And yesterday, after much courage to come out with what had happened reguarding my son, I thought more people would have sent out prayers, especially for my innocent child!!Many thanks to those of you that did, you are to kind! What I went through was a huge, ordeal/nightmare, and to post about it on here wasn't easy, but I felt I wanted to express it, as I was ready to open up about that part of my life. Most people on here have their children and don't know how blessed they actually are. What I would give to just see his angelic face for a minute. Sometimes I feel as though he is dead; sometimes I think if he were taking from me and I had to choose, knowing that he was with God would be a lot easier, then knowing he is with an abuser, attending a very cultish Church, and having to be ripped literally from me.

I don't know, maybe I need a break from here.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

JessicaNAJ

Savanah.....I just read your post regarding your son. My heart just sank. You have incredible strength. When the time is right, you will find each other again. I believe that from the bottom of my heart.

I apologize for not seeing it sooner. I don't get on much at night and, well, today I just got busted at work so I won't be getting on during the day anymore either.

I'm also sorry that you feel as if your space has been invaded by your ex reading here. Maybe try a different screen name?


Jessica

newmie

Why don't you change your screen name on here and then you can continue to post and your ABF would not be able to check on you?? I think I've seen that suggested for other people in the past.

jordan1980

(((((Savanah,)))))

I am sorry for the way that you are feeling right now. I can't even imagine not being able to see my kids, it would break my heart. As I am sure it is breaking yours. I think that newmie has a great idea about the whole changing your screen name think. Also when you input your location just put a totally different place.
I know that you are feeling down right now, but things always have a way of working themselfs out. It may not seem like it now but it will get better.

sunshinebluesky

i too, am so sorry that i didnt read your post yesterday. last night was the first night that i really tried to stay away from the computer in general,as part of my own recovery.
please dont take it personally. i think many of us on here, when we look at the thread titles look for things we can identify with at that moment. other times, i think we just dont know quite what to say to comfort someone.
i think you are just having a depressed day. where you feel so all alone, and no one can possibly understand what you are feeling. you want someone to do SOMETHING, but you dont even know WHAT.
I think that the court system in trying to balance the scales with all this custody/support/etc stuff definately makes alot of mistakes. i cant imagine the emotions and thoughts that you deal with every day.but i truly believe,as was said-that some day,one day, you will be re-united with your son. kids are not stupid, they are just caught in the middle. and when he comes of age, i am sure he will seek you out. until then, i will say a prayer that he is well taken care of and has the strength you have, to own his own feelings and hang on them for when the time is right.

FormerDoormat

Hi Savannah, I read your post late last night and all of the information on the links, too. And I was astounded. Why? Because you are not alone. My brother is going through the exact same situation as you are. He has not seen his son in 2 years. I won't go into any more details here because I'm not sure he'd want me to do that.

I wanted to respond last night, but it got very late and I wanted to think about the best way to share my brother's story.

I've seen the incredible pain that this causes my brother every day. I can't imagine how I'd cope if the same thing had happened to me. My heart breaks for you. Sending out prayers for you and your little boy. Please know that we're always here for you, even if it takes us a little while to respond. Sometimes a post brings such a flood of emotions that you almost want to run away from it rather than respond for fear that the pain you've been trying to overcome will resurface.

Your family hasn't abandoned you. We're here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on.

FD

nocellphone

It may take time, or it may not be for you. I'm not sure why you feel you can't speak freely in the rooms. It's practically the only place I can!

cloudy

oh ((Savannah)) I too am sorry about missing that heartfelt, important post. You have been through a lot and you are still so full of goodness and love and absolutely please do know you are cared about and having best wishes and prayers sent to your son and you. I am GLAD you expressed your thought and feelings on everything just now :- ) Alanon...do you mean because during the meetings it is about a topic and not more personal talk? For that, well what I do anyway is I go in about an hour early and also stay after a bit. And then it's open ground! As for the privacy invasion, yes perhaps change your screen name and maybe you could do a giant pm to let everyone know what the new one is? Don't know if the moderators know a way to just enter everyone, or however that would work? Anyway ((GIANT HUG)), I hope you'll stay :- )
love cloudy

Aquiana

((((Savana))))

I'm sorry I didn't respond to the first thread either. All the confusion over here lately has left me rather distracted to say the least. It's absolutely brutal what's happened with you and your son. So unfair I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. It seems like such a compassion-free system.

You have many friends here and many ears. I'm sorry mine was late on arrival.

cwohio

(((savanah))) - please don't feel that we don't care. i was just thinking last night about how miniscule my situation is to those of you that are dealing with pregnancies, children (or lack of), debt, etc. i can't even imagine how it must feel for you as i don't have children myself but you must be devastated. i will pray that your son is ok and you will be reunited. please accept my heartfelt apologies for not posting sooner!

hugs - chris

pmaslan

(((Savanah))) I read you post yesterday and it broke my heart, I know how hard it must have been for you to tell everyone here what you have been through. You have been doing so incredibly well lately, I know missing your son's birthday was very hard on you yesterday and put you into a downward mode. Keep your faith and know that you will see your son soon....prayers going out to you and your son.
Love, Patty

sunshinebluesky

changing your name and or location is not gonna make any difference in him with reading on here. by your thoughts,he will know it is you. so who cares???? WE DO!!!
i would go on writing what i feel, just dont divulge anything personal you dont want him to know. i gave my ex a link to something i had written when i first started having my crisis(!), hoping he would be interested enough to read my thoughts and feelings. to read and maybe finally comprehend my feelings on alot of things. i didnt care if he got his feelings hurt, maybe it would have made something snap.

cloudy

GOOD point!

gelfling

Dearest Savanna,

Just grabbed a moment and read your two posts. Foremost, your son will never forget what you did for him. He's still a minor. Give him time. He hasn't forgotten about you and never will. We went through a situation where we lot custody to a really pi$$ poor excuse of a human being. Years later, the daughter came back and started asking questions. We didn't mince words. Straight from the hip as they say. She had just turned 20 and it was time she knew the truth (or as we called it, our side) and she totally agreed that she wished she could have stayed with us.

Please look up other alanon meetings. Also, please consider therapy. These two working hand in hand have been a life saver for me. I had given up years ago and feel that I lost so much of my life walking around feeling there was nothing out there to help me.

Give it another chance and you've absolutely, postively and definitely have to stay here with us. We all love you!!!

Savana 54

Thank you truly for all your heart felt replies!

I feel like such a baby for my post. I've just been down and missing my Mom and son. Wondering why the two most important people in my life were taken from me...?

You all are so sweet and to kind for words to describe....

(((((((((everyone))))))))))

Oh and SB is right about changing my SN; he would only know it was me from what I post about. Jackass

reikihelps

((((((((((((savana)))))))))))))))

Can you attend a meeting? Your bf can't spy on you there!
It's a bad day and you're in a bad place. It will pass. I, too, was spied on here. I know what you mean. It's a crummy feeling. It's also still your right to share.
I hope tomorrow is better.
a prayer for you,
reikihelps