its me,not him

Old 06-26-2005, 09:21 AM
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its me,not him

i have realized in these past few weeks that my issues are about ME,not him. the problem is i have absolutely no idea what to do about them.
i found myself not wanting to be with him because one--i knew in my heart he really had no big desires for me or us.......i found him,and being with him boring...........i did not agree with his lifestyle choices.......blah blah blah yada yada yada..........i have realized that i am so upset and depressed because it comes back to me, and my whole life.
realizing i was used,settled for, for the past two and a half years of my precious life. i cant honestly say he used me for sex.....or money......but still i was used.......and it seems i have been by men my whole life.
and then by other people too.
ive always had major issues with my looks. and i dont care what anyone says but i truly feel in this world, you get treated differently according to your looks.
i have tried to evaluate myself. what do i do,or say or what, that makes me such a loner. i try to be supportive, im a great listener, im a loyal person and trustworthy. but i have always felt like a square peg in a round hole. i hate the little clique type group friendships, i dont like to gossip, i dont like shopping, and cant afford alot of things, i dont like being around people at times when they are high or drunk, yet some people i meet seem just way too conservative for me......i just dont fit anywhere.
i know people who truly dont care if they have a relationship or not. i wish i could be one of them. im not. but i always wanted one filled with mutual desire, respect, love,caring,support, and have never found that.
now i am at the what do they call that...the "twilight" of my life (?) and i am so sad that i still have not found where i fit, or who i fit with.
im scared of what lies ahead. i cant go thru this again. and in trying to just get on with life, nothing is filling the void. i know i have been here before, and got thru it, and much worse. i know i have lots to be thankful for. but it is a constant effort to validate my self.
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Old 06-26-2005, 09:58 AM
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((((sunshinebluesky))))

Everyone "fits in" somewhere. We know you have some marvelous qualities, you listed some yourself
im a great listener, im a loyal person and trustworthy...i dont like to gossip
and you express yourself in ways that for many of us takes our breath away i.e. 12 ozs of gold. You certainly "fit in" here. But I do understand you want some contentment and connection in your real life.

You mentioned your looks. Many of us have "issues" with our looks. Some things we just simply can't change. I can't be taller no matter how much I'd want that. My skin is always going to reflect my Irish heritage, this white with freckles is just me. But some things I can change. I can lose and gain weight. (have a closet of various sized clothes to prove it hahaha). I can improve my tone (more or less excersize), my nails-grow 'em or cut 'em, paint 'em or leave them au natural....the list is endless. What's important, at least to me, is that I make changes to please me and no one else.

Have you considered joining a club or a class in something you're passionate about? It's a nice way to meet others with similar interests, you "fit in" from the start because everyone in the group has a mutual interest.

"twilight" of my life
Are you in your 90's? I've been on this earth for more than fifty years...yet I have no perception that twilight is near so I'm curious how you define "twilight".
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Old 06-26-2005, 10:12 AM
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I feel the same. I feel used after all these years with him, but I think I would with any man. The more I think about it. I am a loner, but do not want to be. I also feel the same about not fitting in. I do not like drunks and bars, and parties, but then when I am around people that I go to church with and things like that then they seem to conservative, yet I am a real far right wing conservative. I have the right wing belief system, but not so stuffy in the way I talk or act, but yet, not loose or vulgar. My clothes do not fit in anywhere. I do not like dressing up, but will if I go somewhere like church, but I do not like wearing revealing clothes or sloppy clothes, but yet blue jeans and tee shirts are not sloppy to me. LOL I feel I am too old to go through this again. I wish I had somebody to talk to that was just like me. The AH is like me when he does not drink, but then now I wonder if he only pretends and just says things to please me and he is playing a game because if he really thought like I did then HE WOULD KNOW HE WAS A PUNK!!!!!!! I also agree about looks. I feel AH does not give me the respect I would get if I was younger or if I was in top shape. My goal has been to slim down and muscle up just to see if his attitude would change. I need to do this before this old body will not muscle up anymore. I have turned 50 and I have an attitude now! I am nice and I listen and I like to help people. I do not gossip, but I get walked on and treated worse than a dog and I am convinced it is looks because when I was in my 20's I was very slim and athletic and people treated me different. Losing weight and getting in shape seems like the only solution of beating the AH at his own game. He will never be that interesting to me or say the things I wish he would, but just to get a look of respect or attitude of respect from him would be worth it. Now I know a lot of people are slim and in shape and the AH treats them bad, but just something about this one of mine that makes me feel muscles get respect, STRANGE BUT TRUE!!!
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Old 06-26-2005, 10:22 AM
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You sound a lot like me. I'm a good person but it feels like I'm missing something. I have always been shy and a loner. I know it's hard and the week-ends are too lonely even for me. I'm in my fifties and still don't quite fit, but there are people who care for us and pray for us. It might not be a perfect life, but I'm starting to care about myself and what I need. I have a long way to go. Have heart, being a good person matters a lot more than "fitting" in. Take care of yourself.
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Old 06-26-2005, 11:38 AM
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This is weird. Since yesterday I have been feeling the same way about my life. I feel as though I don't fit in anywhere either. I know there is no real definition of "normal" but I feel "abnormal". I am also a loner and have no close friends. I have friends that I work with but have no desire to socialize outside of work. When I shop I go alone or with my mother. I'm also pi$$ed off at AH because of something he did yesterday and that of course is making me question my entire life and future. I have to make a decision about my career and let my boss know tomorrow what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do. :hairout
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Old 06-26-2005, 11:48 AM
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I don't think there is anything wrong with doing things on your own. I don't have any close friends, but I wouldn't consider myself a loner either. I just haven't found the "right friends" that I want in my life. I'm very outgoing, and tend to attract needy people, whether it be guys or girls.

I guess sometimes I feel like I don't fit in either; but I know in time I just need to let people into my life, as I tend to shut everyone out. I have even been called "stuck up" and concieted because I don't want to befriend certain people. I know what I want, and what I don't want in friends.

((((((((((sunshinebluesky))))))))))
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Old 06-26-2005, 02:30 PM
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Just out of interest, do all you guys go to Al-anon? I have always felt a bit outside of everything and a lot of it had to do with not being able to open myself up enough to bond with people. Since joining al-anon, not only have I made some lovely new friends all over the country, but I have learnt to share safely and that has improved my "non al-anon" friendships enormously.
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Old 06-26-2005, 03:42 PM
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I have never gotten up the nerve to go to a meeting. I know where they are and when but just can't go. I think part of it comes from not wanting my mom to know. She lives in a mother-in-law apartment attached to our garage. If I left on a Tuesday night there would be all kinds of questions. I'm thinking of making up a lie to tell her. She thinks my AH walks on water.
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Old 06-26-2005, 04:39 PM
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This is a bit scary!

You all sound like you're posting excerpts from my life!
1 - In my fifties.
2 - A loner most of my life.
3 - Never *quite* fitted in
4 - Attracted the wrong men
5 - Always had low self esteem
6 - Never happy with my looks

I could go on!
(((Sunshine))) I've been where you are now, and it's a dark and lonely place. It seems like you'll never find what you need. I could tell you that you will come out of it and find yourself (and you will) but right now it seems impossible doesn't it.
You need to take care of you.
I don't know your history but isn't there some-one you can share with who can support you and give you a buck up when you need it?
I don't have any experience of Al-Anon but many here have, and it seems to help them.
You need to take care of your nutrition too, many of our body and minds failings are down to not seeing that we put the right things into it.
Get away from your situation as often as you can; get some exercise, join a gym.Do things for YOU.
You say you don't *fit in* then you need to be with people who value you for who you are. Many people here do just that, you are one of us, we have a common bond. Look for people like us where you live, you will find them.
I could sit here all night saying do this and do that but only you can choose to do something about the way you feel.
I know that when you are feeling low it's very difficult to pick yourself up,
so take baby steps in the right direction and one day you'll find you've gone quite a distance from where you are now.
Look after yourself x
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Old 06-26-2005, 04:58 PM
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Life is like that, I can relate to all you say but one thing I have learned from all of that is the things you are looking for exist in this huge world. When you believe you will find it, and someday you will, then all of a sudden life does not seem like your missing anything. Matter of fact, your searching for that something carefully, not carelessly anymore. I believe in this world, I believe in everything and most of all in myself. From that point on, you stop asking if the world works, but you start exploring and taking your time and finding yourself having the motivation and energy to really adventure and find out just how far this world really goes.... it can go so far beyond your fullest imaginations, as you take your steps you see more light and you'll see what God has placed you here for.

To find out what destiny has in store for you, you believe it has something pretty amazing, so take your time, go out, enjoy life, and go live life to the fullest! Because its too short to be down, life is short, times a passing by quickly.

I believe you will find your destiny.

Cheers.
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Old 06-26-2005, 06:29 PM
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Sunshinebluesky - your post( 12 Ounces of Gold) was the catalyst that helped me step out of the shadows and into this forum. Know that you have made an impact on MY life. As I have gotten older, I have learned that it truly is not how you look on the outside, but rather, the measure of your self inside. In my humble opinion, you are beautiful. Thank you for what you did for me. Hang in there...
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Old 06-26-2005, 07:26 PM
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i truly wish i had all you people here at an alanon meeting!!! minnie,i have looked into it,and there are none in this area in the evenings. the others....it is comforting just to know that i am not the only person in the world who has no close friends, at least not close by.....besides you people on this board, the person who has gotten me thru this far is a former co worker who lives out of state--he has been calling, checking up on me regularly,and listening to me whine and moan far more than anyone should. my other so called close friends out of state,and my kids, just dont seem to understand the depth of what ive been feeling. of course,every time THEY have been thru it, i have listened......................over and over again. it is also comforting to know that so many others feel exactly what i feel about all of it.
and jaintao...well thanks alot, you made me cry.......sobbing hysterical out loud crying.......i went to the beach today. it is the only place lately that i feel a real sense of inner peace. what was strange,was i was afraid of the water....and i have never my whole entire life been that afraid.....when i was a kid, i would stay in till my lips were blue, and i probably almost drowned about a dozen times........once,i actually saw my life pass before me, but i always went back in...........i stood there thinking, "is this what he has done to me?????
the water was though, very rough....i have never seen that much seaweed,and the sand and shells churning so much....i got knocked over quite a few times just standing on the edge,and enough sand in my suit to build a castle!!!..last i heard they had four rescues in a short time.
came home,and i have been taping that old show, grace under fire. it is reruning on the oxygen channel. i would highly recomend it to all of you. one of her lines was about how she would not have married her ex alcoholic,if she had not been drinking herself. and it made me think.........i am not an alcoholic,an addict, so i had the sense to not move in with him, or even stay with him....and shes right, if i was, i probably would have. so his new person will either eventually leave too, or stay if she has problems too. and what kind of life is that? none that i want.
i feel so much better right now, and thats been happening more............i DO know who i am, and i will "stand--for the things you know are right, its the truth that the truth makes them so uptight....stand...theres a midget standing tall,and a giant beside him about to fall....stand...dont you know that you are free, well at least in your mind if you want to be..." sly and the family stone..........1970's when even then, i had no self esteem, but yet was voted "best all around" by my senior class on a day i wore my hair up despite my ears that i always hated!!!!
thank you all so so much................there are no words .................
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Old 06-26-2005, 07:57 PM
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Hi sunshine! You sound like a beautiful person and alot like myself, I remember feeling like that and there never seems to be away out....there is. You have to remind yourself about all the great talents you listed in your post. Some people would love a friend that just listens, who's supportive, who cares about you, you can trust them not to tell anybody your secrets...that in it self is worth being your friend. YOU ARE UNIQUE !!!!!

You will get what you want in life...if you want all these things bad enough. You have values, morals, you love and can be loved...keep those close to heart and DON'T settle for second best....your better than that !!!

Your friend (((Stressed 1))) :e03c
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Old 06-26-2005, 10:59 PM
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I wish we could all go out to a dinner and meet in person too, maybe someday we should arrange for such an event eh?
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Old 06-26-2005, 11:05 PM
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Originally Posted by CodeMaster
I wish we could all go out to a dinner and meet in person too, maybe someday we should arrange for such an event eh?
I bet we would laugh and have so much fun!!!
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Old 06-27-2005, 12:33 AM
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If any of you cannot get to an al-anon meeting, you can order literature from the website. I would recommend "How it works" as well as "Courage to Change" or "One Day At a Time". Maybe you can call them and see if there is someone who will be a telephone sponsor for you? Any chance you can get to weekend meetings? Even if you have to travel a bit, I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Also, Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie is a great place to start. I believe you can get that through the bookstore on SR.

Also, have you tried counselling? It really helped me to put some important things in perspective.

Once you start addressing your core issues, other things will flow.
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Old 06-27-2005, 02:51 PM
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I would love to come if we ever get a chance to meet. Just let me know when and where. I think all of us could use a "real" vacation.
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Old 06-27-2005, 06:04 PM
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DITTO FOR ME ON THE MEETING THING.....i would break down and use my credit card for somewhere in the middle!!!! it would be great to meet you all.

i am doing SO much better the last three days. it is the first i have had that many in a row. i am really finally excited to get on with life!!!
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