JessicaNAJ

I know, I know.... Seems I'm always looking for things. BUT, I wanted to say this, so here goes.

I think my AH is drinking. Why? Okay, these are stupid little things but....His face seems swallen (which I noticed went away when he did stop for a while) and I smelled something awful when he came into my room this morning - that's twice now I've smelt that, and it's not morning breath...it's worse. (I agree that this could be from anything, but my instincts are telling me otherwise....could just be fear and my mind is going into protection mode / or just paranoia.)

Anyway, I'm trying to have faith and I'm not wanting to set him up for failure. I just can't help but to see these little signs.

Believe me when I say this though, I am not spending much time worrying about it. He's going to do what he's going to do and if he is drinking again, I will know when the time is right.

But, I have to open my eyes to these little things though so I don't have the wool pulled over my eyes again. Don't you agree?

GettingBy

Jessica,

I think Equus wrote this about a month ago... I saved it because reading it reminds to not focus too hard on the signs...

If I dwell on fear soon I live in it.
If I dwell on abuse, I'll wind up living in it.
If I dwell on drama, I'll live in drama.
If I dwell on confusion my life will be confused.
If I dwell on illness, I won't live in health.

On the other hand....

If I dwell on happiness, I find I smile.
If I dwell on love, I become more loving and feel more love.
If I dwell on peacefullness, my life becomes more peaceful.
If I dwell on clarity, solutions in life become clearer.
If I dwell on health, I don't live with illness.

To acknowledge the negatives is enough to not risk denial. I think to dwell on them is to give them the power to direct life.

So in other words, yeah, you are probably right that he is drinking again, but you and I both know there's nothing you can do to help him stay sober. You know you can trust your instincts, and that alone will keep you from becoming niave again. It sad to watch them relapse, but their recovery has to be their choice.

-Shannon

meli2005

I am sorry you are going thru this. He probably is drinking again if you feel that way. Have you flat out asked him?

minnie

If he is, you'll know. And you wouldn't be human if you didn't notice stuff after everything you've been through. I wouldn't ask him about it, though - he'll probably get defensive and turn it on you. It wouldn't achieve anything positive.

Get your tools out of the box and use them, hon.

Love

Minnie
xxx

cwohio

GB is right - don't doubt yourself and how much you have grown jess!

robina

Living with an alcoholic, it's easy to become hypersensitive to any suspicious behaviour. However, it sounds like your gut instincts are telling you that he is drinking. If he is drinking, you will know for sure soon enough. In the meantime, take care of yourself and try not to let worry overcome you.

Love and blessings

Robin

JessicaNAJ

I did ask him once last week if he was drinking again and pointed out the swelling in his face. He calmly answered, "no". So I believed him. His pattern is, if he's drinking and don't want me to know about it, when I ask he'd get all defensive.

I won't ask him again. I know that it is pointless and he'd probably lie to me anyway if he was. I will know when/if he's drinking again. He will only be able to hide it for so long.

I pray my instincts are wrong, but if they're not, I've got my tools out.

CodeMaster

Last time I suspected my ex maybe starting to drink again, I was right... she was really late, started to have a hard time keeping any appointments or dates we setup, seems to be lying, and once she kept telling me how she didnt sneak and grab the vodka I locked up (she took my keys) and I got so confused cause I wanted to believe her so bad I believed Vodka evaporates LOL

Later she told me she did drink it, anyhow, it wasnt long after the vodka kept evaporating that I took all alcohol and trashed it.

But anyways, shes gone so it doesnt matter anymore. But I know what you must be feeling Jessica, I'd just let it go and continue detaching and what I realized is it comes down to they have to do what they want to do in this lifetime themselves.

Love always

CarolD

Kiss him.

gelfling

If he is drinking, I feel more sorry for him than you. You're working a great program and are a strong lady.

Keep up the good work. Detach!!!

JessicaNAJ

Carol I can't even think about kissing him to check on him. I used to do that all the time before he moved out, but since then I'm afraid if I approach him for a kiss or a hug, for whatever reason, I'm going to open my heart and get roped back in. I'm not sure I'm totally ready for that.

Code - I'm so proud of you for the progress you've made. I'm glad the anger you felt when you first came here is subsiding

Kathy - thank you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm as strong as I sound. But the support from you and everyone here makes me believe I can "do it". You guys give me the help and encouragement I need to make the choices that are best for me and my kids. And you always put me back on track

TheBeesKnees

Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 6/28

I always felt that my loved one’s drinking was a terrible reflection on me, and I worried about what people thought. One day he told me he wanted to get sober. I was elated for a day, until his next binge. Then I was devastated.

Some months later, my loved one finally did go to AA. Two days later, the drinking began again.

The most important thing I’ve learned in Al-Anon since then is that my well-being cannot depend upon whether or not the alcoholic drinks. His behavior is not a reflection of me, it’s a reflection of his disease. However, my behavior is a reflection of me, and I owe it to myself to pay attention to what it has to tell me. I have to take care of myself. I have to accept that alcoholism is a disease, which can be arrested but not cured. Many alcoholics make a number of attempts at sobriety before actually getting sober; others never do. My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else’s choices, even when it’s someone I dearly love.

Today’s Reminder

No matter whether the alcoholic in my life is drunk or sober, the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now.

“Al-Anon helped me to focus my attention on what I could do about my situation, instead of concentrating all my attention on what I thought the alcoholic should do. I was the one who had to take a stand.”

…In All Our Affairs

emily33

(I'm trying to have faith and I'm not wanting to set him up for failure)

I dont see me setting him up for failure, he fails himself, and I take his failure upon myself as If I failed. I am working on that, just because he sucks and he made wrong choices, doesnt mean I have to.

I also see me as setting myself up for failure, with hopes and expectations that will never happen.

I can tell when my H has been drinking, I dont mean to know and I dont look for it anymore, but I just know, I dont ask him anymore, I just know.

My H was at a point where he felt like he needed to hide it from me, but now he doesnt care, he is at the obnoxious level, I will have a beer when and if I feel like it and no one is going to tell me what to do.

It is all a part of my H's sick twisted world that only he can make better, I believe he really wanted too stop, but he doesnt know that beer is his medication for all the underlying stuff that needs to be dealt with first in order for him to start recovery.

He is still in denial, and he couldnt handle real life anymore so he started medicating himself again, and he is now up to 3 or 4 times a week.

I think the worse part for me is the self righteous mode, he feels so guilty and wants a beer so bad, he does everything he can to rip me apart so I fight back so he can use me as an excuse to drink.

cupowater

I know what you mean about the puffyness and that "Coming out of the pores" smell they get. Its so pittiful. Just concentrate on you. Gettingby's re-post of Equus post was good advice.