Lolobug

I haven't posted in a long time but I just had a question. In my opinion, all alcoholics that haven't been in recovery or started recovery, will have at least one "dry drunk" trait about them. That is just my opinion but I wanted to know what others think about this. Thanks! Lolobug

JessicaNAJ

I agree - My AH is not working a program and he still does the blame game and the guilt thing from time to time. He also likes to twist my words around. I'm getting really good at untwisting them when he does that though.... Thank goodness for my recovery.

wishstar

My husband isn't working the program either. But have a friend whose husband is. Her and I were discussing this. The alcoholic, when drinking, has learned to rely on a deeply inadequate, radically immature approach to solving life's problems. And this is exactly what we see in her dry drunk husband.

CodeMaster

Personally, I believe if your a true alcoholic, and you sober up, you will hit the dry drunk phase and only a few can make it past this. Thats why percentages are low for true recovery and one A told me if your still a dry drunk you'll be falling back into alcohol in time. Said to get out of it requires humility and honesty, and most just cant ever get themselves to do that.

Chy

This tends to be true for most that don't have an outside means of support, not all mind you as I know one or two that did it themselves and are the nicest people. But for the most part quitting is not enough, there is so much work, self-discovery, change, growth that needs to occur if your ultimate goal is a betterment of self and life relationships.

brvalley

I'm new here and want to add my 2 cents worth. I have been living with a dry drunk for 13 years and then he fell off the wagon 4 years ago and drove right back in like it was a swimming pool and he had to drink it all. He was drinking two bottles of 1 1/2 liters of wine a night to get to the spot where he wanted to be. He's been verbally abusive through out our relationship but has gotten worse through the years. On New Year's Eve he was out drinking in a small town near where we live which is known for picking up drunks and speeding drivers, David Letterman got a ticket two years ago driving through the same town. When he arrived home the next morning after having thrown a grown up temper tantrum at the jail, too many incidents to write about here, and the Bail Bondsman drove him home because he knew better than to call me and ask me to bail him out. I've been attending Alanon Meetings and seeing a counsler now for over two years. He came through the door angrier than I've ever seen him, stomping like a child, and blaming me for being the lying SOB that turned him in so he would be arrested. It was a lovely day as he called everyone he knew and a few he didn't know all that well to let them know what I'd done to make his life so terrible. He also had another bottle of wine to get through that day, and did finally. I had things to do so only heard parts of what he was telling the people he called, and silently laughed about it all. Stepping up to the plate and accepting he did this to himself never occured to him and still doesn't. He has managed to plea bargain it all down to not so much of a problem and is telling everyone what a smart guy he is.
Why did I stay? We have a business together and we've been having problems financially because of his drinking and grandiose thinking when he is drinking. I have quite a few employees that count on their jobs to take care of their families and felt I owed them something. I have since learned that was a mistake but hidesight is 20-20. The last incident that tipped the whole thing over was approx. 3 weeks ago when he was drinking heavily and angry, I can't believe how much anger he is carrying, I tried to feed my dog and turned on a light so I could see to get the dog food, and he was angry because I turned on the light. It escalated to him threatening to kick my a$$, rushing at me and kicking the table, when I ran for my cell phone that was on the charger, and got away from him by going to my bedroom which is in a seperate part of the house. I thought if I let him finish his drinking and stayed away from him all would calm down. He thought I was calling the police which I didn't and didn't have any intention of, but he called one of our employees (female) demanding that she come and get him before the police got here and hide him out so he wouldn't be arrested. She refused and called me to make sure I was alright which I said I was and to let everything alone as it would calm down but she called the police anyway and to make a long story short, he was arrested that night and a TRO was put in place the next day when he appeared before the judge. He was of course angry with me, but I wasn't the one who called and had him arrested and we were able to talk after this and thought we were going to try to make things work with him going to AA and trying there and me continuing with my own recovery. Then the first of this week, the woman who had called the police and a employee, a person I've helped financially and emotionally for three years called me to let me know she and my husband were now an item and this weekend will be moving into one of the rentals we own and starting their life together. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. But so goes life. Then she wanted to know if I could be adult enough to have her come back to the store as a salesperson (floor covering store) to get sales back up and make the business a going concern again. I told her I didn't see how that anything to do with being an adult, but no, I didn't think I ever wanted to see her face again.
What is even more stunning to me is the fact she is (at least I think so) a recoving A and a short time before my husband's last arrest he had threatened to kill her and her two grown daughters, and she called me terrified, wanting to know what she should do, and couldn't get him away from him fast enough. She even called her deputy brother in law to get the incident on record. Now they are going to live together in this new little love nest and have the honeymoon.
I have 60% of the business and can fire both of them and will fire him next week after I see my lawyer and can get some things in place legally. That will make things much harder for both of them, as he can no longer use the business as his personal bank account and have it pay for all of his bills. If he is not working he can't draw wages and he can't get money from the bank as I've taken him off all the accounts. He will actually have to go to work somewhere and so will she to make all the payments they have together and that may change the dynamics or may draw them closer together. My husband always has to have an enemy and for the moment I am the target. She knows all the verbal abuse things as she has worked for us for 3 years but she feels that their relationship is based on different dynamics and will work fine. Whatever.
She also just came out of a relationship where she was living with an alcoholic, who held her hostage, raped her, and physically and verbally abused her as well. I was the one who sent her the money to get out of this relationship and move here and gave her her old job back so she wouldn't have to worry about work right away. There's more to this story, but the final thing I would say is when there is a threesome, someone has to play the victim, and they were setting me up to be that victim, but I refuse and they will find out they opened a Pandora's Box when they decided to betray me the way they have. Up til now, I was willing to try to be as fair as possible, forgiving most of what I've suffered if there was going to be positive changes, and be as fair as possible where the divorce was concerned as possible. Now it has all changed and it's not for revenge at this point, it's all about protecting me. I've worked hard for all of what we own now as well.
Thanks for listening and not a victim anymore.

FriendofBill

why are you going to fire him?

brvalley

The current employees have no confidence or respect for him, not just because of what he's done with this woman, but because he's come to work too many times drunk and disruptive and orders things done that make no sense, spends money that is not necessary to conduct business, and I/We have to tighten the belt to make sure the business can continue. I have the confidence of the current employees but if he comes back to try to run things I have been assured they will all quit and that would be a disaster trying to retrain new people and on and on. This is the only means of support I have and need to keep things going not just for me, but for all of us.

FriendofBill

Good reasons,,,!

Ive just realized we got off topic on this thread...now back to the topic of Dry Drunk...

Buy, do I know a thing ot two about them apples. All dry drunk is is an active alcoholic with out the active part. Confusing? Heck ya..!

Its the same behavior as when active,, just no longer activly drinking. My experience is if an A is not working a spiritual program, yet not drinking, they are still a drunk and act like one.

Basically, the spirutal malady exists.....

zoe

To me the whole point of working a program is to learn what most of us know in the first place. How to be a responsible adult. Become mature in the thinking process. When not going to counseling or working a program the individual stays in the same mind set because that is all they know. Befor starting counseling my H was still blaming others (Me) for his drinking. Now that he has had counseling he can see that he was not Prince Charming in his actions or his words. He has learned to own his own crap and not throw it at me.

brvalley

My AH has started a new relationship with a "recovering alcoholic" and she tells me their dynamics are different and for now all is wonderful. I am sure if he is able to stop drinking, will become the dry drunk he was before, and his verbal attacks will start all over. Time will tell, but the nasty things said and thrown at you are hurtful and very hard to tell yourself it's his disease talking when the attacks are so personal. I have attended Alanon meetings for two years and just now have I been able to seperate some of the hurtful things that have been said over many years. It's not easy but time will help and seperation from the hurtful words has helped me a lot. Take care of yourself first and go to meetings. It does help.

wishstar

Agree with this 100%. Not Drinking, But Not 'Of Sober Mind' Either. Many former drinkers go through the grieving process over the loss of their old friend, the bottle.
Whether a dry drunk realizes it or not, they begin the stages of grieving -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- the same stages most people go through when they have a great loss in their lives or have been told they have a terminal illness. As my friends GP told her,"you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you've still got a fruit cake"! For a dry drunk to fully recover from the effects of alcoholism, the alcoholic must replace the obsessive behaviors in his life. Ultimate goal is a betterment of self and life relationships. What a up hill battle this is for the alcoholic. My husband hasn't begun the battle yet. For me,I can start to see what this intails. I can see what a codie and enabler I have become. I am seeing the effects on me. If my husband never wakes up to the fact he is an alcoholic and seeks help,there is no warranty that our marriage will survive. All I can do is work on me and 'take it a day at a time'.

queenofthehwy

I wish that my ah would see that I am not the only one who says this!!! It is so true and everyone "gets it" but him.

minnie

The same goes for us codies, though. We could put down our drug of choice (i.e. leave the alcoholic), but without serious work on ourselves we still practice the same behaviours.

As far as the dry drunk issues is concerned, does it really matter whether they are drinking or not? If the behaviour is unacceptable, then it's unacceptable no matter what we blame it on. It is still our choice how or whether we live with it.