Navigating Alanon: a few questions

Old 06-24-2005, 05:12 AM
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Navigating Alanon: a few questions

Soooooo........I'm choosing to work on me. My adult son who is 22 is dual diagnosed bipolar and addicted. He just completed a 30 drug/ alcohol rehab, did well, has been home 3 weeks and is relapsing.
Any suggestions concerning relapse? What do I do with the fear that grips me when he goes out?
I have found an Alanon home meeting, have attended about 7 meetings (I'm new even though this has been going on 4 years) and I have had a private therapist to support me for the last 4 years.
How do I go about choosing a sponsor?
Any advice on what I should look for?
I'm reading Alanon literature daily, praying daily and getting exercise. Any other suggestions?
Thanks for any input on this mix of questions
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Old 06-24-2005, 10:22 AM
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Hi Reiki:

I am also the mother of an alcoholic, mentally ill adult child. My daughter is 22 and she has been grappling with her alcohol addiction for months. (detox, counsellors, AA meetings)

She managed to get to six weeks sober and then a lot of manic and psychotic behaviour started. She started talking about going back to drinking. I took her to the regional hospital and they were concerned enough about her recent behaviour to commit her to the psych ward. The psychiatrist in emergency said it sounded like she might be bi-polar. Right now she in in the psych ward for at least two weeks so I am feeling a huge sense of relief because I know she will be safe as long as she is in there.

I fully understand your feelings. It is so hard to cope with the fear, worry, and the daily challenge of living with a child who is going through this. Something I do is to visualize a loving angel watching over my daughter. I think of this as her higher power. I tell myself "her higher power is taking care of her". This gives me a lot of comfort when I know she is in dangerous situations.

I am very thankful for Alanon. I go to two or three different meetings a week and I read the literature and practice the slogans and prayers. I also use the telephone lists a lot! I also visit these boards as much as possible. The people here offer good advice, wisdom, and kindness.

As far as a sponsor goes, I would advise that you give it to your higher power. By this I mean, ask your higher power to bring the right sponsor to you. I have been handing over a lot of my troubles to my higher power lately, and it seems to be working for me, so I hope it will work for you too.

Love and blessings to you and your son. This dual disease can be treated. The fact that our children are young (age 22), and with the new medications and therapies out there, I believe there is a lot of hope.

Robin
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Old 06-24-2005, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by reikihelps
What do I do with the fear that grips me when he goes out?
A friend assured me that my Higher Power loves my loved ones even more than I do (as diffucult as it may be for me to believe that at times)... I'd suggest turning him and his care over to your HP. For me, I go back to the first three Steps whenever fear takes over:

1)I can't;
2)HP can;
3)I think I'll let Him/Her/It!

Originally Posted by reikihelps
How do I go about choosing a sponsor?
Any advice on what I should look for?
I listened to people share in meetings and sought someone who'd "been where I'd been" and was now in a place, emotionally and spiritually, where I'd like to be. Also, the sponsor I chose was always able, no matter what the subject, to relate the topic back to the Steps. And, of course, he's the same gender as I am (makes things less complicated when discussing those touchy intimate issues). I agree with the idea of asking HP for guidance in this area. It certainly worked for me.


Originally Posted by reikihelps
I'm reading Alanon literature daily, praying daily and getting exercise. Any other suggestions?
Meetings, meetings, meetings... and service when you feel comfortable (even something as "small" as setting up the meeting room, putting out literature, etc.). Service helps me stay connected!

Keep coming back!
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Old 06-24-2005, 05:53 PM
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To choose a sponsor, just ask! Listen in meetings to people who have what you want (Serenity, faith, contentness etc..) and ask them to be a temp. sponsor. THat seems to get them to accept more easily.

You sound like you are on the right track....keep going, together we gt thru it,,welcome to al-anon!!

Hugs!
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Old 06-27-2005, 08:07 AM
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Hi Robina, Nocellphone, and Friend of Bill,
Thank you very much for the responses.
I do pray regularly and try to do a 'letting go' when I pray and/or meditate. I'm new at the letting go part! It's a challenge but I believe I am making progress.
Funny but I never thought about turning to my HP for help in choosing a sponsor. Sometimes the easiest things evade me.
Robin, thanks for the hopeful attitude. That helps a lot. It also helps to know another parent of a dually diagnosed adult child.
Any specific books on codependency you'd recommend? Just bought Melodie Beattie's new one.
((Reikihelps))
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Old 06-27-2005, 01:02 PM
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reikehelps:

You seem to be doing everything you need to be doing -- just be gentle with yourself and celebrate your progress and your little daily victories. There is a man I know who has been in the program for 19 years -- he tells a story about how he went to his first meeting, bought One Day At a Time, took it home and read the whole thing the first night and then was amazed when he woke up the next morning and felt pretty much the same as he had before he even went to the meeting. His joke with this is: "I guess I should have paid a little attention to the title!"

This really is a one day at a time program and so many of us have been so hard on ourselves and expected so much of ourselves, especially as it comes to expecting ourselves to be able to "fix" the addict's behavior, that being gentle with ourselves and learning to take things slowly and at a manageable (but long-term much more meaningful and effective) pace, without the pressure for perfection is one of the most vital, yet hardest lessons for us to learn.

You are doing great.

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Old 06-27-2005, 01:05 PM
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SPONSORSHIP

From How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pp 36-38

Sponsorship is one of the chief resources we use to help us to cope with and recover from the effects of alcoholism. A sponsor is someone with whom we can share about ourselves and our circumstances in detail. Most of us choose a sponsor who has been involved with Al Anon for some time, someone who is familiar enough with the program to help us learn to apply it to our own lives.
Although most of Al Anon’s principles and techniques involve simple, easy-to-grasp ideas, slogans, or actions, knowing when and how to put them to work in our lives can be very confusing, and a sponsor can be a great help.

Between Al Anon meetings, we can call our sponsor when we face a difficult situation, achieve a goal, feel confused, or just want to talk. It’s wonderful to have someone to turn to who already knows our story, someone who has made a commitment to be there to listen and to share with us, someone who can offer a different perspective on our situations, someone who respects our privacy and will keep what we say absolutely confidential. A sponsor is a friend, a confidant who has experienced alcoholism’s devastating effects and yet has learned through Al Anon to find serenity and hope. He or she listens, shares experience, strength and hope, and offers support and encouragement.

But a sponsor does not have all the answers. He or she is just another human being who is recovering from the effects of alcoholism. None of us is finished with our personal growth, no matter how long we have been in Al Anon. As sponsors, we must be especially careful to avoid giving specific advice about what to do or not do in a particular situation. The idea is to help our fellow members find their own answers in their own time.

When looking for a sponsor, it sometimes helps to attend several different Al Anon meetings in order to come into contact with a variety of members, although it is not always possible to do so. Most of us look for someone who is actively trying to apply the Al Anon program to his or her life. This means that we look for sponsors who try to take the various principles and practices the program offers and apply them to their own lives. For example, many of us seek a sponsor who works the Twelve Steps, observes the Twelve Traditions, is active in service work, reads al Anon literature, uses the slogans, and seems to share from the heart. It is also suggested, in most instances, that we choose a sponsor of the same sex to avoid complications and emotional involvements that might make the relationship less beneficial. But there are no rules in Al Anon. The most important thing is to be willing to reach out and ask for the help we need, human to human. If we hear someone with whom we identify, we can speak with them after the meeting or ask for their phone number. If we feel comfortable with them and feel we could develop a rapport, perhaps we will ask them to sponsor us.

At first, many of us feel reluctant to ask anyone to make such a big commitment to us. Alcoholism has often taken a heavy toll on our self-esteem, and we feel unworthy to ask for so much attention. We don’t want to impose or be a burden to anyone. It can take awhile to discover that such a request is not a burden but a privilege and an honor. Sponsorship is a mutually beneficial relationship. It allows sponsors to focus on the Al Anon principles in a new way, and provides them an opportunity to practice the Twelfth Step. No one works the program harder than a willing newcomer, and many longtime members are inspired by those we sponsor to renew our commitment to our own recovery by the efforts and the progress of others. We often see a reflection of ourselves in those we sponsor. WE may recognize areas in which we need to work harder and places where we are overly hard on ourselves. We see how far we’ve come and how much farther we need to go. And we hear in what is shared with us and in our responses exactly what we ourselves most need to hear. Sponsorship is a tool our Higher Power can use to help both of us to grow.

Most of us are flattered to be asked to sponsor another member, but sometimes, for any variety of reasons, the person being asked may be unable to say “yes”. If our first choice is unavailable, then we are encouraged to ask someone else. For many of us, there is no greater resource for building trust and learning to communicate honestly and with dignity than sponsorship. The sooner we avail ourselves of this opportunity, the sooner we can start to grow in these areas. Nonetheless, each of us works this program at our own pace. There is no right or wrong time to find a sponsor. Some of us are ready right away, some of us wait quite a while before we feel moved to take this step, and some of us never choose it at all. It is never too late to get a sponsor, and we are free to change sponsors at any time.

Sponsors cannot make the Al Anon program work for others. Each of us, sponsor and sponsored alike, must apply the Al Anon Steps, principles, and practices ourselves. And even the most dedicated sponsor cannot be available all the time. It is important to remember that a sponsor is only one of many voices in Al Anon. If help is not available in the first place we look, it is our responsibility to reach out to other members. Our needs are important. It is up to us to make sure that they are met.
~~~
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Old 06-28-2005, 07:59 AM
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Dear Freya and Beesknees,

My. I really am rough on myself. Being gentle, especially with me, is something I will focus on today. Thanks, Freya. By the way, you have beautifully written text. It is smooth and comforting.
BK, that was very helpful. I think I need to slow down a lot with choosing a sponsor. Here's my first personal challenge in Alanon. Another member, actually an old timer, told another mutual friend that I am attending her meeting. Our mutual friend did not know this and has not really been involved in my life much for the last year. The alanoner who broke confidentiality sees me as very secure and said "I hope you don't mind but I told... you have been coming to meetings." I responded with a quick "it's ok" but haven't been comfortable since. After thinking about it for a while, I think I need to speak to this woman and explain that I am uncomfortable and am hoping that she doesn't share my story as it is mine to share not hers. In a way I feel my trust has been violated. I recognize that it's minor but it's gnawing at me. So, I want to talk to her without an edge and share what I'm feeling. I was thinking of asking this woman to be my temp sponsor. Not now though. Any suggestions?
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Old 06-28-2005, 08:56 AM
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Reiki,
I know someone on the boards here who will go and kick that woman RIGHT in the shins for you. It was NOT ok for her to violate your anonymity, which is the spritual foundation of our traditions. You are absolutely right in wanting to say something... if you aren't comfortable saying it to her directly, you can always share about it at a meeting w/o naming names. She'll know, and perhaps there are others in the group who would benefit from the sharing/topic as well.

OOOOH you hit a nerve with me!

Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 1/20

“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions.” Anonymity makes it possible to leave not only our surnames, but all the labels and expectations with which we have been burdened, outside the Al-Anon rooms. Through our commitment to anonymity we can put aside what we are and begin to know who we are.

As I began to recognize how valuable this spintual principle already was in my life, I understood why it was so important to protect the anonymity of others, including the alcoholic. If I want the benefits the program has to offer, I have an obligation to extend to others the same respect and courtesy that keep me feeling safe, free from labels, and free to be myself.


Today’s Reminder

In taking my place among the thousands of anonymous individuals who make up the Al-Anon Family Groups, I know that I never again have to be alone. I won’t jeopardize this valuable resource by violating its most fundamental spiritual principle.

“Each person should be able to leave an Al-Anon meeting secure in the knowledge that what he, or she, has shared will not be repeated.”

Why Anonymity in Al-Anon?
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Old 06-28-2005, 09:02 AM
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I'm going to call her now.
Thanks for the validation, BK.
My son relapsed last night. Let's see if I can avoid the same.
((((Reikihelps)))))
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Old 06-28-2005, 11:38 AM
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Called her, Beesknees, and it went well. She felt badly and apologized 3 times. Unfortunately it did a job on my trust issues. I don't want to give up though. I still think this Alanon is for me.
thanks for the support.
RH
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Old 06-28-2005, 04:31 PM
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I'm so sorry that your son relapsed. I'll keep both of you in my prayers today.

Robin
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Old 06-28-2005, 06:31 PM
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thanks, Robina.
that helps
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Old 06-28-2005, 09:21 PM
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reiki...

I always try to remember that even the well-meaning friends I have in Al-Anon are really only people like myself---human and error-prone.

I've had my anonymity compromised more than once, and I don't like it. I'd say you did the right thing by expressing your feelings and confronting the issue. My guess is that you will both benefit from this experience...

Peace!
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Old 06-29-2005, 01:34 PM
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How true, nocellphone, but I must admit I feel a bit awkward going to my meeting tonight. Not sure if I'll bring it up to the group as a whole.....the thing is because of my profession I know many people in the community and am very visible. I'm not really up for discussing my personal life with anyone outside of meetings. Know what I mean? I am learning how to sense whether or not to 'go there' with various people. I'm really careful about my boundaries, personal and professional.
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Old 06-29-2005, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by reikihelps
How true, nocellphone, but I must admit I feel a bit awkward going to my meeting tonight. Not sure if I'll bring it up to the group as a whole....
Maybe you could suggest anomymity as a topic or a "burning desire"? I've been to meetings on that topic and they're always enlightening. My guess is you'd find pretty quickly that you're not alone in your feelings about this issue.
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Old 06-29-2005, 06:21 PM
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Well, I went and it was wonderful. The woman who broke confidence and I are reconciled and reconciliation feels amazing.
I am really grateful for this program, new though I am.
- thanks for the support!
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Old 06-29-2005, 08:04 PM
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I love to see recovery in action!

Keep up the good work!!!
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Old 06-30-2005, 06:55 AM
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Here's a new question (I'm also going to post it as a new thread and see what happens. Any suggestions on this: I'm noticing that I am much worse around my husband. He is not working a program (one of our adult kids has addiction issues) and his codependency lights mine up. I suppose I, in return, light his up, too. We can jack one another up into a state of utter anxiety. Since I have started Alanon, I have been walking away when that happens. I have been trying to not bite any hooks and I will discuss but will not answer questions (his method of 'thinking' is to ask question after question. I feel pressure and he rarely communicates his feelings.
Any good books on codenpendent marriages?
I suspect just like addiction, I can't control this either (too bad, eh?) and I need to be patient. As I change the steps to the dance, initially this structure is thrown off kilter. I have to believe it will eventually improve our situation.
Input appreciated.
ta ta for now
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Old 06-30-2005, 09:43 AM
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Same thing happened to me with my mom's codependency when I first got into the program. It was like I was so aware of all these behaviors that I just started noticing things I had never really noticed -- or at least never noticed and understood -- before and it was irritating and frustrating. Partly because codependent behavior is irritating and frustrating to those around it and partly because I wanted to "help" her out of it. My solution was just to keep reminding myself 1) not to go there with her 2) not to get into it with her about it and 3) fake being calm about both of the above until I actually made it to the point where I usually was calm.

Now it doesn't bother me so much anymore and I can really be very calm and intentional and detatched about not giong there -- sometimes that really tweaks her, but that's about her not me.

Again, patience and gentleness with yourself around this is important -- especially because people who are used to being able to get you to interact with them in a certain way will be umcofortable when you change and often they will escalate their own behavior to try to get you back to what they're familiar with. So I'm not saying any of this is easy or happens quickly, but it will happen with patience and perserverence over time.

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