MissMChel

I just left a ten year relationship with a functional alcoholic. I care about this man very much wish him no harm or sadness. Throughout the past ten years, I have endured an emotional rollercoaster. I sought counseling and have gone through many phases including but not limited to the following:

- I'm a smart girl - I know he has a problem and I can fix it.
- OK, I'm having trouble fixing this problem, but I'll keep trying.
- OK, I can't fix this problem - What's wrong with me.
- OK, It's not my problem, it's his but I'm going to help him fix it.
- OK, I can't help him fix it - He's going to have to do it himself.
- OK, I'm going to concentrate on me and be healthy no matter what goes on with him.
- I'm healthier, but not happier.
- I can't stand being alone anymore.
- I am going to have to leave because he won't.
- I've left.

Now, I've left the relationship and we are both very sad and he keeps asking me to move back and that if he messes up agin that I can go for good, but he wants one last chance. All my friends say don't do it - he will be ok for a while but will go right back to drinking and leaving you alone at nights.

So, now, I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

sugar52

mchel, read on, prayers for you to find your truths, do something nice for yourself. it's ok to feel sad!
hugs sugar

spindell

Hi there.

Its ok , to feel sad, u love this man , and its hard to walk away from someone when u still feel that luv, But try and focus on u abit , u mite find this really hard to do for a while ,[i did]but it does get easier, Dont promise urself that u wont go back to ur partner, but dont promise ur self u will either, just take things minute by minute, half hour by half hour, go with the flow , but do , do things that make u feel better.

Perhaps u could take this time, to do something that u've wanted to do for a while but kept putting of, for whatever reason.how small that thing is , go and do it , ur important to , ur a good person and u deserve a little treat .

We're all here for u, Thinking of u lots , Big hug



spin

Kittycat

Daer Mchel,
My functiong A had a major seizure...he stopped "functioning " !
This all happened this past weekend, I left him two months ago. He is now going into recovery....will he be able to do it...I am not sure. We are married for twelve years.
I know you must feel badly it is a horrible thing to go through all of this, but if you have been able to leave...just let it be for awhile and see what happens to him. They "depend" on us for their next breath I can really see that now.


Take care of yourself
Love Kitty

Cajun girl

This sounds like a tough situation. Most co-dependants, myself included, press for answers and action. In Al-Anon, I'm learning about the 3 A's. Awareness, Acceptance, and then Action. I'm learning that I take Action when it is directed from my higher power. And that higher power no longer being my A. (HA) If you aren't sure what action to take, wait. Pray, go to mtgs, post and read here, and allow some quiet time to receive your Higher Power's truth. The answer will come, then act. Hope this helps.

JT

Is there a middle? Can you be together without losing yourself?
You sound like you have doubts...maybe you need to work through them. You love him and he says he loves you....there is maybe a middle there somewhere. Can you compromise and find it?

Set some boundary's and make them clear. Then you will know if he can back up what he is saying. Go in with your eyes open. How much more can you be hurt?

Hugs JT

Gypsygirlmom

Hi MissMChel,
I spent alot of time not knowing which way to go. It helped when I started going to Alanon, praying, and journaling my thoughts. When I left, I thought for sure I was doing the right thing & this was the end. But several months later I came back. Nothing is written in stone. And it is ok to change your mind later if you need to. I also needed to know in my mind if I had made a mistake when I left (at the time I did what I felt I had to do) And what would it really hurt to give it one last chance? I did love him, hated the disease. Spending a couple of months out of my life was pretty small compared to the rest of the whole picture. Yea, they're always ok for a while, then if it starts again, you'll know.

Remember to take care of yourself, and not lose yourself in it all.

MonicaR

It's very nice to have you join our family. The one thing I would really encourage you to do if you haven't already is to seek out and attend Al-Anon. This program can be a life saver. I have learned that as I learn to take care of myself, I am able to hand over my life to my Higher Power and along with him, I am able to see more clearly the path I should take. I used to spend a lot of time begging for God to take away my problems and then bury my head in the sand and wait for the crisis to be over. Now I can pray for my Higher Power to show me the path more clearly and to help me learn the lessons I am being given to grow. Keep coming back you're in the right place.

Hugs,
MonicaR

Morning Glory

Hi MissMChel,

I was thinking along the same line as Just Tired. Maybe a middle ground. Sounds like you're thinking stay away or move back in. I think there must be something safer in the middle.

Has he done anything that would show you he is working on his recovery? I would see how it goes for 6months to a year before I would jump back in if you can. Maybe dating again might be nice for awhile and give you a chance to see how things progress. This would give you time to establish better boundaries too.

Everyone else has given good advice too. Also make sure it's not manipulation from him that pressures you into a decision.

I love your explanation of this process.

Hugs,
MG

MissMChel

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied to me - I've certainly found the right group. Does anyone know how I find a local Al-Anon group meeting to attend? I found some listings around here... Berks County, Pa, but noone answers my phone calls and the email address is bogus.

As it stands right now, my A has good days and bad days. He asked me to move back this weekend and try to see if it will work. he said that if he "messes up" I can go for good. Part of me wanted to do it to see, but then on Friday, he promptly called me drunk and started yelling and screaming at me, so I did not move back.

It seems that he has his good days and his bad days and his bad days are really bad and he feels it necessary to call me and blame me for it all.

So, I'm taking it one day at a time, but would really like to find a meeting to attend close to me. I work in King of Prussia, PA and would attend around there if I could find a meeting. Anyone have any suggestions?

Thank all!!

MonicaR

The first place I would look for information is www.alanon.com. That is the official site and can direct you to meetings in your area. I found my meetings by calling AA in the yellow pages. You can also try a local mental health agency. I'll try the web site too to see if I can locate it for you. Don't give up, they are everywhere and worth the search.

Hugs,
MonicaR