queenofthehwy

For those of you who left, how did you know you made the right decision? How many of you had some huge thing happen to make you get out, or did it just slowly build up until you reached your limit?

How do you know if your choice would be the best for your kids? My kids pretty much think thier dad is very rude to me and to them.

I read the healthy relationship thread and I can't say that any of the things on there describe my relationship. Is that enough reason to leave, it is for me but what about for my kids.

What if I never find anyone else that would want someone with 3 kids 2 different dads? What if my AH makes my life a living hell (he has before) What if I am just being selfish in wanting to leave?

meli2005

Good question, wondering the same thing. I don't think you are being selfish though for wanting out of an alcoholic relationship. He is the one being selfish, alcohol tends to do that to people!

My AH and I are living separately right now. AH says he wants to get sober and I told him he could not come back here till he proved to me he was sober. Meanwhile, contemplating divorce myself.

For me, things built up slowly. Then kind of exploded. Alcohol is a very slow progressive disease. The early years are spent in denial, at least they were for me.

I wonder too if anyone would want me as well, I think that's a normal thought, but I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Plus one day the kids will be all grown up too.

Savana 54

Awww queen--How could you think no one would ever want to be with you? Your a bright, giving, person. I think if you work on yourself from the inside enough, you are only going to attract healthy people.

I feel bad that your kids have to see their Dad acting that way to you and to them. Kids are very perceptive as to what is going on.

My story doesn't compare to yours at all, as I was never married to him nor did we have kids together (thank god!). I think I got tired mostly of the lies, and of course the gambling and drinking. Now that I think of it, I wanted to leave him 5 months into the relationship, but I never had the strength or courage, and I thought I could "fix him," by loving him a lot. Well here I am two and a half years later; finally away from him for good. I feel good most of the time, and I know I did the right thing for myself.

I always wonder what could have been, but I have a feeling we may have been married with a child, and dealing with his drinking.

Maybe looking to your HP for some of the answers you have will help.

(((((((((((QOTH))))))))))

CatsTail

From first hand experience it is not good to be in an unhealthy relationship with kids. Even if the kids don't know exactly what is going on they sure know something isn't right. And eventually they will start to have problems.

Ngaire

minnie

For me, it was a gradual build up, both of the tension within the relationship and also what I learned here and in al-anon. I started to believe that I deserved more than the life I was living. I realised that in order to stay in the relationship, I had to accept my life as it was, rather than hoping things were going to change and I couldn't do that.

I don't have any kids, but I can tell you what I heard an al-anon speaker say on that subject. She said that she hurt her children more by being a raging, bitter and unhappy mother than the A did.

If you don't think you have a healthy relationship with your H, what kind of lesson are you teaching your children? Will they learn to settle for a less than satisfactory marriage?

Just some things to think about.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Laura_298

My leaving was interesting. I got the courage slowly, kind of mulled it over in my mind, in secret for a long time. Then I started to research apartments online and that became exciting and I started to imagine a life without so much negativity. Then one day I surprised MYSELF. For some reason I just decide to surrender to leaving and go. Feelings were hurt and months of B.S. followed but if I hadn't made that move I know both of us would be in danger right now. I left my A and now we are both learning to be comfortable with ourselves. Life went on, it wasn't the catastophe my fear had built it up to be, and ultimately, I have been able to find more peace.

zoe

Minnie is spot on. I made so many mistakes with my kids. How could I possibly think I could raise happy children when I could not take care of myself. I was miserable and miserable to be around. I was not fair to my kids who were trying to get my attention anyway they could. I am still with my H but am a happier person now that I realize I don't need to stay. I choose to stay because he is working on himself and the relationship. If and when he decides not to put any more effort into our marriage I will leave. It truly takes two to make it work. I will no longer accept being the miserable one!!!!

Savana 54

I wanted to add the deal breaker for me this time around, was the fact that he wanted to work out on the road. He travels all the time and I would rarely see him; plus it's his way of pretending he is working a program, and then getting drunk every night after he talks to me on the phone.

Not only do long distance relationships not work, especially when the other person is an A, pretending and lying about how they are staying sober. **rolls eyes**

Basically, he has nothing to offer me anymore.

Not falling for that one again!!

elizabeth1979

Mindi dear, is your life what you want now? How Close is it to a living hell? Weigh it out, are the ups more extreme than the downs? Do the good times, make up for the bad...or do the bad times overshadow the good. Kids are indeed perceptive, but they also need to have at least one parent that is healthy and emotionally available. If you go will it make you more or less emotionally available to your children? Does the confusion in the house now take a bigger toll that what you think it would be if you left? Just things to think about. I am in no place to tell anyone what to do, but I can tell you my heart feels for you.
Sarah Elizabeth

JessicaNAJ

I asked my AH to leave when I realized I wasn't happy. I would rather live my life alone than live my life miserable.

He didn't really help with the disciplining of the kids, I knew it would be best for them if he left. They did not need to grow up in the lifestyle that was being brought into our home. They did not need to grow up seeing their father disrespecting me. They did not need to be taught that irresponsible behavior was okay.

I knew I could fend for them financially. I handled everything important anyway. Why be miserable? Why raise 3 kids when I only gave birth to 2, especially when that third child was a 31 year old adult?

I knew I made the right choice when I realized....he was gone and I didn't miss him.

BTW - he went to Florida for 2 weeks the year prior and I actually felt more a peace than I would if he were at home, so I knew I'd be okay as far as that went. AND he got laid off in the winter and I supported us, so I knew I'd be okay there too.

Cynay

One of the things that REALLY helps me is asking myself this question.

If my daughter were in the situation Im in ... what advise would I give her if she were to ask for it.

If its not good enough for her then it certainly is not good enough for me. Im lonely, tired of hurting, my ego is brused and I still love him and cry over it.... but

My life is peaceful, Im growing in my career, relationship with God, relationship with my daughter, she is happy again, My life is not unmanageable .... etc. I will just continue to build on what I know I can control and pray for all the rest to come.

benefits

I knew it was time to leave when my then 3 year old son told me that "mommies stay home with the babies and daddies go out with their friends" on weekends. I realized it then but it took me another 6 months to do something about it. I knew I didn't want my son raised like that and I knew I was unhappy and that I wanted out but I felt that I was quitting if I left just because I was unhappy. I thought it was selfish. I realize now that I wasn't doing anyone any good by staying. I'm sure my son could feel the tension in the few times my exhusband was actually at home with us. I found out he was cheating on me and that was my excuse to kick him out - like I said I felt I needed a reason other than I was unhappy. I realize now that I didn't need any other reason. Then after I kicked him out he stayed away for a little while and then came back because he felt that since his name was on the house he could stay - well that lasted for only a couple weeks and it was him constantly following me around the house fighting with me - my son would run around with his hands over his ears begging his father to not talk because his talking was yelling. It was a living hell. I moved out and never looked back. I was the one who took care of the house, the finances and our son so I knew I could do it on my own and I know we are all better off now since the divorce. I wish I would have had the courage to leave a lot sooner - I think that would have saved my son a lot of heartache. Good Luck to You!!!

ggnewme

I left when I finally realized that things weren't going to change for the better - he's still not ready to quit drinking yet. And also, that even if they were, guess what? it wouldn't have a thing to do with me. Even breaking up with him wasn't enough of an eye-opener for him. Like Savanna, almost all along our 2 year relationship I usually wanted to end it, but he just kept feeding me just enough to string me along. Although, then I did not know he was an alcoholic - I broke it off about 2 months after he confessed that to me, and it was clear he was not ready to quit. From everything I've learned here, and in Al-anon, and in books, life with an alcoholic is patchy at best, and more often than not it's something of a nightmare. I could not in good conscience choose to live my life under those circumstances.

I still pray for him, I still send him articles and tidbits I hope will inspire him, I still talk to him, I will always love him - but I'm not going to make a committment to a man I will have to bury too soon.

clyde

Where is the healthy relationship thread? I need one of those cuz I do not know how they are supposed to work.

Lorelai

I was unhappy for a long time. I knew my life and the kids lives would be better without the daily alcoholic drama. I just never thought I could actually do it. I had excuses out the butt. I might not have enough money, the kids might be tramatized, he might do something horrible, I might never find someone else to love, I might feel sorry for him and take him back. The list went on and on.

Once I got into recovery and made changes to my thinking, I realized that the excuses were just excuses. Bottom line - I didn't want to live with someone who didn't respect me or himself or our children.

My children are 16 & 18. I always thought they were well-adjusted girls but they have blossomed since their dad moved out. Once I started actually living my life, it seems as though they took that as permission to start living their lives too.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what people told me over and over. When you are ready to do it, you'll know. I didn't understand but I trusted them. It is true. I was 100% certain of what I was doing. I am happier now than I have been in 20 years. I'm happier because I know myself and am happy with myself - not necessarily because he's gone.
Hugs -
L