JessicaNAJ

AH has really been making strides lately. He joined me on Saturday for a Father's Day cookout at my mom's and then later for a bonfire at my house that evening. Sunday we were going to take him to the Reds game, but got the schedule wrong and didn't make it. I apologized for his day not ending out the way it was planned and he said he was very happy with the way it turned out. So, that was cool.

He's been very helpful and considerate.....it kinda scares me. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to imagine that he's come this far.

He's been giving me hugs and gave me a kiss good night (small one), but what scares me the most is....I'm just not feeling it.

I can't make myself feel something I don't. My heart feels empty and alone, yet, he's right there.

I'm really glad that he's doing better. I still deal with some doubts, but I don't obsess about them. I'm afraid if he senses that I'm "not feeling it" he will regress.

I know.........I don't cause it.

I'm not even sure how to word this....just wondering if anyone else has been there.

GettingBy

((((Jessica)))),

You've been through alot with your husband. You've been hurt, disappointed, angry, sad, and the list goes on... and those feelings don't go away over night. It takes time to heal so be gentle with yourself. You said it perfectly, "I can't make myself feel something I don't." If you don't feel it, that's okay! Trust your feelings, or lack thereof!

B has been putting alot of effort into our marriage for awhile now... and I really appreciate it. Meanwhile, I've been putting alot of effort into focusing on me so that I won't be as upset when the other shoe drops (and believe it or not, that's actually HELPING our marriage! Wierd, eh?). But the thing I'm learning about that is if I'm really focusing on me, I don't notice the other shoe dropping (as much, LOL!). Even with things getting better, they are still along way off from what they used to be (or what I feel they *should* be), and that's okay. We're making progress. It is what it is. I don't feel the *sparks* when we kiss, or hold hands, and I really am not in the mood to do much else... and that's okay. Things will happen when I'm ready, and trying to force it only makes me feel like crap.

Trust the process.... and keep taking care of you!
:-) Shannon

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Shannon.....you have given me some good advice.

FriendofBill

I'm really glad that he's doing better. I still deal with some doubts, but I don't obsess about them. I'm afraid if he senses that I'm "not feeling it" he will regress.

Jessica,,,

Hate to say it but your not that powerful!

You dont have the power to make him regress. Remember, we cannot control alcoholism, so if thats true, we cannot make anyone regress, right?

Just be who you are, feel your feelings and let the outcome be what it will be.

Good luck!

JessicaNAJ

Thank you FOB - I do know I'm not that powerful....Although I used to think I was but was totally in denial.

I do have to remind myself that ..... I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.

But thank you for the reminder. I'll take all I can get.

JessicaNAJ

OMG - Major shock here.....

He came by tonight (nothing abnormal about that). But I was working in the yard. He NEVER helps unless I ask him and even then sometimes he won't help. Well, tonight he OFFERED to use the blower while I finish cutting the grass in the backyard. THEN when he was finished he came back there and took the lawnmower from me and told me to go sit down and relax Of course I had to ask him if he was feeling ok.... And I did thank him.

Ok...the wheels are turning....Is he being nice b/c I'm doing him a favor (his car is on the verge of getting repo'd and I gave the lending co. a check to hold until he get's paid <ducking>. I'm taking a risk, he asked...I didn't offer. Let's see how much he's changed. Trust has to start somewhere.)

Why do I always think there's and alterior motive???

See I just ruined my good moment. Oh well I'm still in shock!!

queenofthehwy

Probably because there always has been one before.
I am glad to hear he is doing nice things for you, but be careful, I would hate to see you get your hopes up and then get hurt again!
Mindi

meli2005

I think it sounds real normal. YOu have been thru a lot, and he has hurt you profoundly. You can't get over that overnight. It did not happen overnight and it won't heal overnight either. It will take time and it takes time to rebuild trust.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Mindi.....I'm going to take Shannon's advice and your's. I'm going to continue working on me and not get blind-sided by his kindness.

As shocking as his behavior is, I still can't help but to think that its only a matter of time before he caves into his alcoholism. He's not working a program and his willpower has not proven to work very well in the past.

GettingBy

Just a thought.... but how about just seeing it as a good deed, say thanks... and let it go! No need to keep trying to figure "it" or him out! I think part of my sickness is that I make things far more complex than they really are! If I stop thinking, I have more time to just relax and enjoy life!

:-) Shannon

P.S. I'm glad he's finally getting off his duff and helping you!

zoe

My H has been full of suprising behaviour the past couple of months due to his counselor. He carries things for me when we are in the store, he does things I have asked him to do in the past but did not get done, just recently my son called him to tell him that I was not happy with the way he did the weed eating so my H told him to go do it right, WOW!!!!, normally H would tell him he would talk to me about it and tell me I was being to hard on our son. He has been working with me instead of against me and man is that scary. I just look at him in amazement and say thank you I really appreciate that. I don't know if it will last but I plan on enjoying it while I can.

JessicaNAJ

I do that all the time. Why is it I feel I have to sit there and dwell on something? Hmmmmm...... don't know. Actually, though, I wasn't really trying all day to figure out what, if any, his motives were. I was thinking more along the lines of, "I can't believe he cut the grass and told me to relax". As of right now, I'm going to let it go.

Now, what can I do to relax?