Cajun girl

My A has been sober 2 wks. He has been attending some AA mtgs. (I don't ask anymore) I have been attending Al-anon, reading, etc. and trying to do more for myself. I have been patient with his increased need to sleep, and isolate, and depression. Today, after taking a 4 hr. nap I voiced my concern and asked if he was ok. (Was this wrong?) He said that yesturday when he went to play in a golf tournament, he had decided to drink. He said he was on his way to buy a beer when he ran into 2 AA buddies. He didn't drink yesturday. Now comes the honesty: He KNOWS our future is on the line with whether or not he can stay sober, he doesn't stay sober for himself or us, but because of running into 2 friends? I feel guilty for not feeling grateful he didn't drink. I feel guilty for not just commending him on his effort. My fear is escalating because I realize that he could drink at any minute without consideration to me, my kids, our future, and mostly himself...... Help.......

Ann

Cajun Girl

You can be grateful. Every day they don't drink or use is a miracle. And of course we get nervous, always wondering, but that just makes us sicker and has no impact on whether they pick up or not.

The best thing you can do is work on your recovery, and let him work his. The stronger you get, the less you will worry, and whether he stays sober or not will not remain the primary focus of your life.

Go to your meetings, read your literature and learn to work the steps - I promise it will make a significant difference in the quality of your life.

journeygal

Hi Cajun Girl,

I understand that escalating fear of realizing your A could drink again at any moment. Well, the truth of the matter is, yes, your A could drink again at any moment, be it 10 days, 10 months, or 10 years into sobriety. I came to this realization recently but I let go of it b/c there's nothing I can do and all it does is steal my peace.
As Ann said, the best thing you can do is work your recovery and let him work his.

When I first found recovery and slowly started detaching from my A's recovery, I thought, well it's ok to ask him every once in a while how he's feeling right? Well, trial and error made me realize that I had to let it go completely. And sure, it may be a lopsided thing b/c normally if you see someone you care about is upset or down you ask them what's wrong. Well, I realized it's best for me not to say or ask anything at all. I had to let it go. And once I really did, it released me from the stress of worrying about my A's recovery, and it released my A from the stress of dealing with MY stress! So now he occasionally will let me know how he's feeling or will spontaneously "share" with me about a bad dream, etc. It's worked out a lot better for both of us.

As for feeling guilty, don't worry about it. Of course you don't feel grateful or trusting of his effort. It's too soon. You need time, that's all. Keep working your program, things will get better!

JT

My thought was that his HP put those 2 AA friends there just at the right moment. And for that I would be grateful!

Hugs!
JT

Stephanie

I know you want him to want to stay sober for the sake of the relationship as opposed to 2 random people in AA. Believe me I totally understand that. I can't believe my husband knows how much I am against his using and that it threatens my sobriety yet he still chooses to do it. You want to feel important to them and you are. His using or not using has nothing to do with you. Let me give you a little insight into the addict mind as I was an active user for 15 years. Your husband is an alcoholic, alcoholics drink, that's what they do, that's what feels natural to them. Staying sober goes against every grain of their being and is very hard. One thing that does ruin their drinking is AA. Once you start to go to meetings it does a number on your denial. you know too much and you are more aware that you are screwing up your life. There's a lot of help and support in those rooms and many people who have relapsed, including myself, feel like they let down people in the rooms. Your husband running into those 2 AA members was a godsend. It was a reminder of his recovery program and the people in it. AA becomes the crucial and much needed crutch for addicts trying to recover. I have read about many people in alanon going through a lot of feelings of neglect when the A is going to meetings because it seems as if it becomes more important that they are. Well, i'll tell ya, it has to, it's the only way. It has to become the most important thing to them. We have a saying in AA. Whatever you put infront of your recovery, you'll lose.

I am really happy for you that he has found recovery. It's hard when the dynamic that you've known for so long changes. You're doing so great. I hope I was helpful with that little insight. You're one of the people I have been able ti identify with so much and your posts have really helped me. I'll pray for you guys.

Good luck

Searching

Cajun girl

Searching: Thank you so much for your insight. Hearing these struggles from one who knows the struggle is so helpful. I keep repeating to myself the saying, "Let Go, Let God" over and over. As the 2 AA members were a godsend for him, you guys are my godsend.