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Switching addictions

Old 06-15-2005, 05:06 PM
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sober in KY
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Switching addictions

I feel guilty coming back here after I've been gone for a while and was completely unsupportive of everyone else by not reading or responding to anything. I'm sorry, and I'll try to be around more in the future, even though I haven't even been around that long yet!

Anyway, my problem is that I'm an alcoholic. I've been "mostly" sober for about 5 months, but now I'm regressing back to past addictions, I think. I used to be anorexic. I gained a lot of weight over the past two years, but I've recently lost a good bit of it. The problem is that as much as I've tried to diet in a healthy way, even if I follow a low-cal or low-carb or whatever kind of diet plan, I will still GAIN weight. I literally have to push myself to the limit with diet and exercise to lose weight anymore. And I need to, because I'm not a naturally small person.

I've been living on approximately 300-600 calories per day for the past month. I was feeling pretty good, if tired, but it is almost like a high. Then today, I came home after work and I fainted. I never did that before. I was feeling kind of sick and then I got into the door and sort of blacked out and had to sit down. I woke up probably only a few seconds later, lying on my floor. It totally scared me, but even after that, I can't eat anything. I feel like anything I put into my mouth is going to make me literally sick.

I'm currently sitting here shaking and not sure what to do. I don't want to tell anyone. I guess I just wanted some "anonymous" advice. Thanks in advance.

~ashes
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Old 06-15-2005, 05:31 PM
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Ashes,
Go to your local ER and get help! You need to be "re-fed" properly and I think you need some professional help for that. Please take care and keep in touch!

Love and hugs,
Eddie
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Old 06-15-2005, 05:53 PM
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I'd agree, your body needs a lot more calories then your currently consuming to maintain proper functioning, I think 500 calories alone for just your brain. The low calorie diet your on should only be done under direct medical supervision. When sobering up our bodies have been so starved for proper nutrition it's very common to gain weight. I'd check with a doctor who specializes in nutrition and or eating disorders. Take this as a warning sign you need proper medical supervision and I'm sure that a dietician can help you develop a plan to maintain your desired weight without having the effects your experiencing.
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Old 06-15-2005, 06:37 PM
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Hi Ashes,

I hope you get the medical care you need and the above advice is really good.

You said you've been 'mostly' sober and that's a good step toward sobriety, but it's not quite there and that may be why you think you're returning to past addictions. The thing is that drinking/food/drugs is only a symptom. You need to deal with those issues of course, but it takes a lot of work on the inside as well. I really had to take a hard and realistic look at myself and begin to move forward and live my life in a way that suited me.

SR is a great place to visit for support and you don't need to feel guilty. What I find is that people here, me included, sometimes read and absorb and sometimes give. We do what we can to help ourselves and help each other.

Love, Anna
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Old 06-15-2005, 07:36 PM
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Hi Hunny, I can totally relate to your feelings about constantly thinking about yourself, I have the same problems, I call it my inner demons hauting me, My problems is I,m addicted to everthing and anything that makes me feel good, mostly opiates oxys, heroin, dilaudid etc, I have just recently relapsed because of depression and starving myself i was so weak and unable to think straight, my fiance is in the hospital for over a week now, and he is my rock, the only person i can be on the level with other than My lord JESUS CHRIST, But anyway, I bromke down and relapsed on heroin and turned aroungds and attended a NA MEETING, I did,nt share, i just listened and prayed, but if i did,nt go to the fellowship my relapse would have been much worse, and i possibly may not be here alive and typing to you, my guilt is overwhelming ma, But i am extremely thankful that there was a meeting i could attend, because i came home and got ris of all the drugs in my home, being here by myself i did,nt trust what might happen, i was scared to even come home, i, have a fear of being alone, I,m not a kid either i,m 40 yrs old and have been a Alcoholic/addict since i was 7 or 8 yrs old growing up in jersey, Thanx for allowing me too share my story with you, it is keeping me from doing something extremely stupid, and i am fighting the urges from now on to go out and score more drugs, or even go to a bar and i have,nt drank in 3 years due to the fact i gave myself Hep c and my liver is shot. But babe, if u have any urges to drinkl , pray to u r higher power for strength, about your passing out i would talk to a doctor, You need to eat and take vitamins, it sounds as if your body is extremely drained, If youy can attend a AA meeting or call someone, my nerves keep me from eating, the stress has totally kept me from being happy go lucky me, i have been sober for 30 days up until this past week and it is ripping my heart out, but i have been told that i did,nt blow it, it is just part of recovery, and everyone almost everyone goes through it. It is a learning process, and indeed, i learned alot, actually it scared the **** out of me, i did a shot one bag of dope and my whole arm swelled up with hives scared the holy **** out of me i ran ice water all over it and it has gone back to normal, but OMG WHAT A TRIP, obviously it was cut with some bad **** and i must have missed a little because it was really scary, I threw everything away, spoon, needle dope everthing, and i got out my steps and practised them and prayed hard, and gave thanks i was still alive and did,nt OD, I have a 20 yr old daughter a 16 yr old son and a beautiful granddaughter she,ll be 10 months old on the 20th, its breaking my heart that this battle is so hard and i was doing so ******* good then boom, I have come to a conclusion too surround myself with good people, no negativeity, and do my 90 meetings in 90 days all over and over till its stuck down deep, because i am very selfish and am not thinking about all the people whom love me, and i just think about my pain and fear, and anger, i,m scared to death to live sober its all i know but it sober or dead and I WANT TO LIVE , ONE DAY AT A TIME GOD BLESS YOU SWEETIE I HOPE I HELPED YOU SOMEHOW BY EXPRESSING THE ORDEAL I,M GOING THROUGH, I am one who substitutes anything for anything, when i was drinking i was druging, when i was drugging i was drinking, STAY SOBER, FOLLOW THE STEPS. LOVE TO ALL, THIS IS A AWESOME SIGHT, GOD IS A AWESOME GOD!!!
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Old 06-15-2005, 07:49 PM
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Thanks for sharing, Opiate Addict!

Love and hugs,
eddie
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Old 06-15-2005, 07:52 PM
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Thanks so much to all of you for reading and responding. I really needed it tonight. I still do.

The thing about the anorexia is that I KNOW how bad it can be and I've been there, down to the bottom. I know that it's stupid and I know what I should do. The ironic thing is that I can't do it. I try to eat and I want to throw up, and I've never been bulimic or anything. I'm actually afraid that if I eat I will throw up because I have had pleurisy twice in three years and I broke ribs first from coughing, then from vomiting. I'm scared to death to get sick because of that time, puking red wine and feeling my side split in half. I didn't think I'd make it up off the bathroom floor.

Opiate_addictsu: Thank you for sharing your story with me. It does help to know that you aren't alone, especially when you are trying for recovery. I have a lot of respect for anyone who even tries at this point. I'm still trying though.

What should I eat that won't make me sick at this point? I'm afraid it wouldn't make it far down before it'd have to come back up!

~ashes
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Old 06-15-2005, 07:58 PM
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You're welcome, Ashes! My vote is still that you go to the hospital, though. You'll be in my prayers tonight!

Love and hugs,
Eddie
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Old 06-15-2005, 08:06 PM
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fOOD

Thanks guys, I am fighting to be strong just like everyone else, ASHES , WHY DONT YOU TRY ANYTHING BLAND, MASHED POTATOES , Or DRY TOASTBut u need to get some nourishment someone stated about your body being depleted from vitamins etc, they are absolutely right, drink some fluids and eat anything u think u can keep down, but u dont want to get dehydrated and weak from no nourishment, i am trying to do the same, my nerves are causing me to get sick, i have been trying pastas, so far so good, i just want my baby to come home, its lonely battling this ordeal by yourself, thanks for the comfort from this site, you are all wonderful encouragement.I could never discuss anythinglike this with my mother or my kids. love to u Hang in there ashes!!
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Old 06-15-2005, 08:41 PM
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Thanks for the suggestions. I can't eat white bread/rice/pasta kind of stuff. It has to be low-carb, or at least "clean" food (mostly unprocessed.)

I tried to eat a whole-grain Wasa Cracker (one of the few foods I still have in my fridge) and after half of it I had to throw up. (Sorry for being gross.) Maybe it was that I was so careful and anticipating it. Anyway, I just got done crying for about a half-hour and I really don't know quite why. I really want to be drunk, but I have nothing to drink, and I also know that that would be the worst thing to do.

I can't go to the hospital. I really just can't. Or maybe I won't. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

~ashes
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Old 06-15-2005, 09:54 PM
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You can go to a hospital ER room and tell them that you are faint, explain your caloric intake and your other symptoms. They will take you in, and at least give you a drip of essencial nutrients. You are at serious risk of doing permenant damage. PLEASE GO...NOW! As for not telling anyone....get over it. Seriously. You need to get help.

Your problem is not about food, it is about control...or lack of contol. Alcohol is about losing control and your anorexia is about gaining the control back, even if it kills you...and it will. If you could only get control of yourself, your family, your diet, your life....everything would be ok. You think that if you can show yourself and others that you are thin, that you are beautiful, that you are worth it....that you'll stop hurting, you'll start to love yourself. What is thin? 10 less? 20 less? Just a few more pounds than now, and a few more after that, and a couple after that...etc. You don't need food. Sure you are hungry...but YOU ARE IN CONTROL. You have shown your body that you don't NEED anything but yourself, a few rice cakes, and some water. Alcohol? You don't need that either. You have a mission, and you'll finish it....whether your body makes it or not.

E.D.'s as a group have one of the highest mortality rates out of any diag. group. Anorexia has the highest mortality rates for ANY diagnosis in the DSM-IV (8%-10%+). These mortality rates are because your body is literally eating itself alive. A 'diet' of 300-600 calories a day is not a diet...it is a death sentence. (It is the equivilant amount of calories that a person in a concentration camp would receive...literally a few pieces of bread) Your body cannot substain, even for a short time, on this caloric intake without doing damage.

Now I'll give you something to read, but you won't like it. I"m not going to candy coat it. I'm going to walk you through the initial restriction, subsequent starvation, and eventual organ failure/coma/death. This is what can happen if you don't get help.

When your body lacks calories, it starts to conserve, your metabolism slows down, and it starts to feed off of the stored fat AND muscle. The conversation of fat and muscle is not done evenly, and it is not a pleasant process. Aching muscles, headaches, fainting, sharp pains, etc. Fatigue is normal and will start to creep in more and more. Short term memory loss is common, and blurry vision will come and go. Your hair will become frail, your nails cracked, your skin almost translucent, and increased body hair (to help hold in heat). Fainting will happen more often because your body cannot substain. If left untreated, you can become unconscious, and may or may not regain consciousness.

Your organs will adjust too. Your stomach will constrict, your acid level will rise, your stomach lining will deteriorate more quickly. Your stomach will actually look bigger, just like the starving children you see on TV at 2:45am. Your brain will start to lose clarity because your body doesn't have enough nutrients to go around. Blood tests will show all of your levels will be out of wack. Your kidney and liver....not working at full capacity. The biggest problem....your heart. Your heart is a muscle, and it needs nutrients. You have a heightened risk of developing weakened heart walls, and possible holes if it continues.

If you don't tell someone, they'll find out sooner or later, hopefully before you do any serious damage. If you thought alcohol did damage, it doesn't compare to anorexia.

I am sorry if this was harsh, but this is what will happen.

-pedagogue
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Old 06-16-2005, 04:50 AM
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Pedagogue, I read your post and it made me cry. Maybe I'm still feeling a little emotional this morning or something.

But the things you said, as much as I appreciate even the brutal honesty... I know all of that. The thing is that right now I am not at starvation point; I still have enough fat on me that I don't worry about that yet. At one point, a couple years ago, I WAS at that point and I remember lying in bed at night and aching because even though I was built like an athlete (muscular, but thin) I would feel my bones poking into the mattress and look at the protruding bones on my wrists... with a feeling of fear (I could die in my sleep) and pride (look what I can do.) You're right; it is a power thing, and I'm constantly going back and forth with that. You hit it head on.

Point is... I'm not stupid, but I feel stupid because I can't get my life back into control. It's ironic because other things in my life ARE going pretty good, and maybe that has even contributed to the way I've been treating myself.

I will visit the ED forums later today when I have a chance. Right now I have to get ready for work and I'm already going to be late.

~ashes
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Old 06-16-2005, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by pedagogue
If you thought alcohol did damage, it doesn't compare to anorexia.


-pedagogue
Okay, this was the one thing that I didn't know. Is this true?

~ashes
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Old 06-16-2005, 05:51 AM
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E.D.'s as a group have one of the highest mortality rates out of any diag. group. Anorexia has the highest mortality rates for ANY diagnosis in the DSM-IV (8%-10%+).
Do you really want to end up dead or, perhaps worse, like Terry Schiavo? Please get professional help soon, Ashes. If you can't seem to eat on your own, you probably need some IV nutrition for a while. Your stomach is obviously malfunctioning already.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-16-2005, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Ashes
Okay, this was the one thing that I didn't know. Is this true?

~ashes
It is very true. Alcohol takes prolonged use/abuse and slowly degrades the body. Anorexia's timeframe is much shorter, and the damage longer lasting. Your body literally is canabalizing itself, as opposed to alcohol, which acts more like a poison.

Please feel free to PM me with any questions, or post them here, and I can try and answer them for you.

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Old 06-16-2005, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by pedagogue
It is very true. Alcohol takes prolonged use/abuse and slowly degrades the body. Anorexia's timeframe is much shorter, and the damage longer lasting. Your body literally is canabalizing itself, as opposed to alcohol, which acts more like a poison.

Please feel free to PM me with any questions, or post them here, and I can try and answer them for you.

-pedagogue
Okay, I have a question. (Thanks for the offer!) If I'm still not underweight (actually a bit overweight) does that rule still apply? Won't I burn fat first? And does it matter how I do it, as far as exercising while restricting calories and stuff? Sorry; I guess that was more than one question! Thanks in advance.

~ashes
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Old 06-16-2005, 07:25 AM
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hi.i relapsed yesterday too.only smoked a little bit of h.but i was on a de tox from subutex and i couldnt handle it.ive never been able to handle it,and im starting to think ill have to be on sub for ever.whenever its out of my system i become filled with a great fear and panic.i think im scared of myself in some way.im sorry for you and me too.i can only seem to pray and meditate when im on subutex.when i need to do it clean it dosnt work.i feel defeated.and weak.i cant do it.
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Old 06-16-2005, 07:32 AM
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Hi, ashes,
You've gotten a lot of very good advice. I don't have medical background, but when my mother underwent chemo she basically stopped eating until she was fainting. The doctor informed her that it was starvation. She began drinking two cans a day of Ensure (there are various similar products), which she found barely palatable but which provided adequate nutrition. Regardless of what else you do, go buy a case of the stuff and start drinking it if you can.
I wouldn't worry about exercising under your present circumstances.
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Old 06-16-2005, 07:39 AM
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Ashes, peda will probably answer your question soon,but i wanted to say that from what I'm heard & seen, people with anorexia see themselves with more fat than they actually have. From reasding what you've already said, I think that you're already much skinnier than you realize & much much more depleted than you think. Please get to a hospital & get the help you need. They will help you get on a particular food plan with just the right amount of calories that will sustain you & keep you at a healthy weight & then you won't have to think about your weight you'll know you're the right size for you're body build, no matter what you think you see in the mirror. Sometimes that reflection can trick us. As for the power trip, I can only see that you are showing that you have the power to commit suicide by depriving your body of what it needs & that's not power because anyone can do that. Please get the help you need before it's too late. You are worth it !!!!!!
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Old 06-16-2005, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Don S
I wouldn't worry about exercising under your present circumstances.
Don S
Does that mean that exercising is okay, or that I shouldn't do it?

~ashes
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