fishyfishy

I had another drink last night. Luckily for me and others i didnt have too much but i still feel so ashamed of myself. I mean, ok, people fall of the horse but twice in a week? and i knew exactly what i was doing. Im so ******* fed up with this crap. I have tryed and just cant do it. I want to stop so much but everything just gets to much for me in my head sometimes. I know it needs to be delbt with and i need to see a counciler as well as going to AA. AA, thats another thing. Im to scared to go back. When i went to a meeting after my last relaps i told everyone and they respected me for that, but how am i suppose to tell them i drank again? arrrrrr! i hate myself so much!!!!!!! also, there is this one lady at AA who thinks she knows it all, she made me feel reallly bad the last time, i just dont know if i can face her again. I know i have failed and already feel bad, i dont need anyone rubbing it in! I felt stronger after i had the drink before and i wasnt beating myself up, but this time? i deserve to be beaten up. I should have learned from it. I need to get a sponcer and start working on the steps, i know i do, but how? im to scared and ashamed to go back.

Please help me, my head is pickled. I just want out of this crap and to be normal. No cravings, no shame, no worring, and no hard work. I just wish i never drank in the first place. I wish alchol didnt exist, then i wouldnt be in this state, i HATE it!!!

tyler

Sorry to hear about you drinking again, but whipping yourself and feeling bad will not help you at all. Feeling bad about yourself is probably part of what made you drink again anyway. What you need to do IMHO, is figure out why you keep slipping. Are you puting youself in situations where alcohol is readily available? Are you hanging around with people who are drinking and are not concerned with your sobriety? What are you feeling when you make the decision to drink and what can you do differently when you feel that way? I've been in your shoes as far as relapse and AA, or in my case NA goes, and I know what you mean about it being hard to go back. If you are getting the suupport there you need, you just need to suck it up and go back. If not, you may want to consider other programs such as SMART or Lifering. They have tools to help you identify the thought process that makes you want to drink and combat it before you take that first drink. Many people use these tools and AA together. The most important thing to try to figure out is why you are making the choice to drink, even though you don't want to, and don't just say "because I'm an alcoholic". While that may be true, too many people use it as a cop out. Good luck to you and get back on your feet. Recovery is a process, muck like learning to walk. You may fall, but as long as you learn from your mistakes, it is all a means to the end.

earlybird

thats ok,.....all you have to do is just NOT sit at that ladies table. Or,..go to a completely different meeting if you feel uncomfortable at first. What matters is that you get the help YOU need. Not if you are PLEASING anyone along the way.

CarolD

it is hard to quit drinking. I was in AA for 5 years before I earned a 1 year medallion. Duh!

Bonnie...just go to a meeting.

Good to see you here again...

FaeryQueen

Fishy
Walk in that meeting with your head up. This is what alcoholics do...we drink....that is why we are alcoholics...we crave, we have crazy thinking. If anyone in that meeting is judging you for relapsing then maybe they need to reevalute their own program.
If you truly want to stop drinking get a sponsor at your next meeting, tell them what you are telling us, THAT YOU ARE READY TO STOP THE INSANITY. You must get on with the steps. They will free you of the obsession. They will clear out all that fuzzy thinking. You never have to drink again. Take the ACTIONS you know you need to take.
Peace and Love to You
Tanya

fishyfishy

Thank you all for your words. I know i cannot go on feeling sorry for myself. To be honest though, im still scared to go back to AA. Reallly scared. I have been to all the meetings so know alot of people there. I dont want them to judge me. But i deserve to be judged i know. I feel i was offered help and i just refused it. I feel so ungratefull.

indigo

Don't feel bad girl it's the way with recovery, keep thinking about your sober days and live in the now that last drink might very well be "that last drink" you can do it. Without the shame and guilt stand tall hold your head up and start again.

Hugs indigo