Musings of a CoDe
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Musings of a CoDe
Beattie's book has really gotten me thinking (it's about time something did, lol). I also saw the 13 characteristics of an ACOA over on the ACOA board, and that's gotten me thinking too. I see so much of myself in both of those....so much of what I thought was "just me" - are typical ACOA characteristics. And it's made me wonder what I'm really like under the blanket of "characteristics." Since there are typical characteristics of ACOA's and Al-Anons...are we just that - a bunch of specific characteristics ? What happened to our "true" personalities ? Are they just hidden underneath all the crap, or did they get forced out, so we're just molded into these traits ? I'm looking forward to working on these things, and I'm excited to learn about who I am underneath all that stuff, but it's also a little scary...I'm 34 years old and suddenly feel like I have no clue who I am ! There's GOT to be more to me than the damage I've survived, these "traits" or "characteristics" of being an ACOA.
I don't know if my rambling made any sense at all...I hope it did....anybody else encounter this kind of feeling ?
I don't know if my rambling made any sense at all...I hope it did....anybody else encounter this kind of feeling ?
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
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I understand what you are saying. We lose our true selves when we spend our lives reacting to alcoholic parents, and loved ones. Following Alanon is helping me find myself again. I'm 45, and I'm realizing now that I have a lot more work to do - on me! (better late than never) 
Robin
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Hi HWGA!
The way I like to look at it is that while I have developed some CoDe characteristics (because of my childhood and other life experiences) they do not necessarily define who I am. On top of that, some of those characteristics aren't necessarily bad to have. I think Beattie makes the statement at some point that these characteristics have even saved us at times, and so they do/did serve a purpose. It's up to us to decide whether or not we still need them, or how we might adjust them to better serve us.
One of personality characteristics is that I love to joke around and laugh. Sometimes I use my sense of humor to disarm tense situations. I was a true clown growing up, mostly because I hated the tension when my Dad was mad and screaming at my brother or sisters... so I acted out to distract him and lighten things back up. So is being funny bad? No, but do I sometimes use that to change the subject instead of dealing with the issues?? Absolutely, and that's where it's up to me to recognize that my CoDe characteristic of "bomb diffusing" needs to go! I need to start recognized when I'm in situations that make me uncomfortable, and start dealing with the situation if it's even mine to deal with.
A good example, something that I've been working on improving... B gets irritated really easy, especially by other drivers (especially slow ones), traffic laws (he HATES sitting at traffic lights!), and having to wait for ANYTHING! The "old" me, would get really uncomfortable by him yelling and carrying on like a lunatic, so I would try making jokes and distracting him. It rarely worked because all he would do is redirect the anger/energy at me. What I learned when I started my recovery was that I was trying to take responsibility for how Brian was feeling... which is obsurd because I had no control over the other cars or traffic lights. I did have some control over making him wait sometimes, so I decided that from there on out I would make sure I would be more punctual. If I ran late and irked him, I took responsibility and did the best I could to make amends. For the rest of the crap... I ignore it. I let him rant and rave and look like a jerk, and I sit and think quietly to myself or listen to the music on the radio. I have told him that I will not tolerate aggressive driving or road rage while I'm in the car though... that's my boundary. And it's been a huge relief... he doesn't carry on like he used to, and I think it's mostly because I'm not "provoking" him anymore, and I'm no longer the direct target of his verbal garbage.
I'll still love my sense of humor... and I have no intentions of getting rid of it... I'm just learning better ways to use it!
Just my 2 cents :-)
Shannon
The way I like to look at it is that while I have developed some CoDe characteristics (because of my childhood and other life experiences) they do not necessarily define who I am. On top of that, some of those characteristics aren't necessarily bad to have. I think Beattie makes the statement at some point that these characteristics have even saved us at times, and so they do/did serve a purpose. It's up to us to decide whether or not we still need them, or how we might adjust them to better serve us.
One of personality characteristics is that I love to joke around and laugh. Sometimes I use my sense of humor to disarm tense situations. I was a true clown growing up, mostly because I hated the tension when my Dad was mad and screaming at my brother or sisters... so I acted out to distract him and lighten things back up. So is being funny bad? No, but do I sometimes use that to change the subject instead of dealing with the issues?? Absolutely, and that's where it's up to me to recognize that my CoDe characteristic of "bomb diffusing" needs to go! I need to start recognized when I'm in situations that make me uncomfortable, and start dealing with the situation if it's even mine to deal with.
A good example, something that I've been working on improving... B gets irritated really easy, especially by other drivers (especially slow ones), traffic laws (he HATES sitting at traffic lights!), and having to wait for ANYTHING! The "old" me, would get really uncomfortable by him yelling and carrying on like a lunatic, so I would try making jokes and distracting him. It rarely worked because all he would do is redirect the anger/energy at me. What I learned when I started my recovery was that I was trying to take responsibility for how Brian was feeling... which is obsurd because I had no control over the other cars or traffic lights. I did have some control over making him wait sometimes, so I decided that from there on out I would make sure I would be more punctual. If I ran late and irked him, I took responsibility and did the best I could to make amends. For the rest of the crap... I ignore it. I let him rant and rave and look like a jerk, and I sit and think quietly to myself or listen to the music on the radio. I have told him that I will not tolerate aggressive driving or road rage while I'm in the car though... that's my boundary. And it's been a huge relief... he doesn't carry on like he used to, and I think it's mostly because I'm not "provoking" him anymore, and I'm no longer the direct target of his verbal garbage.
I'll still love my sense of humor... and I have no intentions of getting rid of it... I'm just learning better ways to use it!
Just my 2 cents :-)
Shannon
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Originally Posted by robina
We lose our true selves when we spend our lives reacting to alcoholic parents, and loved ones.
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The point is though... that my sense of humor (among other things of course!) developed as a coping mechanism to the verbal abuse. It served to protect me (and sometimes my siblings too!) from the physical abuse that would have followed right behind the yelling and screaming. I've been reading the follow up to Codependent No More (I think it's Beyond Codepency?!?) and she talks about taking the CoDe characteristics and making them work for us!
We are who we are. We can't change the fact that we had dysfunctional childhoods, and like it or not, we had our development though it may not have been a "normal" or better yet, HEALTHY one. In spite of all that happened in the past, I love who I have become. I have always been fiercely motivated towards being the best... which comes from competiting for the limited attention that was available. There are certainly times that I push the competition too far, and do need to learn to relax and learn that perfection is impossible. BUT... the positive side of it is that I have achieved things in my 29 years of life that some take twice as long to do! I'm really proud of my accomplishments and I couldn't have done it without that CoDe characteristic!
I still have plenty of room for improvement, and some of my coping mechanisms are no longer needed... so I'm here... working on my recovery. But ultimately, I still very much love who I am... and like it or not, I have my parents to thank for that!
We are who we are. We can't change the fact that we had dysfunctional childhoods, and like it or not, we had our development though it may not have been a "normal" or better yet, HEALTHY one. In spite of all that happened in the past, I love who I have become. I have always been fiercely motivated towards being the best... which comes from competiting for the limited attention that was available. There are certainly times that I push the competition too far, and do need to learn to relax and learn that perfection is impossible. BUT... the positive side of it is that I have achieved things in my 29 years of life that some take twice as long to do! I'm really proud of my accomplishments and I couldn't have done it without that CoDe characteristic!
I still have plenty of room for improvement, and some of my coping mechanisms are no longer needed... so I'm here... working on my recovery. But ultimately, I still very much love who I am... and like it or not, I have my parents to thank for that!
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Originally Posted by GettingBy
The point is though... that my sense of humor (among other things of course!) developed as a coping mechanism to the verbal abuse.
Originally Posted by GettingBy
I've been reading the follow up to Codependent No More (I think it's Beyond Codepency?!?) and she talks about taking the CoDe characteristics and making them work for us!
Originally Posted by GettingBy
We are who we are. We can't change the fact that we had dysfunctional childhoods, and like it or not, we had our development though it may not have been a "normal" or better yet, HEALTHY one.
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Originally Posted by herewegoagain
Yup, I know....I think I'm starting to get stuck in "what could have been"....is that a normal, healthy grieivng process, or am I in danger of wallowing in self-pity ?
Take for example:
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
I am BOTH of those... almost too an extreme! I have a hard time lightening up in certain situations. Good example, when I'm hanging out with a group of people that are all drinking, I have a hard time relaxing and having fun. I'm usually too preoccupied with worry about how much everyone is drinking, who's driving, etc. The problem with that is that I miss out on the "party" b/c I can't relax and laugh.
The flip side, I don't tend to make very "risky" decisions, expecially when my life is at stake. People can depend on me to be safe. I am the one who will go to the party and have 1 drink, and then switch to water. I don't race like a crazy woman on my motorcycle... it's just not safe.
Either way, I'm learning to ease up on my seriousness b/c that's the only way I'm going to be able to start having fun! I'm not going to let it all go though, b/c like I said, some of that seriousness has saved my life!
The key is to learn to love yourself. There will always be things you don't like, but don't hate yourself for them... just work on improving them! If there is something different that you wanted for your life... then focus on that... and make it happen!
Again... just my 2 cents... coming from some one whose family put the dys in dysfunctional!!
Shannon
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Originally Posted by GettingBy
Again... just my 2 cents... coming from some one whose family put the dys in dysfunctional!!
Shannon
Shannon
Thanks for your "two cents"....pretty valuable stuff there !
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Actually, I'm really glad you started this thread!! It was extremelly theraputic for me to sit and write all of that out. It helped to walk through a lot of the disconnected thoughts bouncing through my head.
I was really beating myself up for a while thinking I was all bad and needed all this work. Again, it came down to black & white thinking. I'm not all bad, and actually I have a lot of good to offer! I just have to learn to see the 'bad' in new perspectives so I can either appreciate it for what it is, or throw it out if it's of no use!
My family was (and probably still is!) very dysfunctional, but I have found ways to love them all in spite of it. They all have changed, and aren't really the people they once were 20+ years ago. I had an opportunity to spend some time with my parents last night. My mother really truly loves my father, and really enjoys his company. She has forgiven him, and I respect her for that. I don't understand it, but I still respect her for it. I'm sure they have grown together, and work through alot of the issues that I'm still stuck on... and maybe that's why she can hug him and laugh with him. Either way, they are human and it's good to see them happy. It's also good to look at my sisters and brother and see them grow and learn. It amazings me how we all went through our childhood together, and all turned out so different... yet so much the same!
I know you posted yesterday about your brother, and so I would imagine that you're pretty much in the same place I am with my older sister. I appreciate the fact that I can talk openly with her about my feelings and the things I'm doing to improve my life. She has been a good sounding board for what our childhood really was. She has also given me some good perspective on how to accept that it is the past, and there's nothing we can do about it. My other sister has no use for recovery, and that's okay. I just don't open up certain parts of me to her because I know she really won't understand.
Thanks again for the thought provoking conversation!!!
Shannon
I was really beating myself up for a while thinking I was all bad and needed all this work. Again, it came down to black & white thinking. I'm not all bad, and actually I have a lot of good to offer! I just have to learn to see the 'bad' in new perspectives so I can either appreciate it for what it is, or throw it out if it's of no use!
My family was (and probably still is!) very dysfunctional, but I have found ways to love them all in spite of it. They all have changed, and aren't really the people they once were 20+ years ago. I had an opportunity to spend some time with my parents last night. My mother really truly loves my father, and really enjoys his company. She has forgiven him, and I respect her for that. I don't understand it, but I still respect her for it. I'm sure they have grown together, and work through alot of the issues that I'm still stuck on... and maybe that's why she can hug him and laugh with him. Either way, they are human and it's good to see them happy. It's also good to look at my sisters and brother and see them grow and learn. It amazings me how we all went through our childhood together, and all turned out so different... yet so much the same!
I know you posted yesterday about your brother, and so I would imagine that you're pretty much in the same place I am with my older sister. I appreciate the fact that I can talk openly with her about my feelings and the things I'm doing to improve my life. She has been a good sounding board for what our childhood really was. She has also given me some good perspective on how to accept that it is the past, and there's nothing we can do about it. My other sister has no use for recovery, and that's okay. I just don't open up certain parts of me to her because I know she really won't understand.
Thanks again for the thought provoking conversation!!!
Shannon
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