I want to thank...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I want to thank...
...those of you that attended my meltdown.
Ward is alive...
. In fact he doesn't even know his life was in danger. Something I have learned the hard way is to shutup.
What I have done for myself in the last couple days is read everything I own on acceptance and the first step. I had gotten way off track and I was making myself sick. Years ago I had physical symptoms because of the stress I was experiencing and they were back. The past couple of weeks I have had trouble sleeping again...people call them committee meetings when thoughts are running around your mind and you can't turn them off. Even last night sleep was hard to grab.
The thing I was struggling with...acceptance...is back. Acceptance is not saying it is ok, it has nothing to do with complacency or looking the other way. It is the not so simple act of ackowledging what is. We are the ones that make it hard by not wanting to face reality.
Given my history the last thing I want is an alcoholic husband. And given my years of recovery I am still apparently very capable of denying what I don't want to accept. When I was crying and said to my HP (who I choose to call my ceiling...lol) "What did I do to deserve this??" I knew I was in deep doo doo. I have been carrying this message for way to long not to answer myself.
"Excuse me, who the hell do you think you are? This has nothing to do with you!" When Mike was 12 stepping me I wanted to reach through the screen and grab him by his throat! Sorry Mike...
But the fact of the matter is, even as difficult as this has been, it is not like the first time...or even the 2nd. That was my biggest fear...going back. But this time I have experience and I know what works for me. I already have everything Al Anon has to offer. I will be going back to the beginning as an affirmation and for comfort, not to the original struggles. And I know that the peace and stabilty that I strive for is mine alone to achieve...it has very little to do with Ward.
Hugs of gratitude all around!
JT
Ward is alive...
. In fact he doesn't even know his life was in danger. Something I have learned the hard way is to shutup. What I have done for myself in the last couple days is read everything I own on acceptance and the first step. I had gotten way off track and I was making myself sick. Years ago I had physical symptoms because of the stress I was experiencing and they were back. The past couple of weeks I have had trouble sleeping again...people call them committee meetings when thoughts are running around your mind and you can't turn them off. Even last night sleep was hard to grab.
The thing I was struggling with...acceptance...is back. Acceptance is not saying it is ok, it has nothing to do with complacency or looking the other way. It is the not so simple act of ackowledging what is. We are the ones that make it hard by not wanting to face reality.
Given my history the last thing I want is an alcoholic husband. And given my years of recovery I am still apparently very capable of denying what I don't want to accept. When I was crying and said to my HP (who I choose to call my ceiling...lol) "What did I do to deserve this??" I knew I was in deep doo doo. I have been carrying this message for way to long not to answer myself.
"Excuse me, who the hell do you think you are? This has nothing to do with you!" When Mike was 12 stepping me I wanted to reach through the screen and grab him by his throat! Sorry Mike...
But the fact of the matter is, even as difficult as this has been, it is not like the first time...or even the 2nd. That was my biggest fear...going back. But this time I have experience and I know what works for me. I already have everything Al Anon has to offer. I will be going back to the beginning as an affirmation and for comfort, not to the original struggles. And I know that the peace and stabilty that I strive for is mine alone to achieve...it has very little to do with Ward.
Hugs of gratitude all around!
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((JT)))
You're a star.
It doesn't matter how long we're in this programme, we sometimes still need reminders. And whatever happens, you will be fine. All you need to do is pick up the tools when they are handed to you and I'm so glad that's what you're doing.
Good job.
Love
Minnie
xxx
You're a star.
It doesn't matter how long we're in this programme, we sometimes still need reminders. And whatever happens, you will be fine. All you need to do is pick up the tools when they are handed to you and I'm so glad that's what you're doing.
Good job.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hey JT,when you post, that going back was your fear,i remember this was my fear too,i can so relate.Going back to the way i was.Seems throughtout my recovery sometimes,im 1 step forward and 3 steps back.Thats how it felt/looked like to me.I was so in fear,of being the person that i was.My sponsor,one day said to me,that i have no more need to fear this any longer.She said,im somewhat like an, elastic,that once you stretch it,,can ..never...go back to its orginal form,no matter how hard ya try to get it back.Try it.Get an elastic,stretch it,and see how it won't return to its orginal shape,ever..Everytime im feeling down,i think about this elastic,and having been in recovery with my tools,i will never be able to go back to the person that i brought into the rooms,,ever.If i allow myself i can get close,but,never exactly as i once was.The fear has left me,through the Grace of God.
Thanks for sharring JT,
Keep On Keeping on....One Day At A Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for sharring JT,
Keep On Keeping on....One Day At A Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Cap...I think that fear has finally left me too. If this didn't do it I can't imagine what could. I am not the same person...I have knowledge of things I didn't have then. And I am unbelievably grateful for that.
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
JT, sorry I wasn' there for your meltdown. I am glad that Ward is ok. YOu know I am in the same position as you, watching someone kill themselves slowly with alcohol. It is so painful, like slow torture.
You have been such a blessing to me over the past four years. I really don't know how I could have made it without you. My prayers are with you today, so peace and stability.
You have been such a blessing to me over the past four years. I really don't know how I could have made it without you. My prayers are with you today, so peace and stability.
Supply Manager
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Well Hi Rose...it's been a while! You really should have attended. It was spectacular!
I am so glad I could be a small help to you, but you are one strong cookie and have done this yourself.
Thanks for the prayers!
Hugs,
JT
I am so glad I could be a small help to you, but you are one strong cookie and have done this yourself.
Thanks for the prayers!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by JT
... When Mike was 12 stepping me I wanted to reach through the screen and grab him by his throat! Sorry Mike...
You can grab me by the throat anytime. All it will get you is dragged to the nearest meeting 
You've been there for me during my meltdown, I'll gladly walk this road beside you anytime, anywhere.
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
Mike :-)
[ now i have and excuse to buy a turtleneck sweater, to hide the bruises around my neck *lol*]
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Dang! *snaps fingers*
I hate it when I miss a good meltdown!
There have been many times that, despite ___ years in Al-Anon, my behavior is that of someone who couldn't spell recovery with the dictionary open. It's times like those that I've forgotten that the pain is not in the acceptance but in my resistance to the acceptance.
Sometimes my faith runs away and leaves fear in charge. Thank God for the first three Steps, 'cos that's where I go to get it back.
I heard someone share this once, and it seems applicable:
"I'm sober in AA 14 years and I'm in Al-Anon 12 years. That means I haven't had a drink in 14 years and I haven't tried to control another human being in, oh... [looks at watch] about twenty minutes.
I love that story 'cos I can relate!
I hate it when I miss a good meltdown!
There have been many times that, despite ___ years in Al-Anon, my behavior is that of someone who couldn't spell recovery with the dictionary open. It's times like those that I've forgotten that the pain is not in the acceptance but in my resistance to the acceptance.
Sometimes my faith runs away and leaves fear in charge. Thank God for the first three Steps, 'cos that's where I go to get it back.
I heard someone share this once, and it seems applicable:
"I'm sober in AA 14 years and I'm in Al-Anon 12 years. That means I haven't had a drink in 14 years and I haven't tried to control another human being in, oh... [looks at watch] about twenty minutes.
I love that story 'cos I can relate!
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