parental acknowledgement of failures and successes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
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parental acknowledgement of failures and successes
Hi Everyone,
I have a question here:
Did anyone ever find that one or both of their parents either didn't acknowledge any success you achieved or seemed almost relieved when you failed at something and that was acknowledged in big neon lights?
Or when you do something for yourself that you are happy with it is never enough for them and they get into well you SHOULD have done this and you SHOULD have done that....................
So you end up telling them nothing about your life because it is never good enough anyway................
Ngaire
P.S Thanks for the PM NOCELLPHONE.
I have a question here:
Did anyone ever find that one or both of their parents either didn't acknowledge any success you achieved or seemed almost relieved when you failed at something and that was acknowledged in big neon lights?
Or when you do something for yourself that you are happy with it is never enough for them and they get into well you SHOULD have done this and you SHOULD have done that....................
So you end up telling them nothing about your life because it is never good enough anyway................
Ngaire
P.S Thanks for the PM NOCELLPHONE.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Ngaire hi!
My parents have been so busy being self absorbed that I was never really a blip on their radar screens. It's funny...or not...but I never really got that until an old friend said to me that she never thought they cared about me. Ouch! I never really had a curfew and I thought that was pretty cool and it was through my own efforts that I never abused that. All my friends had to be home at a certain time so I figured that must be right so I followed suit. Ouch again! Even then I conformed to what I "thought" the outside world wanted me to be.
Oh, and no real acknowledgment of achievement. My mother didn't attend my wedding because my father did.
Hugs,
JT
My parents have been so busy being self absorbed that I was never really a blip on their radar screens. It's funny...or not...but I never really got that until an old friend said to me that she never thought they cared about me. Ouch! I never really had a curfew and I thought that was pretty cool and it was through my own efforts that I never abused that. All my friends had to be home at a certain time so I figured that must be right so I followed suit. Ouch again! Even then I conformed to what I "thought" the outside world wanted me to be.
Oh, and no real acknowledgment of achievement. My mother didn't attend my wedding because my father did.
Hugs,
JT
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
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Interestingly, even in the depths of her addictions (drugs, unhealthy relationships, drama), my mom was always right there to acknowledge what successes I did manage to have (Dad, unfortunately, was "out there" somewhere chasing his addictions). Mom supported and encouraged me as well as I could ever want. So what's the problem, you ask...?
The problem is that my deeply entrenched sense of shame--I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, nobody really loves me, they're all gonna leave me anyway (just like dad)--made it impossible for any of that well-meaning good stuff to get in. My shame was a wall through which no light could penetrate, but I couldn't express this so nobody knew (despite how obvious it must've been. I can always spot it in someone else...).
My work in and around Al-Anon has helped my wall of shame come down, brick by unhealthy brick, so that today I can accept the good stuff my Higher Power has been sending my way all these years!
The problem is that my deeply entrenched sense of shame--I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, nobody really loves me, they're all gonna leave me anyway (just like dad)--made it impossible for any of that well-meaning good stuff to get in. My shame was a wall through which no light could penetrate, but I couldn't express this so nobody knew (despite how obvious it must've been. I can always spot it in someone else...).
My work in and around Al-Anon has helped my wall of shame come down, brick by unhealthy brick, so that today I can accept the good stuff my Higher Power has been sending my way all these years!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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whenever i achieved anything my dad would ask why we hadnt done better. where was that other 3% he would say and i would be crushed. but that was moreso with my sis. he didnt show a great interest at all in my studies but by the time i was in high school i had already decided i didnt want an abusive father, no father. the most my dad said was not comment on my life at all but on his feelings, his guilts and his stuggles, i fitted around his life.
my mum was very protective of me, still is, so much so that she was always watching me to make sure i, the little youngest one didnt fall off the bike, didnt stuff up the cake i was baking, didnt fail and i felt as if i must therefore be uncapable. almost as i she hugged me so tightly i couldnt breathe or say mum you are drowning me.
her happiness depended on mine through out my life most of the time so i felt guilt if i wasnt the best the perfect child and person. that led to resentment and hatred, anger and misery.
only thru alanon have i by the grace of god made some peace with the past, and with the conditional upbringing i had. trying wasnt good enough, mistakes were never forgotten buti know in my heart of hearts that the fact that i try is what matters not how much i do or dont suceed. just that i try my imperfect best.
my mum was very protective of me, still is, so much so that she was always watching me to make sure i, the little youngest one didnt fall off the bike, didnt stuff up the cake i was baking, didnt fail and i felt as if i must therefore be uncapable. almost as i she hugged me so tightly i couldnt breathe or say mum you are drowning me.
her happiness depended on mine through out my life most of the time so i felt guilt if i wasnt the best the perfect child and person. that led to resentment and hatred, anger and misery.
only thru alanon have i by the grace of god made some peace with the past, and with the conditional upbringing i had. trying wasnt good enough, mistakes were never forgotten buti know in my heart of hearts that the fact that i try is what matters not how much i do or dont suceed. just that i try my imperfect best.
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Join Date: Jun 2005
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Funny you said that Ngaire... my mother is supportive, but just doesn't seem to understand/want to register my successes, because they make her problems seem more real or bad in comparison. I often hold back from telling her when my life is going well, because I don't want to make her to feel jealous or negative about her own situation. I even make up problems so I can try to relate to her on some level... which probably isn't that productive a thing to do.
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Yes my parents never say good job or anything. I got accepted to my first choice college and all I got was oh and my mom walked away. I got National Honor Society again it really did not matter to my parents what i did. I had no curfew either so I came home when I wanted but at a good hour ne3ver after 1:00 am expect on prom night 4:00am that night. My parents never have supported me in my college choice and now I unstand that my alcoholic dad can't really support me and my mom I think is just worried that I am going to make something out of myself and and that my mom will still be in the same place she is now while I am doing good. I am glad you posted this.
love,
Shana
love,
Shana
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it just open to my eyes to the absence of unconditional love in my upbringing. often there to hug me and nurse my woes but never there to praise me or acknowledge me. never proud that i might fly.
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Well I'm glad I posted this, how many years have I walked around thinking I was the only one who lived through this.
My son is graduating from Grade 6 tomorrow and I'll definitely be acknowledging it he's had one hell of a year his dad passed away six weeks ago after being very sick since January. So the fact that Myles is even making it out with good marks is amazing.
Ngaire
My son is graduating from Grade 6 tomorrow and I'll definitely be acknowledging it he's had one hell of a year his dad passed away six weeks ago after being very sick since January. So the fact that Myles is even making it out with good marks is amazing.
Ngaire
Michelle
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 10
Boy this really hit home.
My parents never seemed to notice anything I did. They were so involved with their own problems that what I did was unimportant. I remember that when I told my Mother that I had done something impressive, all she ever said was "You are lucky!!" She never praised me and neither did my Dad. What my Mother did do though was try to get me to grow up liking the same things she did and acting the way she did which I was determined not to do. So I became rebellious. God, why would I want to end up messed up like her or my Dad?? 
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Rensselaer, NY
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I can relate to your posts. My father never sees anything other than his next drink and my mother is like this: if I were to say to her "Mom, I just got this wonderful promotion at work....etc" her response would be something like "My arthritis is acting up and I had to go get a shot at my Dr's. He checked my blood pressure and it's high. My back has been bothering me too. Anything new with you?"
That is why I NEVER bother anymore to even remotely share anything about my life with either of them....they simply could not care less.
That is why I NEVER bother anymore to even remotely share anything about my life with either of them....they simply could not care less.
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wow, so true for me.
my grades being good in childhood despite everything else?
because of the sad happenings in my youth i threw myself into a fantasy world, school when i was younger was a getaway where i escaped into stories, numbers and lines so far from home so yes i excelled at school but i sunk in spiritual freedom.
Why would i want to end up like my messed up parents??
because i needed and wanted their acceptance, their love and their praise and i found it much more easy to be acknowledged when i was miserable and angry not when i was postive and afloat. i notice that it was their congratulations i wanted, hence why i could never believe anyone elses compliments. i had to be my own parent there. i was shot down in flames by their misery making me feel how dare i be happy, making me feel taht life wasnt going to be as good because my parents wouldnt let their **** go. i had to let them go if i was gonna be anything close to free. easily said, painfully done.
my mum does the whole patronising "lucky you!" when my life is going well, her envy at my successes because she cant handle her own life is not my problem!! i may have been moulded and sculpted into their image rather than being allowed to grow freely but i have the reins to my life now. it takes a lot to be aware that i am an adult now and i can choose to change these ingrained behaviours. takes time and gentle patience but it still pisses me off some times. thank god for recovery!
my grades being good in childhood despite everything else?
because of the sad happenings in my youth i threw myself into a fantasy world, school when i was younger was a getaway where i escaped into stories, numbers and lines so far from home so yes i excelled at school but i sunk in spiritual freedom.
Why would i want to end up like my messed up parents??
because i needed and wanted their acceptance, their love and their praise and i found it much more easy to be acknowledged when i was miserable and angry not when i was postive and afloat. i notice that it was their congratulations i wanted, hence why i could never believe anyone elses compliments. i had to be my own parent there. i was shot down in flames by their misery making me feel how dare i be happy, making me feel taht life wasnt going to be as good because my parents wouldnt let their **** go. i had to let them go if i was gonna be anything close to free. easily said, painfully done.
my mum does the whole patronising "lucky you!" when my life is going well, her envy at my successes because she cant handle her own life is not my problem!! i may have been moulded and sculpted into their image rather than being allowed to grow freely but i have the reins to my life now. it takes a lot to be aware that i am an adult now and i can choose to change these ingrained behaviours. takes time and gentle patience but it still pisses me off some times. thank god for recovery!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
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The negatives where there and the positives were..."What do you mean you should get a reward? You should have done that anyways."
There are ways to encourage as we bring correction, just as there are ways to say Good job and not over inflate an ego.
Problem is though... till someone along the line learns such ways, there is no role model to teach the next generation such skills.
The buck stops here. It is my hopes that I am teaching my children a better way.
There are ways to encourage as we bring correction, just as there are ways to say Good job and not over inflate an ego.
Problem is though... till someone along the line learns such ways, there is no role model to teach the next generation such skills.
The buck stops here. It is my hopes that I am teaching my children a better way.
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yes i often felt that way mitch, i found that at that time i also found it very easy to believe the bad stuff about me. easily crushed, and by other things, a lover pulling their ahand away, no phonecall as promised, a forgotten birthday made me near suicidal.
for me it was all down to measuring myself by what others thought. i dont want to feel that i need compliments and attention upon me for peace and happiness.
there were beliefs of there must be something wrong with me to hate myself so much but that was a lot of parental issues, not just being UNacknowledged but other alcoholism related issues like incestual rape and violent abuse in my amily and the post-denial, cover-ups, breakdowns and subtle ways of communication, an art in my family.
some of our family lingo would seem so banal in a script but the tone and delivery of words by my fam, esp parents, often had harsh tones of criticism, sarcasm and mockery as well as ignorance and no understanding of what i was feeling.
thats not to say there werent loving moments and fun moments but my child brain just enjoyed what it could.
i think parental acknowledgement and affection are necessary for a helathy individual.
but without them we, i am very strong to still be standing here with love in my heart and the music in my soul. walking miracles that we are, despite for so long i was asleep to the fact of all that ive come through.
healing................
for me it was all down to measuring myself by what others thought. i dont want to feel that i need compliments and attention upon me for peace and happiness.
there were beliefs of there must be something wrong with me to hate myself so much but that was a lot of parental issues, not just being UNacknowledged but other alcoholism related issues like incestual rape and violent abuse in my amily and the post-denial, cover-ups, breakdowns and subtle ways of communication, an art in my family.
some of our family lingo would seem so banal in a script but the tone and delivery of words by my fam, esp parents, often had harsh tones of criticism, sarcasm and mockery as well as ignorance and no understanding of what i was feeling.
thats not to say there werent loving moments and fun moments but my child brain just enjoyed what it could.
i think parental acknowledgement and affection are necessary for a helathy individual.
but without them we, i am very strong to still be standing here with love in my heart and the music in my soul. walking miracles that we are, despite for so long i was asleep to the fact of all that ive come through.
healing................
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Well Myles graduated from Grade Six on Wednesday. I t was a very stressful day as he lost his father 6 weeks ago to cancer.
But he did well made it through and got a good report card considering the winter we spent with his father being ill then dying.
As far as my own father he was totally negative from beginning to end and left in a snit because he wasn't the centre of the universe. And that's always been that way and it won't change obviously.
Ngaire
But he did well made it through and got a good report card considering the winter we spent with his father being ill then dying.
As far as my own father he was totally negative from beginning to end and left in a snit because he wasn't the centre of the universe. And that's always been that way and it won't change obviously.
Ngaire
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as long you acknowledge him ngaire, i found the emotional bereftness and lack of support from my parents caused more harm than the selfish behaviours of my uncles and grandparents. my parents were my direct teachers and judges as a child.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Yep.
WOW..........this thread is me too!!
Yeah, I was lost also in my parents' DRAMA. My mom even "grew out of my dad" and claims she's healthy now (no therapy) and all she gives a crap about now is interior design!! I am starting nursing school in a week and have been VERY anxious about it as a career and she has not said a thing about it being a good opportuntiy or anything. I think if they don't know anything about it they can't say anything. It is really selfish when you think about it. It's like she doesn't want to see me get ahead of her!
I also think the longing for this approval that probably will never come is one of my biggest issues as a ACOA. She was so huge as a role model for me when I was young (dad was the A) that I want her approval so bad now even though I logically know she is F-ed up still herself. It just doesn't help that need to go away.
But pretty much to all my family members I feel like: :hello
And there is absolutely no answer. :tissue
Yeah, I was lost also in my parents' DRAMA. My mom even "grew out of my dad" and claims she's healthy now (no therapy) and all she gives a crap about now is interior design!! I am starting nursing school in a week and have been VERY anxious about it as a career and she has not said a thing about it being a good opportuntiy or anything. I think if they don't know anything about it they can't say anything. It is really selfish when you think about it. It's like she doesn't want to see me get ahead of her!
I also think the longing for this approval that probably will never come is one of my biggest issues as a ACOA. She was so huge as a role model for me when I was young (dad was the A) that I want her approval so bad now even though I logically know she is F-ed up still herself. It just doesn't help that need to go away.
But pretty much to all my family members I feel like: :hello
And there is absolutely no answer. :tissue
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