jakester

Any suggestions here would be helpful. In a nutshell, my alcoholic boyfriend (who will be getting his 2 year cake tonight) has a need for porn. I found folders and folders just FULL of it - including with young girls. We have been talking about marriage and children - and he especially want a daughter - so my mind is playing havoc.

He knows I'm not comfortable with porn and 3 weeks ago he told me it's not important to him and he'd delete it. This was all in a hidden file directory. I haven't said anything to him - but he sense. Infact - he says he knows what the problem is and has set-me up - with what - to see if I'm checking where he goes ont he computer? Then so be it. That was wrong of me to do. But that doesn't excuse it.

I don't know what to do. He lives a good AA program (and now I do too! -even though I'm not an alcoholic, it has truly enriched my life towards self-discovery) - we have a lot of harmony in our relationship and truly love each other very deeply. But now I'm scared about how to handle this situation (in a constructive manner) and I am very shaken up...

"One does not regret what one does not say" - so I am keeping my mouth SHUT. I also don't want to ruin his special day with his cake and all. So I am going for a walk to meditate and pray.

And suggestions would be helpful ... and that's an understatement...

michski

Pornography is another addiction.. Hopefully he'll see that and will be sincere about getting another obsession off his back.
It's good that you found out now, because it wouldn't be an easy thing to live with married, especially if you are really looking forward to having kids.

Don't let it slide because it bothers YOU.

QueenShenique

This may be a situation for some healthy al-anons to comment on--but, I will say this--as a recovering alchoholic I have found that I have an addictive personality. I have had problems with shopping/eating/gambling/sex--all of which will respond to the 12 steps of recovery when I apply them. The road tends to narrow as we stay sober longer--things are no longer acceptable to us that once were. However, having said all that--as a survivor of incest I feel a huge feeling of tension when I hear of someone who has pictures of children on a porn sight and talks about someday wanting to have kids. I wouldn't set a wedding date just yet. I'd find a support group for friends and families of sex addicts and do some research. Blessings

fraankie

I'm In Love With An Alcoholic, Too
Myself

Lol

But, Seriously
If You Are Both In The Program, Sit Down And Talk About It


Fraankie

jakester

Thank you for your replies. It's comforting to know I'm not over-reacting. When I suggested it may be another addiction - atthe time when this all first arose (3 weeks ago) he was adamant it was not, and pointed the finger at ME as the one with the problem. Infact, i still have not brought it up and on my way out the door this afternoon, he commented on how I am ruining a perfectly good day, and whatever is going on in my head(and he knows darn well what it is), is MY problem, My issue, MY ego and to enjoy my little 'party' with it all.


*sigh* This sucks. I know relationships are not easy, and require effort and work ... but I also have learned from past experiences what is a healthy realtionship and what isn't and to be TRUE to THINE OWNSELF. Except for this porn issue - it's a very healthy relationship - but porn is BIG BIG BIG issue and I feel it can poison a healthy relationship...

sunshinebluesky

i totally agree......i had that and the alcohol poisoning us......................so here i am trying to be true to thine ownself.............................

michski

[QUOTE=jakester]Thank you for your replies. It's comforting to know I'm not over-reacting. When I suggested it may be another addiction - atthe time when this all first arose (3 weeks ago) he was adamant it was not, and pointed the finger at ME as the one with the problem. Infact, i still have not brought it up and on my way out the door this afternoon, he commented on how I am ruining a perfectly good day, and whatever is going on in my head(and he knows darn well what it is), is MY problem, My issue, MY ego and to enjoy my little 'party' with it all.

Jeez, the nerve!!

Leave it to a drunk (and I am one) to only think of themselves AND to cause harm to their partner and blame them for ruining THEIR day! He may have a couple years without booze but it's clear the porn addiction is keeping him from having an honest relationship with himself and his motives. He is still in denial that it's HIM that's the sick puppy. Anyone out there know a woman (or a man) who would say to their partner in life "Oh yeah honey, hope you really enjoy viewing your pornography today and have a good hard on without me!" ??? I think not. sheesh, unbelievable!
:yelling

minnie

Jakester

Is the porn a dealbreaker for you? If so, then the ball is in your court. Have you been to al-anon meetings? They have been a lifesaver for me.

And what Michski said.

jakester

Porn could easily be a dealbreaker - because of the secrecy, for starters. And as far as my feelings that I am 'not enough' for him, that IS my issue, not his. I feel pretty good about myself, thank you very much. I just can't understand his need for porn, if he says he is happy with me, in ALL respects? And my mind IS warped - he likes a particular Paris Hilton porno, so then I think..oh, so THAT's why he wants me to lose 10 lbs and grow my blond hair long. It's a terrible thing, our minds.

The "all-mighty" finger-pointed in my direction as ME being the one with the problem, is not cool either. I am trying not to 're-act' to that, and I am trying REALLY hard not to play into the resentment I am feeling. You know, as unhealthy as it is, I would have a cigarette from time to time. My partner hates that and forbid me to smoke while living in his house (he has refered it to OUR home too...). So is it not a two way street? Or is it just HIS terms?

As for Alanon - I have gone a few times. For some reason I feel more comfortable going to the AA meetings (Tues, Fri and sometimes more). I need to immerse myself in Alanon more, I guess. Of course, it's already been mentioned that I could solve all my problems if I just went to Alanon and continues living by the 12 steps. Even though it's not MY program, I choose to follow what I can to make my life better and become a better person. But when I hear about MY ego and etc every day...whew. It's getting tough.

CarolD

Marry him? Hell no! I would not ever speak to him again!


Anyone who has child porn is too evil for me!

laurie6781

Marry Him?? Have a daughter with him???? HELL NO. He may be getting a 2 year cake, but he has a long long way to go in my humble opinion.

This man seems to have a lot of issues and still being a good alkie likes to point the finger at others, totally forgetting he has 3 pointing back at him.

In my humble 24 years of sobriety, if I ran into someone like this with 2 years acting this way, I WOULD QUICKLY WALK AWAY and deal with my emotions rather than put myself into a situation that could become very very treacherous.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

walkdaway

Hello Jakester,
I'm glad you are working the 12 steps for your own recovery and well being. I hope to make it to f2f meetings soon to help me live my life in recovery (I'm a codependant with mood disorders, (anxiety and panic disorders, and ptsd).
I've got to say this, that porn file with the 'young' girls...please please don't ignore that RED FLAG. I was sexually molested and abused starting at age 7 until 15. I am hypervigilant with anything that sets off my antennae in this matter, sometimes so much so that it's really stretching the imagination but still it happens due to my mood disorders and past trauma. I understand it's not an easy thing to accept about your partner but better to find out now then to be very sorry later if an innocent child gets hurt. Those pictures you found in his file isn't your imagination.

Take good care of you.

minnie

Jakester, not only does he have porn including child porn which would be enough of a sign for me, but he wants you to grow your hair, lose 10lbs and "forbids" you to smoke in "his" house. No wonder you have "less than" feelings.

Tell me, what is it that you love about this guy?

TracyAgain

What she said. The rest of the porn and whether or not he hurts your feelings is the least of your worries. Child porn is a big deal . . . HUGE. I don't know what the child porn laws in Canada are, but seriously consider that just posting about it here could put you in jeopardy because you knowingly have it in your house.

How would you like your neighbors to think that you are a pedophile or that you support one? I'm not saying that he is or that you do. I am saying that it is a very sensitive, explosive subject, and other people's perception of you will be forever changed should loverboy get busted with kiddie porn, let alone - God forbid - get his hands on someone else's kid.

As to your relationship: If you don't know enough to RUN, you probably need more help than you will find here, and I hope with all my heart that you seek it.

Dogwood

recognizing bad relationships is part of a healthy attitude about life. RUN LIKE
H--- FROM HIM!!!

sayaprayer

,prevention is better than the cure. prevent your feelings from gettin hurt even more, you need to keep the focus on yourself, this guy seems to be lawless, and just say heaven forbid you had a child from this guy and the inevetable happens, what will he do point the finger and tell you that you knew he has a problem, because he has a big problem, and let me tell you everything that people have posted here in reply to you is true, you need to really forget the wedding cos thats going to add to his mental desorder, and as for havin children with this guy................ foget it. no disrespect to you but use your brain and hear what your heart is sayin, if you cant hear it let me tell you its sayin this is dangerous. i am not gettin at you, i just dont want him to use his manipulation no more. GOD BLESS X

michski

Jakester.. You are NOT going to change him!

Child pornography is not only illegal it's a disgusting and repulsive. How could you live with someone who spends money on crap that sexually exploits innocent children???
I gotta agree with Dogwood "run like hell"

Andygirl

Uh, where did she say he had child porn? She said "young girls" but there's a big difference between that and child pornography. That could mean girls who look young, but who are actually 18 or of legal age to do pornography. Let's not make his "crime" out to be worse than it actually is.

If he really does have child porn, that's something else entirely. Does he actually have photos of children? If so, report him to the authorities. It's illegal to possess child pornography.

Guys who like a lot of porn don't really change. If you can't handle it, then you might want to get out of the relationship.

QueenShenique

Jakester-couple of quick thoughts--sometimes when you have been in a toxic relationship for awhile the thinking gets clouded--almost like being brainwashed. AA sobriety is a "spiritual" path--and I've heard you can judge a tree by it's fruits--how ya linkin' the strange fruit hanging on mr. man's tree? I was six years sober when I had a love affair that changed my life--I learned I am WORTHY OF BEING LOVED EXACTLY AS I AM. There have been wonderful posts put on your thread--why are you staying with a pervert? Also--my alanon friends tell me when you dry out an alcoholic what you are left with is a screaming alanon--go back to the meetings--and if needed seek therapy/counseling--drop the zero and wait on the Force to send you a hero.- Blessings

jakester

Ok - enough already. I wasn't going to post again but here goes. It is NOT CHILD pornongraphy - and I DID SAY 'young' girls - 18-ish - which to ME is young. So let's just get that out of the way. I am sorry I even posted on this board. My partner has an issue that HE needs to deal with. But I can not change him - I can only take responsiblity for MYSELF. If his 'fetish' involved young children I would have dealt with it - my cousin is a police officer, so I do have avenues. But it is NOT to that extent. My issue, the reason I posted in the first place, was to express my concern with porno in general and to look for suggestions and advice to perhaps understand it better. That does not mean 'to accept it'. Knowledge is power - and yes, until my partner comes to terms with this issue of his, there will be no further thoughts of marriage and especially not children. That door is closed, on my part, until we can solve this problem - professionally - he has agreed to go see a counsellor.


Thank you for your concern and prayers..