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20 year old daughter

Old 06-14-2005, 12:03 PM
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20 year old daughter

I have a 20 yr. old daughter who has spent the last 7 months in jail for driving while on probabtion and they found "residue" of something in her purse. It looks like she is heading down the same path. I'm totally lost at this point. She has been giving me problems since she was 15. I told her if she got into more trouble, don't call me to hire another lawyer, to send money to her account, to visit...nothing! But at the same time I'm the only one she has. She has "burned her bridges" with most all of her friends and she's slowly doing it with her siblings. I have to take her everywhere because she will not get her license back until December. I have to take her to AA meetings, probation meetings, look for a job, etc. Right after the probabtion meeting last night she got in contact with the person she got into trouble with back in November. I'm at wits end. I would like to contact her probation officer, but I'm scared to get her into trouble. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 06-14-2005, 12:12 PM
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Hi angel0404...welcome! I am a recovering alcoholic/addict with "problem" teens of my own. When discussing some of the things that my 15 yr old is doing and what I should do about it, someone told me that I should let him suffer the consequences of his actions. I said he would hate me for the rest of his life...the reply I got? "Well, at least he'll have a life to hate you for"...

Why don't you check out the AlaNon or NarAnon boards...lots of helpful information there.

Good luck.

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Old 06-14-2005, 12:15 PM
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my advice being 24 and not in that much trouble but close and seeing my parents go through it now with my step sister.....learn to love and let go..you can exhaust yourself trying to help her and keep her out of truble but when it all comes down to it...she can only change herself..you cant make her change. sometimes it takes a long time for a person to be ready to change and some never do...I dont want to sound neg this is just my experience..my advice is to do what you need to for yourself love her but dont enable and dont put up with any ********. hope things get better for you
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Old 06-14-2005, 06:06 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Unhappy Hello

I spendt 10 years being in your shoes.
I quit when my sanity was in danger.

My tale does not have a happy ending..as far as I know my addict.alcoholic children are still active at 49 and 50...some 25 years after I stopped.

I pray and hope their time for recovery will come.
Out of my hands...into Gods.

I am so sory to see your anguish. No matter how you deal with your situation..it is a heartbreaker.
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Old 06-15-2005, 05:23 AM
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My advice to you

Let go. Easier said than done? I know, I cringe offering the advice because if it were one of my daughters I would want to save them, too. I have over the last 10-15 years watched my mom 'save' my brother. He is a 28 year old man and my mom still gives him rides everywhere, buys him beer, cigarrettes - even does his laundry! Let your daughter learn from her mistakes so that she may grow. As long as she knows you will be there to take care of everything, things may never change. I know things haven't changed for my mom or my brother. I always wonder what in the world my brother will do when our mom is no longer able to do these things for him. He doesn't know how to take care of himself - he still needs mommy. Sad situation. Your daughter will become a stronger person for it and you will keep your sanity!

Good luck to you
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Old 06-15-2005, 07:39 AM
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Chy
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It really is tough, especially with our children. Everyone I know, including myself realized that the only way they will grow up, be responsible for their own actions, seek out other resources for help is when we stop doing it all for them.

It's tough, but the advice given will eventually work though you may worry, loose sleep, be terrified, sometimes we have to let them fall very hard before we can be there to help them up. I would quit doing it all, no more chauffering her around, no more making her go to her meetings, no more being the mediator to her probation officer. Once you can come to terms this is in her best interest your anxiety over doing so will begin to lift. Hang in there, let her stand on her own two feet, consequences and all! ....been there to!
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