spindell

Well i dont no what to write, so i guess i'll just get sraight to the point,,,,,,,,,,,A couple of days ago ,i was doing so well i was dealing with me, feeling really positive and putting myself first. my A had done a dissapearing act, and i had called him ,i had just let him get on with it,,,,,, even when he called on thursday, i was strong enough to say no.

But last nite i got pulled back in to the same trap, i could say that he sounded so sincere, that he had really thought about things, but i would be just making up excuses for myself, and the little bit of strenth i had found would be wasted,, so im just going to be upfront with u [my friends ] and me.

I know that i have to take responsibilty for how i feel today, and right at this moment i feel like i have totally let myself down, emotionally i feel a wreak,,,,, i no he isnt going to change , but then if im honest , i knew that last night,,,wot im having real problems with is knowing that i've put myself right back at square 1, and i hate it,,,, i did'nt past the test,

Im really mixed up , i knew that trying to help myself was'nt going to be easy, but to fall down right at the start is so demoralizing
Im not going to give up tho. Maybe the reason its hurting so much is because i no that i've hurt myself, before i never thought about me as a person, [ does that make sense]i just dont no what to do now,,, i feel like i've sold myself short ,its not as though i havent heard all the same things he said to me last nite a thousand times before, because i have, i guess i just reverted back to my usual pattern because i wanted to feel loved and wanted, but that dosent come from a outside force does it, thats got to come from me,,,,,, but its so hard, how can i love others so much , but not love myself even a little bit,,,Im sorry for going on , and god i must sound so self piting, i dont mean to i think i just feel a bit battered, and im trying to make some sense out of it, and take responsbilty for it. thanks for listening it does help coming here im so glad that i found this site and all of u

hugs and kisses spin

JT

Hi,

First, there is no test. This is not pass fail...it is 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. It is about progress not perfection.

You have become aware that there is a problem, that is huge. You cannot be expected to become a different person overnight.

Take it easy on yourself...if you don't who will?

Hugs,
JT

Ann

Spin

This program is a learning process, and we learn from our mistakes too. I have been in recovery for almost 5 years, and I still make mistakes. The difference is that today I am aware of my mistakes, and I do not beat myself up everytime I make one. I just learn from it and move on.

We are so emotionally attached to our A's and we want so much to believe them, but in time we learn that, as sincere as they may have been, they just cannot carry though without help for them.

So we keep working on ourselves, we go to meetings, we work the steps, we read and read and pray often. She share and we get honest with ourselves. And we grow. Our recovery has to become THAT important to us, that we can set boundaries and carry them through, and that we can keep trying, even when our hopes have been dashed.

Re-read your post - and take out the "but's" - and you will see that you already have learned a lot about yourself. That is a step forward, as painful as it may sound. We have to walk through the pain, and that is where this program helps us.

I have heard recovery referred to as peeling away the skins of an onion. We peel one layer at a time. Now onions stink, and onions make us cry, but in the end we get to know who we really are and we learn to love ourselves.

It just takes work and a lot of time and patience...but WE ARE WORTH IT!!

My prayers are with you.

spindell

Thanks ann's and just tired, i no what your saying is right and i cant expect this problem to go away overnight,your right to when u say about not beating yourself up, dosent do any good does it.

it just seems such a huge great tunnel, from being so positive earlier in the week to coming down with a huge big bump

But im going to brush myself off and start again, Thanks for being here

loads of hugs from a slightly battered spin

Morning Glory

Hey spindell,

I think that the fact that you are feeling this way shows your progress. I yelled at my son last night and felt horrible about it. I wouldn't have felt bad about it a few months ago. I would have felt justified. So this shows my progress.

Your feelings show your progress.

Give yourself a pat on the back.

Hugs,
MG

Clowie

Spindell,
First stop being so hard on yourself... You love this man... It is not easy to let go... Trust me... I have been where you were at before... I tried leaving before also.... I also thought he sounded so sincere... and I also thought that after all he has lost that maybe just maybe he has learned his lesson....
It takes time... Right now I'm only taking one hour at a time... When people say the answers come over time... IT is so true... You learn from your own mistakes and the whole time you just keep growing.... Don't be hard on yourself.....Do something nice for yourself today... I use to live in England and I love it there.... Enjoy the country side.... Well Spindell I will pray for you and your family.... Your friend in Recovery, Clowie

sugar52

hey spin,
cheer up, stop kicking yourself around!!i always believed all of it and i have anger as a final emotion as a result. try hard to focus on the loving caring person that you are and remember that you're fighting an illness, not a person!! iwas so sure that i just didn't deserve better that i even convinced my husband. try a little boundary at a time. even if it's just chanting the serenity prayer and not responding to the lies. that helps me. yesterday i gave myself a headache so bad that i couldn't see just worrying and waiting and projecting and second guessing myself. what a rotten day i created. i guess i had to do that to wake up and want a different kind of day today and try to do something different. i had a big pity party for myself, made everyone that talked to me want to run away. i absolutely did keep my big mouth shut, but i just internalized my bad attitude inside. i hurt my foot kicking something out of pure frustration. i probably should have gone for a long walk until i was tired and would have slept better. i hope you can get away from your negative self and treat youself to something you like that has no links to the chaos!! you deserve it.
hugs from sugar
ps you ought to see my halloween decorations outside, i'm so proud i did something creative!!

osier59

Spin,
Give yourself a hug from me... from all of us! It is truly a journey you're on, and a learning process. You have a new found awareness, so you are able to see things you never saw before. That is progress! And like JT said, it's 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but you are making progress. Please don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can!

Know that we are all here for you and supporting you all the way.

Osier59

spindell

Hi every one , i just wanted to say thanks for all ur surport,it made me feel heaps better, Todays another day, and im taking all ur words on board, I know ur all there for me and that makes a huge difference, You've all helped me to understand why i felt so down on myself, and its true , its because i am more self aware.
So im going to go back to my mirror and have a good chat with myself again and work hard on getting my balance back.

Hey sugar i hope ur foots better now, i kind of did the the same thing yesterday, but mine was throwing a box in the garage, which then hit, a glass top table i have been storing in there, oop's.

Then to cap it alll the door fell of my washing machine,so a great day, but i did manage to laugh about the washing machine , it just seemed so ironic that that should happen when i was having a bad day anyway. [My scatty sence of humour i think]

But seriously thanks for all ur surport, my plom [poor little old me day] is over and i getting back on my feet

Luv to all spin:p