JessicaNAJ

My H has been trying really hard to get on his feet. He hasn't drank since March, got him a second job (but quit b/c the additional hours were really hard for him), and is thinking about moving in with a guy he works with to help himself get back on top of things.

I don't know if you all remember or not, but he borrowed $2000 from his boss to pull himself out of the "collections" from various companies. So his boss is taking a huge chunk of his check each week for pay back. (Which btw my H thinks in BS b/c he's taking out the money after "taxing the f#@$" out of him - his words). Three more weeks and his boss will be completely paid back.

H is really struggling and is slowly getting back into the financial hole he created for himself. Now with summer he has to pay more for the sitter too. I have not offered to help and couldn't help even if I wanted to. I am tapped to my limit and am struggling myself trying to keep food in my kids mouths - which, btw, I am working on a plan to help me out (I have to take a hard look at my budget).

So, I was thinking. I could let him move back in with me!!! Why not? It would not only benefit him financially, but would help me too. I know he would help with the housework, cook supper, and do our laundry for us. AND if I wanted to take a nap or go to be early, he could watch the kids. Great plan, huh?? And with the money he might be saving, he could help me with the bills.

THEN I got to thinking..... That is EXACTLY the way it was before he moved out. The only difference, he's not drinking now (and not working a program, scarey). Am I willing to accept that lifestyle again? There is still no emotional attachment, just the comfort of "this is what I know". Is that okay with me??? And what kind of message would that send my kids??

So, the moral of my little saga is........I have decided NOT to offer to let him come stay with me. After all, he didn't ask

minnie

Jessica!! Don't do that! Thank goodness that you came to the conclusion you did otherwise all my recovery would have gone out the window and I would have got a plane over to shake some sense into you.

I think it's fantastic the way you thought that all the way to the end. Recovery in action.

Love you.

Minnie
xxx

benefits

Good decision - I would not ask him to move back in either if I were you - although he is the father or your children and he may help out he also may still have a lot of issues that you should not have to deal with - and money isn't everything. I was living rent free with my exABF all I was paying were utilities and while it was nice having that extra money each month all the B/S I had to deal with were just not worth it. Then after I bought my own house and lived there for a while he moved in with me and we got right back into that same old thing except this time I was not even getting the advantage of living mortgage free. I kicked him out when I had proof that he was using cocaine again and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my son. I know if I asked him to move back in he probably would and it would be very advantageous to him since he is broke and about to lose his house but I'm not offering - I'm not going to rescue him again. Of course your situation is different in that he is your husband and the father of your children. Good luck to you - I hope your able to work out your budget problems.

brdlvr2

I let my exABF move in with me twice before. Both times mistakes. He said it was different, he'd changed. And I really wanted to help him get on his feet. Well, he went back to drinking and having him there with me was horrible. Both times I had to have him leave. Both times, it was all good in the very beginning, but the drinking started again, then the job loss. I'm not taking that chance again, never.

cwohio

jess - i loved minnie's reply! lol i think you know you made the right decision - tempting as it may have been for conveniece reasons - your recovery has come so far to be undone!

good job again girl!

JessicaNAJ

Thanks Minnie I've had enough shaking for one year....but I'm glad you got my back.

It's hard to watch him struggle. I know how hard it is. But I have to keep reminding myself that for him to move back in would be for all the wrong reasons. He's only been sober for 3 months (which is good) but he could fall at any time.

I have not seen any real signs that he truly wants to do what's right by me. In other words, he does see the kids, he does pay the sitter, but he does not provide for us and cannot provide for us. I want to move forward, he still seems to want to stay where he is. I want more out of life than that. I think when I feel he shares the same goals and objectives as me, then I will know he is truly working on him. BTW - I do understand he needs to fully be there for himself before he can be there for me. And, yes, I am willing to wait it out for a little while. I'm trying to keep my communication open as to what I'm feeling and thinking, but at the same time, letting him know that I will not accept the unacceptable.

Also, he still rarely goes out of his way to offer his help to me. Which, I really don't expect him to help too much, but IMO if he plans to have a future with me and the kids at our home, then he can help with some of the "rock" work without me asking. Why should I do all the hard work only for him to simply enjoy it when i'm finished? Yes, I have told him this.

Yes, I have expectations of what I think a marriage should be......and that is not me doing all the hard work.