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How can I help my partner not to relapse?

Old 06-13-2005, 03:02 AM
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How can I help my partner not to relapse?

Hello everyone

I'm new to soberrecovery and new to the whole thing all together! I have never used drugs or been with people addicted to drugs. Last year I met my partner and soon found out she was using cocaine. It was the usual: I'm having a bit of fun, it's a laugh, I only do it with my friends. You are judgemental, boring and want to cotrol me. This is what she used to say to me.

Soon we started to face the usual problems that coke brings: mood swings, irritability, paranoia and depression. I realised my partner (I'm a girl as well!!!) was doing it regularly and every excuse was a reason to do it: friends' houses, pubs, our own home. She started to lie to me saying she wasn't doing it when it was obvious she was. She has been doing it for 10 years!

After various weekends of hell, of arguments, of lies, of emotional abuse for me, I finally decided that maybe it was time for me to go. I didn't want to give her an ultimatum, they never work, but I had to tell her that if she had no intention to stop, I would have had to go as it was destroying me and our relationship, our love. She said she wanted to stop and be with me. She admitted of being addicted and her friends, who I consider drug buddies rather than real friends, not helping her at all. Since she told them she's not doing anymore, she has received all sorts of stupid comments, like: oh god, where's the fun now? don't you get bored? Your girlfriend is making all the choices for you, blah blah blah... As well as telling her of parties where the coke will be widely available and offering it to her!

Anyway, she's not been using it, or cannabis nor she's seeing her "friends-dealers" for about 5 weeks now. Things are so much better: no mood swings, no storming out of the flat, no sleepless nights and then sleeping all day, no madness! I am doing my best not to nag her or judge her friends, we're going out and having fun and appreciate that for her it's all a first now: gigs with no cke, pub with no coke, dinners with no coke, holidays with no coke. she's bright, sharp, steady, healthy!

I need help: she is still tense and sometimes she has ourburst of anger, blaming me for changing her and dictating her life. I often end up crying and get angry telling her of her selfish, addicted mean friends and that I'm the only one who helps her in the recovery and she's ungrateful to me. I sometimes aks her for reassurance that she won't do it again when she's the last person I should ask!

I'm constantly worried, nervous, I feel lonely and isolated. I'm scared she might relapse anytime. I want to help her in the recovery with the best possible behaviour, I'm there for her but I don't always know what to do. Can anybody help please?

I'm scared because I know that 5 weeks in recovery is not much compared to 10 years of using, especially when she told me that she has stopped before and then relapsed as she felt isolated and went back to her "friends" and soon started again! I know she feels isolated now.

Please help me. What's the best i can do? I love her and do anything for her.

Love from London

Goffredo
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Old 06-13-2005, 04:28 AM
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Gofreddo,
Welcome to SR,
Unfortunately, your girlfriend has to do the work. You can encourage her to go to NA or seek therapy or both, but she is the addict and she must want to stay clean and do the work necessary to stay clean.
In the meantime, to help you deal with the stress, find a NARANON chapter in your area. That is a great support system for family and friends of addicts.
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Old 06-13-2005, 05:09 AM
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Hi goffredo, welcome to SoberRecovery.

Wow your girlfriend is so blessed having you in her life, that should help her so much more.

I agree with Dawn, this is up to her, all you can do is support and encourage her.....and take care of YOURSELF in the mean time.

Wishing you all the best on your new journey, please stay strong, this addiction thing is one heck of a hard road to travel...get support for yourself too.
 
Old 06-13-2005, 06:40 AM
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Thank you Dawn and Anthony

I agree with you both and I'll stay strong. I definitely need to talk so i think I'll join one of my local support group.

Are you recovering addict or family/friends of an addict?

What should I avoid saying to my partner in conversations or arguments which might push her towards using again rather than not?

Do you believe, like me that she should stay away from her user friends?

Best wishes

G.
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Old 06-13-2005, 06:55 AM
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wingsfreed
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You're welcome G.....My name is Denise...Anthony is from my signature line...but that's ok you can call me whatever you like...ok ok within reason, haha.

I'm an alcoholic, I've been struggling a long time..recently put 30 days together with the help of my HP, I call God...all the wonderful people here, plus going to AA, I can't do it alone....I'm married to a drinker also, and get no support, how could I, right?

You bet she needs to stay away from users....she needs to change friends, if she goes to meetings she'll meet a lot of new people who will help her, and they totally understand....as well as you going to meetings to help deal with this.

What to avoid saying to her....yep don't you feel like you're walking on egg shells?...all I can tell you is don't ever be negative, be youreself, just not negative, she'll need all the possitive she can get right now. Most of us addicts are pulled to negative, well speaking for myself that is, and today I will avoid it at all costs.

Take care and go talk to someone, I bet a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders knowing your not alone, and probably when she sees you helping yourself, that will re-enforce her more.

Anyway that's just my thoughts on this, take care of yourself, wishing you both the best in soon dancing in the light.

Check this part out, it's where you'll get more help Nar-Anon Boards

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=23

Hugs....Denise..hey my middle name is Ann, hehe.
 
Old 06-13-2005, 07:30 AM
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Thank you Denise

it really helps.

You keep up the good work, I don't know you but I'm proud of you, just like I'm proud of my girl.

Take care

G.
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Old 06-13-2005, 02:41 PM
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Hi G.!
I am Dawn a recovering pill addict with 6 1/2 years of clean time.
I don't think you should worry about what to say or what not to say. You do not need that added stress of worrying about whether you are saying " the right thing" or not. Speak the truth, in love and let the chips fall where they may. You must remember this......The only person who will cause your girlfriend to use is your girlfriend. She is in control of herself. She may try to blame you, but don't buy into it. We all have reasons we have sought the mind altering substance, but to blame others is rotten.
Go to a meeting. Let us know how it goes.
Peace from the other side of the ocean!!!
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Old 06-13-2005, 06:18 PM
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Hello Goff,

I gotta tell you that I never took sobriety seriously until my husband took leaving me seriously. I just couldn't choose the bag/bottle instead of him again!
Dawn is right on.. you shouldn't worry about "keeping" her sober. It's her call! One thing that did REALLY help my husband and I through some tough areas was the AA/Alanon program. It kind of laid out some loose "ground rules" Because we got together when I was still out there drinking and using neither one of us knew ME ! I was terrified and ever so relieved to have his support and strength. So we spoke in AA language for awhile... the first year had it's rough spots but now we have such an unbelievable great relationship and I finally know what love is.
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Old 06-13-2005, 10:12 PM
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Rho
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Hon, you can only be strong for yourself and support her the best you can but please remember addict can ONLY help themselves. The addict can ONLY make the choice to better themselves and they have to do it for themselves to to impress anyone else.

I am a recovering addict been clean since 2/21/04 aand proud of it. I got clean becasue i realized it was not a social thing to get hight it was a diesease and I was and are sick I will have to fight the ugly monsters for the rest of mylife. But having NAS metings and this room is the best! I used to say I am gonna do it for my kids and family, but it only worked when I did it for mysself.

I'll keep you in my prayers go to a meeting for support yourself, it will help you be strong!
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