luvbug2005

I have been back and forth in my long distance relationship with a recovering alcoholic and the more this goes on (6 months now) the more I question how well (if at all) I really knew him.
For the record, I wrote him a letter ending it but I am still struggling to try and understand the behaviour and the rejection I have felt over it. He has been sober for a little over a year and was in AA but has not been to a meeting since moving. He recently moved to another state took a very high stress job. We were best friends and normally talked every night and emailed eachother throughout the day. I knew this would change a little because of his job but what I did not expect was a complete withdrawl from me. I was supposed to come visit him one weekend and he said he had to work which I believe then I didnt' hear from him all week. I became worried, trying to reach him by phone and finally got him to answer it. He says that he normally goes into a "cocoon" during transitional periods in his life and that he doesn't want to talk to anyone unless they can solve his issues at the time. He admitted it wasn't a good excuse but that's how he is. He told me not to shut the door on what we had and that hopefully work would die down soon. He'll tell me he's going to call and won't then won't even answer his phone for days..only respond to my occasional email or text message. After two weeks of wondering why he can hurt me like this and completely shut me out..I typed him a letter and ended it. I myself was going through a difficult time that first week because I was with out my son (who was on vacation with his dad) for the first time, so I was hurt that he didn't even seem to care or notice anything beyond himself. Is this normal behaviour of a recovering alcoholic during times of stress?? He was working the program but his sponsor had urged him to do steps 4 and 5 prior to moving. Thanks for any insight.

nocellphone

luvbug...

It sounds like he's gotten himself into somewhat of a slippery place, recovery-wise, and his behavior attests to this. Moving is always stressful and the new job is stressful. For someone early in sobriety (and I think one year is still early), this is a lot to try to manage, especially if he's choosing not to go to meetings.

The book Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book) says on p. 62: "Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." My guess is that what you describe is common behavior for an alcoholic.

Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings?

meli2005

For someone who is in recovery, he is putting himself at high risk for a relapse if he hasn't already relapsed. he may be hiding that from you. Being withdrawn and not following a program make relapse very likely in the near future.

luvbug2005

No I have not been to any Al-Anon meetings. I guess I didn't see the point considering it's over. Do you think that I would benefit from it at all?

Cynay

Hi there...

As much as Im struggling with it all, Yes Al-anon would help. Just because the A is not part of your everyday life does not change the effect it had on you. I would suggest trying it and see what happens.

Just my thoughts

Minx1969

Luvbug,

I started going to Alanon when I was with my now exABF and I stayed..It's been almost a year for me (he left after I was in the program for 2 months..)

Give it a try..

Minx

CatsTail

A's are selfish and self-centered beyond belief. Try and move on without him. Maybe get to some Alanon meetings.

Ngaire

Beautiful

When the A's self-centeredness alone doesn't work, blame someone else.

Get on with your life unless you wish this to be the norm and not the exception.

luvbug2005

Thanks for the feedback, it helped open my eyes and I read a link that someone posted about dry drunk syndrome and it described him almost perfectly. Especially the indecisivness....'"when they don't know what to do they do nothing" I wrote him a letter letting him know how much I loved him but that I just couldn't take anymore of the rejection. I told him how much he had hurt me and that I basically felt abandoned by him. It was a very sad, very heartfelt letter that any normal person would have responded to immediately if they every truly loved you. I didn't really send it to get a response but hoped for one...I just want answers to put my mind at ease but I am slowly realizing there are none when it comes to him. I hadn't heard from him for days then sent him some email joke and he responds saying that the last thing he wants to do is hurt me but he has been horribly busy and that he did want to talk soon. I was amazed by the ignorance of it...as if ignoring me for 2 weeks was rather trivial. He's known the entire time how much he was hurting me by what he was doing, yet didn't care and did nothing to fix it. Did nothing to make things right. You are all right...it's as if he cannot see beyond himself and his own priorities. People cannot always be used and then recyled in one's life and it will be a rude awakening when at last he does come out of his so called "cocoon" and realizes what he's lost because I am never going back. I still love him so much but have lost nearly all respect of what I thought he was or at least trying to be. It's so sad when you put someone so high up on a pedestal and they come crashing down before you. I've had a hard time accepting that he is not who I thought he was, that's the hardest part of letting go right now for me.

CodeMaster

I feel you luvbug2005, my ex is recoverying and has hit a dry drunk phase and I've broken all contact or let go of her for my own protection and hopefully for her best interest in her recovery in her own path.

Quite a surreal experience but I can tell you life is pretty different when you experience sanity again....