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Help Me Please.......................

Old 06-10-2005, 11:53 PM
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Unhappy Help Me Please.......................

I was doing so well. But, what I am about to tell you is the honest truth and may come back to haunt me tomorrow. I couldn't deal with pain anymore. I am weak, I gave in. I have cocaine in my room right now, and I've been out at the bar drinking. The shame hasn't set in yet. I am not me right now. I wrote him a letter tonight telling him everything. This is the first time that I was completely real and honest with him especially about the way I love him. Obviously, I love a guy that I cannot be with. He doesn't feel the same way and he is leaving for another place.

But, I don't regret being in love with him. He is the first guy I ever truly loved and no matter what, he taught me something about love. I will never know why God didn't let things work out, but I can only trust in his judgement that there are better things ahead. The love inside of me is real, it is the leaving part that I chose to use as an excuse to have several drinks.

He is leaving and going on to something better. I am here rationalizing this and using it as an excuse to drink to "take the pain away."
But, learn your lesson from me, the pain is still there, problem still there, he is still leaving, and now I have the added stress of withdrawals.

So lesson learned, DON'T HANDLE PROBLEMS THE WAY I DO. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. PM me if you would like to, I want to help as many people as I can. I also need as many meetings as I can get to.

Please don't give up on me. I still haven't learned to live life on life's terms, but I'm trying so hard.
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Old 06-10-2005, 11:59 PM
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Please tell me anything you want, I am willing to listen. I am powerless over this damn thing and my ears are open to any suggestions. I am down to my knees which is where I think I needed to be. Please pray for me, that I can get back up and get the strength to carry on with everything.

Pray that I get the strength to get to that meeting tomorrow. That is so hard but I'm fighting for that courage.

Please talk to me, TELL ME ANYTHING, but please talk to me. I am willing and ready to go to ANY LENGTHS to get sober. Please help me.
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Old 06-11-2005, 12:05 AM
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To make things worse....

I'm sure I embarrased myself tonight. I let a guy take me out to get my mind off of things. Well, that ended up at the bar. He was drinking a shirly temple (non-alcoholic) and here I was, throwing down the shots with liquor in them. I don't know if that is what he had in mind when we went there. I think he was surprised that I threw a few of them back, and I surprised myself that I seemed just like those other drunks stumbling at the bar, but what he didn't know is, THAT IS ME TOO. It seems different to look at others with this problem, but it is another thing entirely to recognize myself in their shoes.

Maybe the problem is that I've admitted that I'm an addict, but never admitted the alcoholic part. I don't even know when that got out of hand...............I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING....................................just one moment I was having fun, and then, BAM, NOTHING BUT HURT, PAIN, AND SHAME.................

If you are debating whether or not to have a drink, DO NOT DO IT. You do not want this pain in your life..............................................
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Old 06-11-2005, 12:33 AM
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hope!!! i tried to send you a pm did you get it????
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Old 06-11-2005, 12:34 AM
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Hope...

you sound like me in my early twenties..with that 'I love him so much' stuff. Mine was my best friend....for four years and he left me 5 months pregnant with his kid...

NOW... here I am at 33..with a 5 year old...and...with the ULTIMATE LOVE of my life..(he's 23 ) and way better than the first guy...but I would have never thought at the time ..that there could be any better...

But there is better..let me tell you. I was glad he left me. It took a long time to realize that. Don't waste all the time like I did pine'ing away for this guy. There is a better guy out there for you..with a better fit.

BE happy being sober...cause yes..drugs and alcohol sound like a good idea when you are depressed..but they will ultimatly make you wallow in your sadness.

Best wishes !

~Tori

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Old 06-11-2005, 03:32 AM
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Gee Hope

you have not yet learned how to stay sober and drug free.

Keep trying.... You can do this!
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Old 06-11-2005, 04:54 AM
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Hope I know how painfull life can be. I have been living it now for 45 years. One thing I have learned is sometimes you have to move on from people you love especially when trying to hold on to them is pulling you down. It is never easy letting love go. I have been on both sides I have left people I have loved and people who I have loved have left me. Either way I experienced great unbearible pain. Somehow things tend to work out generally. Anyway this has been true for me.

Turning to alcohol/cocaine you know full well is not going to make the situation any better. It is not going to bring him back. It is going to hurt you. Cocaine and Alcohol are both addictive and drugs and being an addict may include being addicted to the legal drug alcohol.

Hope I am praying for you. I believe that you have the strenght to turn this around and to let it go. It does take time and you have got to give it the time it is going to take. You have some work to do now so get busy. I believe that God is with you always. So give this problem to God. God is with you now feel Gods presence in your life. Let God help you.

Last edited by kckman; 06-11-2005 at 04:56 AM. Reason: oops
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Old 06-11-2005, 04:58 AM
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Sweetheart... I'm so sorry. No one is going to give up on you here. Think of this as a lesson learned, a new beginning. Yes, what you did is going to hurt... hurt your self esteem, cause you to feel guilt, you know how it is. However, this does not have to be a reason to hurt yourself more by dwelling on it - "Fall seven times, stand up eight."

Losing a love is terribly hard. My heart goes out to you. You know that drinking or using isn't going to help - please get rid of the coke. Flush it, trash it in some unredeemable way. You know these things. You can do this. And again - I know *I'm* not giving up on you... and I'm certain that neither is anyone else.

Please take care of yourself, ok? Do the right thing.

love,
anne
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Old 06-11-2005, 05:23 AM
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Hi Hope,

I'm sorry for your really difficult situation. Intellectually you have things all figured out, but actually doing it is just so hard. I don't know when I became an alcoholic either, but after trying for years to drink normally, I could no longer deny that I could not drink. Don't be hard on yourself. You are learning each day as you move along in this journey. Today you can be sober.

Love, Anna
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Old 06-11-2005, 05:33 AM
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Hi Hope,
I'm glad to see you back around, I've been wondering about you. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.

Hang in there, get rid of all the poison and start today with a clean & sober start.

Good luck
Lisa
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Old 06-11-2005, 05:35 AM
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hope, listen to what people here are saying, take to heart; we are all praying for you and we totally support you; i had an experience last night that has already made a huge difference for me; i went to a meeting - i asked my cousin who has 13 years in soberity to go with me; it turned out to be the toughest AA meeting i have been to - also the best; i finally broke through a part of my toughness and got what i really needed; don't give up on yourself, we sure won't; prayers, love and hugs coming your way
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Old 06-11-2005, 05:39 AM
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(((Hope))) I don't have anything to add after all the wonderful messages you received.....it hurts watching your pain, and today I know drinking or any kind of addiction only magnifys it...today I will do whatever it takes not to ever turn back. I HOPE today you will feel what I feel.

Yep life is hard and full of hurt, but we have to keep moving forward, you're such a beautiful person Hope, don't let addiction break you.

Sending all my love, extra hugs, prayers and HOPE to you......Denise

P.S. A book I'm reading now, I read this part earlier and boy does it hold so true.

God cannot express God's self when you are not at peace.

Find peace today sweetie, go easy on yourself, feel all of our arms wrapped around you.
 
Old 06-11-2005, 05:44 AM
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Hope,
Hang in there and use the tools that you have learned from your program.
No one will give up on you. If we gave up on each other, no one would be here.
We all fall short of the glory. I have told my wife, it doesnt matter that you relapse, it is how you react to the relapse that counts. obviously, we dont want relapse but once it happens there is nothing you can do but react in a positive and productive way . You have, you are seeking help. Get to meetings, stay on line, get rid of the drugs.
Hugs and kisses
Jeff
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Old 06-11-2005, 06:10 AM
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Hope,

It is good to see you posting here. If I can do this you can too. I know first hand how hard it is to break the cycle, but just keep trying to get this and you will as long as you don't give up.

We're all here for you.

Daniel
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Old 06-11-2005, 07:06 AM
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(((Hope)))
It's a brand new day!!!
Don't beat yourself up, it's not going to do you any good.
Beating myself up for not being what i thought i should be, kept me out in that hell.
We love you, we're here for you, don't give up.
Hope? Don't drink, just for today.
Don't do drugs, just for today.
hugs & hugs, Wendy
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Old 06-11-2005, 07:27 AM
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Dearest Hope--To be honest, when I first read your post I was thinking, "How could someone let a GUY rule their life in such a way." I was picturing all kinds of unkind messages I could leave for you. Then I realized why I was thinking those things. I am not angry with you. I am angry with myself for feeling the same way. I am sure our situations were different, but I allowed myself to be terribly hurt by a man quite a while ago now. Going on five years ago. My drinking and drugging were bad before that situation, but they became 10 times worse after he left me. Because of that, I never really allowed myself to grieve the loss. Now that I am sober, I am having to deal with the hurt.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I know where you are coming from. I understand the pain all too well. I know you probably know this, but not only will drinkiing and drugging hurt you in the more obvious ways, it will also keep you from processing the pain of the seperation and working through it. It will only make the pain last longer.

You are a strong and wonderful woman, Hope. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get to a meeting. Keep posting here, as well. Tallk about the pain, and what you are feeling. We are all here for you.

Send me a PM if you would like. I probably need to talk about my pain some more too!

Love and hugs--
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Old 06-11-2005, 07:47 AM
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This is obviously very pathetic. I feel pretty stupid now. I shared stuff that should probably not have been shared.

If my experience can help someone, then at least it was not in vain.
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Old 06-11-2005, 07:53 AM
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hey Hope...not pathetic my friend...thats the nature of this cunning, baffling and powerful disease.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off
I want to thank you for the reminders .
Back to day 1
be nice to yourself today!!!
hugs & hugs Wendy
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Old 06-11-2005, 07:54 AM
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Hope,
Being honest with oneself and others is never pathetic or stupid. It is liberating.
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Old 06-11-2005, 07:57 AM
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(((((((((Hope))))))))))) Your experience already helped me. I don't see anything pathetic in your posts. Only honesty, heartache, and pain. You are okay. Today is another day, and we are all still here for you.

Hang in there, hon'.

Love and hugs--
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