Veronica

So my AH (who is almost 6 months sober) and I have had a tough couple of days. Saturday we went to our usual marraige counseling - everything had been going great, so we had nothing to talk about...decided to pull a few topics out of the cloest - kids and moving. I want kids and I want to move. He's not sure if he wants kids and doesn't want to move. We spent all day Saturday fighting. I wanted to reach a compromise on the moving (the kids issue is moot right now - our relationship isn't ready for kids). My AH absolutely refused to compromise. I was really hurt by his selfishness and said that I wanted him to move out and I wanted a divorce. Okay, so clearly I overacted, but in my mind, my AH had become someone I didn't know - someone so consumed by what he wanted, he didn't care at all about my feelings. We ended up reaching a compromise - in 2 to 3 years, we are going to move somewhere that we both agree upon where we can afford a house with a yard and I can quit being an attorney (I hate being an attorney and want to be a teacher...along with the severe cut in pay). I also apologized for over reacting (though mind you, at the time I did not think I was over reacting!).

Saturday, I decided to "seduce" my AH and have "make up" sex. He thought it was pretty funny and started laughing. Okay, so perhaps my approach wasn't the most savvy (I jumped in bed naked), but his laughter triggered a lot of pain from when he was drinking (when he was drunk, he use to laugh at me and be pretty cruel when I attempted to be sexy). Anyway, I completely shut down and was again very hurt. I tried to talk to him about it, but that conversation did not go well...it turned out to be about him - how he can never do enough, never say enough and will never have a "clean slate".... All I wanted was a bit of understanding.

So Monday we managed to get through the day just fine, though everything felt distant between us. Tuesday, same thing. Last night, I bought a new MP3 player for when I go running and got really frustrated that I couldn't download the music (I'm not tech savvy at all and get easily frustrated about computers). I was very aggitated and my AH for some reason, took that to be about him as well. Go figure. So we had another horrible night and when we talked about it my AH got angry and said "on Saturday we just talked about divorce." I thought it interesting - he thinks that because he is sober and has given me a general apology for the sh*t that he did when he was drinking (including the cruel laughing at me) that I should no longer be hurt and should just move on. But, when it comes to me apologizing for over reacting on Saturday and bringing up divorce, my apology doesn't hold the power that he thinks his should - i.e., he's still entitled to be hurt, but I am not.

I am so frustrated I want to scream. Well, actually, I want to cry. I want to call up my AH and say really nasty things to him so he can hurt as much as I do right now. I don't know why I feel so out of control. I am so frustrated that I don't know what to do other than lash out. So I am here. Thanks for listening.

GettingBy

It takes time to come out of ruts... be patient. Right now you are both hurting and you're very sensitive to each other. I will give you the advice that many gave me just a few weeks ago... try just doing "fun" things together. Rekindle the love that you once had. It's hard because there is so much anger and resentment, but you have to let some of that go and get on with enjoying life.

All the other stuff (romance, sex, etc) will start to come back in time, but it doesn't happen over night. Don't beat yourself up if 1) you can't be in the "right" mood or 2) he doesn't respond like you need him to. It's okay to just leave it be, and go do something else.

I had to laugh about your "sex" story! B and I had a very similiar argument this past weekend! I got dressed on Saturday morning and decided to not wear the usual scummy weekend attire and opted for a cute denim skirt and tank top, nothing fancy, but yes, alot more "girly." B saw it and said, "Why are you wearing that?" (meaning, wow, that's not your typical saturday outfit). I heard, "Why on earth do you have that on? That's not the right cloths for today!" and I immediately went on the defense and said, "What's wrong with what I have on?" NO GOOD. The whole conversation when to $hit fast. We both reverted back to our old tendencies of going on the attack and shooting at each other and it got us no where! It took both of us walking away for a bit before we could actually sit and "hear" what the other was trying to say. It was frustrating for both of us, but with patience we both finally "got" what had happened.

Hope things go better for you today!

pmaslan

I completely understand your anger and frustration and the hurt you feel. It is amazing that the A thinks one, maybe two "I'm sorry" 's is supposed to make up for:
1. Inconsideration
2. Lack of communication
3. Lack of intimacy
4. Complete selfishness
5. Some cases infidelity
6. Constant lies
7. Just the general b.s.
When I am totally frustrated I go to the gym, get in my suv and take a drive and have a long talk with myself, sometimes I'm yelling lol but it helps.
Take care Veronica I know life really sucks for you right now.
Love, Patty