Need Help Fast!!!!!!!

Old 06-08-2005, 07:22 AM
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Need Help Fast!!!!!!!

Hi, I need help fast - this is off the topic of A but about parenting. My exhusband (a huge jacka$$) called me today arguing about the childcare for our son for the summer - long story but basically he wants to change our agreement and have his nephews wife watch our child because they are neighbors and it is convenient for him. Long story short I don't want him there because her husband who is not currently living there has a long history of drug abuse as well as being arrested for physically abusing her while she was pregnant with 2nd child and also abusing her oldest son (at age 9). He has left her 4 times and ends up in jail or a crack house or wherever then he finds God comes back and a few months later is off the wagon again. So needless to say I don't feel comfortable with that situation and I don't want my son there. So the ex tells me today that our son would rather go there and wants to know why he can't. The noble ex tells him well you have to talk to mommy about that she said you can't go there. What a guy!!! So my question is what do I tell him. He is 7 yrs old. My initial thought was to just tell him that Caleb's daddy did some bad things to Caleb's mommy and family and I don't feel that it is a good idea for him to be there just in case Caleb's daddy comes back, etc. Then I know this will lead to more questions. I don't know how much to tell him. My other thought is to just say he can't go there because I am the mommy and I don't think it is in his best interest. But that will lead to more questions. What should I do??? Of course if his a$$hole father wouldn't have told him Caleb's mommy was going to watch him in the first place (even though he knows that is in violation of our agreement) I wouldn't have to worry about this - but of course he wants to make me look like the bad guy!!!!
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Old 06-08-2005, 07:28 AM
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Tell him he's precious, talk to him about how he feels about his favourite belonging - then tell him he's a million times more precious to you than that.

Tell him like he has to care for his stuff and make sure it's safe you have to do that for him too. Tell him Mummies have to know people really well and trust them for years before they let their bestest thing in the world stay there. Perhaps say that he needs more time to get to know Caleb as a friend first or it might spoil the friendship.

7 yr olds can't keep secrets - what you tell him could well be said to Caleb and maybe his parents.
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Old 06-08-2005, 07:43 AM
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I know that summer day care is quite pricey, but I know about another mom that I work with who's ex H was trying to do the same thing with her kids. He didnt want to split the day care costs, he wasnt thinking really about the kids well being, he was thinking in terms of dollars and cents.

Her day care sounds like a wonderful program that is organized with alot of field trips and summer activities, her kids actually like going there most of the time. It's like day camp to them, swimming, field trips, oh just all kinds of things there. This is really good for her kids, consistency, she never has to worry about them not showing up.

He may not understand completly at his age the dangerous situation he would be in, As his parent, you are not always going to be the good guy, and one day that little guy may thank you for caring enough to not go along with his father's wants, and his wants.

You do what you think is best for your child.
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Old 06-08-2005, 07:50 AM
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A parent's job is not to be a "good guy".

Its to give love, support and protection to thier child.
Its to teach them how to be responsible, kind and self-respecting.
Its to make decisions that people wont like or undertstand in order to accompish the above.

Your powerless over his fathers stupid words to him, but your not powerless in how to protect him from his dumb decisions.

Do you want to protect and care for your child or do you want your child to "like" you?

The ex's of our lives do tend to put us in that position of being the bad guy. So be it.

Make the decision thats best and healthiest for your boy, explain to him you have a difference of opinion than daddy's, and its ok for people to disgree, and its also ok if you r boy doesnt like your decision.

Id rather have an angry child at me, than a dead or injured one.

If the ex refuses to enforce your agreement for child care, consult an attorney.

Good luck!
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Old 06-08-2005, 08:12 AM
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Thanks for you advise - I'm not worried about being the bad guy - I'm always the bad guy and I am used to that now. I always say (not to my son) that I am the parent and daddy is the playmate. I just don't like that I have to be put in the position of dissapointing my son. I will - there is no way I am letting him go to the other sitter - it just stinks because he was looking forward to that and it's hard to know where to draw the line on what to tell them.
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Old 06-08-2005, 08:17 AM
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Well, "daddy" should have talked to you about it before he told your son.

I agree with how you want to tell your son - if will simply be telling him the truth and there is nothing wrong with the truth. Like FOB said, I'd rather be the bad guy than have my son get hurt.

As far as disappointments, simply put....he'll get over it. I've learned that kids are very resiliant. Learning and dealing with disappointments is a fact of life and will help him in the future.

You are a good mom
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Old 06-08-2005, 11:37 AM
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don't know how close you are to them, but maybe as a consolation you could have him invite his little buddy over to your house for a playdate. that way he gets the benefit of playing and you don't have to worry about him going over there. that's usually what i do if i don't trust the parents-god knows i have plenty of idiot relatives whom i refuse to allow my kids to go visit.
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Old 06-08-2005, 11:57 AM
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Thanks for the suggestion escape artist - my son does get to play with this little boy - they are neighbors to my exhusband so he plays with him when he is over there. He really doesn't like this boy enough to want to invite him to our house to play. If he is having friends over at our house he would rather have his friends from school or the neighbors. The problem is that he would rather play with this kid all day than go to a babysitter. The babysitter has structure and rules, etc. I'm guessing playing with Caleb would be just that - playtime. It's just so frustrating that because my ex is so bitter he has to always do stuff to make my life miserable. Like today I was so excited about getting my son after work today because he was with his dad since Sunday but now because I can only imagine what his father has filled his head with I have in the back of my mind what will I have to deal with. Will he be his happy go lucky self or will he be miserable?? I don't want to even have to deal with the issue of why he isn't going to Caleb's mommy for the summer. It is so frustrating. I live my life I do the best I can I am happy, my son is happy, I have a good family, I have good friends I could go on and on - but I have this man whose only goal in life is to aggrevate me. And yes I know I shouldn't let him get to me and if he was not the father of my child he would not get to me however when he is threatening to take him to a new daycare provider, or he's telling him awful (and untrue) things about me and just in general being a jerk it does get to me. Anyone reading this who is thinking about having children with their partner - even if he is not an A - take my advice be very very careful - there were a lot of things I saw in this man that were very clear indicators of how he would be in a divorce situation - however I didn't plan the pregnancy - although I wouldn't trade him for the world - it is just so very difficult having to deal with all of this and it is hell on the kids. My ex told my son that I was going to get married again and have a new family and then I wouldn't want him anymore. Imagine how that must feel to a child. It's awful. Please please please listen to what I'm saying before you have children - make sure you know your partner.
Okay I'm off my soapbox.
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Old 06-08-2005, 01:57 PM
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(even though he knows that is in violation of our agreement)
There you go. Let him know that a rule was agreed upon by you and his dad that... and that you will abide by the courts(?) decision so no one gets in trouble.
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Old 06-09-2005, 03:45 AM
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Just an update for anyone interested, I picked my son up at the sitter yesterday and for the first time in 2 years I got a bad report. She said and these are her exact words "I don't know what was wrong with him today - he was awful". She said he was grumpy all day, didn't want to participate, started games then wanted to quit half way through, refused to eat his afternoon snack, etc. She asked him what is wrong but he wouldn't talk to her, she asked if he has a problem with one of the other kids or with her or whatever. As soon as I got there he went out to the car while I talked to her so when I get to the car he has an attitude and I ask him what is wrong. Of course he tells me nothing he just doesn't like going to this babysitter. Of course he didn't mind going there before but now that daddy has had a chance to work on him and tell him how he could go to Caleb's mommy but I won't let him, etc. etc. So I told my son that his behavior is not acceptable and that there is no way he is going to be switching babysitters no matter how bad he acts out at the current sitter. So he asks why he can't go to Caleb's mom and I told him that I am the mommy and I need to do what is best for him and I don't feel that going to Caleb's mom would be the best thing for him. He asked why and I said I just don't think it is the best situation and I'm not going to discuss it any further and he totally dropped the subject and was pleasant the rest of the night. Of course he will be back at his dad's house after T-ball tonight so we'll see how long the pleasant mood lasts.
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Old 06-09-2005, 06:24 AM
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good job benefits. poor kid. too bad the ex can't see how he is not helping his son at all using his manipulative tactics. makes you wish they could see themselves acting younger than their own children and behaving worse. on the other hand, your child is probably very aware that you are the one in charge and maybe one day he will tell his own father to grow up!
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