What Are The Chances????
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
What Are The Chances????
I wonder if my husband can ever be happy with just one woman in his life.
He was faithful to me for the first 7 years of our marriage, then he started drinking again after 10 years sober. During his six year relapse he cheated on me at least once and it was a long term thing sort of, lasted a year but they only slept together three times).
Well now he is sober again and in discussions and confessions I have learned some new information and put some old information together and find that this man has had little or no respect for marriage at anytime in his life EXCEPT for the seven years he was sober and married to me.
In his early 20's he had a child with a woman who was married, this was the result of a long term affair.
In his mid-20's he had a one night stand with his brothers wife while his brothers infant twin daughters slept in their crib in the room. This one night stand resulted in a pregnancy and ultimate abortion. His brother does not know to this day and that was 22 years ago.
He was married before and cheated on her once during the marriage and later they split and he was with several women during their seperation, they got back together, he cheated again and it ended. I might add he was drinking heavily during this marriage.
So I sit and wonder, he is now sober, swears he only wants me and as long as he is sober he will be faithful. If you read my posts, you will find that this statement from him is most likely untrue as he has already been caught working the AA meetings for chicks that are easy and been caught with one.
I do not want to end this marriage, it is my second. I am in Al anon and an aftercare program and he attends AA and aftercare. We are going to counseling, but I still have this nagging doubt that he will never be happy with just one woman, even if he remains faithful, he will never be happy. I don't want to be with a man who isn't happy with me and me alone. I am not ready to move on, but have move out of our marriage bed. I am detaching lovingly, and still maintain a relationship with him but with out intimacy.
I want him to go to counseling alone and figure out why he needs to seduce women. I have not discussed this with him yet as I don't know how to approch the topic without seeming demanding or controling.
Has anyone else had this type of problem with a boyfriend or husband. Did you stay in the relationship, were they faithful, are you happy???? I am not ready to move on just yet, but really have huge doubts.
I know some of you will just come in and say dump him, move on, get the heck out of the relationship. Trust me, I have been told this already. I want to find out some other true life experience with this type of situation and what happened and what was done to make the situation better.
I don't want to spend my life wondering if I have an STD everytime I get an itch down there and I don't want to play detective anymore.
Constructive suggestions or stories of your experience with this type of thing and how you handled it or how it came out are requested here.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
God Bless
He was faithful to me for the first 7 years of our marriage, then he started drinking again after 10 years sober. During his six year relapse he cheated on me at least once and it was a long term thing sort of, lasted a year but they only slept together three times).
Well now he is sober again and in discussions and confessions I have learned some new information and put some old information together and find that this man has had little or no respect for marriage at anytime in his life EXCEPT for the seven years he was sober and married to me.
In his early 20's he had a child with a woman who was married, this was the result of a long term affair.
In his mid-20's he had a one night stand with his brothers wife while his brothers infant twin daughters slept in their crib in the room. This one night stand resulted in a pregnancy and ultimate abortion. His brother does not know to this day and that was 22 years ago.
He was married before and cheated on her once during the marriage and later they split and he was with several women during their seperation, they got back together, he cheated again and it ended. I might add he was drinking heavily during this marriage.
So I sit and wonder, he is now sober, swears he only wants me and as long as he is sober he will be faithful. If you read my posts, you will find that this statement from him is most likely untrue as he has already been caught working the AA meetings for chicks that are easy and been caught with one.
I do not want to end this marriage, it is my second. I am in Al anon and an aftercare program and he attends AA and aftercare. We are going to counseling, but I still have this nagging doubt that he will never be happy with just one woman, even if he remains faithful, he will never be happy. I don't want to be with a man who isn't happy with me and me alone. I am not ready to move on, but have move out of our marriage bed. I am detaching lovingly, and still maintain a relationship with him but with out intimacy.
I want him to go to counseling alone and figure out why he needs to seduce women. I have not discussed this with him yet as I don't know how to approch the topic without seeming demanding or controling.
Has anyone else had this type of problem with a boyfriend or husband. Did you stay in the relationship, were they faithful, are you happy???? I am not ready to move on just yet, but really have huge doubts.
I know some of you will just come in and say dump him, move on, get the heck out of the relationship. Trust me, I have been told this already. I want to find out some other true life experience with this type of situation and what happened and what was done to make the situation better.
I don't want to spend my life wondering if I have an STD everytime I get an itch down there and I don't want to play detective anymore.
Constructive suggestions or stories of your experience with this type of thing and how you handled it or how it came out are requested here.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
God Bless
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((HG)))
I think what we have to do is learn to trust ourselves and our instincts. I think living in active addiction leads us not to believe our own gut or even our own ears and eyes. If you feel you are being lied to you probably are right about it. Trust yourself...
I do not know what the chances are of your relationship working out the way you want it to. But, I do know without a doubt you can trust yourself if you let yourself.
I think what we have to do is learn to trust ourselves and our instincts. I think living in active addiction leads us not to believe our own gut or even our own ears and eyes. If you feel you are being lied to you probably are right about it. Trust yourself...
I do not know what the chances are of your relationship working out the way you want it to. But, I do know without a doubt you can trust yourself if you let yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Harleygirl,
It's quite possible your husband has a sex addiction along with alcoholism.
Maybe you could try S-Anon meetings either in your area or on-line.
The way you can be happy Harleygirl is if you can honestly accept your husband exactly how he is without wanting to change him in anyway. If you feel that being married to someone who will cheat on you won't devastate your self-respect and self-esteem then you will be happy. If you strongly feel that you can live life like that and not care if he cheats on you then you can continue your marriage. If you feel that it's perfectly normal to HAVE to go periodically to get checked for STD's and you feel okay about putting your health on the line then no problem.
I think you are settling to live under dreadful circumstances and that's terrible for you.
Your husband won't change unless he wants to.
Ngaire
It's quite possible your husband has a sex addiction along with alcoholism.
Maybe you could try S-Anon meetings either in your area or on-line.
The way you can be happy Harleygirl is if you can honestly accept your husband exactly how he is without wanting to change him in anyway. If you feel that being married to someone who will cheat on you won't devastate your self-respect and self-esteem then you will be happy. If you strongly feel that you can live life like that and not care if he cheats on you then you can continue your marriage. If you feel that it's perfectly normal to HAVE to go periodically to get checked for STD's and you feel okay about putting your health on the line then no problem.
I think you are settling to live under dreadful circumstances and that's terrible for you.
Your husband won't change unless he wants to.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
My ex-ABF seemed to have the same issues.
He cheated on me before we moved in together... and lied about it, but felt justified cuz at the time we were dating others with the understanding that we only "slept" with each other and if we wanted to change the arrangement we would before the act.
Well after getting over that one, using his understanding.... we moved in together. A month later he came home out of the blue and wanted to break up saying I was too perfect *laughs* I think he slept with someone then.. but no proof. Then about 1 1/2 months later he was out drinking everynight and did not come home, I then made arrangements for him to move to my friends place who had an extra room... within a week he was sleeping with a Bartender..... after my Mother passed away we started talking again.. he was getting counceling and I was convienced that he was getting the help he needed.... well he was still drinking and there were a couple times I thought he could have been cheating but no proof... then the BIG day came, he got sober and I was hopeful.... within the Month he was sleeping with a girl he met in AA. He then told me he was not in love with me and it ended with my daughter and I moving.
Since then he says that he is going to counceling and AA is 7 months sober and that the counceler and he have come to the decision he is addicted to sex as well... he says he is making an effort at no relationships till his one year and that he loves me... two days later he tells me he and his ex-wife (who is living with her babies father) are going to work on getting back together.... *sighs* How is that for the story you are looking for?
I have come to the point that I understand he has an addictive personality, if its not drinking, porn, sex, different women, AA ... you name it, it will be something else. I hope he gets the help he needs and can find peace for himself .... But in the end we are not together ... One person is not enough for him, nor is one that wants a normal life.
Hope that helps.
He cheated on me before we moved in together... and lied about it, but felt justified cuz at the time we were dating others with the understanding that we only "slept" with each other and if we wanted to change the arrangement we would before the act.
Well after getting over that one, using his understanding.... we moved in together. A month later he came home out of the blue and wanted to break up saying I was too perfect *laughs* I think he slept with someone then.. but no proof. Then about 1 1/2 months later he was out drinking everynight and did not come home, I then made arrangements for him to move to my friends place who had an extra room... within a week he was sleeping with a Bartender..... after my Mother passed away we started talking again.. he was getting counceling and I was convienced that he was getting the help he needed.... well he was still drinking and there were a couple times I thought he could have been cheating but no proof... then the BIG day came, he got sober and I was hopeful.... within the Month he was sleeping with a girl he met in AA. He then told me he was not in love with me and it ended with my daughter and I moving.
Since then he says that he is going to counceling and AA is 7 months sober and that the counceler and he have come to the decision he is addicted to sex as well... he says he is making an effort at no relationships till his one year and that he loves me... two days later he tells me he and his ex-wife (who is living with her babies father) are going to work on getting back together.... *sighs* How is that for the story you are looking for?
I have come to the point that I understand he has an addictive personality, if its not drinking, porn, sex, different women, AA ... you name it, it will be something else. I hope he gets the help he needs and can find peace for himself .... But in the end we are not together ... One person is not enough for him, nor is one that wants a normal life.
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
I don't want to be with a man who isn't happy with me and me alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
It seems to me that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Now, that's not to say that we can't change - every day we live our life in a healthier way, we create a new past. I too wanted my ex to go to counselling to address his problems from his past and he did after I issued him with an ultimatum. Unfortunately, I think he was only doing it so that I didn't leave and so wasn't participating in it fully. The only way it'll work is if he makes the decision that he needs help.
Is there any other reson why you don't want to end this marriage, apart from the fact that you don't want 2 marriages to end in divorce?
I do not want to end this marriage, it is my second.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I dont think that my H will ever be satisfied with just me, because he is not satisfied with himself, (It has nothing to do with me).
He is so unhappy inside, he is confused, miserable and a very angry person, I dont even think he knows why, he looks toward me for his happiness, like I did him, but through recovery I know better now, I have to find happiness withing myself, and until he learns to stop looking to me for happiness, I dont think he will ever change.
My H cheated on me also, and it was a very hard thing to deal with, and one year later I am still not over it, I dont think I ever will be completly. I have to decide for myself if this is what I want for the rest of my life, a question I think about quite a bit now, since reality is hitting home almost everyday. I do deserve better then this.
My counselor told me that this other woman was my H self medication, like beer is. Drinking beer everyday is like living in a make believe world. His affair was another form of a make believe world. No responsibilities, no bills, no expectations of each other, it was just fun, laughter and getting away with something that was taboo, it was like two adults acting like children who just got away with stealing a cookie for a cookie jar. They were both hiding and escaping from real life, not caring who they hurt in the process. Another part of alcoholism (SELFISH), self gratifying, inconsiderete, immature, self seeking, okay I will stop.
The one thing that I have learned through this experience, it that It is not my fault. I am a good, kind, loving, compassionte, giving person that could rock his world, but I am also down to earth, and simple, but he sees me as being overbearing, controlling. He wants to float around and be worshipped, and waited on. He want to be constantly awarded for marrying someone with two children, because no one else would do what he does. He want other people to feel sorry for him and he make things worse to others, so they will take pity on him, and thats how he builds other relationships.
I say get the hell over yourself, nothing abnormal goes on in this house, except for your excessive drinking and anger management problems.
He is so unhappy inside, he is confused, miserable and a very angry person, I dont even think he knows why, he looks toward me for his happiness, like I did him, but through recovery I know better now, I have to find happiness withing myself, and until he learns to stop looking to me for happiness, I dont think he will ever change.
My H cheated on me also, and it was a very hard thing to deal with, and one year later I am still not over it, I dont think I ever will be completly. I have to decide for myself if this is what I want for the rest of my life, a question I think about quite a bit now, since reality is hitting home almost everyday. I do deserve better then this.
My counselor told me that this other woman was my H self medication, like beer is. Drinking beer everyday is like living in a make believe world. His affair was another form of a make believe world. No responsibilities, no bills, no expectations of each other, it was just fun, laughter and getting away with something that was taboo, it was like two adults acting like children who just got away with stealing a cookie for a cookie jar. They were both hiding and escaping from real life, not caring who they hurt in the process. Another part of alcoholism (SELFISH), self gratifying, inconsiderete, immature, self seeking, okay I will stop.
The one thing that I have learned through this experience, it that It is not my fault. I am a good, kind, loving, compassionte, giving person that could rock his world, but I am also down to earth, and simple, but he sees me as being overbearing, controlling. He wants to float around and be worshipped, and waited on. He want to be constantly awarded for marrying someone with two children, because no one else would do what he does. He want other people to feel sorry for him and he make things worse to others, so they will take pity on him, and thats how he builds other relationships.
I say get the hell over yourself, nothing abnormal goes on in this house, except for your excessive drinking and anger management problems.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I think my H has a addictive personality, whether it be sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever he does, he does it to the point where it is an obsession.
His new hobbie is computers, he gets so wrapped up into it that he see nothing else but (building them)
His new hobbie is computers, he gets so wrapped up into it that he see nothing else but (building them)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
this sound like my AH, emily- i read your post with great interest, and wish i had as much recovery as you-- i am taking his affair very personally- he left the marriage for it- she dumped him soon after (realized he came with problems/he lost his job that she thought was cool), but he is still hung up on her. he basically told me that he's sober and so can see our relationship for the damaged nothing that it was-- he left without looking back, or questioning it, or even telling me anything he liked about it, or problems he had, or anything-- the marriage wasn't even worth commenting on. it feels so bad.... i'm in a no contact for 60 days thing- over a month to go, and still feeling lousy. i must try harder/wish i could see his affair the way you see your AH's behavior.
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