JennyK

I HATE THIS part...although it is usually the calmest times of my life.

I call my husband on his behavior and he is all remorseful.

Then he is totally in line for a time, sometimes a long time, sometimes a short time.

I have learned that these times are golden to me. I use him to do all the things that I need him to do. Things that I won't do. Things that I would have to hire someone to do. Things that never get done.

So my house is in good shape because he feels like crap, since I called him on his bad behavior.

So, I am enjoying having a sober and well functioning and polite and loving husband around since he is feeling guilty.

So, I am knowing this will end. And THIS time, I swear THIS time, I have a true plan for when it does end.

ACK...I am so wrapped up in "my life according to my husband's behavior" that I can't even see straight.

This is a true and a sick pattern for me. I KNOW what do to when he is irresponsible and drunk, I know what to do when he is "trying to be sober", I FAIL to remember these things in the transition time between the 2...one way or the other.

I fear him coming home from work...that he will be drunk. I find joy in the fact that he is not. I dread payday, that he will squander our money. I praise God when he hands me lots of cash. I am relying on him for my emotional well being and it is like holding onto one of those life rafts that you read about in Readers Digest. How stressful is that????

I HAVE a plan. I really really do. And part of me just wants him to screw up ONE more time so I can finally just DO IT. Then he does something like come home totally sober, tell me honestly how his day was, does the dishes, brushes the HUGE dog, puts the kids to bed and kisses me endlessly on the couch. and I think...WHAT plan was that????

I am not an insane person. Yet I am willing to live with this sickness...for today.

Jenny

wraybear

WOW! I know exactly how you feel.

I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. I told her I was tired of my happiness being based on his sobriety. But, Jenny, I have come to realize that it is, for me anyway. While he was gone these past 7 months, I was actually happier and more peaceful as I didn't have that worry of me coming home to a drunk.

I am not saying separation is the answer. I am just saying it was a lot easier than I thought it would be, especially after the first month or two. And, I think our separation has finally clued him into what he MUST do to save this family. Yeah, I probably separated thinking maybe this will knock some sense into him. But, I did it for me and the kids too. I could no longer live with an addict, period. I can't do it anymore. It is unhealthy for me and my kids.

So, I hope you can find peace. I have always admired the way that you "know how to live with an alcoholic." I guess I thought I did too. But after 17 years, and the progressiveness of the addiction, things have changed.

Peace to you tomorrow. I hope you can find some blessings in the day.

drgnfly30

Wow... I can relate to both of you so much right now! I like to say that I don't gage my life by his drinking but I do... I'm realizing this because his disease IS progressing & the 'rules' are changing on me.... and as a result I've had more downs than ups on this roller coaster lately. I need a plan.. I really do..
Thanks, very thought provoking!

GettingBy

(((JennY)))),

I'm right there with you! B is on his BEST behavior right now (you may recall the posts a few weeks ago where he went on a bender and overdrew the account?!?!) and is so full of remorse. He's been Mr. Handy-man and Mr. Super-Helpful and most importantly Mr. I just love spending time with you! I love it. It's nice having someone to share not just the chores with, but to have my loving, fun husband back.

I know how easy it is to worry about the "what ifs", especially the big one of "what if he falls off the wagon again." B is "going out" after work tonight. When he first said it, my gut went into a giant knot, and then I had to remember that I just have to trust. Trust that whatever is meant to happen is going to happen. I have to get on with living. Tonight is my night to go riding with my cycling club.... so I focus on that. Staying focused on me, doesn't allow me much head space for him and his drinking. (It's still there in the back of my mind, but I don't allow it to be a priority!)

We take it one day at a time. Like you, today I'm living with the illness. Will I be tomorrow? I don't know, I can't plan that far in advance anymore! Enjoy the fact that your "husband" is here now, but don't forget to keep taking care of you! It's so easy to slip into the old behavior (of completely depending on them for our happiness!!) when they aren't drinking. It's so cunning and baffling!

:-) Shannon

P.S. I wanted to add that you can still have the plan. Keep a journal so that you don't forget. That is what will end the cycle for you. Plus, when the shoe does drop, you have your "tools" to keep you from going insane!! You're doing great!

anangel2long

Oh, how I know how it feels. The times when my AH is in a good mood and talking positive, but then just like a bolt of lightening, he changes. I too do things for myself and with my son. And we enjoy the times when he is not home or when we can get away. But lately I have been really trying to focus on whether I even want to stay with this man. How can I put up with the crap day after day. And he doesn't even think or realize it. Today he was trying to get us to plan on camping with him this weekend. Can you imagine what it is like camping w/ a drunk?? I would have to make sure we have all the food and supplies and to all the work. No way! I remember one such camp out where he threw the food across the fire, cuz it wasn't done right. Or other times when he has passed out in the lawn chair, snoring away, by the fire. Yuck! To tell the truth we love it when he decides to go to the bar & drink, then we don't have to put up with his constant carping. So sad he is so unhappy.... Why should I have to share the misery, just because he is miserable. In 2 weeks I have an appointment w/ an attorney and maybe I'll see our way off this roller coaster ride. Because, now my stomach just gets nausious thinking of putting up with this for the rest of his life (as he will die long before I will).

queenofthehwy

I am crying so hard now i can't even begin to tell you all how much this thread has been something that i needed to read. I was about to go to bed but i came here and read this. I love you guys!!!!
Mindi