JessicaNAJ

I am just starting to realize what adds to my anxiety. Getting involved in others affairs and trying to "fix" their problems. I realized that many of my friends come to me to talk about their problems. My problem is I feel like I have to help them "fix" it.

Well, I'm sick of it. One friend in particular. I don't need the drama. I have enough of my own problems to think about. Listening to her actually gave me an anxiety attack.

She attacked me yesterday b/c she thought I was hiding things from her. Of course, I attacked her right back and told her she was paranoid. I don't need that, you know.

I even asked her if she didn't not realize this was awkward for me too (man troubles who, b/c of her, I have become friends with - she says she is okay with that, but she thought another friend was getting with him and accused me of going along with it - Whatever!!! That's HS stuff. I'm 31 - too old for that crap).

She is my neighbor. I can't hide from her. Especially since I love to sit on my porch.

Sigh.....On going drama.....

Just needed to vent and any suggestions would be nice.

cloudy

((jessica)) you sound like my sister. She gets all stressed out because of friends wanting to do this do that, talk on the phone with all of them, worry about their problems, get sucked into them, whether by them or her, etc. and one day I told her stop answering the phone. Don't return every single call. One other thing to maybe try is during conversations just kind of listen...just say hmmm, yeah, hmm I don't know...in a "thinking" sort of way. It might even be they just want someone to listen anyway. I know sometimes with my sister (and she is getting better) and not that this is how you are but with her, sometimes I would not talk to her because I just wanted someone to listen not give me advice to fix things how they thought it should. Just someone to listen and say, oh yeah, understandable...or ohhh...yeah....you poor thing and a hug or whatever. Hope this helps some....my minds not the clearest right now anyway but I hope you feel better you're a nice person try to relax (and if you figure out how to relax let me know cause i could use some tips!)

cwohio

jess - i know you said this before - is she really that good of a friend if she thinks you are not being straight with her? tell her how you feel - if yu think you cannot just listen and not be pulled in to being expected to or feeling like you need to fix, then just explain that you don't want to go there.

GettingBy

(((Jessica))),

I know the feeling well! Sounds like it's time for you to enforce your boundaries. You obviously can't block this girl out of your life (since she's your neighbor!), but you have to decide what kind of relationship you want from her. A casual friend? A close friend? Just an aquaintance? It's really your choice!

I guess it all boils down to the 3 C's... you didn't cause it, you can't control it, or cure it. She has man problems that you didn't cause, can't control, or cure. If you can't just sit and listen, and you still want to be friends, then you have to tell her to stop talking to you about the man problems.

Hope this helps. I know it's not always easy setting up boundaries... but it really is for our own health.
-Shannon

GettingBy

You know... I'm reading what I just wrote... and I'm not sure that I said that correctly. Going back to the 3 C's... you can't control what she will/won't say... so if the topic comes up you have a choice to either sit & listen, change the subject, or separate yourself from the conversation.

Like I said, boundaries aren't easy... and I struggle continually with the difference between setting boundaries and trying to control others. I hope some of what I have said has made some sense... Lord knows I just got myself all confused! LOL!

JessicaNAJ

When her ex b/f started talking to me about her and her behavior I told him I wasn't going to get in the middle. I'm not doing that. I told him I would be more than happy to listen if he needed, but that's it. I don't want to get involved.

Then she started.l...and being a friend I didn't say anything to her, but I kinda tuned her out. I don't want to hear about what guy she's with this week or what lie she just told this person, or what this other guy said about how sexy she is (which btw, she's not all that). But as her friend, I didn't want to be rude and tell her I don't want to hear it. So I tuned her out.

It really bothers me the way she treats this guy (her ex). I'm sure he's no saint and I probably haven't heard the whole truth from him, but for her to allow him to stay at her house, making him "think" they are still a couple and then lie to him and cheat on him. AND Then after she talks about how big of an a$$ he is, she "plays" him. How wrong is that?

I did wash my hands of her. A week ago when listening to her put me in an anxiety attack. I made up my mind that I cannot put myself in that situation.

This is such a long story. I'm just very frustrated and don't know what to do. Seems I try to seperate myself and I get pulled right back in. Am I that big of a push over??

She said we (me and another friend of hers) picked her ex over her .... because we didn't go out with her. She had other plans and they fell through. NOT ONCE did she call me to see what I was doing. If she had called and said, "hey, what are you doing? My plans fell through." I would have offered for her to go with us. I'm not a mind reader!!! Sorry, just another vent. I'm so frustrated

Last night I told her that I don't want to be in the middle of this. He's my friend too but I've known her first and I will not do anything to jeopardize anything she has told me in confidence. AND I told her that if they do get back together, I don't want any part of it. I also told him that I will not pick between either, him or her. What a mess.... He's really not a bad person. He's CoDe and an alcoholic.... She's, I don't know, paranoid, has anxiety issues, thinks she's all that, low self esteem.....

This has to stop. I only hope today I can go home and get some peace.

cloudy

I don’t know if this is good or not and like I said my head’s not so clear right now but, maybe it’s time to just “blow your top” and say “HEY – you wanna know what I think? Here’s what I think! And tell them and say now I don’t want in this anymore! You wanna come have coffee fine otherwise settle it amongst yourselves!” I think there are some times where this may be the only way. Like when I was little and my friend’s mom said I had to eat liver she made for dinner or my friend would be grounded. I tried to keep quiet and keep the peace, I tried to eat that liver and then I just said ok I’ve HAD IT! I blew my top, let them “have it” and I never had to deal with that again.

splendra

I had to tell off a really good friend of mine who constantly kept calling me with her boyfriend problems. She has 2 of them she lives with one and sees this other one who has another girlfriend who calls her and b!thches her out about seeing this guy. It would stress me out that a 50 something year old woman would be calling me with this JR High School problem. Finally I told hey I care about you but you have been living with this $hit for more than 20 years so I figure you must like it so please lets talk about something else or not at all. Our relationship has cooled a lot because that is all she wants to talk about. She did tell me that several other of her friends have complained to her about the same thing. So maybe if she can't talk about it to any of her friends she might just work it out with the people involved or not...but I don't care anymore.

GettingBy

That is your boundary. Enough is enough. Stop putting yourself through the anxiety and frustration. Tell her flat out that you can no longer be friends. If she pushes the issue and wants a reason, be honest. Tell her you disagree with the way she is handling herself and the choices she has made. You're dancing around your feelings with her (trying to spare her hurt feelings) and it's killing you. What is it that you are afraid of? If you're honest with her, are you afraid she'll get mad and never speak to you again? Sounds to me like that may not be such a bad thing right now.