JennyK

my husband had the day off and kept my son home from daycare so they could get haircuts and play baseball. When I arrived home, I saw the 1/2 empty gin bottle on the counter and it was obvoius that my husband had been drinking with his friend. Although he was not drunk.

The plan this summer is for him to be home with the kids on his 2 day off each week so I can work.

I am in the mode of not addressing his drinking...it is keeping me sane right now.

Although I feel the need to make back up plans for childcare this summer if he becomes clear to me that he will be drinking on his days off. I can't trust him.

I am sad that I can't just talk to him about my fears. I know he will lie to me and reassure me and then do what he wants anyway.

I wonder if I should just make the plans for childcare and tell him that I feel more comfortable with them keeping the same routine.

I hate this part.

Jenny

Sapphoness

My hubby did the same thing when I returned to work in January, he couldn't be trusted not to drink when he was to be responsible for child care. I had to take time off work to rearrange things, find alternate childcare with sitter and family. He now is only allowed to watch her for 3 hours at a time when I am working, until he proves that can be trusted again. It has only been 3 weeks since he had his last drink. I knwo he loves her, but that wasn't enough for him not to drink when he was watching her. It is a shame when you have to worry about a father caring for their own child, bad enough you ahve to be concerned about baby sitters!!! So, yes make alternate plans, for your children and for your peace of mind.

Cynay

Well if it were me I would not want to spend the next however long worrying about my kid during the day because of his behavior, so since you can not control his drinking... control what you can to give you peace of mind.

Remember its all about you here....What do you need to do for YOU

Savana 54

Ditto to what Cynay said.

It seems like many of us wish we could trust them, but in reality, I don't think we ever can while they are drinking. Their behaviour is unreliable and irrational at best.

minnie

Jenny, my heart aches for you.

You know you have to do what is right and safe for the kids. It is sad that the pain he is burying with his drink is too much to be able to spend time with his kids. Unfortuantely, we have to deal in reality. How well would you able to do your job if you were worrying about if he was drinking when he was looking after the kids?

Surely he can only be trusted if he PROVES he can be trusted?

walkingtheline

If you had hired a sitter and came home and found the gin bottle, the sitter would be gone faster than you could say "out-a-here". Don't spend your time worrying...make sure the kids are somewhere safe just to relieve YOU.

If he asks, tell him the truth..."I am uncomfortable leaving the children with someone who is drinking while caring for them."

queenofthehwy

I agree with WTL I know it would be terribly hard to do that, but it makes sense.

Buster

Jenny - I agree with Cynay

For your own peace of mind...I would seek alternative childcare and I would tell your husband that you do not like to leave him with the kids if he has been drinking, no drama, just tell him and leav it at that

wraybear

JennyK, are you doing this because you think if he watches the kids he will be less likely to drink?

Jenny, you know my story. I trusted my husband one too many times and eventually he, after being sober for 5 months, got drunk, ran off the road, and hit a tree with my children in the car. My 5 year old was in the hospital for 13 days with spinal fracture, liver damage and had to have emergency surgery on intestines.

I thought this would NEVER happen. My husband is a good Christian man. God will protect him and my children.

Once the active addiction starts, they can't control whether they drink and drive or whether they fall asleep on the couch for hours, or whether they yell inappropriately. or whether they get so depressed they contemplate suicide. They are insane and shouldn't be expected to control their actions when using.

You have said recently that he has lost his temper with you. What would happen to your kids mental health if he did that with them?

This may be a good time for you to set a boundary and simply tell him he is not trustworthy to be with the kids all day and that you are making other arrangements.

JennyK, I know this is so difficult. We want to be able to trust our husbands. We SHOULD be able to trust our husbands. But, realistically we can't.

I know I am being very forward right now, but I hope you can think long and hard about the consequences of his actions. One consequence may be that he can't watch the kids until he has shown a pattern of change.

Think about your reasons for doing this?

Are you doing this for just financial reasons?
Are you doing this because you think if he watches the kids he will be less likely to drink?
Are you doing this so he can have quality time with his kids?

Do you really want your children alone with him all day if he drinks?

I am sorry if this is "in your face" - it is not my intention, it is my intention to help you think long and hard about this decision.

JennyK

Don't even apologize for the in your face stuff...I totally understand.

The plan for him to watch the kids this summer dated back to when he was not drinking.

I told him this morning that I was going to make plans for the kids to go to daycare all summer since I can not trust him to be sober while he is with them.

I will call my childcare provider on Monday and get it all set up.