New here and so confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
New here and so confused
Hi All:
I've been a lurker at SR for a very long time. This may be kinda long. I have an ABF - on and off for close to 3 years. His alcoholism has taken him to jail several times, rehab, hospitals, homelessness and joblessness. For the most part, I've been there through it all. We lived together in the beginning until I couldn't take it anymore. He's been pretty much down and out for the last 2 years. Every time I think I'm done with him, I get sucked back in. My friends and family don't understand and frankly neither do I. As with most alcoholics, when sober, he is a very kind, moral, hardworking man. With his vodka addiction, he is none of that. I went to a couple of al anon meetings when we were together, but when I "broke up" with him I stopped figuring he's out of the picture so why the meetings. He just got out of jail a month ago for stealing and pawning my sisters ring for a bottle of booze. You think that would do it? Nope. He called when he got out, said and sounded like he'd changed and I fell for it hook line and sinker.
The last three weeks have been not so good. I can't get over the resentments I have for his past behavior. And to be honest, hate being with somebody that has to start at the bottom at his age ( 39) - His old boss took him back and let him stay in a house he is remodeling - as long as he didn't drink. Well today he did. We had been arguing the last few days and this morning he went and got a bottle. His boss found him passed out. Of course, the BF said it's all my fault, I did it to him, I didn't want him anymore etc. Why in the world do I feel like maybe it is my fault? Mabye if I didn't have a few beers with him last week, or maybe if I trusted him more, or didn't lose my temper with him.
Can any of you wise people tell me what my problem is, why I can't let this man who I have no ties to, go and how do I get over the feeling that maybe it is my fault he hit the bottle again. By they way, I too drink too much at times, and that is something I hear all the time too: you drink and someday you may end up like me and I'd never abandon you like that.
I've been a lurker at SR for a very long time. This may be kinda long. I have an ABF - on and off for close to 3 years. His alcoholism has taken him to jail several times, rehab, hospitals, homelessness and joblessness. For the most part, I've been there through it all. We lived together in the beginning until I couldn't take it anymore. He's been pretty much down and out for the last 2 years. Every time I think I'm done with him, I get sucked back in. My friends and family don't understand and frankly neither do I. As with most alcoholics, when sober, he is a very kind, moral, hardworking man. With his vodka addiction, he is none of that. I went to a couple of al anon meetings when we were together, but when I "broke up" with him I stopped figuring he's out of the picture so why the meetings. He just got out of jail a month ago for stealing and pawning my sisters ring for a bottle of booze. You think that would do it? Nope. He called when he got out, said and sounded like he'd changed and I fell for it hook line and sinker.
The last three weeks have been not so good. I can't get over the resentments I have for his past behavior. And to be honest, hate being with somebody that has to start at the bottom at his age ( 39) - His old boss took him back and let him stay in a house he is remodeling - as long as he didn't drink. Well today he did. We had been arguing the last few days and this morning he went and got a bottle. His boss found him passed out. Of course, the BF said it's all my fault, I did it to him, I didn't want him anymore etc. Why in the world do I feel like maybe it is my fault? Mabye if I didn't have a few beers with him last week, or maybe if I trusted him more, or didn't lose my temper with him.
Can any of you wise people tell me what my problem is, why I can't let this man who I have no ties to, go and how do I get over the feeling that maybe it is my fault he hit the bottle again. By they way, I too drink too much at times, and that is something I hear all the time too: you drink and someday you may end up like me and I'd never abandon you like that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are so glad you found us.
You know what, I have/had all the questions you do... even to the sometimes drinking too much.
First of all ..... YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, YOU CANT CONTROL IT, YOU CANT CURE IT
Took me FOREVER to get that one through my thick head... he is only using you as an excuse and not looking at himself or his issues is all.
I would suggest Al-anon, I could/would not stay away from my ex-ABF either... I have played the "what if" and the truth of it is... I will never know, all I know is where I am now... and some of what I want out of life in the future and that is all I have control over and can work on.
Stay and read, Go to Al-anon and keep at it cuz the lessons you will learn will quickly go from "how do I survive with an A in my life" to "how I will choose to live my life"
You know what, I have/had all the questions you do... even to the sometimes drinking too much.
First of all ..... YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, YOU CANT CONTROL IT, YOU CANT CURE IT
Took me FOREVER to get that one through my thick head... he is only using you as an excuse and not looking at himself or his issues is all.
I would suggest Al-anon, I could/would not stay away from my ex-ABF either... I have played the "what if" and the truth of it is... I will never know, all I know is where I am now... and some of what I want out of life in the future and that is all I have control over and can work on.
Stay and read, Go to Al-anon and keep at it cuz the lessons you will learn will quickly go from "how do I survive with an A in my life" to "how I will choose to live my life"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Also pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie..Many times we are addicted to people.
If you think you may have a drinking problem you could check out AA..As you will hear often "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.."
You cannot listen to this man's words..only has actions will tell you the truth..Put the button on mute and look at his actions...
I hope that you will go back to Alanon, find a good group and start working on your self.
Big hug,
Minx
If you think you may have a drinking problem you could check out AA..As you will hear often "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.."
You cannot listen to this man's words..only has actions will tell you the truth..Put the button on mute and look at his actions...
I hope that you will go back to Alanon, find a good group and start working on your self.
Big hug,
Minx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Oh my! First of all, welcome. I'm so very glad you decided to delurk (Unlurk? hahaha) and join us!
Somehow, someway you've learned to accept this treatment. It takes time to find it unacceptable and then even longer to learn new mindsets. I hope you'll consider returning to al-anon and to become an active participant.
You are NOT responsible for his behavior. A's are world class champions at blaming others. Don't buy into it.
I urge you to focus on YOU. Let him worry about him.
Read all you can. And if you're like me, read it AGAIN.
. Go to meetings--make a commitment to yourself to attend regularly. If one group is not your cup of tea, check out others. The key is to commit to to making the positive changes you need to make to live a life filled with peace and contentment.
I look forward to hearing more from you at this forum.
Somehow, someway you've learned to accept this treatment. It takes time to find it unacceptable and then even longer to learn new mindsets. I hope you'll consider returning to al-anon and to become an active participant.
You are NOT responsible for his behavior. A's are world class champions at blaming others. Don't buy into it.
I urge you to focus on YOU. Let him worry about him.
Read all you can. And if you're like me, read it AGAIN.
. Go to meetings--make a commitment to yourself to attend regularly. If one group is not your cup of tea, check out others. The key is to commit to to making the positive changes you need to make to live a life filled with peace and contentment.I look forward to hearing more from you at this forum.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmm..
When Fred lived with me we both drank way too much.
I hated to hear the POP of his beer at 6 am...I was soo hung over.
He "you made me stay out late and now I gotta have a beer" POP
"if you loved me you would not drink" POP
"its all your fault" POP
I thought he was whatI deserved. after all..I did drink too.
I threw him out. I started AA and got sober.
I think being around him made me take an honest look at where I wanted to be and start moving forwaerd.
I hated to hear the POP of his beer at 6 am...I was soo hung over.
He "you made me stay out late and now I gotta have a beer" POP
"if you loved me you would not drink" POP
"its all your fault" POP
I thought he was whatI deserved. after all..I did drink too.
I threw him out. I started AA and got sober.
I think being around him made me take an honest look at where I wanted to be and start moving forwaerd.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
welcome,
what do you want???? most of us dont know... except that we want to save someone from something we have no control over. so actually we are trying to do something we cant... but we try and try and try... until we are wore out
meetings will open doors... sometimes a phrase.. a kind word or a hug is all you need to get thru the next week.
i had to leave because i was always rescuing the A from his behavior. and its.... like visualizing yourself being this thread your A is hanging onto before falling into gods hands.
i had to get myself out of the picture so his HP can do whatever he must for him. i was getting in gods way every time i tried to smooth things over, made excuses, said it wasnt as bad as it was....
now my A is in a free fall to his HP. because i am not there to "rescue" him. and thru his pain..he has a chance to grow. just as you have a chance to grow thru your pain.
good luck and welcome,
quietsins
what do you want???? most of us dont know... except that we want to save someone from something we have no control over. so actually we are trying to do something we cant... but we try and try and try... until we are wore out
meetings will open doors... sometimes a phrase.. a kind word or a hug is all you need to get thru the next week.
i had to leave because i was always rescuing the A from his behavior. and its.... like visualizing yourself being this thread your A is hanging onto before falling into gods hands.
i had to get myself out of the picture so his HP can do whatever he must for him. i was getting in gods way every time i tried to smooth things over, made excuses, said it wasnt as bad as it was....
now my A is in a free fall to his HP. because i am not there to "rescue" him. and thru his pain..he has a chance to grow. just as you have a chance to grow thru your pain.
good luck and welcome,
quietsins
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Thank you all for you great words and advice. You know, reading what I wrote, seeing it "on paper" I was like, what is wrong with ME. I must have serious issues/low self esteem to be with a grown man that cannot or will not function. My usual plan of action would be to go to where he's at after I get off work, see him passed out or still out of it, argue, cry, fight etc. And then knowing me, feel bad if he spent all his money. Tonight, I'm going to do something different: I've made plans to go out with my friend. I've not seen her since I got back with my BF. Partly due to me worrying if I didn't see him one night, he'd get depressed and drink. Sad I know.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Don't be so hard on yourself!! The first thing I learned when I finally woke up out of my fog was that it wasn't my fault and that I was doing the best I could. The fact that you're here (and posting! Yeah!) means that you're recovering. You're getting better! You're making plans for YOU... you're doing great! It takes time and lots of patience. We, like the alcoholics, have slips too. There's no easy way to go cold-turkey on the behavior we've had for so long. So be patience, kind and gentle with yourself! I promise you that you are SOOOOO worth it!
Have fun tonight... and enjoy your whole weekend!
:-) Shannon
Have fun tonight... and enjoy your whole weekend!
:-) Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 42
Enjoy yourself with your friend. You can't fix him, but you can help yourself. if you feel your drinking may be out of control, you should seek help for yourself, if he is not willing to seek help don't let that deter you. When you help yourself( whether it be for drinking or emotional support) you will improve your self esteem and you will realize that you are worth more than this person is giving you.
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