herewegoagain

This week I've really been working on letting go. Up until this point, I was very wrapped up in the decisions my husband made - and very irritated by them, too. I was irritated if he went to lodge, if he went to the bar afterwards, if he left wet clothes in the washer, etc. It's not easy, but I'm trying to remind myself that these are his choices, his life, and I have no control over them. Normally when Thursday rolls around (lodge night) I start to feel anxious. While he's gone I don't sleep well, and wake when he comes home. I check the clock to see what time he's come home, then get mad when it's 1 or 2 am....then it takes me forever to fall back to sleep because I'm mad. Last night was different though. I just decided I wasn't going to keep doing that. He went to lodge as usual, and when I went to bed, I made up my mind that if he goes to the bar - that's his choice. His life is his own. Last night I slept really well. I didn't sleep with one eye open, listening for him to come home. I didn't even hear him come in. Ironically, he came straight home from lodge and didn't go to the bar afterwards, to my surprise. He wanted to be sure I knew, too, because he turned the light on in the dressing area of our bedroom. Then he stood by the bed, waiting for me to wake up. He was excited about something at lodge and wanted to tell me about it. This morning when I got up, he asked in a chipper voice "so did you notice the clock when I got home ?" I lied and said "no." He was proud of himself for coming straight home, but I wasn't sure how to handle his questions. I thought that the best way was to act very non-chalant....like it didn't matter if it was 10:00 or 1:00. What do you think ?

Also, while I've been thinking this week about things, a question came to mind. What is the difference between letting go and denial ? I guess what I'm a little afraid of is when my son is old enough to be aware of my husband being so "busy", that he'll think I was in denial about it and resent me for it. I also don't want to put blinders on - while I think it's important for me to let go of a lot of things, I don't want it to turn into complacency and denial.

Another thing that kind of puzzled me a bit - he seems to be able to go through periods without drinking at all - days, weeks, sometimes several months, and not go through withdrawal. When he does drink, I think he drinks too much and that bothers me (something I'm working on). I'm sure your first thought is "are you sure he's not drinking during those times ?" and yes - I'm as sure as I can be without monitoring him 24/7.

Sorry so long and for all the questions....I guess when you're new a lot of questions come to mind.

GettingBy

First off, I'm soooo glad to hear that you got to sleep last night and didn't lay awake wondering/worrying. That's a big step towards your recovery! I'm also glad to hear that your husband made good choices last night! Whoo-hoo! Good for him!

As far as the difference between letting go and denial... I'm going to re-use a quote from Equus (I really think this is my recovery mantra!), "To acknowledge the negatives is enough to not risk denial. I think to dwell on them is to give them the power to direct life. " That is letting go in a nutshell. You know there is a problem... but when times are "good" (ie he's making the "right" choices), you can't sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. When times are bad, you can't sit around saying "woe is me." In both cases, you stay focused on you and making sure you are being taken care of. For me, the most dangerous times are when things are good. I know that I let too much of my happiness come from the fact that he's "behaving." I have to learn to seperate my feelings from his actions.

Now, as for your son.... I can't speak about it from a parent's view, but I can give you my perspective as a child. My mother has, to this day, denied so much of what we saw as children/teenagers, and even now as adults. It's REALLY hard for me know to try and straighten out my memories versus what she says happened. I'm fortunate enough to have sisters/brother to verify with, otherwise, I think I'd be absolute insane right now. I don't know how old your son is, but the truth is ALWAYS the wiser course, and the amount of truth can be adjusted as he gets older. Children have an amazing sense of feelings. He knows when your upset, and I guarantee he knows why. The most important thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself so that you can give him all the love and support that you can!

I hope this helps... it is fine line between denial and letting go. I think we all struggle with it, especially during the good times. I know there are times that I feel like all the bad was just a dream, or nightmare I guess. But it is real, and it does happen. Acknowledge it and move on... and just that is enough to avoid denial again.

herewegoagain

Thank you, that does help quite a bit. Our son is 19 months old, but I believe in being prepared for the future (or I just like to worry, lol...whatever definition works).

You sound very much like me in that when things are good, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When he makes a choice I'm not thrilled with, boy does my mood suffer. I'm trying really hard not to be so entangled with him. Gauging my mood to his choices & actions just isn't healthy. I'm also really struggling with doubting my reality (as you could probably see in my op) in regards to my husband's drinking. The best answer I can come up with for the time being, is that he seems to be a very "high functioning" addict...but then, he's never had withdrawals, to my knowledge.....see what I mean ? LOL I read the "13 characteristics of an ACOA" and fit nearly every one of the characteristics.

Boy, this is tough stuff.

herewegoagain

Sorry for the endless questions, lol.

So, as far as his good choices go (last night and in the future) - what's the right thing to do ? Praise him, or just ignore whichever choice he makes - good or bad ? I want to encourage good choices, of couse, but I don't want to fall into a parent/child relationship trap, either.

minnie

You could just say that you appreciate the fact that he came straight home. Cos that's the truth, isn't it?

Have you considered going to ACOA meetings? They may help for you to get your past, as well as your present, into some kind of perspective.

herewegoagain

Yes, that's true. Funny how sometimes the obvious can be starting you in the face and you don't see it, lol.

I haven't seriously considered it (ACOA), but maybe I should.

herewegoagain

Whoops, posted twice !

GettingBy

It is VERY tough stuff. My husband is an extremelly high functioning addict, and if had kept my mouth shut and played along.... no one would have had a clue that he was still drinking, let alone drinking as much as he does now. He has yet to be caught drinking and driving, though it's not a matter of if, but when. I have to laugh when I admit this but it's true... I keep waiting for the DWI to happen so that it would validate my opinion of the drinking problem! LOL! It really is just that... my opinion of how much he drinks. If you asked him, his opinion would be that he's "not bad compared to all of his friends!" LOL... he's comparing himself to some of the world's biggest cut-ups! I just tell him that I'm sorry to hear he has set such low standards for himself. And that's true, I think my husband doesn't set the bar very high b/c he's afraid of failing. I know he's capable of greatness.

Either way, I know that I have very unhealthy reactions to my husband and what he does or doesn't do. I keep focusing on me, and doing the best that I can for me. I guess I'm lucky because I don't have children to worry about, yet. I think you have alot of strength for standing up now, while your son is so young. It will benefit him immensely!

As for the ACOA, again I acknowledge what has happened and try not to focus on it... lest I end up right back there myself. I too am a textbook ACOA, and fit alot of the "codependency" characteristics to a tee. I'm very cautious about labelling myself though, just the same as I don't like to label B as an alcoholic. For me that falls under "black and white" thinking, and I really don't want to go there again!! LOL! I have learned alot of great survival skills b/c of my childhood, some of which are my best attributes... so I guess I have to be thankful for that!

An attitude of gratitude?!?! I'm working on!!

GettingBy

I like what Minnie said. Tell him the truth. It doesn't have to be a big deal, not something you should be overly worried about saying the "right" thing. No extravagant praise, and no "see, now that's good behavior!"... Just "I'm glad you got home safe" or "I'm glad you got home and shared your stories with me."

herewegoagain

I like what she said too...forrest...trees...what am I looking at again ? LOL

EndOfRoadWife

herewego- I e think since he seemed happy about the fact that he had come home so early and did not go to the bar, I would respond the same..You know maybe give him a little "incentive" to come home....I do that with my husband..We get along better and he does get rewards for being "a good boy". Now, when he acts up, he's not a happy camper..and he should know the routine by now....

Sapphoness

Herewegoagain, you remind me so much of myself. I dread Tuesday night band practices( this would be the catalyst for his drinking binges), I would never get to sleep, wondering and worrying, if he was drinking, how much, when was he coming home, if he was coming home at all, was he dead....I even talked to the guys in the band. Asked that the house owner not let him drink there, but he never listened, sloughed it off as a nagging killjoy wife. Until a year later they witnessed the after effects of his drinking there and the day he went into detox. Practices are now non alcoholic and so far that is being respected. My husband would never call me if he was going to be late, knowing I worry. So on the occasions that he did I always thanked him and when he came home on time and not overly intoxicated, I let him know that I appreciated it. I have a 17 monthh old and I worried about the effect is behavior would have on her, she is young now and thinks daddy is funny, but that will change soon enough and I do not want her to have any memories of ths time. I pray that he dosn't drink again, it has been 3 weeks now. I understand where you are coming from, all I ever wanted was some respect and consideration from my husband. Hope things continue to improve or you.