Not ready to give up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 14
Not ready to give up
Hi everyone,
I am brand new to this forum. Desperate for your help. I am currently dating a guy who has a coke and alcohol habit. He is in serious denial. He actually got angry at me when his "friend" who sells him the coke found out that I know where he is getting his stuff. I tried to tell him that the guy is not a "friend", what he interprets as this guy watching his back is just a way of "customer service". What makes it worse is that the dealer has rented a room at my boyfriend's father's house. His father has no knowledge of it. Reading all the information online, I've come to the realization that all the things I've done with the hope that I was helping him, supporting his effort to get clean are actually enabling him to use. I'm not ready to give up on him, but I think I need to find another way to help. Maybe by just walking away from this relationship. I don't know. My bf is an intelligent professional who has made many bad choices. Each time he uses and lies to me (he can't tell truth from lies anymore), I hurt. There are no remedies to address my pain. I don't have the strength to stomach the ongoing saga of his downward spiral. What should I do? I'm very hurt and the pain has started to disrupt my life. If you have any suggestion/advice, please post and please don't sugar-coat anything. Thank you very much and I do wish you all the best on your effort to stay clean and sober.
I am brand new to this forum. Desperate for your help. I am currently dating a guy who has a coke and alcohol habit. He is in serious denial. He actually got angry at me when his "friend" who sells him the coke found out that I know where he is getting his stuff. I tried to tell him that the guy is not a "friend", what he interprets as this guy watching his back is just a way of "customer service". What makes it worse is that the dealer has rented a room at my boyfriend's father's house. His father has no knowledge of it. Reading all the information online, I've come to the realization that all the things I've done with the hope that I was helping him, supporting his effort to get clean are actually enabling him to use. I'm not ready to give up on him, but I think I need to find another way to help. Maybe by just walking away from this relationship. I don't know. My bf is an intelligent professional who has made many bad choices. Each time he uses and lies to me (he can't tell truth from lies anymore), I hurt. There are no remedies to address my pain. I don't have the strength to stomach the ongoing saga of his downward spiral. What should I do? I'm very hurt and the pain has started to disrupt my life. If you have any suggestion/advice, please post and please don't sugar-coat anything. Thank you very much and I do wish you all the best on your effort to stay clean and sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome to SR, grayhorizon. You've found a great place here.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to walk away. Enabling them doesn't help at all. But in order to make the decision to leave or stay, I believe that it is vitally important to arm yourself with as much information as possible.
First of all, check out the nar-anon and al-anon boards here, especially the sticky and power posts at the top of the forums. There are many people who are or have been in your situation. I myself was engaged to an alcoholic until I left last December. It took me 7 months of coming here and 3 months of al-anon to be in a position to make that choice, and that was pretty quick.
There are many more things you can learn to do for yourself, including going to nar-anon or al-anon meetings and getting a copy of Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.
The most important thing to remember is what we call the 3 Cs - You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't sure it.
Pop in downstairs and introduce yourself. I'm sure there's a chair for you and there's usually a pot of coffee on the stove too.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to walk away. Enabling them doesn't help at all. But in order to make the decision to leave or stay, I believe that it is vitally important to arm yourself with as much information as possible.
First of all, check out the nar-anon and al-anon boards here, especially the sticky and power posts at the top of the forums. There are many people who are or have been in your situation. I myself was engaged to an alcoholic until I left last December. It took me 7 months of coming here and 3 months of al-anon to be in a position to make that choice, and that was pretty quick.
There are many more things you can learn to do for yourself, including going to nar-anon or al-anon meetings and getting a copy of Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.
The most important thing to remember is what we call the 3 Cs - You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't sure it.
Pop in downstairs and introduce yourself. I'm sure there's a chair for you and there's usually a pot of coffee on the stove too.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 14
Thank you, Minnie for your kind words of support and understanding. Up until today when I discovered this forum, I felt a tremendous amount of despair and desolation. I felt bad for wanting to leave, yet to stay would mean I'd be in a constant state of pain. The knowledge of his using the drug and the deliberate act of lying to me about it is a serious betrayal that I don't think I can get over. His choice to stay addicted to cocaine, to make it his priority in life has destroyed any trust between us. I will definitely check out the meetings. I think I will attend some to regain what I've lost since my discovery of his deceits and self-destruction. I sincerely thank you once again, for reaching out and being understanding.
Remember to breathe
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 28
Welcome to SR - I hope that you can keep coming back here to get the support and help you need, and that you'll also consider giving Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon a chance. It might help to consider the fact that your boyfriend has a disease. He is making bad choices, to be sure, but he is also suffering from a compulsion to use drugs and/or alcohol that is uncontrollable once he picks up the first drink/drug.
Your first priority has to be your own safety, health, and sanity. You have taken a courageous first step to helping yourself with these issues by coming here and asking for help. Good for you! You should be proud of yourself.
Hang in there and keep coming to SR. The support here is great. Best of luck!
Your first priority has to be your own safety, health, and sanity. You have taken a courageous first step to helping yourself with these issues by coming here and asking for help. Good for you! You should be proud of yourself.
Hang in there and keep coming to SR. The support here is great. Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Well,.........us addicts (most of us anyway) need to "hit our bottom". Whatever that is. We need consequenses for our actions. Consequenses for our drinking. If we drink and our loved ones constantly "put up" with us. Well,...to us that equals,..no problem. We NEED to lose the houses,..the drivers licenses,...the girl/boyfriends,.....the family.....the job....the car....our health. The longer we can use,...and still hold on to most of this stuff, the longer it will take to reach our bottom. What Im saying is......maybe you need to be the first thing he "loses" to help nudge him to his bottom. They wont get help as long as we make excuses,...forgive them....look the other way....call in sick for them........see what I'm saying? Hope this helped. God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 14
Thank you Earlybird and everyone for your candor. It has been a tremendous help to be able to get everyone else's thought to be able to put my own in order. At the time I posted last week, I was torn between walking away and staying, staying with a hope that I might be able to make a difference. Things have not improved, in fact, they are worse. The lies and the manipulation continue along with the use. He cannot get help for two reasons, the first being that he's still insisting on NOT being an addict with a serious problem; and the second reason is that the guy selling to him is also his roommate in his father's house.
He has hit several bottoms, and I was hoping to prevent another bottom from being hit, but I know now that I cannot.
I fully woke up when I read what Earlybird wrote.
Thank you so much for reaching out and helping a person whom you have never even met.
I do wish you all the best in all your efforts - to help others and also yourself.
He has hit several bottoms, and I was hoping to prevent another bottom from being hit, but I know now that I cannot.
I fully woke up when I read what Earlybird wrote.
Thank you so much for reaching out and helping a person whom you have never even met.
I do wish you all the best in all your efforts - to help others and also yourself.
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