scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
scared
allow me to tell my story, i don't know what to do anymore. any advice would be appreciated. i feel so alone in this world, so stupid.
my AH has been in this pattern for almost a year: one to two weeks of drinking, then a few days of sobriety. he's been to AA a couple of times, read books of different recovery programs. didn't kept up with the meetings, and never finished one whole book. he always talk about wanting to stop, even when he's drinking. i don't know anymore if he really means it, after hearing the same speech over and over....
i tried so many ways to "help" in the past. during the weekends i always stayed with him. i made sure he stayed at home, and went out to buy him cigarettes and soda and stuff... many of the weekends he would sober up, then went back to drinking shortly after.
when he's drunk, he talks a lot, and tries to pick up fights. i used to cry a lot, get mad, argue with him. he got violent a few times before during our arguements. then i learned to shut up....
i started attending ala-non meetings about a month ago. slowly learning... to let go and stay out of his way. he seemed to like it at first. then, last saturday morning, i refused to go out to buy him cigarettes and soda, like i always would. he kept rambling and trying to make me go. i got so annoyed that i left. i stayed at my parents' place for the weekend. he begged me to go back, and i did.
he's been drunk the whole week, no surprise. i tried to avoid him and ignore him as much as possible by staying in the study (or when he's in the study i went to another room) he started complaining about what a terrible person i've become after attending the ala-non meetings. he said i'm not supporting him anymore. he said i don't love him anymore.
this evening, same thing.. he's drunk and was giving endless speeches. i wasn't listening at all. and he got so mad! and finally he got my attention again, by grabbing me, twisting my arm... i was so scared i started crying and begging him to stop. then i was lying there quietly, with my eyes closed, trying to zone him out. he went like "let see if i have to take you to the hospital... let see what'll happen if i put a needle in your leg.... maybe i'll put a knife in there..." he actually got a knife and held it against my leg. i kept saying no in a soft begging voice. then he went away.
i am so overwhelmed at the moment.... although i know he's under the influence, i don't know if i can get over what happened today and see him as the same person - a man that i love deeply, and a man that is sick and trying to recover. what should i do tomorrow? am i becoming a cold person? am i detaching in the wrong way? he's so resentful of AA and Ala-non.... should i stay and help him sober up again like he's asking me to? i feel totally stuck. when will all these come to an end? i am so afraid of him now. i still believe that he really wants to recover. but he only wants to rely on himself, and me.
please tell me what to do...
my AH has been in this pattern for almost a year: one to two weeks of drinking, then a few days of sobriety. he's been to AA a couple of times, read books of different recovery programs. didn't kept up with the meetings, and never finished one whole book. he always talk about wanting to stop, even when he's drinking. i don't know anymore if he really means it, after hearing the same speech over and over....
i tried so many ways to "help" in the past. during the weekends i always stayed with him. i made sure he stayed at home, and went out to buy him cigarettes and soda and stuff... many of the weekends he would sober up, then went back to drinking shortly after.
when he's drunk, he talks a lot, and tries to pick up fights. i used to cry a lot, get mad, argue with him. he got violent a few times before during our arguements. then i learned to shut up....
i started attending ala-non meetings about a month ago. slowly learning... to let go and stay out of his way. he seemed to like it at first. then, last saturday morning, i refused to go out to buy him cigarettes and soda, like i always would. he kept rambling and trying to make me go. i got so annoyed that i left. i stayed at my parents' place for the weekend. he begged me to go back, and i did.
he's been drunk the whole week, no surprise. i tried to avoid him and ignore him as much as possible by staying in the study (or when he's in the study i went to another room) he started complaining about what a terrible person i've become after attending the ala-non meetings. he said i'm not supporting him anymore. he said i don't love him anymore.
this evening, same thing.. he's drunk and was giving endless speeches. i wasn't listening at all. and he got so mad! and finally he got my attention again, by grabbing me, twisting my arm... i was so scared i started crying and begging him to stop. then i was lying there quietly, with my eyes closed, trying to zone him out. he went like "let see if i have to take you to the hospital... let see what'll happen if i put a needle in your leg.... maybe i'll put a knife in there..." he actually got a knife and held it against my leg. i kept saying no in a soft begging voice. then he went away.
i am so overwhelmed at the moment.... although i know he's under the influence, i don't know if i can get over what happened today and see him as the same person - a man that i love deeply, and a man that is sick and trying to recover. what should i do tomorrow? am i becoming a cold person? am i detaching in the wrong way? he's so resentful of AA and Ala-non.... should i stay and help him sober up again like he's asking me to? i feel totally stuck. when will all these come to an end? i am so afraid of him now. i still believe that he really wants to recover. but he only wants to rely on himself, and me.
please tell me what to do...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ashland City, TN
Posts: 28
My AH would act the exact same way when I ignored his drunk behavior. He has not drank since May 13 and is acting much better. I still have my guard up because I'm scared of what he may do the next time. Everyone here told me to just leave him & file a restraining order to keep him out. I know exactly how you feel and believe me after you've been through something like this you can never get over it. I'll keep you in my prayers!!
Kim
Kim
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((LiLL)))
Hon, I feel your pain. And you've come to the right place for support. Good on you that you've started Al-anon too - more on that later.
First of all, you need to stay safe. No-one deserves to be physically threatened. Luckily your parents are nearby - can you go and stay with them for a while?
You haven't caused this episode, just in the same way as you didn't cause him to drink. You can't control his drinking (or his recovery) and you can't cure him. If he wants recovery, then he has to do it himself, otherwise it won't work. Supportive is fine, being a babysitter is just not on.
Keep going to your meetings - he doesn't like them because he doesn't want to REALLY face up to the fact that he has a problem, imho. If you want to go somewhere to grow as a person, then why shouldn't you? It IS a free world.
Read all you can here, including the sticky and power posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. And the General Recovery one has some good info on it too.
Het hold of a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It has been a "bible" for me.
And most of all, keep coming back here and posting. There is always someone who has been in the same situation as you and come out the other side. I know it feels lonely at the moment, but you're not alone any more.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Hon, I feel your pain. And you've come to the right place for support. Good on you that you've started Al-anon too - more on that later.
First of all, you need to stay safe. No-one deserves to be physically threatened. Luckily your parents are nearby - can you go and stay with them for a while?
You haven't caused this episode, just in the same way as you didn't cause him to drink. You can't control his drinking (or his recovery) and you can't cure him. If he wants recovery, then he has to do it himself, otherwise it won't work. Supportive is fine, being a babysitter is just not on.
Keep going to your meetings - he doesn't like them because he doesn't want to REALLY face up to the fact that he has a problem, imho. If you want to go somewhere to grow as a person, then why shouldn't you? It IS a free world.
Read all you can here, including the sticky and power posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. And the General Recovery one has some good info on it too.
Het hold of a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It has been a "bible" for me.
And most of all, keep coming back here and posting. There is always someone who has been in the same situation as you and come out the other side. I know it feels lonely at the moment, but you're not alone any more.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us..... now with that said.
ACK!!!!!!!
We can not "TELL" you what to do..... so I will try a different way.
IF YOUR IN DANGER, SCARED AND ITS ABUSIVE GET AWAY!
Ok... got it out of my system. You are going to Al-anon for yourself, not him. I do understand his reaction... My Mother was an A and when my brother took me to a Al-teen meeting and she found out she beat the heck out of me.... she was embarresed and though "now everyone will know I have a problem" ... after awhile I did go back.
Im sure he does not want you to go cuz then you are not enabling him.... that would be alot to loose, but you cant live like you are either.... LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THAT. You cant help him unless he wants the help and being his nurse maid is not helping him. Dont feel guilty, that is just a tatic for him to get from you what he wants.
I read something interesting lately that talked about walking away so they could hit bottom, cuz that is the only way they will really get help.
You did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.......
*HUGS* I will pray for you hon.
ACK!!!!!!!
We can not "TELL" you what to do..... so I will try a different way.
IF YOUR IN DANGER, SCARED AND ITS ABUSIVE GET AWAY!
Ok... got it out of my system. You are going to Al-anon for yourself, not him. I do understand his reaction... My Mother was an A and when my brother took me to a Al-teen meeting and she found out she beat the heck out of me.... she was embarresed and though "now everyone will know I have a problem" ... after awhile I did go back.
Im sure he does not want you to go cuz then you are not enabling him.... that would be alot to loose, but you cant live like you are either.... LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THAT. You cant help him unless he wants the help and being his nurse maid is not helping him. Dont feel guilty, that is just a tatic for him to get from you what he wants.
I read something interesting lately that talked about walking away so they could hit bottom, cuz that is the only way they will really get help.
You did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.......
*HUGS* I will pray for you hon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ashland City, TN
Posts: 28
Also you should get out while he is in this state of mind. I have had to involve the police in order to get out safely on a couple of occasions. If nothing else it gives you time to think and figure things out. You can not reason with someone who is drunk!!!
Hugs,
Kim
Hugs,
Kim
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
((((LiLL)))))
I second the others!
You have changed "the rules" on him...you're no longer enabling him...or babysitting him. And good for you!
Keep yourself safe, go to your meetings, hang out here, read, read, read and know you're on the right road!
The best thing about this forum is we can honestly say, "I understand". You are not alone.
I second the others!
You have changed "the rules" on him...you're no longer enabling him...or babysitting him. And good for you!
Keep yourself safe, go to your meetings, hang out here, read, read, read and know you're on the right road!
The best thing about this forum is we can honestly say, "I understand". You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
thank you
thank you so much for all the hugs and replies... i really needed them. what a relief knowing that i'm not a failure in your eyes. i have a lot of doubts about myself tonight. i started to wonder if i was hurting my AH and myself by trying to change myself. i don't know yet what i'll face or do tomorrow. my heart is asking me to give him another chance, get him sober for one more time. i'm hoping to talk to the sober him and negotiate with him maybe for the last time. i wish i could stay. but i also know that the reality will probably force me to go very soon....
it is 5am over here. i guess i should try to get some sleep. hugs to you all. [[[[[[[ ]]]]]]]]
it is 5am over here. i guess i should try to get some sleep. hugs to you all. [[[[[[[ ]]]]]]]]
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
get him sober for one more time
You're right about talking to him when he's sober, though.
Hope you get some sleep.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Hey Lill,
I used to live in HKG too! that's where I met one of my alcoholics who followed me back to AZ..We aren't together today..
See I can go anywhere in the world and I'll pick an alcoholic..
Anyway, I wish I had known about Alanon when I was in HKG..It has worked wonders for me..I know what the drinking is like over there! It was insane..
Keep going to meetings, keep safe..sometimes the best thing for the alcoholic is what is best for us..
If he wants to get sober he will do it..To me it sounds like he is not ready..
Just keep working on yourself..if you are in danger, staying with your parents might be a good idea..
I remember running down Pokufulam Road one morning at 5 am when my drunk exABF came home and decided to kick the bedroom door down..(he thought I locked him out intentially) He was in a blackout and didn't remember anything until I replayed the messages for him and showed him the bruises he left on my arm..
5 years later, we aren't together, he is married and still drinking..
Anyway, hang in there..
I used to live in HKG too! that's where I met one of my alcoholics who followed me back to AZ..We aren't together today..
See I can go anywhere in the world and I'll pick an alcoholic..
Anyway, I wish I had known about Alanon when I was in HKG..It has worked wonders for me..I know what the drinking is like over there! It was insane..
Keep going to meetings, keep safe..sometimes the best thing for the alcoholic is what is best for us..
If he wants to get sober he will do it..To me it sounds like he is not ready..
Just keep working on yourself..if you are in danger, staying with your parents might be a good idea..
I remember running down Pokufulam Road one morning at 5 am when my drunk exABF came home and decided to kick the bedroom door down..(he thought I locked him out intentially) He was in a blackout and didn't remember anything until I replayed the messages for him and showed him the bruises he left on my arm..
5 years later, we aren't together, he is married and still drinking..
Anyway, hang in there..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Its called manipulation. He will do what it takes to get a reaction out of you. Mine use to tell me he'd rape me. If I responded, we'd get into it and he'd do what he could to try to get his way with me. After a few years of this and after we had our first child, I decided I'm going to pretend I'm asleep. I didn't want to fight around our son. I would keep ignoring him and eventually he'd go away. Manipulation. But I really think if you showed enough of a reaction, what they are threatening will really happen. They're drunk and think they are invincible. Do what you need to do to stay safe. JMO
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
Keep on with your Alanon and if possible are there any womens shelters in your area? You could make yourself a back-up plan pack a little emergency escape bag if you need to and get to a shelter when this happens again.
And I use when because it unfortunately will happen again.
Good luck
Ngaire
Keep on with your Alanon and if possible are there any womens shelters in your area? You could make yourself a back-up plan pack a little emergency escape bag if you need to and get to a shelter when this happens again.
And I use when because it unfortunately will happen again.
Good luck
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
hey, nice meeting you all. and thank you for all your support!
i'm not going home tonight. i'm not ready to leave him yet, but at the moment i'm too frightened to spend another evening with him.
i told him i would not be home tonight. he did not seemed to mind. he's probably thinking that i'm staying away from him because i've been brainwashed by Al-anon. He must be thinking that i'm the one that has a problem. i feel so sad that he hasn't shown a genuine sign of regret. ouch! that hurts!
he even emailed me at work and told me that he did what he did because he "wanted to protect me from someone that is not him yesterday and he hurt me in order to stop 'him' from taking over totally." i don't understand at all what he's saying. obviously he's still drunk.
i don't want resentment to build up in me though. i'm praying to god and asking him to remove my anger... why is it so hard to not hate him, even though i know he can't help his addition?
i'm not going home tonight. i'm not ready to leave him yet, but at the moment i'm too frightened to spend another evening with him.
i told him i would not be home tonight. he did not seemed to mind. he's probably thinking that i'm staying away from him because i've been brainwashed by Al-anon. He must be thinking that i'm the one that has a problem. i feel so sad that he hasn't shown a genuine sign of regret. ouch! that hurts!
he even emailed me at work and told me that he did what he did because he "wanted to protect me from someone that is not him yesterday and he hurt me in order to stop 'him' from taking over totally." i don't understand at all what he's saying. obviously he's still drunk.
i don't want resentment to build up in me though. i'm praying to god and asking him to remove my anger... why is it so hard to not hate him, even though i know he can't help his addition?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by LiLL
he's probably thinking that i'm staying away from him because i've been brainwashed by Al-anon. He must be thinking that i'm the one that has a problem. i feel so sad that he hasn't shown a genuine sign of regret. ouch! that hurts!
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