jennybear35

I have posted this thread on ACOA page. Here I go again. Please Help.

I am new here and going through depression because I just had another 'episode' with my family. My father is an alcoholic and growing up was very abusive, especially towards me. He would come home yelling for hours and I hit about 15 years old and would start telling him to stop. I started talking back and fighting him to which my mother and sister would turn to me and say 'Now listen to him..now look what you've done" I guess this was the start of me being the 'scapegoat'. My mother would talk about me to my sister and I used to sit on the stairs and listen to them go on about me, not usually the truth either, but it hurt. When I was 19, I didn't want to go back to college which resulted in many hours of my drunk father yelling at me. I took their car one day to get myself to work (my brother had access to a car everyday, I never got the same treatment, and I guess in my teenage mind I said "screw it" and borrowed the car to go to work)This would be the first time my father threw me out of the house. I came home, wasn't allowed in and left without any belongings. I found an apartment, got two jobs and carried on. This was the start of my family lying about me as well. They started painting me as a bad kid who disappointed them for not going to school. Long story short, met a guy, fell in 'love', got pregnant on the pill, the guy left, and my family treated me like sh*t. My whole pregnancy was spent with my father, any time I would see him, not talking to me, but if he was drunk, he would rant and rave at me. My mother would disappear, just like when I was a kid, and claim to have not heard him. At this time, they were fully supporting my brother and sister in college and I lost my job (they found out I was preggo and let me go) and wound up on welfare. The day I gave birth to my son, I did so alone, as my grandfather had passed and my mother went out of town to the funeral with my father. I brought my baby home alone and tried to cope. My sister called me the day I gave birth and yelled at me that she was 'so mad at me for naming my baby (his name)" because she wanted to name her son that name. She wasn't even in a relationship. I moved home with them and ended up paying $560.00/month rent (Their mortgage payment, while on welfare) cooked all their meals and cleaned their home. Their attitude was I 'owed' them for taking me in. My sister would come over and say "Hi, Molly Maid" and laugh. My brother would never say a word. His drinking drove me insane and 3 days before Christmas that year, we had a fight, and this would mark the 2nd time he threw me out of the house. My son and I stayed at a friend's house until I could get a place. I called my grandmother on Christmas day and was told "How could you do this to your parents? How could you do this to your child?". My grandmother told me how my sister had a get together and my mother and father sat (Mom cried) and told everyone that I just 'left'. They lied and painted me like a nutjob. We didn't speak for a long time and somehow I went back to the family feeling guilt and alone being a single mom. Fast forward 2 years, I met my husband, left my country and moved to the arttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office[img] /><st1:country-region w:st=[/img]<st1:place w:st="on">USA</st1:place></st1:country-region>. He is black(which they disapproved of) and I married a guy my parents never met (they wouldn't come), never got a wedding gift and the first time my husband came home to meet the family, my mother and sister sat and talked about me to him with all the 'stories' of me. Pregnant with my 2nd child, I was on bedrest and noone came to visit. Third child, dad had heart attack and my mom never came. Fourth child, mom left (baby was overdue) and called my dad to 'ask' if she could stay and help and he yelled at her to get home. They have never helped us in any way and we never asked. My brother had a $20,000 wedding, mom is now raising my sisters son as their 'nanny'. Get the picture? I went home for bro's wedding and, long story short, my father's drinking in front of my kids was so out of control, he wound up not speaking to my kids, myself or my mom for over a week. I left because the kids were asking "Why doesn't grandpa love us?" "Mommy, grandpa locked us out of his bedroom and we can't get our toothbrushes". I left and didn't talk to them for a long time. Again, somehow started talking. My husband went to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Iraq</st1:place></st1:country-region> and I guess the old feelings of guilt and 'being alone' brought me back to them. While my husband was gone, I was in a place we had just moved to, knew noone and got very sick with my kidneys. Noone came to help. I went back to school have a 4.0 average, made the President's Honor Roll every semester and my sister told me she was 'really mad at me for going back to school because I have the 'luxury' of staying at home" She had her education paid for by my parents and her income, combined with her husband is probably close to $100,000. We live off $36,000???? Brother never says anything. I went home for Christmas that year (I know, what a glutton for punishment) and one night, my mother and I had a couple of rum and eggnogs and we were talking and somehow she said I never paid them rent and I got very upset because my mother denies EVERYTHING she and my dad ever did. Problem is I now have gotten a reputation as a 'problem' drinker??? You see, this year, my parents promised my kids they were coming (we haven't seen them in a year and a half) made a big to-do about it, then didn't come. I got very upset and then my mom comes with my sister in law. From the moment my husband picked them up, my mom started talking about me. She said "I hope she doesn't get all drunk"!! She hasn't seen me in almost 2 years!! My sister in law went on all weekend about her 'therapy' and how she has confronted her mother about leaving her dad, blah, blah, blah. She told my mother that she was upset with her for certain things my mom had done.blah.blah. My mother talked about my sis-in-law behind her back every chance she got. They were insane!!That Sat. we had friends over and we had a great time and after everyone had left, I sat with my mom and tried to confront her about my pain (without the in law present). You see, she NEVER acknowledges anything and I went and saw a therapist after that last time when my dad stopped talking to my kids and he said: Confront her, if she denies, there has to come a point where maybe I do need to truly cut them out since it affects me too much. We had been drinking at the party but I mean everything I say. My husband was just upset because he knew the comment my mom had made at the airport and he didn't tell me trying to wait until they left, but there I go--have a few drinks, talk to my mom, PROVING their latest lie about me. After my husband told me what she said about me 'drinking' I told my mom (not in front of my brothers wife) I was done with them all, didn't appreciate her talking about me blah, blah. As soon as I left, she told my sis-in law. Her and my sister in law started talking about me in front of my husband, in my home, IN FRONT of my kids....and LONG story short (I am sooo sorry) when I came back my sister in law FREAKED out yelling at me that "I always do this"....that I "live in the past" and so much other stuff. This after she talked all weekend about her mother, her 'pain', and told MY mother how hurt she has been from things my mother has done!!! But I live in the past. She has never seen me fight with my parents, has never witnessed the 'stories' but obviously, they have filled her head. Then they packed and left. My mother didn't say a word. Their flight didn't leave for 2 days. My kids were crying. My mother said to my daughter "Don't ever do this to your mother" and she left with my sister in law (the person my mother bad mouthed all weekend and has never said a nice word about). I can't do this anymore. I am hurt and feel depressed. I know the next 'tale' is that I threw them out of my house. They make me feel crazy. I want them out of my life but another one of the 'lies' they tell is that I take my kids away from 'people' who love them (one of the things sis-in-law yelled). I feel crazy. I am now going through my typical depression after a visit with them that always ends up like this. My mom and dad are both in 'therapy' but from what I can gather they lie to the therapist!! Anyone have any similar experiences? Please help. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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jordan1980

(((((((jennybear))))))))

I am sooooo sorry that you are in this situation! That your own family would hold a grudge that long and then involve your children.((((hugs)))) I do understand why you would keep going back, I am sure that you are just hoping that your family will change, and open you with loving arms like a family should.
My only advice to you would be to try and distance yourself and your family from them. Nobody has the right to make you feel the way that they make you feel, and if you keep going around they will only contiue to do this to you and then to your children. Just ask yourself.....do you really want them to do what they did/continue to do to you...to your kids???

Good Luck
(((((((hugs))))))))) and prayers comming your way tonight

jennybear35

Thank you so much. Tonight I am just trying to grasp the insanity of it all. This experience has once again left me feeling unworthy and hopeless. The weight of the responsibility they put on me as the 'problem' is overwhelming. I am praying that this forum will give me the coping tools my family couldn't. I am going to paste something I wrote on another forum which explains why I (stupidly) tried to talk to my mother that night: Here it is....

..........One of the reasons I felt the need to tell my mom how much pain she has caused me by allowing me to go through what my father did to me is that during our visit she said something so painful I do not know how to get through it.



I grew up being treated very differently than my brother and sister. They got more than I did, were not punished like I was and my mother would defend them to my drunken father. I never knew why but always felt like an outsider. During her visit, we were talking about having babies and giving birth and she went on to tell me about when I was born. My sister is the oldest and then my mother had a stillbirth. The baby was a girl and had spina bifida. Then, my mother got pregnant with my brother and I (who are twins). Being born in 1969, it was before the age of ultra sounds and my mother had no idea she was having twins. Here is what she told me Friday night:



" I had your sister and then I had the other baby. The baby died and I was devastated. I got pregnant with you and your brother but had no clue I was having twins. I wanted a boy. I wanted a boy and a girl and then to be done with it. When you were born, I looked down and thought; "This baby looks like the baby I lost..." .....I asked the doctors and nurses what you were and they said "A girl".....I laid back in the bed and said..."UUURRRGGGGHHH", I did NOT want another girl. And you looked like the baby that died. Then, I started having contractions and they told me I was having twins.......your brother was born....and I had the son I wanted".........



In a way, I am relieved to have the explanation as to why I didn't fit in and why I was singled out. On the other hand, even though I am 35, I hurt so deeply. I didn't ask to be born. They have screwed me up. I have NO idea how to fix that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I didn't really need the confirmation that I was punished my whole life for being the child they didn't want. I just wasn't ready for it. And then to have my sister in law, who has no idea of any of this, who my brother married because she 'fits' the dysfunction be so abusive and mean to me has just sent me over the edge. I am so afraid of the pain. My husband is trying but he just doesn't understand. Thankfully, he has 12 years of witnessing all of their lies and drama that he tries to protect me. But he can't fix the inside and I don't know how to do it either. I am so afraid I will end up like my family. I am soooo afraid I will do the same thing to my children. One of the things I said to my mother is " I look at my children and I cannot imagine talking about them behind their backs like you do to me". I am so afraid that I will be like her ( I look just like her). I am so afraid that every lie they told about me will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I feel myself sinking so deep into a hole. I wish there were somewhere to go. I have found myself, in the 2 days since they left, not being able to be very 'available' to my kids. I look like crap and feel like crap too. I am scared of what I am feeling. I also feel like screaming and yelling and punching holes in the walls. I feel so much rage, but if I were to call my family, they would say (I've heard it a million times) "See how she acts??" "See what WE have to deal with??" My husband has told me that if they call he wants to deal with them and stand up for me. On the one hand I am so incredibly thankful for having someone who loves me, I still, after all the years of him sticking by my side (after they portrayed me as a BAD person) know that then their 'blame' will be switched over to him. It becomes: "see what a bad son in law we have??" And then I feel guilty for putting him through it. His family has been so much more normal to us. They don't have alot of money but emotionally have been wonderful. How sad that my lack of worth compels me to now feel guilty for my own husband standing up for me. I just hurt so bad and feel so unworthy, I have difficulty believing him. Poor guy. Anyway, I know you have things to deal with. I just feel better putting all of this into words. I hope some of it makes sense. Thanks for reading. Jennybear35.<!-- / message -->

herewegoagain

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you're going through this. I know the kind of pain you're going through, because I had to make the decision to separate myself from my parents, too. Both of my parents are alcoholics, my mother is a prescription drug addict, has severe mental health issues, is verbally and physically abusive to everyone around her. I've dealt with depression and post traumatic stress disorder since I was a child. I was so entangled with her abuse that it drove me to attempt suicide six years ago. Had I been successful, I never would have met my husband or had our son. I never would have known the peace and happiness I have now. I'm glad it didn't work - and believe it or not, it was the catalyst that changed my entire life for the better.

What your mother told you about your birth was extremely inappropriate, to say the very least ! Your family is extremely cruel and dysfunctional, from what you've said here. Ending my relationship with my parents was the most difficult decision I've ever made, but it's also one of the best ones (next to having my son). Nobody has the right to treat you this way - nobody. I don't care who they are - the pope, the president, or your family - they do not have an inherent right to treat you the way they do. For me, I had to come to a place where enough was enough, and I knew that I had to either cut off ties with my parents, or die. I didn't even have my son at the time, so I can imagine it must be even more difficult with children. You and your children deserve a peaceful life, and it doesn't sound like that's possible with your parents. I found that the best thing was to just make a clean break - I moved, changed my phone number, and when I got married my last name changed too. I do not make contact with my parents in any way, shape, or form. I tried to have a relationship with my father at one point, but he's in denial about how bad things are with my mother. That's his choice - and my choice is to have a quiet life without any abuse. It took some time, but I'm finally happier than I've ever been in my entire life, and I'm glad I decided to cut them out of my life. It also took me some time to learn that other people in the family are going to think what they're going to think, regardless of what you do. I wasn't aware that my extended family already knew how bad my mother was. I just assumed they were blind to it and believed whatever lies she said about me - and I was wrong.

Stand up for yourself. Stop being a victim. I don't mean that in a mean way at all - because remember, I've been there too and I know how hard this is. But this is what I was too - a victim. You have the right to a peaceful life. Don't push your kids away in your grief - they need you. If you take this experience and learn from it - remember how it all made you feel - you won't become like her. Use this as a learning experience. Look at her and see what you don't want to be. Look at your husband's family (it sounds like they're better role models) and see what you like about them. Do some reading on child development. See a therapist for your depression. Keep going to ACOA and maybe Al-Anon too. You can do this ! Post here as often as you like, and if I can help or you just want to chat, let me know. I've been where you are.

quietsins

"hugs" i have a sister i havent talked to in two years. and you know what? that removed a lot of hurt for me once i realized her issues are her issues. and they dont reflect on me unless i let them.

be strong.
quietsins

cwohio

((jeenybear)) - how very sad that your mother shared with you in that way. are you in some type of counseling or therapy? you need to take care of yourself & family and if that means you disconnect from them, then so be it. only you know how it affects you and your family.

take care and come back here and let it out often - better than punching holes in walls.

hugs - chris

Teh

(jennybear)..I am so sorry to hear of all that you have gone thru and still are going thru. I am the mom of unexpected twins (30 yrs ago) and never the second one was coming until she arrived. Her brother came first at birth. I always kind of wondered why God had blessed me with twins (although at the time, jokingly, I would tell the dr. he was taking 1 as payment!! Now many years later, her true importance has come to light. This young lady is the one to whom our A will at least talk with, this unexpected bundle of joy heals where healing is needed and knows (now) when to keep her mouth closed and when to open her mouth with something powerful for the rest of us to listen to and possible learn from. It sounds as if your husband sees at least someof these strengths in you. You obviously care for him and your children, you don't treat your family as your bio family has treated you. Don't take their abuse any longer...Prayers and hugs to you.

clyde

I feel so badly for what you are going through. I had to go to counceling when my son was a baby because I was afraid I was turning into the same abusive freak my mom is. I did not want him to grow up and feel about me the same way that I feel about her. The counsler told me to cut myself some slack I was not my mom because I knew it was wrong and wanted to change. I am very fortunate in the fact that I decided that enough was enough a long time ago. I told my mom she had to behave in a way that was not damaging to me or my son or she could get out. She is still hurtful to me but has not been to my son. If I see her stepping over the line she is warned and she knows I will take him and leave. You are very fortunate for your husband and you must be a wonderful person for him to love you enough to put up with your family. The others are right you have to distance yourself from those sick people. Talk to a counselor about the hurt they caused you. It will help. The councelor will understand in a way your husband, thankfully, never can. You can vent and cry and blame and not feel badly about it afterwords. You will never get an apology or validation about your pain from your family. To do so they would have to admit that they are horrible people and obviously you are the screwed up one, right? You do not want them as a model for your children as to how families should treat each other. And you do not ever want an angry teenager to try to use them against you or side with them. You will be loosing your family, your hurt, and your future pain but in time your kids will have kids and you will be the wonderful matriarch of a loving healthy family. Take care.

mushroom

I actually found it very helpful myself to find out why my mother was so rotten to me - she just simply did not want any girls. none. Then I could convince myself that there really was nothing wrong with me, it was her. You know now why your mother treats you so badly, and that it has nothing to do with who you really are, but is all about how twisted and sick and damaged she is. It must have been awful to lose a baby as she did. Not fair to take it out on you, but there it is. Now that you know why, you can move on.

You must cut them out of your life entirely. You will have no peace until you do. No one may treat you as they do. That they are your family just makes it worse for them, your family is supposed to be loving and supportive and they aren't filling the bill. they treated you like dirt since you were just a little baby and couldn't know how wrong they were. But you know now that they are wrong. You must KNOW it in your heart that they are wrong and they are not to be allowed to continue to treat you so. And since we all know that we can't control other people, you know that you will never get them to stop and to treat you like they should so you must detach. I have not looked back once since I detached from my family of origin. My life is so much better - not great, I'll probably never be totally recovered from their damage, but I'm so much better off without them! I don't even miss them. My aunts all tell me it's too bad I can't have a relationship with my mother and my siblings, but that they understand completely! they all saw how I was singled out for abuse as a child.