jordan1980

Hi all,

My AH(recovering) and I are have major problems comming to an agreement about sharing household responsiblities. I am a stay at home mom and he works full-time. Now my problem is that he comes home from work, showers, eats then goes to a meeting. If he doesn't go to a meeting there is always something else that he needs to do, that never involves helping out with the kids or cleaning up after dinner.
This has become a weekly arguement between the two of us. I feel that he dosen't even bother at all to even pick up after himself at all. I mean if he has a shower he leaves the bathroom a mess, he eats dinner and leaves everything out, he gets ready for work in the morning and leaves clothes all over the floor!! It is sooooo annoying. I have approached him with this and he says sorry he will try harder to clean up after himself but it never happens.
I even tried leaving the messes he makes so that he will get annoyed and clean them up himself.....but that dosen't work either. I spend all day cleaning up the house only to have him come home and mess it all up for me to clean up again he next day!!!
I am at my wits end with being a full-time maid around here!! If anyone has any suggestions on how to get him to help out a bit then PLEASE PLEASE do not hesitate to post ASAP.

JennyK

My first thought about this is to try and reframe your anger.

You could battle it. You have tried. It does not work.

If you accept the fact that, as a stay at home mom, you will be reponsible for cleaning. Then that is the fact.

I saw a segment of Oprah once where a woman refocused her resentment about household chores into realizing how fortunate she was to have a home in which to do them And a family that she could care for. And clothing that she could wash and food she could prepare.

In theory, that sounded good to me. So I really did try it. And it worked for me. When I started to get all pissy about folding laundry, I chanted a little mantra in my head "These pants are for my son's strong legs" "This shirt fits my husband do well" etc.

I also realized that if the house being a mess was going to make me crazy, then I had to find systems in which it did not get so messy.

You could expect your husband to do his share and at the same time prepare how you can do it all and remain sane and positive.

I am sure this was not the most helpful post...but it did work for me. And learning to overlook a lot...that helps too.

Jenny

FormerDoormat

There's no getting around it, sometimes being a wife just sucks. Messy people aren't any more likely to change than alcoholics. I know this from experience--I was the only neat person in a family of nine, so I feel your pain. So, it seems to me that you have three choices, accept your husband's sloppiness as something you're not likely to change, hire a maid, or find a neater partner.

VanillaDee48

My husband is/was an alcoholic, he hasn't drank a drop in 20 years, but his family and my one sister, and all her boys drink too, some are on drugs etc..
but getting back to the subject. My hubby is from the old school..lol he thinks women were put on this earth to wait on men hand and foot..lol he married the wrong gal.....cause he got a rude awaking with me..how I have handled him is this..I do all the house work and cleaning, laundry, cooking etc
BUT sense I am the one that has to do it all, I do it when and if I get ready.
And if he don't like it, guess what ? He can do it himself! he can sit and bitch all he wants but it want do one bit of good, cause I will do what I want to , End of story, so I can live with his messes cause I clean them up when I want too, and if I don't clean them up fast enough well then he can clean them up instead. It works for us!! and I don't have to stress him out, and he isn't about to stress me out about it either. Life is to short to sweat the small stuff...there is way to many other things to worry about besides the messes around my house, and there are many many messes but i will get to them when I feel like it......LOL

Sapphoness

So true, I think some peole are born messy and lazy in the area of household chores!!! My husband is one of them, we both work fulltime and have a small child. He has always expected me to take care of household responsibilities( cooking, cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping, cat's litter box, most of the bills and taking care of our daughter). The thing is he can cook very well, he just doesn''t want to more than once a month it seems. I refuse to do his laundry anymore, take the garbage to the curb or mow the lawn. I try to leave his messes too, but I can't stand it after a day or two and clean up after him. He says who cares how the place looks, I am too concerned about things like that. But, then we have different priorities. I like to see the floor when I walk, food in the fridge, not on the fridge, on the wall and counter and a clean litter box, not kitty's litter box creation...not exactly a day at the beach!!
Try to get him to do a little at a time if you can, but odds are he will be messsy until the end. Sorry, maybe yours will be different.

jordan1980

UGHHHHH, I was sooo hoping for some little teeny, tiny ray of hope on this one. Guess I am SOL
Thanks for all the advice

minnie

Personally, I would get all of his stuff that he leaves on the floor or wherever and put it in "his" space. If that means his car, then so be it. Even if it means you eating off paper plates for a while.

If you continue to clean up, all it means is that he knows you'll do it in the end. Like a toddler who knows you'll give in after 20 minutes of him crying. And next time he knows to go to at least 20 minutes. It's just a matter of who gives in first. And that will always be you because he's not bothered, right?

This isn't really about chores, it's about respect. Time he learnt some?

clyde

To a large degree it is your job to do those things. That is what a stay at home mom does, she takes care of the house. That being said however, it does not mean you should be treated like his maid. I would try to train him on one thing first. In my home if it is on the floor before I start laundry it does not get washed. It took a little time to break the habit with the ex but it did. For my son if it is not in the laundry room it does not get washed. That only took once to break the habit. It is hard change a lot of bad habits at once. Especially when they are as vague as sloppiness. Start one that is very specific and that you can make the consequences only effect him, like the laundry.

JennyK

My cure for this was to put a laundry basket in the spot on the floor where he dumped his clothing. It required NO change in his behavior and just made things easier for me.

I spent a few weeks observing where the messes occured in my house and then put large baskets in those places. It did not cure the mess making, it did, however give me an easier way to carry things around the house putting them back. I really have learned the "pick you battle" lesson.

I am now battling the "who is responsible for brushing the big huge hairy dog who is filling the house with shedding fur" battle. That is one I will fight to the end...no WAY am I grooming his freaking dog. And I will win.

Chuckles101301

Oh the battle of the sexes is an incessant one when it comes to the house, is it not? In my home, I am the one who works full-time and my AH stays home. I certainly do not expect him to clean the entire house, as his job is to take care of my kids. I would do it differently if I were the one staying home, but that is neither here nor there. I do ask that he pick up after himself and most of the time that gets done. Rather than go the route of expectations...I asked what he would be willing to do everyday...what he felt he could keep up with. He chose the dishes and making the bed and picking up after himself....plus cleaning the bathroom weekly (my theory on this one....I don't pee on the floor, the wall, the vanity or the edge of the toilet, so if you don't want to sit down...your cleaning it.) I have also started to use laundry baskets for each person. When I pick something up, it goes in the appropriate basket....at the end of the day, each person takes their basket and puts their stuff away. If they don't, it goes in the trash.

At first when my AH lost his job, I was resentful of him because if anyone was going to stay home with the kids, I wanted it to be me and at the time it was decided that we couldn't afford it. I was awful to him...expecting many things because of this resentment. I came home in a snit every single day. I also found I was a lot harder on myself for not being able to do it all. My life has changed immensely, in just a few months because I have changed my viewpoint. I had a very lengthy and eye-opening conversation with my mom, who was superwoman (worked full-time nights and took care of children and the house during the day...my dad was a great help, but my mom did a lot). Anyway, long story short, she told me that she had wished that on Saturdays we had spent more time doing fun things instead of cleaning the house. She wished it hadn't been such a big deal to have a clean house. This has been ingrained through the family, great-grandmother to grandmother to mother to me. Hearing the regret in my mom's voice was heartbreaking. Now, I don't pass up things to clean the house...no way. I would rather spend an entire day at the park with my kids than clean a toilet and I believe that is a greater purpose. Let it go. Nobody cares. When my grandmother died we didn't talk about her clean house. When I visited a dear friend's house recently after she had a baby, I was alarmed at first at the chaos in her house, but that is the controlling part of me. When I left I told her I was grateful that she didn't feel the need to clean up before I got there or for anyone for that matter. She was setting a new precedent....visiting with a friend is more important than the state of the house. Now, I don't feel the need to clean up before someone can come to my home. What a relief!!!

Let it go. Joke about it. Do the things that are important to you and hide the rest in the closet. Life is tooooo short. After reading these posts, I am certainly grateful for the AH that I have...he definitely pulls his own weight around our house. Just one more thing to be grateful for!

clyde

I have a solution but it is pretty evil. Shave the dog. Then no one needs to brush it. It is summer it will not hurt the dog. If he complains just say something like well that was the best solution I could come up with.

When my husband and I first got our house we had a hedge that was 8' x 6'. I asked him to trim it to a more managable size for 2 years. One Saturday when he was sleeping off a bender I trimmed it my self. When I got done it was 2 1/2'x 2'. When he finally roled out of bed and came out. He was shocked and hung his head and I said "Look hunny I trimmed the bushes for you" I can not say he has trimmed them since but it sure felt good and the bushes are now a managable size.

clyde

By the way it sounds like you already have started with some pretty good solutions to make your life easier.

equus

Reward effort - even if it's small. Okay we can go round and round discussing the rights and wrongs of that but it works and it always will. Behaviour that's rewarded increases, believe it or not being shouted at is attention and some people are heavily rewarded even by what we would percieve as negative attention.

You don't have to say thank you, a touch, a smile, anything consistant on his effort that's rewarding will do.

This has nothing to do with women's rights - if it did it'd be a whole different answer, it's just a direct answer to the question.

dax

Oh your huusband is so like mine.. Everyone in my family including me are clutterey[probably not a word]. My husband has never done much around the house. I put up the whole overhang over my barn and most of the fencing. I got a lot more done when he was drinking- he would be guilt ridden the next day and then do 'chores.' Once he got sober all this stopped. He was at work or at meetings. He was gone most of Sat and Sunday at meetings. I did everything. He took out the trash. There was one period he started doing struff again. I found out now that was the period ow dumped him for a doctor. That did not last long.
Even when he was unemployed he did next to nothing while I worked. Our house got dirtier and more run down. Well 40 years in, he is finally doing the helpful things he should have done all along. I am the main money earner and I work 7 days a week. I told him- help me or leave. I can't come home to a mess anymore. And I want our house repaired. He is finally doing more helpful things. I know this is not encouraging.
There is one thing he has aways done for me because he likes to- ladies-a man that likes to SHOP! I hate shopping. Now no telling what else he was doing at the same time-depending on what stage of his life he was at. This has helped me A LOT!!
I did find a few things that worked. Do no more of his laundry. After he has used his'best dirty shirt' a few times he will get the hint. Anything he leaves around, pile in his closet. Soon he won't be able to find anything. Ask for help cleaning up after dinner. If no respond , stop cooking him dinner. This dinner idea did not work for me. I tried it for 6 weeks one time. I gave up because I missed home cooked meals.But he is doing it now. My daughter recently married. Her husband makes mine look like a pathetic slob. He is always cleaning and repairing stuff. I am so happy for her! dax

JT

Personally I am a combination of changing my attitude to gratitude and getting separate hampers. When we built this house we now have separate closets....hence separate hampers. He does his own laundry.

If I don't cook...he won't starve. I never got the "making his lunch" thing...omg...I wouldn't want someone else making mine...so I stopped.

I was a stay at home for a time and now I am not. When I was, I must say I did think it was my "job" but my job was never done and I did get annoyed.

Part of my probelm is not being clear about what I expect. I will tend to get all passive-aggressive and never really say what I am mad about. Can you say, clearly what you want? Do you know?

Hugs!
JT

walkingtheline

When I was married, my hub was a "messy". He just couldn't seem to manage to clean up after himself or help with the household chores.

After a while, I figured out a system that worked for me. I will say he was not happy but it worked fine for me.

I paid to have the house cleaned every friday. I just added it to the household budget (since I ALSO did all the bills). It was several months before he figured it out, he finally noticed I was putting less in the savings.

He had a fit! "For that we could be paying for a new car!" ect. Simple reply-"Without that, I'd be too tired to drive a new car!"

It was wonderful. I'd come home every friday to a house that sparkled. I could relax most of the weekend. My housework during the week was less as I knew I could scrub a little less...the "big" cleaners were coming on friday.

Whether you can afford it every week...or just once a month I think it accomplishes two things. 1) You get a break. 2) The "messy" one sees the results of their actions.

But, keep in mind...the marriage ended in divorce!