Disowning Family...Help

Old 05-31-2005, 03:38 PM
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Unhappy Disowning Family...Help

I am new here and going through depression because I just had another 'episode' with my family. My father is an alcoholic and growing up was very abusive, especially towards me. He would come home yelling for hours and I hit about 15 years old and would start telling him to stop. I started talking back and fighting him to which my mother and sister would turn to me and say 'Now listen to him..now look what you've done" I guess this was the start of me being the 'scapegoat'. My mother would talk about me to my sister and I used to sit on the stairs and listen to them go on about me, not usually the truth either, but it hurt. When I was 19, I didn't want to go back to college which resulted in many hours of my drunk father yelling at me. I took their car one day to get myself to work (my brother had access to a car everyday, I never got the same treatment, and I guess in my teenage mind I said "screw it" and borrowed the car to go to work)This would be the first time my father threw me out of the house. I came home, wasn't allowed in and left without any belongings. I found an apartment, got two jobs and carried on. This was the start of my family lying about me as well. They started painting me as a bad kid who disappointed them for not going to school. Long story short, met a guy, fell in 'love', got pregnant on the pill, the guy left, and my family treated me like sh*t. My whole pregnancy was spent with my father, any time I would see him, not talking to me, but if he was drunk, he would rant and rave at me. My mother would disappear, just like when I was a kid, and claim to have not heard him. At this time, they were fully supporting my brother and sister in college and I lost my job (they found out I was preggo and let me go) and wound up on welfare. The day I gave birth to my son, I did so alone, as my grandfather had passed and my mother went out of town to the funeral with my father. I brought my baby home alone and tried to cope. My sister called me the day I gave birth and yelled at me that she was 'so mad at me for naming my baby (his name)" because she wanted to name her son that name. She wasn't even in a relationship. I moved home with them and ended up paying $560.00/month rent (Their mortgage payment, while on welfare) cooked all their meals and cleaned their home. Their attitude was I 'owed' them for taking me in. My sister would come over and say "Hi, Molly Maid" and laugh. My brother would never say a word. His drinking drove me insane and 3 days before Christmas that year, we had a fight, and this would mark the 2nd time he threw me out of the house. My son and I stayed at a friend's house until I could get a place. I called my grandmother on Christmas day and was told "How could you do this to your parents? How could you do this to your child?". My grandmother told me how my sister had a get together and my mother and father sat (Mom cried) and told everyone that I just 'left'. They lied and painted me like a nutjob. We didn't speak for a long time and somehow I went back to the family feeling guilt and alone being a single mom. Fast forward 2 years, I met my husband, left my country and moved to the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">USA</st1:place></st1:country-region>. He is black(which they disapproved of) and I married a guy my parents never met (they wouldn't come), never got a wedding gift and the first time my husband came home to meet the family, my mother and sister sat and talked about me to him with all the 'stories' of me. Pregnant with my 2nd child, I was on bedrest and noone came to visit. Third child, dad had heart attack and my mom never came. Fourth child, mom left (baby was overdue) and called my dad to 'ask' if she could stay and help and he yelled at her to get home. They have never helped us in any way and we never asked. My brother had a $20,000 wedding, mom is now raising my sisters son as their 'nanny'. Get the picture? I went home for bro's wedding and, long story short, my father's drinking in front of my kids was so out of control, he wound up not speaking to my kids, myself or my mom for over a week. I left because the kids were asking "Why doesn't grandpa love us?" "Mommy, grandpa locked us out of his bedroom and we can't get our toothbrushes". I left and didn't talk to them for a long time. Again, somehow started talking. My husband went to <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Iraq</st1:place></st1:country-region> and I guess the old feelings of guilt and 'being alone' brought me back to them. While my husband was gone, I was in a place we had just moved to, knew noone and got very sick with my kidneys. Noone came to help. I went back to school have a 4.0 average, made the President's Honor Roll every semester and my sister told me she was 'really mad at me for going back to school because I have the 'luxury' of staying at home" She had her education paid for by my parents and her income, combined with her husband is probably close to $100,000. We live off $36,000???? Brother never says anything. I went home for Christmas that year (I know, what a glutton for punishment) and one night, my mother and I had a couple of rum and eggnogs and we were talking and somehow she said I never paid them rent and I got very upset because my mother denies EVERYTHING she and my dad ever did. Problem is I now have gotten a reputation as a 'problem' drinker??? You see, this year, my parents promised my kids they were coming (we haven't seen them in a year and a half) made a big to-do about it, then didn't come. I got very upset and then my mom comes with my sister in law. From the moment my husband picked them up, my mom started talking about me. She said "I hope she doesn't get all drunk"!! She hasn't seen me in almost 2 years!! My sister in law went on all weekend about her 'therapy' and how she has confronted her mother about leaving her dad, blah, blah, blah. She told my mother that she was upset with her for certain things my mom had done.blah.blah. My mother talked about my sis-in-law behind her back every chance she got. They were insane!!That Sat. we had friends over and we had a great time and after everyone had left, I sat with my mom and tried to confront her about my pain (without the in law present). You see, she NEVER acknowledges anything and I went and saw a therapist after that last time when my dad stopped talking to my kids and he said: Confront her, if she denies, there has to come a point where maybe I do need to truly cut them out since it affects me too much. We had been drinking at the party but I mean everything I say. My husband was just upset because he knew the comment my mom had made at the airport and he didn't tell me trying to wait until they left, but there I go--have a few drinks, talk to my mom, PROVING their latest lie about me. After my husband told me what she said about me 'drinking' I told my mom (not in front of my brothers wife) I was done with them all, didn't appreciate her talking about me blah, blah. As soon as I left, she told my sis-in law. Her and my sister in law started talking about me in front of my husband, in my home, IN FRONT of my kids....and LONG story short (I am sooo sorry) when I came back my sister in law FREAKED out yelling at me that "I always do this"....that I "live in the past" and so much other stuff. This after she talked all weekend about her mother, her 'pain', and told MY mother how hurt she has been from things my mother has done!!! But I live in the past. She has never seen me fight with my parents, has never witnessed the 'stories' but obviously, they have filled her head. Then they packed and left. My mother didn't say a word. Their flight didn't leave for 2 days. My kids were crying. My mother said to my daughter "Don't ever do this to your mother" and she left with my sister in law (the person my mother bad mouthed all weekend and has never said a nice word about). I can't do this anymore. I am hurt and feel depressed. I know the next 'tale' is that I threw them out of my house. They make me feel crazy. I want them out of my life but another one of the 'lies' they tell is that I take my kids away from 'people' who love them (one of the things sis-in-law yelled). I feel crazy. I am now going through my typical depression after a visit with them that always ends up like this. My mom and dad are both in 'therapy' but from what I can gather they lie to the therapist!! Anyone have any similar experiences? Please help. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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Old 05-31-2005, 07:40 PM
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Jennybear...

First, let me say welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain, but I know I'd feel the same if I were in your situation. I honor you for the courage you've shown in opening up and letting us inside the darkness of your family sitaution. Sharing a problem with compassionate people helps to dissipate it...

Having been raised around alcoholism, I can certainly understand the crazy feelings that come with that particular territory. Being the family scapegoat is a horrible role to play, and often one that we're given little choice about assuming. A primary symptom of the disease of alcoholism is denial, and creating scapegoats is a way for the alcoholics to defend their denial.

It sounds like you know that, despite what they say about you and how you live your life, they are the ones who are truly sick. That doesn't make things any easier, but hopefully it helps keep things in perspective.

If you've never been, you might consider trying an Al-Anon meeting. That's what has helped me recover from the damage caused by living with the toxic effects of alcoholism in my own life.

I hope you stick around. You'll probably find quite a bit of support here. If you haven't already, check out the "Friends and Families" forum as well.

I wish you peace...
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Old 05-31-2005, 07:44 PM
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Thank you so much for responding. I am sorry to bother you again but there is something I have to tell someone who can maybe help. One of the reasons I felt the need to tell my mom how much pain she has caused me by allowing me to go through what my father did to me is that during our visit she said something so painful I do not know how to get through it.



I grew up being treated very differently than my brother and sister. They got more than I did, were not punished like I was and my mother would defend them to my drunken father. I never knew why but always felt like an outsider. During her visit, we were talking about having babies and giving birth and she went on to tell me about when I was born. My sister is the oldest and then my mother had a stillbirth. The baby was a girl and had spina bifida. Then, my mother got pregnant with my brother and I (who are twins). Being born in 1969, it was before the age of ultra sounds and my mother had no idea she was having twins. Here is what she told me Friday night:



" I had your sister and then I had the other baby. The baby died and I was devastated. I got pregnant with you and your brother but had no clue I was having twins. I wanted a boy. I wanted a boy and a girl and then to be done with it. When you were born, I looked down and thought; "This baby looks like the baby I lost..." .....I asked the doctors and nurses what you were and they said "A girl".....I laid back in the bed and said..."UUURRRGGGGHHH", I did NOT want another girl. And you looked like the baby that died. Then, I started having contractions and they told me I was having twins.......your brother was born....and I had the son I wanted".........



In a way, I am relieved to have the explanation as to why I didn't fit in and why I was singled out. On the other hand, even though I am 35, I hurt so deeply. I didn't ask to be born. They have screwed me up. I have NO idea how to fix that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I didn't really need the confirmation that I was punished my whole life for being the child they didn't want. I just wasn't ready for it. And then to have my sister in law, who has no idea of any of this, who my brother married because she 'fits' the dysfunction be so abusive and mean to me has just sent me over the edge. I am so afraid of the pain. My husband is trying but he just doesn't understand. Thankfully, he has 12 years of witnessing all of their lies and drama that he tries to protect me. But he can't fix the inside and I don't know how to do it either. I am so afraid I will end up like my family. I am soooo afraid I will do the same thing to my children. One of the things I said to my mother is " I look at my children and I cannot imagine talking about them behind their backs like you do to me". I am so afraid that I will be like her ( I look just like her). I am so afraid that every lie they told about me will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I feel myself sinking so deep into a hole. I wish there were somewhere to go. I have found myself, in the 2 days since they left, not being able to be very 'available' to my kids. I look like crap and feel like crap too. I am scared of what I am feeling. I also feel like screaming and yelling and punching holes in the walls. I feel so much rage, but if I were to call my family, they would say (I've heard it a million times) "See how she acts??" "See what WE have to deal with??" My husband has told me that if they call he wants to deal with them and stand up for me. On the one hand I am so incredibly thankful for having someone who loves me, I still, after all the years of him sticking by my side (after they portrayed me as a BAD person) know that then their 'blame' will be switched over to him. It becomes: "see what a bad son in law we have??" And then I feel guilty for putting him through it. His family has been so much more normal to us. They don't have alot of money but emotionally have been wonderful. How sad that my lack of worth compels me to now feel guilty for my own husband standing up for me. I just hurt so bad and feel so unworthy, I have difficulty believing him. Poor guy. Anyway, I know you have things to deal with. I just feel better putting all of this into words. I hope some of it makes sense. Thanks for reading. Jennybear35.
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Old 06-01-2005, 03:19 AM
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(((Jenny)))
Welcome to SR! Here, you will find the support and loving attitude that you are missing and you need. We all need.

I want to point out an important resource. We have an "Ask the Experts" forum on this message board. Mark Sichel is a social worker who gives his time to SR. Please feel free to post on his forum. He's wonderful, and has really helped me with some stuff this year.

He has written a book, titled, Healing From Family Rifts; Ten Steps to Finding Peace after Being Cut Off from a Family Member. I am reading it now. And it's a GREAT book. Going "crazy" after a family split is a common feeling. But, we CAN return to a better place. The book is available at www.amazon.com . I highly recommend it!

Another thing is to go to 12 Step meetings. You can go to AlAnon, or ACOA meetings if there are any around you. Getting a sponsor to work the 12 Steps with you willl be very helpful in finding your serenity.

Remember, you didn't cause this; you can't control what they do; and you can't cure them. But, you CAN find a place where you are safe; where you belong; where you are loved. It sounds like you have that with your husband. So, you can begin your journey by being grateful for the things you have.

I'm sorry you've been made a scapegoat for being born. And your siblings and their spouses have learned how to treat you from your parents. Remember, when you change, so will they. They will have no choice. You will be a different person. Begin by shedding that scapegoat label. Don't own what is not yours to own. That means, THEIR behavior. You only own your own.

Finally, I'm glad you're getting therapy. That should be very helpful for you. You might want to look into spiritual guidance too? I don't know if you're religious, but, my Rabbi is a wonderful source of support for me. I'm very lucky to have him in my life!

So, you have the forums here; a 12 step program; the book, Healing From Family Rifts; your therapy and possible spiritual guidance to help you on this journey of recovery. Along with your very supportive husband.

Sounds like a great support system to me. You will still have some hard work to do; some difficult times to face. But, with such a loving support system to help you along the path, you can find your place; you can acheive serenity - with or without your family of origen. That decision can wait until you have a better sense of where you're at and what you want.

You don't HAVE to become your own mother to your children. And reaching out to your counselor, to your husband and here, you've taken the first steps to avoid that future. I do NOT believe in predestination. We HAVE choices, and we are responsible for them. You've made some great choices to avoid that fate.
Give yourself a good pat on the back for that!

I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery!
Shalom!
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Old 06-01-2005, 03:38 AM
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My first time too...

Wooo..

I thought i had **** happening and came here looking for ..... something, but now i don't know what to say.
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Old 06-01-2005, 03:47 AM
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(((slavelli)))
We all have stuff in our lives for which we need support. The idea is not to compare. None of us are the same.
Feel free to post.
And welcome to SR!!!
Shalom!
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Old 06-01-2005, 04:02 AM
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Sorry, I didn't mean to compare, i find it difficult to express my feelings, even now..
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Old 06-01-2005, 04:05 AM
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Tell me about your painting history teach.... who was the artist and what is it called?
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Old 06-01-2005, 11:19 AM
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Thanks again guys. I feel a little better today and a little more focused. One thing I find is that after contact with my family, I get very nervous and have a lot of anxiety. For example, yesterday morning, I got up at 5:00am and ran down to the basement to check the calendar for anything I've forgotten. I start my last semesters for nursing in the fall and it is not until July that I have to have some documents submitted. I don't know how to describe the anxiety. I have dreams that I forgot to go to class and missed an exam. It wakes me up and it always takes a few seconds to orient myself and remind myself that I'm not taking classes right now!! I guess the fear of failure is another one of the effects of my family.
Now, however, my kids keep slowly telling me things that my mother and sister in law said to them. You see, when my sister in law started yelling at me she decided to leave....they came from Canada, their flight wasn't leaving for 2 days and she started running around the house packing and my mother followed suit. To be honest, I did get upset, but, I handled it better than I would have a couple of years ago. Then she started putting all of her stuff on the front porch with her 11 month old child, called a taxi and sat on the porch with my mother crying......At one point (I am Catholic and she kept knocking my palm off the cross over my door because she kept swinging the front door open and closed so hard) so I had the door open trying to put my palm back up there and she started telling me how I was 'being so irrational'.....I looked at her and said "You are sitting on a porch with all of your belongings, with an 11 month old child...you're flight doesn't leave for 2 days....you are in another country.....that fits the definition of 'irrational'..." Then she just started yelling at me to close the door and they would move to the curb.....my mother sat there crying. The kids told me my sister in law was crying. My husband tried to get them to calm down, then just left the situation since there was no reasoning with them.
The point I am trying to get at is that my mother told my oldest son and daughter how she didn't want to leave(implying I was making them leave)...that they would never see her again, until they're 18. But she "is so glad that the baby got to meet them" (like the baby will remember). I am again getting so angry....she played the victim and I don't know what to say to my kids. My oldest son tends to get angry with me because he has grown up watching this crap and they have always gone behind my back to him being the victims telling them that it is me....The other children are 8, 6, and 4. The 4 year old doesn't seem to care...but my 6 year old was hysterical. I don't want them thinking their grandmother's behavior was ok. The last summer I went home she sat by my dad's side while he wouldn't talk to them (By the way, her reasoning for putting up with my dad is that she is not 'giving up her home'(they are affluent) in other words, the material things meant more than the emotional health of her children). That summer, my oldest was hysterical because my dad took off drunk off his a** one night with the car and my son was saying "He is going to kill himself..he's going to get arrested" (My father is a convicted felon for DUI) Then my mom plays the martyr and I don't want them accepting that dysfunction. I want them to know that she could have stood up to my sister in law and not left. I want them to know that there is a reason my sister is 350 pounds, that there is a reason why their Uncle is so closed up. I want them to see the dysfunction and not fall for how my mother is trying to plant it in my children's head that I am being a 'bad daughter'. Like I said in another post, she said to my daughter: "Don't ever do this to your mother"...... Any suggestions on how to talk to the kids about this?
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Old 06-01-2005, 12:42 PM
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((((jenny))))

I have had a long journey to understanding the dynamics in my family. I turned some stuff around about my treatment in the family. My other siblings did get more stuff and I less but, it made me decide I could have anything I wanted and that I did not need anyone but me to get what I wanted and needed. While my siblings in their 30's 40's and 50's are still living at home staying strung out on dope.

I am on my own and I have everything I want in life right now. My mom and I have said our peace to one another she still tries to get my goat but, guess what I sold it several years ago to an old greek who makes fetta cheese...every now and then I bring her some fetta!!!
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Old 06-01-2005, 01:10 PM
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Jenny;
This is from the book, Healing From Family Rifts. I found it helpful. Read it; print it out and sign it. The kids will get the message. Heck, they can sign it too!

Your Personal Bill of Rights

The right to feel good about who I am
The freedom to say what I please and the wisdom to know when to say it
The freedom to protect myself in a responsible and mature manner.
The right to ask for what I want, and the wisdom to know where and whom to ask.
The right to exercise my innate creative abilities.
The freedom to say no to a family member when dictated by my best interest.
The right to respectful and dignified treatment.
The right to know who I am.
The freedom to know what I want.
The right to choose the life I want.
The right to assert my likes and dislikes.
The right to accept myslef for who I am.
The freedom to regulate my thoughts and feelings without the input of another person.
The freedom to cultivate interests and points of view.
The right to tolerate points of view that differ from mine.
The ability to accommodate another person without losing my own identit.
The freedom to assert my rights without fear of loss of love.
The freedom to assert my rights without fear of rejection and abandonment.
The freedom to assert my rights without fear of physical or mental punishment.
The right to say no.
The right to feel alive.
The right to believe that I am likable.
The right to make choices in my life.
The freedom to choose my own friends.
The right to set boundaries that will be respected.
The right to follow my own interests.

What I see is that you have accomplished so much on your own. That is a wonderful thing for which you should be so proud of yourself!!!
Also, that your family has violated your personal rights. It's wrong, and you recognize it as such. But, that is THEIR behavior. You cannot change them. You can only change your reaction to them. I think what you said to them on the steps was right on!
But, for your kids? Well, teaching them that they - and you - have the RIGHT to be treated with respect is the lesson they need. Treating yourself with respect is the way to model that expectation to them.
You may not have to end all contact with your family. Perhaps a break will do. I did from my family of origen a few years back. Afterwards, you can come back renewed, energised and full of self respect.
That attitude and behavior will shine!
More importantly, the kids will experience, (not just hear), the difference in behavior - YOURS!!!
Please consider getting the book. I am finding it very helpful for myself. I do highly recomend it!
Shalom!
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Old 06-01-2005, 01:32 PM
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Wow. That was wonderful to read...it felt so good to say those things to myself. It has been printed, signed and is now on the refridgerator door!! I think I will just let my oldest son see it and read it on his own. I asked him earlier if he would like to 'talk' about what happened and he said.."I don't really like to talk, mom.." (He's 13!! haha)..so I let him be. This way, he'll see it and can quietly read it on his own and learn from it. Maybe he'd be willing to talk sometime. Thank you for that. I will try to get to the bookstore to get that book as soon as tomorrow. Also, how do I proceed with my 12 steps?? I want to start step one as soon as I can so I can get out of this horrible place I am in. I know it will take a long time but its better sooner than later. Shalom.
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Old 06-01-2005, 01:40 PM
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PS----Note to Splendra...I am actively seeking a Greek to sell my goat to!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!!!
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Old 07-24-2005, 08:36 AM
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Hi Jenny,
I just joined the website today, and happened upon some of your thoughts. Although the circumstances are different, I completely recognize the struggle, chaos, anxiety, and pain you experience. I've been trying to learn and heal from all the pain since I left for college in 1998. Little did I know it was a very long and frustrating process! There is so much to say, but I think the most important thing I want to say involves your marriage. I too insisted my husband not say anything to my parents regarding them being "nuts." (Not a clinical diagnosis, but pretty accurate!) I put up with a lot, while thinking I was standing my ground. My husband respected my wishes and zipped his lips when many times he wanted to confront them. That took a toll on both of us- I developed a chronic illness, and his health and happiness suffered too. It took several years to realize that by my being involved with my family still, so is he. If we had kids, they would be too. I don't have a right to ask my husband not to express his feelings towards my parents. I don't have a right to conciously spend time with my parents, thus forcing him too, and censoring what he says. If he is upset, he has every right to express his feelings, and by my preventing that, I am only continuing the very lesson they taught me years ago- you don't have a right to your feelings. Of course I don't want him to swear and flip out, and I trust he won't. But when the time comes and he feels like telling them to go fly a kite, although it will be hard, I will respect the fact that he has a right to do that. Your husband has every right to do the same, as your parents are not only hurting you, but your husband and your children as well. I know from your messages you are considering removing them from your life entirely. So am I. (Not your family, mine. Ha...ha...) Some members of my family already removed me from their lives- which at the time I was very hurt, but now I realize I should send them a thank you note for doing what I should have done myself. Them being removed from my life has allowed me to breath a little more easier, and be more sincere. No more pretending that they love me, no more pretending that I like them. My parents, on the other hand, are still around. I live too close to them, and plan to relocate as soon as we can afford to do so. (Here's a little irony- after college I moved far away, but then eventually got pulled back, even when I knew better.) My psychologist insists that once we create more space, it'll be easier to pick and choose what I want to participate with, if anything. She has urged me to spend time with my parents only in controlled environments, such as restaurants, movie theaters, etc. Perhaps you can use that advice as well. I know I am not a counselor myself, but I strongly urge you to not house your family any longer. If they come for a visit recommend a hotel, etc. However, due to the fact your mother is now manipulating your kids and trying to paint you as the bad guy, I'd give serious thought to terminating the relationship. You don't deserve that abuse, and it's so incredibly unhealthy for your kids to be around it. Plus, the anxiety it creates for you is also unhealthy for your kids. They deserve your love and full attention- not your family. (A lesson I'm still trying to learn.) You can choose to be a glutton for punishment for yourself, but you have an obligation to protect your husband, and especially your children. I love my grandmother dearly, but she was involved in the family circus as I was growing up, and I was closer to her then my mother. This created so much turmoil and resentment. It's a game your family is playing, and although you are trying so hard and are so courageous for all you've done so far, you are still participating. Have your kids send them cards for the holidays, call them on their birthdays, but the first sign of the abuse, you must protect yourself and family and terminate even those small gestures. I know it is so much easier said than done, and I don't mean to be a know it all. You and I, and every other acoa, share in the pain of our experiences. We each have a right to our own life. We were all dealt a crappy hand when we came into this world, but we do have the power to take control of our lives and live the life that we want, not the one that was dictated to us- even if all those surrounding us tell us we can't. By developing a crhonic illness my own body forced me into facing the fact that although I did grown and learn quite a bit already, there was so much learning and healing I had left to do. My illness forced me to confront things I never knew existed, and pushed me to do things I may never have had the courage to do while "healthy." For years I thought my illness was the worse thing that ever happened to me, while now I also realize that it may have also been the best thing that ever happened to me.
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